the last day of 2019.

Today is the last day of 2019.

I reflected back to how I have been for the whole year. I found myself sinking more in sadness than joy. That is scary. Because 10 years ago, my vision for life is to be joyful in God. But today, I don't live with that.

And I want for a change.

I want to get back the life, the less-tear life.

I want to relearn about Christ, reopen my heart for Him, regive myself for him.

//

I was reading Maizi, and I saw Teacher Zee Chun's article. I remember how I was very inspired by this teacher of mine, to follow God, to follow the holy way. It is good that I found myself wanting to pick up writing again. Utilising writing for the sake of rearranging my mind, talking to God, controlling my emotions.

I give thanks to words and letters. Because of these, I am able to express in a more polite way, instead of throwing my tantrum to everyone, instead of showing very depression on instagram to my followers and being laughed.

being with god

i thank god for his plan and how i have been living now. 

i found myself couldn't concentrate on His words when i feel very grumpy. i was really frustrated when i thought about my brother, of how he was not helping out with the housework and i felt really tired from doing housework. 

but it got better the past few days. my brother has started helping me with housework. i felt like i'm no longer doing it alone, carrying the burden alone. 

i am thankful for him to be understanding and also helping me during that time. 

my struggle was to concentrate on His word. his words make me think. but when my mind is all about the suffering that i am going through, i feel full to take in his words. 

i thank god for wendy, a new friend that i knew from my fellowship. she is 4 years younger than me. but i felt very happy for her to be in the fellowship. i have the heart to tell her more about christ. i want them to know about christ. i am scared i do it for the sake of glorifying my name. so i think i will do it without keep on telling people about this and that. i wouldn't take on any pose unless they are calling for empty position. only then i will serve. 

i am grateful for my group leader. she is amazing. i enjoy talking to her and sharing about my experience and stories. i enjoy listening to her stories and how sometimes she is too overwhelmed with her little stories that it is hard for all of us to move on to other different stories. i thank god for such a soul who is willing to share and expose herself, and telling all the others how she has been, and eventually how god has used her as His vessels to glorify him for the kingdom of god. i wish we could support each other during this season of our lives and falling in love with jesus and his words more and more. 

i have the tendency to wanting to be the centre of attention. but i tell myself that it is not me, but god. 

i am thankful for this humble experience in my house, being a cinderella. i learn that loving needs more than liking, and i learn that it is not impossible to love soemone that we don't want to love. 

The Silent Sound.

I have that simple destiny to head off to. 

When it's like a bizarre, self help is never gonna help. 

I'm a Christian, reading the Bible everyday, knowing by brain that God is always looking after me. I used to read a lot of story books, trying to find social philosophy out of them. These days, watching YouTube is my hobby because it is as addictive as Pokemon Go. 

I always know what to do for everyday as I always have my daily planner telling me what to do for the day. The schedule I have had, have never changed since the past 2 years. I involve myself in church or 'Christian' events a lot. 

It has become a routine of mine, and a way of mine to serve God. I feel pressured every time I'm on the job. I know, I'm a Christian, have to have Christ-like characters. The pressure of being a soft spoken person, serving people regardless of their ethnicity and being able to help people whenever they are in need.

I'm not soft spoken, but I'm a big trumpet. I'm always judging people by how they look like, or they act, then I tell myself not to judge. I'm very 'sexist' when I'm helping people, because I'm scared being trapped in with guys. I'm reluctant to help people when I have planned to study efficiently for the whole day.

I'm selfish. 

I'm always depressed when I see people getting attention from someone, because I love being like the disco ball in a club, the shinny, shimmering, glittered light, the center of sight of everyone. I love captivating everyone into my that one and truly unique U-shape smile. I love drawing that kind of U-shape line on my face. 

I always seek for myself. That's what people nowadays called self-help. It's as if I'm trying to carry myself so that I will not touch the ground. 

I'm in the midst of letting go my pride, the pride that makes me feel low in self esteem, the pride that makes me think that God is my servant, I can command Him with prayers whenever I want, the pride that crowns me with ugliness and self-pitied character, the pride that always makes me feel disconnected with brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I'm laying down my pride, I write for Him, because He has given me the ability to type and write, because He has given me the opportunity to post it online, because He has given me abundant of things, because I'm always His no matter how many crowns and flowers I have or I have not received from the world. 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to god and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. ( James 4:7-10)

I tried too hard to be a Christian by taking step 1 to '0000 of steps. 

He does, I follow. Simple but complicated, slowly but too slow. Focus and trust. 

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a  brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. ( James 4:11)

Brothers and sisters are willing to help, we are together.

