Say Goodbye to Yesterday

How many years can I still live for?

I participate in my church caroling team. Singing has always been a difficult task for me, but I still give it a try. Knowing to be the youngest adult in the caroling group, I feel so much overwhelmed with how much I have grown. I'm no longer a kid. I'm never gonna be a kid anymore. 

Talking about aging, it's always two types of accepting your age, embracing wholeheartedly, or you can be worrying about it. 

I used to think that I'm still a kid who can throw tantrum, who still can use the excuse of mood swinging. But no, I'm never going back to the stage. I have to live. If there's no tomorrow, I live for today.

Humans can be a bit depressed when it comes to the year end. They find out how much they have spent for the year through reorganizing their belongings. Like me, I just checked out how many pieces of clothes I have bought. I'm pretty amazed with the fact, because I bought too many. It's a sad fact, because I know I have to correct myself so that I won't allocate much money on clothing next year. 

2015 was not a difficult year compared to 2014. My overall intellectual level has not risen this year ( I think so ). But I have jumped out from my comfort zone and met lots of new people with my awkward personality. There are lots of times when I was ignored by people when I say a HI. Despite of the ignore by people, I still did it. I think that's the 2015 Elisa, who broke her records of getting new friends herself. 

Another big improvement I did was getting closer to God. This couldn't be done without the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank God for this! 

There's just never going to repeat what had happened yesterday.
Growing is the grace of God.
Getting old is the blessing of God.
I thank God.

How books harm.

I just finished one book this morning. 

Holidays with the companion of novels are the nice holidays I have had. Every time when I have a long holidays, I will make sure I have shopped a few books in the book store so that I can have them during my free time. 

I always choose the easy ones to read. Often, when I buy a book, I'll first look at its cover page. I like the one with nice graphic. Now, you can say I judge the book by its cover. If an author really wants its book to be well published, I guess, he or she might also take part in the cover page, and make it as beautiful as the writing. Then, I will see who the authors are. Sometimes, I am really fed up with romance kind of books, they describe how both parties are attracted to each other. I just pray that God can cleanse my mind.

Then, I find the level of harm in reading books. 

Books were written with lots of ideologies. The author always makes sure that what he or she believes are well written in the book. Therefore, book can be just all about bullshit if you don't think the theory written is what you believe. But most of the youngsters who read lots of books prefer to follow what were written. Because words are so deceiving. 

I think about how the world can be deceiving too. Or I would rather say it is deceiving. 

Ideologies about protecting yourself or chasing for nonsense human rights are critical sometimes. That really scares me. I used to be one of those feminists who stand up for bullied girls. I debated like a mad dog, winning for pride. I hardly believe how the world threat girls like animals, stripping off their hearts or minds like gradually stripping off their skins. 

Then I get to know that people say that some feminists are girls who feel lonely with no guys loving them. I nearly forget I have got a little brother too.

By here I don't mean I'm one of them or what. I just realise how much time I have been spending on to fight for something that is so critical. Understanding myself is so much harder than understanding others, because I only get to see myself in the mirror during morning and night. 

Things get better when you trying to know who control over things. It's like going into a castle. You'll never know what actually had happened in the past in each room unless you get to have a conversation with the ones who were living inside the castle. Though you might have known something about the castle, you might not know if that's true. God makes the world clear. 

I wonder how I could stand still on my own perspectives and beliefs when I read this book about Tarot and afterlife. I managed to finish the book. I was amazed by the author with her twisting story lines and imperfect characters she sketched. Those books make me understand about others' beliefs.

***

There's nothing more difficult than understanding the will of God. For human to understand something that are beyond our levels, I feel like surrendering myself. 

But at least I know that God has His power on everyone. 

Small Stories, Big Adventure.

Sometimes, you seek for things to happen. 

You dash into your classroom or maybe your workplace, trying to conquer a little corner of the room. You would try to stand at the corner for a period of time until someone realises that you have been there for a long time. If no one ever realises you, you start to feel depressed. You feel that the whole world has abandoned you. You wish that someone would approach you or maybe letter you a HI. 

Well, sometimes, it never happens. 

There is also one time when you arrive your classroom or you workplace with an ambitious heart. You have enough motivation to do things. You want to embrace the day. Just when you arrive your respective comfortable regular spot, you settle your things and start the day. You are too concentrated with the work or studies that you don't even realise it's lunch time. 

Then, you realise these two stories could have happened in one place. There are many times when we view ourselves as the centre of the world. We indirectly stop to show up. Maybe sometimes we're those who are in the first story, but we would never realise how we could change the situation. 

I have experience these two types of conditions before. I have even encountered my friends who also had the same experience. It's what I call self fulfillment, where you get yourselves filled with feelings. Sometimes, we can look around and see the differences in our surroundings. Things change, love doesn't.

Quitting Job ft. Emily's shots

Sometimes, I just wonder how to make good decisions.

When comes to making decisions, I usually have 2 types of responses. I can come out with a decision in a short time, and usually that decision is made without much of consideration but with stress. The second one would be making decision based on family or friends' advice and my own consideration too. It takes more than 5 days to make the decisions. However, the result is often not favorable. 

Talking about my exciting December part time job, I thought I would go for the work in a period of two months time. I would have to stay in KL for two months. While on the other side, my family is in Bintulu for another month. This means if I go to work, I would have to be separated with them for one month. A decision of going for work would mean that I would lose spending time with my family before I go overseas to study! 

The next day after my eldest sister's wedding, I woke up in a strong urge of quitting my first job. I started to worry if this was the correct decision. Pretty much, the whole morning was all about worrying whether to quit of not to. On the way back to KL in the car, I prayed for the job when I was half asleep. This is my bad ( if it's bad ) habit. I always pray when I can't sleep but I want myself to sleep. I didn't get into sleep afterwards, but I sent a message to the head of human resource of the company. I immediately sent a message saying that I wanted to quit the job ( I know, I don't even get to work for the first day ).

With messages, the quitting job is settled. I'm relief in the end. I felt really remorseful for putting money as my first aim. You know what, the guiltiness of worshiping money is really terrible. It made me couldn't get into sleep immediately when I was in bed. What's more, it made me felt like betraying God ( in exact, I was betraying ). Conclusion, never follow money, follow God. And happiness comes in in the end! 

