Where is Identity?

Whenever I write, I think.

I find writing becoming very interesting lately. It is an after incident effect, I would say. After having lots of English lesson for the past 10+ years, I finally get to the stage where writing has become my hobby.

There are things which we always do to identify ourselves. In other words, we often do lots of things that we are comfortable with to prove that we are still ourselves. For example, I would have an exercise routine on some days, because that's what I regularly do and will not want to miss a regular session. Exercising has become a significant routine for Elisa. I guess, we also call that as culture.

Lately, after being "judged" from head to toes, I feel more emotion about myself and my being. I thought about how people known me as. I was an introvert and now I'm a hyperactive girl who laughs on everything with no shame. I bet that's a good change. 

However, I find myself having no responsibilities in things. My no-stress and hyperactive characteristics make me become more careless on things. Because I don't want to worry about things so much. I lose myself in this way. I lose myself of being a responsible and hardworking person. I lose the introvert that I would keep quiet whenever people judge on her.

It seems as if things have changed gradually. At this critical point, I realise how uneasy it is to find my identity. I'm no one and nobody. I don't want to lose the introvert and the hyperactive. Who shall I choose to be?

I watched a Youtube video last night. It was about a girl having eating disorder. She was oppressed by herself in a way that she forced herself not to consume food because she felt fat and ugly all the time. She showed some pictures of her. She was bone-ny. I see how these people do things. They have determination in changing things. I surprised myself. Because I thought about how sad I was when I thought I was fat. I literally went up to mirrors and checked myself if I was thin enough. That was depressing. After those 3 and 4 years of being in a state of checking out my body weight, I finally stopped. I did those things were just to make people realising how thin I was. Sadly ( I would be sad if I'm who I was ), only my dearly grandparents realised that I was starving myself. 

I wish I could have the determination of taking things seriously like how I used to be. But I do not want to have such starving-myself again.