We have that simple destiny to head off to.

A change.

There is a strong urge in my telling that I should write this down. I have to share it with whoever I love, regardless of genders.

I have been in a struggle of setting the boundaries between my opposite gender and I. 

It has been hard for me to make friends since I was young. It probably due to the fact that I always have a partner, perhaps, everyday friend by my side. I had never felt lonely. This mate of mine helped me a lot, in everywhere. I might have relied on her too much to the point where I might have unintentionally worshiped her. 

Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend till today. 

I start shifting my center of my life purpose to another. 

***

Knowing that separation is hard, I prayed to God. I pray when I'm alone. He has become a part of my life. He takes charge of my life. I need him in my life. 

***

The hardest thing to learn is to lay down my own decisions to the altar of God. It is hard. It is really hard.

I have gotten this addiction of worshiping money last year, or perhaps, many years ago. I liked the sense of buying new clothes. I liked being called fashionable. I liked being the centre of the attention. It was true enough that I had become an attention seeker. I seek for love everywhere from everyone. 

I used to be a low self esteem person who couldn't look into others' eyes when they spoke. I felt insecured. I thought I was a low class person. As I gradually changed my behaviour and the inner side of myself, I started to be more outgoing. Perhaps, this is the reason why you have known me as a person who is joyous and who laughs and makes people fall into the world of happiness. I tried to make tonnes of jokes in the early stage of my changing life. This further transformed me to who I'm today, the one that does silly things to make people laugh without knowing how silly I have gone. 

They call it humorous. 

Every happy story has a scare on the main character. We know that in our heart. We have scare in our life. We dare not tell.

***

I am scared of being not loved by people. I make myself more available to others. I love locking others' eyes in my eyes, as if I know their future, I know what they want, I know their desires, I know what are burried down inside their hearts. I love the feelings of it. 

Little did I know, it was actually an adultery.

Engaging people by locking their eyes in mine has become the most powerful way of me locking their hearts (well, at least, that's what I thought). It is awful.

It is really awful.

***

Today, I, tell myself, and I tell God that I will, bow down, and let him take away my shameful heart, my adultery behavior. 

Prayer:

Lord, there's no way I could control myself anymore, it's all your authority. I love writing, I love telling people about how much you have done for me. I want to commit myself, my heart, and my behavior to you. Everything I say will be your will. Everything I do, I will do with you. Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have changes again and again. Humble me in your words, humble me to serve the people around me knowing that my body is yours, not any guys' not anyone's. I will serve you wholeheartedly, with all my mind, my soul and my heart. 

In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

You and I: Part I

Believe or not, we are all searching the 'you' in our lives. 

In fact, we are searching for the 'you' everyday. It makes us restless. It's relentless. 

It is as if our lives' purpose is to get a life companion. Admit it, all of us feel lonely, sometimes. Sometimes, you wish to have someone being by your side. There might be no words exchanged. The presence of 'you' is enough. The presence of 'you' wins the whole world. It's a feeling of 'I just need 'you''.

Perhaps, that's why you and I are searching for a life mate. It's not as easy as buying a life companion (Samsung phones), it is time and energy consuming. It's seldom that these factors would hold us back from the desire to love. We love challenges, don't we? 

Almost, everyone, is excited for a new start. You feel as if being in a new environment is the best thing ever. It is the moment that you have been longed for. But, why? Because you want to get rid of your old habits, because you want to get rid of the loneliness that the older you experienced, because you want a whole different life with a genuine friend. You want a story that is written by both of you.

How many new starts can you have?

On the other hand, you might also wish for meeting new people, those who just start new. Later, you find out that you are actually not longing for a new start or a change, you're waiting for a new experience. You are long for a ''You' and I' experience. The one that belongs to only both of you.

***

I like how Reverend Dr. Stephen Tong's sermon went. I once attended one of his sermons in KL this year January. I have loved how he described the relationship of 'Thou' and I. It was breathtaking. 

When we were young (now imagine yourself as a little kid figure), we had been depending on our mothers. Every time when problem making us cry, mother was our rescuers. Our life circles were too small that only 'Thou' (our moms) and us. We cried in our hearts when moms were driving away from our kindergartens. We cried when there were only us on the isle of the supermarket. We wanted our moms to be by our sides, we wanted the care and love from her. She is the 'Thou'.

As we grew older, we found out that our moms weren't the smartest, weren't the perfect ones. The 'Thou', therefore, changed from moms, to our dads, then our teachers, our lecturers, our peers. 

Our 'Thou' changes. We later realise that 'Thou' is too hard to be found.

Till now, we are still searching the 'Thou'.