"You shall have no other Gods before me. " - Exodus 20:3

I decided to add in this really useful way to make any decisions in life! FOLLOW GOD. 

xxx

Here are some of the shots that Emily did during the holiday trip to Bintulu. My outfit was out of creativity ( yes, I never have any creativity in my outfits, like never! ). I really like the exposure as well as the aperture effect, she caught the nice angles too! Presenting to you (drums roll), Emily's improved skills and her new lens photographs featuring two silly ones.

Top: Cotton On

Bottom: Cotton On

Sunglasses: Cotton On

X

December: Renewing faith

What's up!

I just woke up from my nap not realising the sky is going to turn black. My body was suffering to wake up from my bed. The desire was too strong.

I woke up thinking about my future. I rethought about who I was at the beginning of the year 2015. Now, it seems even nearer to my dream or I would say my future. Things are not getting better in my life as my thoughts are always not in parallel. What I strongly feel about is that God has planned a future for me and He will always guide me through. Here I realise I have not been praying hard.

I want to go jogging so badly, but my body can't manage to do it. I feel so tired. I think about my December and January too. I'm gonna stay in KL and work as a part timer. I first started applied for the job due to the pressure of needing money. I got a lot of money on my mind. I wish I had no money on my mind. When I was back to my hometown, I big remorseful feeling. I shouldn't have got that job, because family are more important than money. 

I have made a big decision, I prayed about it. I'm sure everything is under God's control. He made everything happened. I prayed for me having no money on my mind, but God still allowed me to get the job.

What I'm sure is that everything can be a learning process. I learn a lot throughout this job application. I wish that this Christmas can make me become more faithful in God. I hope you have the same hope too! 

Let's wake up with a faithful heart! 

X

Regular Update

It has been a real long period since I last posted a blog post.

Life after my foundation is quite nice, because I can get away from my studies and concentrate on life. When I say life, I really mean life. This age of mine is not to old nor too young. I wonder how the others feel when they were at my age. I feel helpless.

A lot of times, I feel like giving up on certain things. It's all about relationships, the relationship with God, with parents, with siblings and of course with my grannies. Those are my struggles. I would not say I've put a lot of efforts in pleasing all of them. But it's really hard to even try. I never know building up relationships with family members is lot more harder than building up relationships with different friends.

I come from a funny family, of which everyone has different problems. My siblings and I grow in different places due to my father's jobs. As a result, each of us has different thoughts and views. To be brief, if we were to be placed in 7 different countries, we can all be the presidents of those countries. Because we are too determined with our own thoughts and we have really different perspective. Imagine that's how I live, I'm living under 6 different ideologies. 

Talking about different countries, I think about being separated with my twin sister. I somehow have that sad feeling of being separated. We cry about it. We can't find a solution. All we can do is to cherish our relationship before we leave each other.

Clothing

Clothing is a presentation of art. 

I really thank God for today that I'm able to do different things and I have experience his grace.

I thank God for giving me a job.

A job that suits my passion.

Should we change?

I have smelled the aroma of freedom. The freedom that can untie my studies with me. I feel pretty relaxing right now.

I really thank God for who I am today. Although I have no talents in everything, God still gives me a chance to live. I used to tell people, there's no other should die before me. Because I said I was too useless. I thought that was a great idea. However, when I read the Bible, I see more unique and amazing things that are happening around the world. The words of God have given me a wider and deeper view to the world. I thought I would be an influential person. 

After my exam ended, I take a lot of time thinking about sin, death and life, and of course, confidence. I thought about how social media has built us into a confident community. That is the main reason I quit Instagram and deactivate my Facebook account. Imagine you have been involved in an abstract community for years, and then you realise you want to leave it. That is hard, but the result is overwhelming. 

I would say the social media has made me a lazy person. The social media kept telling me that I was good enough. I should accept myself in the way I behave. Then I realised how important to change. If I'm not wrong, I got myself topic for this year when I was setting my 2015 resolution. The topic was change. I wish to change. However, the overloaded positive thinking that Facebook gave me making me a lazy person. 

Things happen fast. I thought I would end my life before my this year final exam. I didn't. I see how God really wants me to be rooted in his words. I see how the world is trying to get me into a miserable place. A dark place I would call, where I can't see any light and where I live in the darkness. 

Where do you choose to live? In the words? Or the world?

Going up Stage

Things have gone well.

I don't know how I have survived till this stage. I remember praying to God about my tertiary studies. I prayed that I could live till 18 years old so that I could at least enjoy being one year tertiary studies student. I like how I had the faith in God. Because I slowly loss myself.

I just applied to the courses I want to study next year. I am pretty excited about it, but somehow, I feel burdened and stressed out. I applied for Commerce degree. This is kind of like a challenge to me. I seriously feel that Science subjects are way easier and more suitable for me than the commerce subjects. And now I'm conflicting myself. If you are a high school student who is still wondering whether to choose science or arts or commerce, my advice to you is that choose something that you think you can cope for. 

I am not here to regret about what I have done for the past few months. I think about the friends that I have made in college and church, I literally got a smile on my face. Those people are wonderful. You would never get to have another copy of them. Those memories were made, and will always place in my heart. I will bring them to the last day of mine on earth.

The lecturers are way more friendly that you can ever think about. I have a lot of lecturers as friends, because they are way too young in term of their thinking. They have made me wanted to study more and explore more about the world. Now, I start to feel bad about them, because I did not do well in the exam, I guess.

I like how God has planned for me. All the things seem difficult at once, but I conquer them with the faith in God and friends. Some people come and go in your life, and you have no idea when you will meet them. It's not like a math equation of which you can calculate the number of intersection points. Meeting them is a plan of God, of which, we, humans have no ability in guessing when we will meet them.

Cherish relationships with a sincere smile while you still can.

Where is Identity?

Whenever I write, I think.

I find writing becoming very interesting lately. It is an after incident effect, I would say. After having lots of English lesson for the past 10+ years, I finally get to the stage where writing has become my hobby.

There are things which we always do to identify ourselves. In other words, we often do lots of things that we are comfortable with to prove that we are still ourselves. For example, I would have an exercise routine on some days, because that's what I regularly do and will not want to miss a regular session. Exercising has become a significant routine for Elisa. I guess, we also call that as culture.

Lately, after being "judged" from head to toes, I feel more emotion about myself and my being. I thought about how people known me as. I was an introvert and now I'm a hyperactive girl who laughs on everything with no shame. I bet that's a good change. 

However, I find myself having no responsibilities in things. My no-stress and hyperactive characteristics make me become more careless on things. Because I don't want to worry about things so much. I lose myself in this way. I lose myself of being a responsible and hardworking person. I lose the introvert that I would keep quiet whenever people judge on her.