'Thou', where are you?

Too competitive? I'm not good enough?

I've just finished reading a chapter of my course book. It's a special book because it talks about Work and Leisure. It triggers my mind.

I went to a church today. I was new there. It was like finally, I understood what the sermon was all about. For the previous churches that I had attended, I didn't quite remember what the sermons were about, or perhaps, I didn't really understand much. My mind wasn't in place. Or perhaps, I was too tired and was tempted to fall asleep. 

At least, my eyes weren't closed. 

Searching for a healthy church has become a challenge for me, because I've got too much factors to weight about and decisions to be made. I thank God that I had a wonderful day today. Things went on smoothly. I had tried my best communicate with people. 

Do I sound like I was forced to communicate?

I often labelled myself as an introvert. It was kind of sad, because I had unintentionally drawn a distinct line between myself and the world. I often told myself that it was alright to shut myself up and continue being quiet all day long. Sometimes, when people genuinely talked to me, I felt kind of disappointed with myself. I restricted myself from being open up to others. But they were willing to share personal things to me. 

I've changed after all.

It takes a long time to realise that everyone has got his or her own talents ( something ). Sometimes, jealousy creeps in my heart. I wonder why there were so many pretty people and cool kids around me, while I'm just a Kampung born wild girl. I drop things very often, the moment when I move my body, the whole table shakes. That's me. Shame puts me into its category. 

I need to learn.

Americans always possess the concept of being set free, having your own self, you're the best and etc. Is that really true that we can keep on continuing what we are comfortable with while the truth tells us that it's wrong? 

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity." Colossians 4:5

They say Freedom

Stressed is overwhelming.

Connect the photo with this blog whatever you want. 

It's not until I realised that I've gotta be prepared for every week. Because there's almost 2 quizzes for every week. Studying abroad is supposed to be fun and exciting, but what I feel is just plainly stress and anxiety. 

It's time when independent has become the key word of my life here. It's all about being organised and being responsible to oneself. No one will ever care what you are doing, you are the one who care about yourself. At this point of my life, there's actually no one giving a weird look for whatever I'm doing. I guess that's what they called freedom. Free from being judged by people.

Obligation brings me to the safe zone boundary. 

I can't abandon much of the culture that I've brought from where I grew up to here. I keep God's words in my brain. My brain stimulates the words out to my heart whenever there's something that I feel wrong. I stay away from the wrong. 

Because I always want to be at the right.

I see how society here has got strong will of human rights. They have advertisement of Gay and Lesbian's show on a particular date and time. I see how people can just talk about having condoms and what not in their lives. I'm completely aware that things are not as beautiful as what I have experienced in my country. Things are not complicated here, it's even simpler. 

Humans have demand. Therefore, there's a supply for their needs. 

That's just as simple as that.

I have had classmates who is blind and who constantly sits at her wheelchair. I also have classmates who raise kids for their past life and now still feeding their kids with all they have. I see how different people come from different destinies, but they have decided to give in their lives to this thing called education. 

I see how education works.

It is never a chance for disabilities or responsibilities to constrain you from persueing what you want. It's never a chance for people to stop you going into the desires that you have always wanted to fulfilled. No one ever care if you have being controlled by your desires. They don't care. 

I wrote down "Actively Rescue" on a piece of paper, and I pasted it on my wall. I told myself, this is the theme for 2016. I'm having an obligation of rescuing whoever. On my back, I've the Almighty one. You know who I'm talking about, don't you?

"I have the right to do anything," you say, but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything", but I will not be mastered by anything.  - 1 Corinthians 6:12

February is Exciting

It has been a long while since I last posted.

I have been great. I am very grateful for everything. January was a thrilling month which I got to live together with my sister only. That was a quite tough job but we somehow made it through the end. We have gone back to our hometown last Monday. It was a so-so experience on plane. Before I forget, we met a well known producer of our hometown. We didn't say HI or get photos because 1st, that was weird and 2nd I usually do not react to those popular people when I see them.

It has been a great week in my hometown. Unlike having holiday alone with my sister in Kuala Lumpur, we didn't go to church every day like we used to do it in KL. We stayed at home but went to park for walk almost every day. I have stayed strong in doing workout by Blogilates. The workouts are intense and fulfilling. Those make you sweat a lot when you are doing and make you sore in the following morning. It's a Youtube channel that I refer to. I enjoy doing that a lot these days.

I have gotten everything ready for studying overseas except getting an accommodation. I was worrying for the whole last week until the student rooms department replied my email. I finally feel a sense of relief. But I'm still working on getting a good and suitable accommodation. I pray hard.

I'm very excited about getting my degree. It's exciting to wait for the first day of university. I always want to have a university life. The life that's tough as no family member will be there with me. I feel like getting the challenge. That's a battle of God and I with the world. I'm ready for this.

I somehow don't feel excited about celebrating Chinese New Year. What's in my mind are studying and getting into a new university. I guess things are all be in God's hands.

:)

A Hopeful Day

When we are young, we tend to think about the future.

I ain't sure how lonely I would be in the future. I'll be having no sisters tagging around me, I'll have to do things on my own, literally.

I have this strong urge to become a friend of everyone that I have met. 

This was what happened today.

I went to the city center of Malaysia by using train. I was freaking out because I was so scared of ISIS wandering around the city. I prayed as I went. I realised how weak I was because I was so afraid of death at that point of my life. I once prayed to God that, I would like to live until 18 years old because I wanted to experience the life as a college student. Today, I was so afraid that God would take an action of killing me. I was so scared. 

I found out how silly I was. 

Things got better after praying to God. I told my sister to study hard and continue her life, if I died. She replied with a question, asking me why was I so hopeless. I told her that I wasn't hopeless, but I was too hopeful that I could die peacefully. I thought of how simple life was.

I didn't die.

It was a hopeful day. 

Why a fashion designer?

Things are getting more interesting in my life. 

It's only the third day of the year, I have already written two blog posts. I don't know how I will continue this blog. The plan of closing down is blog is in my head. I have allocated too much time on writing blog instead of doing other stuff. Is writing this blog a waste of time?

I find myself loving the feeling of reading. Reading makes me rethink about myself. It's a really exhausting non physical activity. If a person constantly reads, she might not be able to live a life. I'm currently into this type of situation. I find it easier to just immerse myself into the world of words instead of the world of humans. Is that an obsession? Obsession can lead to a serious problem. People might not pay attention to other things any more. What they do will be plainly focusing on what they obsessed with. Yes, in my condition, I think it's too pitiful for me to be obsessed with things like that.

***

Tell you a little testimony. It's a testimony of God shaping my character and my mind. You might find it a bit ridiculous, but bear with this testimony.

People who know me since I was young know that I have this little dream, which is becoming a fashion designer. It's easier to say than to be. As all of us know that fashion designer means to be popular, even more popular than the models. Popularity was what I looked for. No one knew that was my only purpose of being a fashion designer. Like other teens, I opted to have a prosperous life. A life that shines. I wanted a life like Taylor Swift who has her own shoes product line, I wanted a life like Gisele Bunche who engages with many brands and eventually comes out with her own shoe line too. I want to be like Coco Channel who changed the whole fashion industry until today. I wanted to be famous. I wanted the world knew about my name. 

I won't.

I was struggling with my parents when we discussed about my carrier path. They strongly disagreed with it. I knew why, but I stood still on my own position. 

That was when I knew how important my parents have been in my life. A life without them is a life that I can't even imagine. It would be totally a mess, a mess that I couldn't even think about it. 

I didn't change my ambition immediately. I stopped caring about it. And here comes my life path to a very 'business' one. I'm not sure is this a correct one, but I once told myself that I would do everything that's favourable in God. 

I stop seeking for popularity.
X

New Day

Humans always live in regrets. 

I often give myself a remark on what and how I have done. It's true that I keep on watching myself making mistakes, being silly. I have lots of thoughts that I want to share. I always think out loud. 

I asked myself, what's my new year resolution? I find myself being lazy to even think about one or two. After all, I have experienced lots of comments that I have given to myself. I know that correcting or giving myself a new year resolution are never enough to even make me become a better person. A new year resolution? I would say yes, everyday resolution is better. 

How much time does all of us spend on doing things that we are not supposed to do? How much time do we actually care about people around us? How much time do we use to love ourselves? Are we spending too much time on loving ourselves instead of the others? 

What's your new year resolution?

***

I got myself a new hair cut last Sunday. I found it very funny, I literally laughed at myself in front of the mirror. What could be worse than having a bad hair cut? Feeling good about myself is even worse, I would say. I reflect to myself. I find myself being too boastful about how I look or even what I'm studying. Things that I have done have not been better after all! It's always not too late to realise I'm not perfect, I'm very weak. 

I have these thoughts are all because of my results. My results was out 3 days ago. I was astonished by it! I never thought I would get such results. It was below my expectation. I didn't cry about it, but I thank God that at least everything I did last year was blessings from God. I thank God. 

I didn't pay much attention to my studies last year. I promise myself to use my time wisely this year. Perhaps, I should start today. Things might get better. 