It seems as if things have changed gradually. At this critical point, I realise how uneasy it is to find my identity. I'm no one and nobody. I don't want to lose the introvert and the hyperactive. Who shall I choose to be?

I watched a Youtube video last night. It was about a girl having eating disorder. She was oppressed by herself in a way that she forced herself not to consume food because she felt fat and ugly all the time. She showed some pictures of her. She was bone-ny. I see how these people do things. They have determination in changing things. I surprised myself. Because I thought about how sad I was when I thought I was fat. I literally went up to mirrors and checked myself if I was thin enough. That was depressing. After those 3 and 4 years of being in a state of checking out my body weight, I finally stopped. I did those things were just to make people realising how thin I was. Sadly ( I would be sad if I'm who I was ), only my dearly grandparents realised that I was starving myself. 

I wish I could have the determination of taking things seriously like how I used to be. But I do not want to have such starving-myself again. 

Social media

I like how some weird things going on when I'm involved in.

I like writing more than talking to people or playing piano.

Lately, I have been rethinking about my life and being. I realised there were too much positive thoughts in my brain, and I had to delete them forever. I'm too positive to thinking that I'm unique in the way I was born.

I realised how much I have changed throughout my whole teen life. I have become more outspoken. I'm now brave enough to speak English to Australians invigilators. I'm bold to admit my own mistakes and wrongs. I've dipped inside the network of social media. I have taken lots of photos of which I'm boastful about. I'm able to communicate with people.

Only then I realised I have become more and more low in self esteem. My elder sister pointed out this clearly. I felt like slapping myself when she talked to me. In the end, I cried like a baby. I've been crying for more than 2 days. I had no idea why I liked to cry so much. I sort out my crying problem, and get to know that I'm a person who has baby emotion with 18 years old body. 

I've been gaining attention from the social media. I've no idea since when my pride was built there. I took lots of nice photos to show how creative and how wonderful my editing skill are. I've spent most of my time looking at the phone. Well, I admit, till now I'm still obsessed with Youtube. I hope to get myself out of it in this time. 

It was a Youtube video woke me up. The video was summing up college student debt. The interviewees were asked if those money was worth spending for. The last interviewee said no. Because the memory of college was all about social media and gaming, sleeping inside the classroom while lecturers were teaching. This words woke me up.

Not only that, there was also my internal feeling of being mysterious. I thought I had been exposing myself to the public. This is kind of weird, like really weird. I can't afford to let people know my activities even before I personally tell them. I know, I'm literally doing it here on Blogger. But bear with me, I wish my blog can influence the future me. 

The next step I took was that I deleted my Instagram app. It was too much distraction. Then, I just realised deleting the account would be more appropriate. I deleted the account on my sister's phone. My memory of Instagram for almost 5 years had gone. My 500+ followers have gone and I'm permanently not following the 500+ people. The end.

Then, I thought it was great to delete my Facebook account too. Because Facebook has got too much interesting things to go through, which had made me spent more than an hour a day reading them. It was bad. Due to the lost contact concern, I told myself just to deactivate the account. So, I did what I thought. 

I hope I could enjoy the Instagram free days in the future. I wish to get back to my normal life (which supposed to be 7 years ago). Sometimes, life is too short for social media. 

I never know it can be this short.   

Fashion Clothing Catch

I remembered attending lots of graduation convocation at the same university. 

Just then, I realised that I have grown up so much. Those my sisters' friends whom I had lunch with them when they were in their foundation year, they were all graduated. Time flies. Only yesterday is remembered clearly.

I decided to share a photo of me when I was Form 1. It was taken at UTP, my sisters' university. It was her convocation. 

As you can see, that's little Elisa, hiding behind my dearly mother. Hey, that's my little brother. He is rocking with his Winnie the Pooh and Friend Tee. That was his favourite. He literally wore it everyday! 

Let's see what I was wearing. I wore a black shirt. That was my first ever black shirt. I was never allowed to wear black because my parents said that was not a good colour. I forced them to buy that black shirt for me because I wanted to wear it on Chinese New Year. And no ones ever wear black on Chinese New Year. 

That was a pair of flare jeans. It was not that flare, but you could see I was obsessed with that cutting. Mine wasn't that flare, but my twin sister's was super flare. My sandal! They were pink in colour. I bought them from Ipanema. I wore them like for every occasion. I thought they were formal. But they made me so informal here.

I had a lion shaped hair. I always had my hair cut in my hometown. But I hated that hairdresser so much! I told her to cut a little bit. But she always ended up cut a LITTLE bit MORE. I used to have fringe, but I thought it made me look kiddy. So, I brushed it to the right side.

I used to think wearing those were presentable. I meant wearing them for those functions. A lot of time after attending more and more functions, I realised I needed to change my style. A pair of jeans, and a tee shirt were literally my style. I wore those combinations for any time.

This was taken when I was 16. When I saw this picture, I laughed. I never knew I could pose something like this. See, my face was so fierce. I looked like I was a zombie. I have that orange shirt. That was my fashion. But it was much better in a way that I actually knew how to pose in front of the camera. 

It was so fun to look back how I looked like. These are the reasons why I want to be a fashion designer so badly. I wish to save people from being like me. I wish they wouldn't even have a chance to wear so ugly and under-standard like how I was. I wish I could. 

I used to refuse for going to those occasion when I was Form 3 and Form 4. I felt as if I was the odd one with my sister. Due to the shame that I had given to myself, I started to think about how to combine different fabric together, though I have no proper skills in drawing.

I cherish this little dream of mine. I know, one day, I would achieve that dream. 

Quit Instagram

Surprisingly I did something incredible. I deleted my Instagram account.

Yesterday I went to my sister's master degree convocation. I was really happy about it. Congratulation to her for completing the tough journey. We took a lot of photographs for the past few days in her university. The scenery was nice. But it got windy at the evening when the sun went down. We had a lot of fun taking funny, creative and formal photos.

The Friday before I went to sister's convocation, I had a mini photo shooting with myself. I know that sounds super duper weird. But that was what literally happening with me. I set a tripod and the camera. I cleared the background for where I wanted to take the photos. And I put on a black dress. I was depressed and pressured that time, I would say. In addition, I was alone in house, and I was listening to Sia's '1000 forms of fear', which made me more depressing. 

I took many shots. It was really tiring because I had to be both model and photographer at the same time. Of course I was using timer.Way after all the failure and success like photos were taken, I wanted to pause for a while. However, I decided to just take more shots. Surprisingly, the last shot was the only one I satisfied. The others were not that impressive. 

Here are some of the shots:

I posted on my Instagram. But I deleted my account!

This is my favourite! 

From the photos, I can there are too much noises, not good photo's setting.

I really thank God for making me realising how beautiful everything is. I always thought that Instagram made things looked better. But what is more important is that using your own eyes and discover the beauty for everything with every angle. I think my decision of deleting it is not a mistake. We still can excel in any other platform. Don't ever let anything to restrict you capacity! 

Dump things I've done!

I own something that many people don't.

Sometimes I feel curious about how people think about me. I'm weird in the sense that you can see me being hyperactive in this moment, and being down in the next hour.

I'm so tired nowadays. I have to keep in mind with my studies, which I particularly feel burdened and stressed out. I guess I'm not that stressed out as my sister does. She literally gets high blood pressure today since she has that reddish patched on her cheeks. Thus, we consider that she has got high blood pressure. Water always helps. So, I instructed her to drink water.

It's about how I keep being off track from my plan and my principle. The desire that makes me feel lazy constantly haunting me. My body shuts down whenever I'm alone or on my bed. I don't even put an effort doing house chores. I can still remember this lecturer of mine told me to start doing house chores so as to ease my mum's burden. Yes, I know. I'm really terrible at it.

After being scolded by my mum due to my complaints of myself, I finally shut up in front of her. But I still keep asking myself if I'm really useless. This uselessness I find in myself is really useless. I don't do well in studies, communication, sports, music as well as house chores. I don't even cook nice food. I told my dad that the existence of my mum makes me stop eating food that is not for human. Obviously I'm telling him that I cook food that's (apparently not even) for animals. And I eat those stuff.

Therefore, my mum sort of begs me to stop being low self esteem. I feel even sad. I make my mum worrying about those little things that I worry. Sometimes, I just feel like pressing a restart button in my body and clear my "why am I so dump?" question in my brain. How I wish this question had never existed before. I really have no idea how.

I get people saying I'm emotional. Yes, apparently yes. Truthfully, yes.

But how am I gonna save myself?!

Independence

I like how human socialize with each other.

When I first came across this word 'socialise', I thought it was something dirty and sinful. It was a word I learnt when I was Form 3, equivalent to the age of 15. I knew the real meaning behind it after one year. That was pretty much how I learnt this word.

I find myself spending too much time talking about the past. It wasn't productive. Using today's time for yesterday. Now, I want to switch.

I am learning to be independent. It is not easy. Doing something alone is really scary at some point, because people might think you're anti social. I can go crazy by doing things alone, staying home alone, or even cooking alone. I discover that I have lots of disability when I'm alone. And I'm here asking why. But 'why' shouldn't be the word we should discover, we should know 'how'.

I get this a lot, 'where is your sister?', 'why are you alone?' and 'I thought you girls can't be separated!'. These questions will end up with the same answer.

Normal human being is single person. In a way that we will never assume he or she is dependent. Because people who aren't twins, they are more independent, in everyone's view. But when it comes to me, a twin, I feel so uneasy to talk to people alone. It's like missing some part of my confidence. I guess, there are many people out there who are like me, social awkward. However, they are less being understood. Humans are too naturally think all of us can survive on our own.

Please don't get me wrong. This 'survive on my own' simply means being independent.

Thus, dependent has become my obsession. Sitting alone is better than sitting with someone I know but without my twin. The social awkwardness has hit its highest level inside me. I keep thinking of getting it out. It's coming out gradually.

X

Helping or Not Helping Her?

We have come across lots of things in life. But we seldom remember what they were.

This little but quite threatening incident happened to me yesterday afternoon. I was walking on the road as usual with my sister. We met this one woman. She asked us about a big book shop nearby. We thought it was the MPH book store. We reconfirmed with her. She wasn't sure if it was the bookshop that she wanted to head to. Anyway, we still led her to the book shop we assumed. 

This woman spoke fluent English. First thing came to my mind was that she was a well educated woman. I assumed that she didn't know Chinese at all. Anyway, as we walked, she just realised she had been to the MPH bookshop. She told us that she had checked out that bookshop but she couldn't get what she wanted. Then she started telling us about "Book Keeping" in accounts. She wanted to help a girl who is sitting for SPM in 44 days. She asked us if both of us were Accounts students. I said yes ( I was quite regret telling her about that ). I told her that Accounts was just one of my subjects. She asked me if I knew about Book Keeping. I nodded my head and said yes. I said I wasn't an Accounts student before this. She then asked me to show her my textbook. It wasn't with me. She then told us that she had got 4 degrees. And I wasn't shocked. 

I then told her to look up for A levels or O levels textbooks. She said she couldn't get those. She wanted the English version of accounting book so badly. She told me how desperate the "last-minute" girl was to do accounts revision. I said, why didn't she study earlier? She showed no care about that. She told me that if I helped her, equivalent to helping a girl who was sitting for the test. 

Apparently, my big exam starts on the same day as SPM. My accounts was so badly done as well. This woman asked me if there would be a chance for her to read my accounts notes. I said they weren't with me. Then, we headed off to my college, as I suggested her to have a look with A levels accounts textbook. 

After asking for the prices and all that, she didn't decide to buy the books. She was still in panic with helping her friend's daughter. The only thing she knew about Accounts was book keeping, debit, credit. Before she left, she asked me if I could give her my phone number. I hesitated. Then, I shook my head. She then left me with her phone number. She said she knew I thought she was a bad person. ( But no, I don't think she is evil. I just thought it wouldn't be a great idea to simply give phone number to anyone!!! )

I was in a great dilemma for helping or not helping. I used almost 1/2 an hour to deal with this woman. I just realised that my EQ was super low. I couldn't manage things properly. 

I'm not a helpful person. I will just stay away from helping people. I've lost the interest in helping anyone. It is so hard for me to justify right or wrong. 

I was so frustrated after that, because she wasted my 30 minutes. And she made me feel bad. While thinking of helping the girl, I thought about how desperate I was too, for sitting for my exam on the same day as she will. I prayed to God that I was able to make good decisions. 

Philippians 2:4

4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Deep in my heart, I wish I could help her in a more willing heart. But I just couldn't. I suggest that she could find a tuition teacher for that girl instead of learning those book keeping and then teach that girl, because that sounds too illogical for me, at least. 

X

Childish thoughts.

What is up people!