I have lots of new year a.k.a. everyday resolutions. I wrote down in a list of an A4 paper. Those things are pretty pressuring. I have to get those things done and I have to keep in mind of all of them! I have one bible verse as my 2016 year's topic. I'm going to live with this verse for the whole year. Dissecting the list that I have written, I have every resolution with a verse. The resolution is not like what I used to write. This time, I get a more flexible and abstract one for myself. 

I don't know if anyone would read my blog. I strongly recommend you to really start every day like how you start every year. The enthusiasm and sophisticated feelings should always be in everyday! 

Let's live every day to the fullest!

Say Goodbye to Yesterday

How many years can I still live for?

I participate in my church caroling team. Singing has always been a difficult task for me, but I still give it a try. Knowing to be the youngest adult in the caroling group, I feel so much overwhelmed with how much I have grown. I'm no longer a kid. I'm never gonna be a kid anymore. 

Talking about aging, it's always two types of accepting your age, embracing wholeheartedly, or you can be worrying about it. 

I used to think that I'm still a kid who can throw tantrum, who still can use the excuse of mood swinging. But no, I'm never going back to the stage. I have to live. If there's no tomorrow, I live for today.

Humans can be a bit depressed when it comes to the year end. They find out how much they have spent for the year through reorganizing their belongings. Like me, I just checked out how many pieces of clothes I have bought. I'm pretty amazed with the fact, because I bought too many. It's a sad fact, because I know I have to correct myself so that I won't allocate much money on clothing next year. 

2015 was not a difficult year compared to 2014. My overall intellectual level has not risen this year ( I think so ). But I have jumped out from my comfort zone and met lots of new people with my awkward personality. There are lots of times when I was ignored by people when I say a HI. Despite of the ignore by people, I still did it. I think that's the 2015 Elisa, who broke her records of getting new friends herself. 

Another big improvement I did was getting closer to God. This couldn't be done without the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank God for this! 

There's just never going to repeat what had happened yesterday.
Growing is the grace of God.
Getting old is the blessing of God.
I thank God.

Quitting Job ft. Emily's shots

Sometimes, I just wonder how to make good decisions.

When comes to making decisions, I usually have 2 types of responses. I can come out with a decision in a short time, and usually that decision is made without much of consideration but with stress. The second one would be making decision based on family or friends' advice and my own consideration too. It takes more than 5 days to make the decisions. However, the result is often not favorable. 

Talking about my exciting December part time job, I thought I would go for the work in a period of two months time. I would have to stay in KL for two months. While on the other side, my family is in Bintulu for another month. This means if I go to work, I would have to be separated with them for one month. A decision of going for work would mean that I would lose spending time with my family before I go overseas to study! 

The next day after my eldest sister's wedding, I woke up in a strong urge of quitting my first job. I started to worry if this was the correct decision. Pretty much, the whole morning was all about worrying whether to quit of not to. On the way back to KL in the car, I prayed for the job when I was half asleep. This is my bad ( if it's bad ) habit. I always pray when I can't sleep but I want myself to sleep. I didn't get into sleep afterwards, but I sent a message to the head of human resource of the company. I immediately sent a message saying that I wanted to quit the job ( I know, I don't even get to work for the first day ).

With messages, the quitting job is settled. I'm relief in the end. I felt really remorseful for putting money as my first aim. You know what, the guiltiness of worshiping money is really terrible. It made me couldn't get into sleep immediately when I was in bed. What's more, it made me felt like betraying God ( in exact, I was betraying ). Conclusion, never follow money, follow God. And happiness comes in in the end! 

"You shall have no other Gods before me. " - Exodus 20:3

I decided to add in this really useful way to make any decisions in life! FOLLOW GOD. 

xxx

Here are some of the shots that Emily did during the holiday trip to Bintulu. My outfit was out of creativity ( yes, I never have any creativity in my outfits, like never! ). I really like the exposure as well as the aperture effect, she caught the nice angles too! Presenting to you (drums roll), Emily's improved skills and her new lens photographs featuring two silly ones.

Top: Cotton On

Bottom: Cotton On

Sunglasses: Cotton On

X

Beauty

I can still remember the dreams that I wanted to achieve when I was just a high school student.

It was kind of weird that dreams change according to time. The older I grow, the more I realise about what to do in my life. Realisation often changes the way I act and the way I live. It makes me feel even older than who I am right now.

A photo a post, keep reader awake. 