I just put on my pyjamas. It was a bloody tiring day! I woke up at 6 something and started studying my Economics. I was so tired. I would just shut my eyes anytime. I hop on train after getting everything on my bag pack and done with my clothing and brushing.

Just as I got out from my house, I just remembered that I forgot to have my breakfast. I was pretty surprised with myself, because I had never forget to eat before. I really thank God for this, because at least once in my life time, I was really hardworking till a point of forgetting the intake of food.

That was pretty fine. I kept reminding myself that what I do is for God. I'm sure I forget what I say like every time after I have done something. I feel like I'm having battle with myself.

Honestly, I focus too much on myself. Sometimes, I just tend to care for myself and forget what others need. I feel so helpless. The older I grow, the lesser I help people. Well, when I thought about my childhood, I couldn't think of any helping activities that I had done. Probably, I was born to have this selfishness in myself. I know this is weird. I promise myself, I will be selfless one day. I know it's kind of impossible.

I surfed through internet and went through lots of nice photos. I started to day dream about being a professional photographer again. You see, I always dream. I dream nice dreams. They just never hit to point of my "GO" button. Well. Therefore, I just took two photos after I accidentally glanced through my room door.

Current favorite colour is WHITE! 

Therefore, all time favourite is BLUE! 

X

Beauty

I can still remember the dreams that I wanted to achieve when I was just a high school student.

It was kind of weird that dreams change according to time. The older I grow, the more I realise about what to do in my life. Realisation often changes the way I act and the way I live. It makes me feel even older than who I am right now.

A photo a post, keep reader awake. 

A lot of time, I am told to be bold and be brave. It is a hardship of mine. Back to my English inefficiency problem which I face lately makes me even dull. I always show up the emotional face, or you can say that super stressful look. It is partly due to my English. I challenge myself to watch Youtube video. I watched different Youtubers' channels. They are some from England, mostly are American, there are also some from Australia. Besides listening to different accents of English, I also make a lot of effort of listening to the lyrics of different types of music. I admit this one is more like my hobby than listening to different accents. Music is a decoration of language. Or language is a decoration of music? I guess they are both interconnected and they stand on their own.

Reading the lyrics makes me understand how English work. But sometimes, it is very risky learning English from the lyrics, because there are lots of possibilities having wrong grammar in the songs. Anyway, I still think it is a good way to learn English. But no matter how much I try, I'm still a loser in English.

I often ask myself this question: why do I have the ability to speak chinese? I blame a lot on knowing too many languages making me a dump in English. Sometimes, I just spend like 10 minutes laughing at my poor English. I wish one day I could gain the real happiness from knowing English. I hate my disability.

Sometimes, I feel so low in self esteem when comes to dressing up myself. I know I sound so childish here. To me, it's just a shame of mine not knowing how to combine different colours. Investigating designs and fabric has always been my hobby too. And I feel like I'm not good in combining designs and colours. It's such a contrast that I spend super long time on this thing, and I fail to achieve what I set for myself. That kind of feeling makes me want to thank God more than hating myself. I'm serious.

I read a lot of articles about how people who are disable are able to do something they seems like can't. I thank God for giving this chance to even write out this blog of mine in English. I thank God for whoever created blogger. I thank God that he knows me more than anyone else. Because I'm such a proud girl who thinks her math has reached the highest point, and a simple question came out in one of the test set her to fall down from the upper most of the mountain. I thank God that I know a lot of teachers because of my love asking question nature in me. Probably you can see me calling lots of people ( especially in church) teachers. And lots of people wonder how on earth my teachers are my teachers. I thank God for my disabilities that I can never be proud outside and constantly ask for God's help internally.

I know one day, I might meet important people in my life who can help me out in English. Who knows what God's plan is? Glory to the Lord.

It is a beauty of disability. 

X

Depression

I'm a lonely person.

It is a statement for almost everyone. I'm sure all the human being on earth have at least once in their life time feel this statement strongly that this statement has become their feeling.

I thought about peer pressure a lot these days. It's whether by wearing something nice or being smart in class. There are lots of cool kids in college, trust me, if you never been to one. Those cool kids are really cool, they know how to socialise with people, at the same time, they juggle their studies as well. You'll see them passing with flying colour, and you never wonder why, because they are cool kids.

I pulled myself off from my usual click of friends. I try to mix around with the others. It's not bad to be on my own, because sometimes, independent is built this way.

There was a lot of depression time for the past few months, because I was lost in the college. I'd got my friends who laughed at what I wore, I'd got people who laughed at how speak English, and even my expression. A friend of mine once told me that they just wanted to make me laugh. I would say these are all insults. Sometimes, patience continues to grow bigger and wider in our heart. But that doesn't mean everything will be alright. There's never ' it's okay' time. We need to fix the things up before saying IT'S OKAY.

I might take things too seriously sometimes. I used to let those uncomfortable things to go off. But they were making feel like I weren't myself. Because once people kept laughing at me and I was so bloody angry that I literally wanted to utter some dirty words out, I calmed myself, told myself it was okay, it would be better. Later I found myself sitting on my bed, cried like a baby. The uncontrolled tears rolled down faster than I would imagine. I finally came out a conclusion that I was actually going through depression.

It was hard to overcome depression. The sickness told me to stop believing in anything, anyone, and any God. I thought I would just tell my twin sister about all. I held back. Even if releasing the stress and emotion is not enough to be recovered from depression.

Act before we think is what we often forget about. Think before we act is much easier. When shall we act? When will the action be done? What shall we do?

I turned back to God, because I knew God was the only one to turn to. I'm still working in progress.

Cry

At one point of my life, I feel like I'm living for stress.

That's the worst feeling ever. I really hate that feeling. What I do to solve this is that I hide myself in my room, cry about the difficulties that I'm facing, and ask my sister to listen to my problem.

I used to cry and cry for aimless and unreasonable reasons. I cried a lot last time, almost everyday, especially when I was standard 1 during primary school time. I refused to do work because I hate doing homework. I hate doing something that I don't feel like doing at that particular time. I cried.

I got my dad who hated my crying very much. It was somehow became a significant experience in his life. He started to know that this daughter of him would not do professional job or "manly" job in the future. That was the reason why my twin sister was (is) always his all time favourite. My sister never cried for something useless. She was hardworking and willingly to do all sorts of homework and work.