A lot of time, I am told to be bold and be brave. It is a hardship of mine. Back to my English inefficiency problem which I face lately makes me even dull. I always show up the emotional face, or you can say that super stressful look. It is partly due to my English. I challenge myself to watch Youtube video. I watched different Youtubers' channels. They are some from England, mostly are American, there are also some from Australia. Besides listening to different accents of English, I also make a lot of effort of listening to the lyrics of different types of music. I admit this one is more like my hobby than listening to different accents. Music is a decoration of language. Or language is a decoration of music? I guess they are both interconnected and they stand on their own.

Reading the lyrics makes me understand how English work. But sometimes, it is very risky learning English from the lyrics, because there are lots of possibilities having wrong grammar in the songs. Anyway, I still think it is a good way to learn English. But no matter how much I try, I'm still a loser in English.

I often ask myself this question: why do I have the ability to speak chinese? I blame a lot on knowing too many languages making me a dump in English. Sometimes, I just spend like 10 minutes laughing at my poor English. I wish one day I could gain the real happiness from knowing English. I hate my disability.

Sometimes, I feel so low in self esteem when comes to dressing up myself. I know I sound so childish here. To me, it's just a shame of mine not knowing how to combine different colours. Investigating designs and fabric has always been my hobby too. And I feel like I'm not good in combining designs and colours. It's such a contrast that I spend super long time on this thing, and I fail to achieve what I set for myself. That kind of feeling makes me want to thank God more than hating myself. I'm serious.

I read a lot of articles about how people who are disable are able to do something they seems like can't. I thank God for giving this chance to even write out this blog of mine in English. I thank God for whoever created blogger. I thank God that he knows me more than anyone else. Because I'm such a proud girl who thinks her math has reached the highest point, and a simple question came out in one of the test set her to fall down from the upper most of the mountain. I thank God that I know a lot of teachers because of my love asking question nature in me. Probably you can see me calling lots of people ( especially in church) teachers. And lots of people wonder how on earth my teachers are my teachers. I thank God for my disabilities that I can never be proud outside and constantly ask for God's help internally.

I know one day, I might meet important people in my life who can help me out in English. Who knows what God's plan is? Glory to the Lord.

It is a beauty of disability. 

X

Depression

I'm a lonely person.

It is a statement for almost everyone. I'm sure all the human being on earth have at least once in their life time feel this statement strongly that this statement has become their feeling.

I thought about peer pressure a lot these days. It's whether by wearing something nice or being smart in class. There are lots of cool kids in college, trust me, if you never been to one. Those cool kids are really cool, they know how to socialise with people, at the same time, they juggle their studies as well. You'll see them passing with flying colour, and you never wonder why, because they are cool kids.

I pulled myself off from my usual click of friends. I try to mix around with the others. It's not bad to be on my own, because sometimes, independent is built this way.

There was a lot of depression time for the past few months, because I was lost in the college. I'd got my friends who laughed at what I wore, I'd got people who laughed at how speak English, and even my expression. A friend of mine once told me that they just wanted to make me laugh. I would say these are all insults. Sometimes, patience continues to grow bigger and wider in our heart. But that doesn't mean everything will be alright. There's never ' it's okay' time. We need to fix the things up before saying IT'S OKAY.

I might take things too seriously sometimes. I used to let those uncomfortable things to go off. But they were making feel like I weren't myself. Because once people kept laughing at me and I was so bloody angry that I literally wanted to utter some dirty words out, I calmed myself, told myself it was okay, it would be better. Later I found myself sitting on my bed, cried like a baby. The uncontrolled tears rolled down faster than I would imagine. I finally came out a conclusion that I was actually going through depression.

It was hard to overcome depression. The sickness told me to stop believing in anything, anyone, and any God. I thought I would just tell my twin sister about all. I held back. Even if releasing the stress and emotion is not enough to be recovered from depression.

Act before we think is what we often forget about. Think before we act is much easier. When shall we act? When will the action be done? What shall we do?

I turned back to God, because I knew God was the only one to turn to. I'm still working in progress.

I know the meaning.

There was a time when I felt really touched. 

Helping people has become one of my main goals in my life. There was time when I felt really down, and I had the urge to give something to people. I had no idea what was wrong with me, the little soul, who had felt lonely almost all the time. The moment of helping people really brought great joy to me. Even it was just a little act like accompanying a blind man to cross the road. That instance after I said goodbye to the guy, I literally smiled. I smiled to no one, I smiled because I felt joyful. 

Being joyful and happy are just as easy as helping people. Little goals make a big goal. I ask this question a lot, what's love to you? I'm really excited to see people's reaction about love, how love has worked inside their hearts. They have got different types of definition. At that point, I feel like re-knowing the world, re-knowing people around me. I shared little bit of my life to people around me, being focus on the topic itself instead of myself.

We live in different circumstances. There might be people around us who are from different places. Keeping a distance from them might be a good way to protect ourselves from being hurt. However, the affection of love will only be surrounded inside ourselves. It's not exaggerate to say the love that is not shared is a selfish act, it's a selfish love. Well, that sounds very wrong, because love should not be selfish. 

There was this big choir singing in my college today. They sang about 1 hour. I was having lesson for the first 30 minutes. Imagine the sound they had projected throughout the whole college. They were singing for God. They reminded me of how silly I was when I sang in the choir in my church. I didn't really put in lots of effort, and the notes I projected out were really lousy, I think. I thought about how this missionary choir shared their joy, love and message to people around the world. I felt so glad that there was still hope in the world nowadays. I felt really happy. I enjoyed the songs they sang, though I didn't really hear the altos and tanners. But glory to the Lord.

Every bit of people's life can become one part of our experience. 

What's your experience of love?

What are friends to me?

Sharing is caring.

I wonder how this work in the society nowadays. We tend to take everything as granted. We forget about how people actually make an effort and give us that granted blessing. We stopped being thankful about things we have had, because we never feel enough.

I closed my eyes, sat alone in the new canteen in my college, thought about lots of things. Thought about how dependent I was, on my friends. I couldn't live without my friends. I used to think how much I needed my twin sister in the past. Every decision made by me, was 70 percent made by her. She wasn't controlling me nor abusing me, but I gave her the authority to do so. Since the day I knew how to write, I'd been dependent on her.

Depending on people you love is not wrong, and never wrong. The more you depend on someone, the more you feel like you've no identity when you're not with him or her. I felt this sense of lost belonging. It's as if the world is a new place, though you've been living in the same world for more than 15 years. Then, you claimed that you are not familiar with the world. Because most of the time, you're using the person you depend on as a specs of yours to view the world. The pain of not seeing things clearly is really painful. It's worst than being blind, because you can see, but you can't see clearly. The sense of eagerness to know something grows bigger and bigger, yet, there is no solution for it. No solution.

I guess, that's what we call, growing up, and being as an adult. I ain't sure, when the day of a teen to become an adult is. Because as we grow continuously, we learn new things everyday. We play around, we share things with our friends and etc. As time goes, we find out that we have had a new identity in the group of friends. We name ourselves, the squad. As if we will not be separated even if the world comes to an end. However, this is not true. There will be an end, at which, we have to learn to be independent. We search around the world, do our work, have a life. Friends, are still friends. You count on them when you need help. They too, count on you when they need help. I guess, this is what we call friendship, the ship that will stop at different dock, but it will continue its journey and stop again. I guess, that's what we call a cycle too, an on going journey. I guess, that's what I call love, because love never stop.

Years after depending on my sister, I finally got to have opportunity to force myself to be independent. I wasn't myself at first. The first day in college was horrible. The feeling of being scared constantly conquered my mind. No friend, no close one, nothing at all. What was left was my malfunctioning brain, the brain that would not work accordingly, the brain that made me feel so dump.

Prayers work all the time, all the time prayers work. I ain't sure how much God has done for my life. The moment when I introduce my father in heaven in my blog, I feel as if I'm introducing a friend of mine. I know how boring it is to read Bible, because it's like reading history. However, when you love this friend of yours, you'll check what's up to him. Funny how, we can laugh at random things like, a funny hairstyle, but we feel disconnected with the wisdom of God. I guess, we shall build our relationship with the right person, from there, we find a sense of belonging, which make us being known as the unique one. Because we were created by God, and God has different plan on everyone. I guess, that's what we define amazing. God's plan amazes me.


"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

- Matthew 7:7

Elisa Jean.

New Start`

Ever wonder how to start something? Like starting a conversation with your crush or starting to get rid off your bad habit?

Looking back to what I've done for the past few months, I feel as if I've wasted lots of time talking with friends, and doing nothing. I would say friends have played a big role in my life, though I used to deny it when I was 12. And things get more complicated when you grow older, but things will be solve more easily if you get wiser. Yes, my target of semester 2 is to get wiser. You know, making my brain from malfunctioning level to near-genius-but-never-a-genius level. That's kind of cool thing, because I'll be like a super nerd.

After being an independent girl for the past 2 weeks, I felt a little bit disappointed about myself, because I had been to selfish and not willing to help people. I would say this because I'd been showing my laziness towards house chores before I realised how lazy I was. Everything has changed.

My timetable for Semester 2 was a bit horrible. I wish I could get 8 am lesson everyday and all the lessons would be end before 2. But it turned out I have to get my butt on the chair in the classroom till 4 pm like almost everyday. Thank God for everything, because I still have the opportunity to study!