Sometimes, I even got my grandparents built the hatred on my cry too. As I say, I cried everyday. I could cry on the morning and cry again in the night. That was a routine of my family having dinner at my grannies'. I just cried when I felt scared or I failed to do something. There were times when I cried at night, and during the following morning when I got up from bed, I saw myself with two baggy eyes through the mirror. The worst thing was when I had got friends who asked me about my eyes, and they even could identify the real reason behind the baggy eyes. No matter how much I didn't want them to know about those incidents, they still got that powerful eyes to see through my eyes.

Since then, I know how to prevent getting up with baggy eyes. If I cry at night time like at 10 pm, I will sleep after 1 or 2 hours. This step actually helps my eyes to dry themselves and go back to the normal mood.

I cried lots of time this year. I hate being forced to do something. I'm constantly being forced to do things. I wish I could solve this.

X

Sleeping

I hate how light coming into my eyes.

It was a hectic day of which I spent the whole day being occupied with activities and lessons. I was so tired because I couldn't get enough sleep for the past few days. I wasn't torturing myself. I couldn't get enough sleep because I was doing assignment and I hadn't done my homework. I was pretty stressed out by the work load. Imagine for like 3 days I got no enough sleep but in college I gotta be really cheered up so that my lectures wouldn't find me day dreaming.

It was so hard to be independent. 

I thought I wouldn't have to be own my own until I was in overseas. This was totally wrong. The leaving of my parents made me knew how much I was to be a daughter. And just knew that I was (or for real, I am ) poor in time management. I don't even know until I last week.

I couldn't finish my assignment, and I had an emotional break down. It was kind of cool to have this break down sometimes, because this tells you how little human actually is. And this tells me how important to be strong and continue to live without fear. And this tells me how stupid I was not to depend on God. Here I'm living in the words of everyday prayer. 

I came across some Youtubers having a bipolar disease. It was a low self esteem emotion sickness. It was basically a psycho symptom. It was something really mysterious because it sounded as if I got this disease before too.This sickness showed a human could have two personalities. One personality would be hyperactive with lots of joys. The other one was totally opposite. 

I would really want to know whys and hows this happens!

 I would just leave my blog post ends here. Thanks for reading.

Let it Go

It is so terribly busy lately. 

I've never felt to stressed out ever since I was born. 

I know it was kind of too exaggerate, but it's true. Just look at what I've not done, and look at the deadline, I'm frustrating. I can't handle much about all of them.

I keep complaining about no time. Is that really true that I have no time? I told myself the reason why I'm so busy is because of my own problem. My problem, is, I'm too enthusiastic to take part in everything, from the bottom to the top. My enthusiasm amuses myself. It makes me more and more busy. Until last Saturday, I found myself little bit fever. I couldn't say stop to these activities. Those are all my duties. They cramp with my studies. They cramp. They cramp my brain.

I thought it would be really good for me to try out new things. Too much new things make me feel so exhausted. The tiredness is too the extend that I have to even take out 2 hours of my sleeping time to do my revision as well as my assignment. I found myself running with time. But I'm always on the losing side. I guess, I will never win.

I wish my body could just shut down one day, and I would just be away from the responsibilities. How I wish I hadn't even started the idea of trying new things. Yes, guess what, I have to get back to my studies. I ain't sure if I'm going to continue my failing in my economics due to the fact that my classmates are studying while I'm involved in one part of the activities. And that feeling is really terrible. 

Can I let it go?

Sorry, the muscle-less

During my English lesson few days ago, we learnt about persuasive speeches.
Those speeches were full about emotions and creative languages. These make me feel as if I'd got that momentum inside my heart, ready to go for a mission. What really touched me and sort of "inspired" me was the speech of apology. We learnt about the art of apology during my English lesson. 

Are you a human or a sunbear? 

An apology is not hard to be said. You can just utter the word "sorry" to anyone you've hurt. But not everyone will accept your apology. And I've experienced the scary part of hurting people. Sometimes, I'm too weak that I accidentally hurt people. And the worst part is that the person doesn't want to accept your apology. 

I know how painful it is being hurt. It was like being asked to clean the toilet when you've got lots of assignments to complete. My example is quite strange. Yes, that's how I feel when I was being hurt. At that particular moment, I feel as if my brain and my heart work differently. I can't control my body movements. Everything that I act is just too strange that people can't recognize who I'm.

The bad part about hurting people is that we might soon loose them as friends. The feeling is terrible. It is horrifying. I remembered hurting people by breaking promises. I know I'm kind of a weirdo because here I tell people how painful it is being hurt, and at the other end, I'm hurting people. But, I'm only a human.

I'm only a human.

I thought about this sentence " I'm only a human" after my 20 minutes morning jog. Human is the only species which can say this sentence. I mean a cat would never say "I'm a cat". It's really impossible. Impossible! 

Here comes this intelligent human we are. We can admit our own mistakes, and change ourselves, perhaps improve will be a better word in this case. An apology should be delivered once mistake is made. Because we are human. We have feelings, we can talk and think in a wiser way. 

In every era, there will be this trend, of which people mock people. I just read about 2 Chronicles 30:10-12. It was about one race scorning and ridiculing other races. From there I see how much human love mocking and discriminating their own species, of which animals won't do (I think so).  

Dear fellow friends, I'm sorry if I've made any of you being in a state of anger or disappointment. I'm sorry for what I've done which made you feel hopeless about the world. I'm really sorry if I've made you struggle for dealing with your low self esteem which I've built in your heart. I'm sorry.

X

Little things

There are lots of things to be completed.

I'm sad to say I'm a failure of things. Low self esteem beats me hard. Or else, it is laziness which gives me this on going failure. Time management is a hard subject, I thought I could bear with it since the beginning of the year, but I'm sure, I'm wrong.

I got this little thing in my mind. I'm never a good one. Whenever I'm with lots of people, talking about random stuff, I would be like, I ain't interested about the topics. It's sort of a sickness of mine. I would really like to get out of it. I find my life is as if an empty sheet of paper, I haven't even drawn anything on it. I feel really hopeless, indeed. As if the paper will soon be burned, fire will be at every where. I would be no where.

Let's don't get into that emotional situation. I keep reminding myself that I've got a lot of things to do, but I end up procrastinating. You know, I can even end up doing nothing for the whole night. That's how bad I can go. 

Today, there were a whole bunch of my college alumni gave shares about their current life and how they went through their college life. I missed the first 20 minutes, because I was having photography taking session. They shared about how great overseas were, and how they coped with the hardship. Reflect to myself, it was kind of hard for me, because I know nothing about being on my own. I would say I'm still learning, and this thing called low self- esteem makes me even worse. I thought of abandon it like long ago, it would silently creep into my little heart, and eat up the whole part of my bravery again. The feeling is horrible.

And those alumni were studying on scholarship. It was kind of ridiculous thing for me to do it, because it seems like it's impossible. Some more, I just failed one of my my hard work subject today. They said it wasn't hard to do it, because it was something that was achievable. I know I should believe in those nerds and geeks, because I was once a nerd. And yes, there is still a possibility for me to achieve.

X

My Hometown.

It's not a lovely idea when you plan to be separated with your parents, especially when you have depended a lot on your parents.

Mama and Papa at the beach.

No, the idea has never come across my mind. I'm feeling pretty nervous and melancholic when I tell myself, I won't be seeing my dearly parents for the next few months. It was as if I'm going inside an oven, saying goodbye, and being heated till I get a ticket to go home. I miss home, even, when I'm now at home.

We have got a big house here, over Bintulu. It is a super new house. A mansion, I would say. The garden is not as big as I imagined. But if you would like to have a bicycle race with me, sure, we could ride around the house. The living room is where I'm sitting right now, it is filled with Disney's channel's sounds, and of course, the typing sound that I'm making right now. Quite often you'll hear car or motorbike pass by the road in front of my house. It's a big and warm house.

I would say a place doesn't have a great meaning. It's the people there who make the place a memory. People, beach, houses, and coffee shops, are parts of my memory of Bintulu. I tell you what, almost everyone knows each other here ( except the fact that my sis and I are the only ones who know fewer people that the others do ). Coffee shops are where we meet people. Different coffee shops, sell the same things over and over again. The thick classic Foo Chow smell of the noodle, just makes me want to have some bites. Because too much of it would just create the fat feeling that I always have after eating noodles. And that's how the noodles give me, the fulfillment and of course, the memory that I'd never forget even if I had amnesia.

The people, especially my extended family, they are lovely. They speak in a strong thick Sarawakian accent, which makes me feel like laughing whenever I hear them speaking English. I thought of who I was before I moved to west Malaysia. I was having the same accent as them too. And now, I will just enjoy the accent they have, as if I really have lived in Bintulu for my whole life time. My church friends! I nearly forget them. Actually, I don't have much church friends here. But I just made two friends yesterday. I attended the Youth in the church. I got the feeling of being new in my hometown, but actually I'm so much older than them. I experience how much God has given me. I would never be who I'm if I didn't move to west Malaysia before. And that gives me different identities. However, I'm still proudly saying that I'M A SARAWAKIAN.

I guess that's how I'm gonna miss this place, though I'll come back in few months time. I guess, God has really blessed everyone here in Bintulu, where love and harmony are bounded in every corner. It's so good, as so nice.

X

I mock myself.

Being much involved in church and fellowship serving makes my body feels sore and tired, but I'm surprisingly happy and joyful. I can go super hyper and laughing all the way when doing my service. You can never know how much I feel when doing God's work, unless you've tried it before!

The world is not as perfect as I see. 

I ain't sure if any of you would get annoyed by reading my blog post, because it's a bit too like  personal-philosophical-plus-a-bit-immature. But I thought of this, it would be really good to share what I feel about those things I've experienced, because an "immature" person's view is really important.

People around me keep telling me I'm innocent and naive. I don't quite agree with them. They just didn't see what I've experienced, they didn't know what I've chosen. I ain't sure if anyone out there, laughed at me because of the perfect and fairy tale like thinking that I've had. But I got this a lot, HEY ELISA, YOU'RE NAIVE AND INNOCENT. Innocent? I'll define innocence, innocence is the lack of knowledge to choose right or wrong, in other word, stupid.

At that very mean point, I feel as if I'm disconnected to the world. Completely disconnected.

You know what? I've seen people crying and starving themselves because people out there are telling them they are not perfect. You know what? I've seen how an old grandy keeping quiet because she doesn't want to let people know that tears are dripping deep inside her heart. I've read books about how people having love, making love, kissing, and whatsoever, because they just love it and those "activities" attracted them. I know why people keep complaining girls nowadays only love bad boys, because their souls demanding soul mates, who they can call girlfriends, patting them and hugging them in front of people, having that "relationship goal hastag". Or else, I've seen people without money and still boasting around that they want to eat branded stuff. I've seen how blind men walking through a rubbish place, and they had no idea where not to walk through.

The world telling me to stop sympathizing or empathizing them because that would be really stupid, and you-can't-be-helping-people-and-feeling-sad-all-the-time. I ain't feeling sad about those I've mentioned, I feel sad about people telling me not to sympathizing.

Getting through to know what's right and what's wrong is never a sin or something to be laughed. You thought I had no idea about all those so called cheesy stuff people can do between two people? Their desires evoke, and their hearts just melted by each others'. They know they have to be connected with each other. When they see each other, their eyes locked, nothing would unlock them unless they look away.

I refuse to do such kind of things, unless I'm mature enough.

X

I know the meaning.

There was a time when I felt really touched. 

Helping people has become one of my main goals in my life. There was time when I felt really down, and I had the urge to give something to people. I had no idea what was wrong with me, the little soul, who had felt lonely almost all the time. The moment of helping people really brought great joy to me. Even it was just a little act like accompanying a blind man to cross the road. That instance after I said goodbye to the guy, I literally smiled. I smiled to no one, I smiled because I felt joyful. 

Being joyful and happy are just as easy as helping people. Little goals make a big goal. I ask this question a lot, what's love to you? I'm really excited to see people's reaction about love, how love has worked inside their hearts. They have got different types of definition. At that point, I feel like re-knowing the world, re-knowing people around me. I shared little bit of my life to people around me, being focus on the topic itself instead of myself.

We live in different circumstances. There might be people around us who are from different places. Keeping a distance from them might be a good way to protect ourselves from being hurt. However, the affection of love will only be surrounded inside ourselves. It's not exaggerate to say the love that is not shared is a selfish act, it's a selfish love. Well, that sounds very wrong, because love should not be selfish. 

There was this big choir singing in my college today. They sang about 1 hour. I was having lesson for the first 30 minutes. Imagine the sound they had projected throughout the whole college. They were singing for God. They reminded me of how silly I was when I sang in the choir in my church. I didn't really put in lots of effort, and the notes I projected out were really lousy, I think. I thought about how this missionary choir shared their joy, love and message to people around the world. I felt so glad that there was still hope in the world nowadays. I felt really happy. I enjoyed the songs they sang, though I didn't really hear the altos and tanners. But glory to the Lord.

Every bit of people's life can become one part of our experience. 