Different Views

I thank God for today, that I managed to finish my economics test paper.

I'm gonna tell you a story about my Economics. It was a really tough subject which I didn't like because I made myself failed in the first three tests. I wasn't quite sure what I should do to at least pass for my Economics, however, I prayed and trusted God that He would make me a way and give me the best. Yes, it ended up I passed my next two tests. And I was so grateful. 

I'm a horrible person, who is always proud of myself. I feel shameful when I don't hit the standard that people have stated. If I do hit the standard, I laugh inside my heart, because I win. I left my pride to conquer myself until one day, I felt like this wasn't right. Because what I had done would never be my own effort. Never. It's all done by God. Well, I need to keep in mind that glory is not mine. 

It's really hard for youngsters nowadays to place God at first. In church, every youth might seem like very actively praising God during praise and worship session. And they know that God shall be the first in their life. After church, they, no shall be we, barely remember what we should do. We barely remember why there is the existence of God, why people need God and why ourselves need God. And there's never a great thought about purpose of our life, because we tell ourselves we are still young. 

We can have tonnes of friends, but we don't even know what our life is for. We never realise it is important to think about our future or even what to do for this instance. I mean I've failed lots of time to plan what to do and why I'm doing something. I really don't know. I've lost myself many times, and there comes with a no solution end for each lost. 

An unsuccessful planning is planning to fail. And the aimless planning for an aim is aimless.

 

I struggle a lot with what I'm doing right now. I take up many responsibilities. I feel energetic sometimes, but many times, I feel like leaving the world and hide myself, reading novels. And that's what I want to do. I ain't scared that due to my incomplete responsibilities, I'll be scolded. What I understand is that if I'm absence from my present life, there will be no future for my tomorrow. How I wish I could retire right now, reading novels for the rest of my life. And that's gonna be the best and most unreal dream ever. 

Planning for my future. Yea, that sounds amazing yet tiring. My brain keeps telling me to follow my desire but the purpose of my desired ambition is not as meaningful as what I want. My closer to reality ambition, on the other hand, is more meaningful, but required lots of thinking and studies. I ain't sure if I could cope with it. And I leave no answer for these. 

Contrast

Not to mention how sad I was with my studies and especially my English. I'm so desperate to learn all the vocabs and the way of writing and also speaking English, due to my own discrimination to myself. I know that's weird, but I just feel like I still have a lot more to go before I can say I'm able to speak English.

I was a bit down last week, because I had that sudden feel of being abandoned by the world. Or I could say I was too upset about the world because of what I had seen. I kept thinking about the fact that human were always judgmental and they judged by look. Or even by their voice.

I was in to the break down, I mean I really had few drops of tears when I laid out my feelings to my lovely bro. All I could think about was that one day people would get old, the colour of prettiness would fade. I was afraid.

Until then I realised there was a Good Friday. I went back to my high school and was being in a part of the Christian Fellowship in my high school. I felt old, and at the same time, I felt young. It was a place where I created my 5 years memories, where I spent most of my teenage time. I hate it when I say teenage, because when I was in my high school, I didn't do anything that a normal teenage would do, because I was too nerdy. And teenage sounds a bit bad and naughty. Well, entitle myself a nerdy will maybe draw a smile on my face.

Once again I rethought about how God has loved us, sent His one and only son to us, and died for our sins. I know it is an ordinary fact but it is a fact of love, a special love.

I thought I would end up lying on my bed and think about life or something else like that for the whole week end. Instead of that, I spent my Saturday morning with my family to the shopping mall. I bought 3 English books. Sadly, they are all chessy stories, I can say. Unlike what my sister bought, I was way too much into emotion. In fact you are wondering what did my sis buy, she bought a Dummies for Math. Then, you see, how ironic a pair of twins can be. That's the truth.

Saturday evening was a complete enjoyable session. I went to choir practice. Though I knew I sang nothing like a bird nor like Adele, but choir in church was a praising to God, not for the seek for people to praise how well I sang. So yea, I tried my very best to sing. Glory to the Lord.

Today is a lovely day. I woke up and started reading the novel I bought on Saturday. And I couldn't stop reading it! What a bad habit of mine. I was so immersed in the story and well, I could still pull myself out of it.

Oh ya! I thank God for my exam's result. It wasn't a good result ( compared to my high school time, and I regret right now because I switched from Science stream to Art stream ) but I thank God for the marks! And also for every bit of the wisdom.

Indeed, I'm feeling happy and bit crazy right now, because I'm suspecting a spot test tomorrow.


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Sorry for my English mistakes