What's your experience of love?

What are friends to me?

Sharing is caring.

I wonder how this work in the society nowadays. We tend to take everything as granted. We forget about how people actually make an effort and give us that granted blessing. We stopped being thankful about things we have had, because we never feel enough.

I closed my eyes, sat alone in the new canteen in my college, thought about lots of things. Thought about how dependent I was, on my friends. I couldn't live without my friends. I used to think how much I needed my twin sister in the past. Every decision made by me, was 70 percent made by her. She wasn't controlling me nor abusing me, but I gave her the authority to do so. Since the day I knew how to write, I'd been dependent on her.

Depending on people you love is not wrong, and never wrong. The more you depend on someone, the more you feel like you've no identity when you're not with him or her. I felt this sense of lost belonging. It's as if the world is a new place, though you've been living in the same world for more than 15 years. Then, you claimed that you are not familiar with the world. Because most of the time, you're using the person you depend on as a specs of yours to view the world. The pain of not seeing things clearly is really painful. It's worst than being blind, because you can see, but you can't see clearly. The sense of eagerness to know something grows bigger and bigger, yet, there is no solution for it. No solution.

I guess, that's what we call, growing up, and being as an adult. I ain't sure, when the day of a teen to become an adult is. Because as we grow continuously, we learn new things everyday. We play around, we share things with our friends and etc. As time goes, we find out that we have had a new identity in the group of friends. We name ourselves, the squad. As if we will not be separated even if the world comes to an end. However, this is not true. There will be an end, at which, we have to learn to be independent. We search around the world, do our work, have a life. Friends, are still friends. You count on them when you need help. They too, count on you when they need help. I guess, this is what we call friendship, the ship that will stop at different dock, but it will continue its journey and stop again. I guess, that's what we call a cycle too, an on going journey. I guess, that's what I call love, because love never stop.

Years after depending on my sister, I finally got to have opportunity to force myself to be independent. I wasn't myself at first. The first day in college was horrible. The feeling of being scared constantly conquered my mind. No friend, no close one, nothing at all. What was left was my malfunctioning brain, the brain that would not work accordingly, the brain that made me feel so dump.

Prayers work all the time, all the time prayers work. I ain't sure how much God has done for my life. The moment when I introduce my father in heaven in my blog, I feel as if I'm introducing a friend of mine. I know how boring it is to read Bible, because it's like reading history. However, when you love this friend of yours, you'll check what's up to him. Funny how, we can laugh at random things like, a funny hairstyle, but we feel disconnected with the wisdom of God. I guess, we shall build our relationship with the right person, from there, we find a sense of belonging, which make us being known as the unique one. Because we were created by God, and God has different plan on everyone. I guess, that's what we define amazing. God's plan amazes me.


"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

- Matthew 7:7

Elisa Jean.

New Start`

Ever wonder how to start something? Like starting a conversation with your crush or starting to get rid off your bad habit?

Looking back to what I've done for the past few months, I feel as if I've wasted lots of time talking with friends, and doing nothing. I would say friends have played a big role in my life, though I used to deny it when I was 12. And things get more complicated when you grow older, but things will be solve more easily if you get wiser. Yes, my target of semester 2 is to get wiser. You know, making my brain from malfunctioning level to near-genius-but-never-a-genius level. That's kind of cool thing, because I'll be like a super nerd.

After being an independent girl for the past 2 weeks, I felt a little bit disappointed about myself, because I had been to selfish and not willing to help people. I would say this because I'd been showing my laziness towards house chores before I realised how lazy I was. Everything has changed.

My timetable for Semester 2 was a bit horrible. I wish I could get 8 am lesson everyday and all the lessons would be end before 2. But it turned out I have to get my butt on the chair in the classroom till 4 pm like almost everyday. Thank God for everything, because I still have the opportunity to study!

Bored

I really thank God about what he has done tome.

From the very start of my college life till the soon ending first semester. I managed to maintain my scholarship. I thought I couldn't make it, due to the failure of what I've made in certain subjects, but still, glory to God, I got the scholarship from the college.

About the Parents- Lecture Conference, my lecturers didn't really tell much comments to my mum. It was really great because I wasn't really behave well in college, frankly. I just didn't understand why, the comments made were like super short compared to my classmates'. Thank God for the lecturers!

Good girls good boys, bad girls bad boys.
I just realised I ain't young anymore. I'm 18, but I still act like a kid. Emotional all the time, which means my rational have never gotten on me. I'm such a weirdo. I tend to look back what I've done in the past, like spending my time playing "teaching" with my twin sister, riding bicycle in my neighborhood, gossiping about people ( I stopped doing it when I was 14, okay) and switching chinese books to english books. Guess how funny it is. I used to read lots of Chinese novels. I could finish reading two books ( one book was like 300+ pages ) in a day. After turning 15, I was obsessed with English novels. There were lots which I didn't even know about the authors' names. I just love sucking up the vocabs and the feelings of the stories. I feel like living in them.

Okay. I'm going into too abstract. But well, books accompany me.

About things I haven't done. I feel so lazy and regretful. I want to ace for my preU and get into a nice and famous college. I've this little tiny passion. I wish I could get through it, and do it.

Today's CF was about the purpose of life. I thought about the aim of my life too. Like what I should do, and what I shouldn't let myself do. I want to do a lot of things. However, those are all what I WANT. Well, so I tell myself to pray to God and get a real and solid aim for it.

Elisa

Falling in the darkness

Socialogy is a tough word. 

It has been years, I keep thinking about being successful in life, in term of studies, carriers, and yea, relationships. I am sure that I am not as innocent as I was. Through communicating and lots of thinking, I have grown up, becoming an adult. This can't be wrong. I keep telling myself everything is gonna be alright and everything will just be fine. The reality is as real as you can touch. I hate myself being like a not realistic person. 

I always make myself immerse into the novels. Through reading, I touch and experience the writers' hearts. I understand their overflowed emotions which ended up being written in words. The stories written make a handful of people cry over and over again. At least, not me, I don't have tears in my eyes, but in my heart. 

I'm kind of sad about people being judgmental. Or I would say I'm one of them too. Being enthusiastic about fashion, clothing, hairstyle and all that, make me a worst person. Caring too much about those which will eventually fade in their respective colours, I feel like living in a sad and unreal life. Though it is touchable, it would never be felt, never be touched by hearts.

Meaningless, meaningless. 

What's meaningful there? Probably by the time I find out, I will be smiling all days, or maybe forever.