Church is Everywhere.

when things get rough, it is time for God to smooth them out.

I am very amazed with what i have gone through. Two months ago, I was wondering why I couldn't do an admin job well in Adelaide. I gave myself a try-out working in a clothing shop. The shop was kind of new in the industry and the company is relatively small. I went there for 2 days, mainly writing emails and stressing myself out. 

It was the worst job that I have ever gotten myself into. 

I panic all the time while I was in the shop, mainly because I did not know what to expect and I kept on thinking that I did not do well enough, or the email was not written in a correct form. I felt very embarrassed with my outlook due to the lack on makeup and makeup skill on my bare face. I wore foundation and lipstick to work for those two days. I was terrified. 

I thought I would be in the fashion industry through doing that marketing manager position. I was wrong. The whole fashion industry was more than designing. It is about branding and all that you bring for first impression. After all, fashion industry is a first impression industry. It is about how well you can impress others and how efficient you can handle your work. 

It was the end of the second day when I saw the messages sent by my sisters. I stunted. I couldn't believe that was happening to my family. The reality hits my face. It was until then I was reminded that after all, we have been battling to stay alive and fighting to not be caught by the death. I knew immediately that I was not meant to be in Australia. I called my best friend and told him all about what happened. I cried in front of him and told him that I had to book a flight back to Malaysia to see my family, support them and help with whatever I can. 

I did a bit of packing and flew back a few days later. Going back was a trip to my hideout place from how unsuccessful I was building my career in Australia. It was also time for me to pick up the family responsibilities that I was supposed to fulfil 3 years since I last stayed with my family for long term.

I knew I needed to be in Malaysia. 

The very next thing I knew was that I needed to be in Bintulu where my brother goes to school at. I knew I needed to be back taking care of my brother, being an acting parents and a barely qualified guardian of his. It was hard but God brought me through. He taught me to be patience and loving to my brother. 

I was also quite frustrated with how I have not been permanently staying in a place, but living off from my luggage. I didn't blame anyone for that. Instead, I questioned God why I had this kind of experience, what was he trying to tell me or preparing me for? I still don't get an answer until now. 

But I know He is guiding me. 

There is an inner peace that calm my unstable emotions. 

When He is here, everything will be alright. 

I thank God for my current church in Bintulu. I thank God for them being so supportive in making friends with me and inviting me to come out and hang. God knows what I need the most. I can never deny that. 

X

the dirtiest girl.

It wasn't the first time I have been in a position where I find myself conflicting with myself.

Credit to: Emily (insta: @emilyppeace)

I am not sure if you have ever felt the same way before. It was a torn apart feeling, like you don't know if you are currently a wonderwoman or you are a cinderella. 

Basically I "suffer" from this thing called ladylike. 

-- 

When I was 11, I moved to a big city from a small undeveloped town. It wasn't a good feeling at that time, but I was grateful for the move. I finally opened my eyes and saw how different ones' life can be. We used to do cycling when on the evening and play badminton even before the sun was set. We did two sports back to back. I remembered cycling too fast that emergency break couldn't work, I found myself and my bike stucked between the big longkang, and got myself wounded here and there. 

Moving to city opened my mind. Seeing how people have living more comfortably and ettiquette was a new thing to me. 

It was the first time I swept classroom floor for the year during recess time. I was good at optimising my time. I grabbed my bun and put them into my mouth. I was literally eating breakfast and sweeping the floor at the same time. My class teacher stopped me from sweeping the floor after she saw me doing this 'animal-like' action. She told me it was very dirty to do so. 

It was the dirtiest moment in my life. 

-- 

When I went back my hometown every year and people asked me this same question a lot - do you like KL more or Bintulu? The first two years I answered Bintulu. The following years I realised saying both or neither is a legit answer without punishment. Their question followed by another question - what's the difference of living in these two different places? 

It is the ettiquette. The boys in my class in Bintulu would run around in the classroom and hit the tables, made the whole role of tables looking like a snake. After recess time, you would expect to see an aftermath of World War 2 in class. The boys in KL would go canteen together and bought ate. They would play in the canteen (I thought so, because I didn't see them often in class during recess, and I didn't really pay much attention to the guys). Classroom is definitely tidier in KL than Bintulu. Bintulu's needed higher maintenance. 

--

I received this wikihow link from my sister the beginning of this year (https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Classy-Girl). She told me to not talk too much, not too loud and do not simply laugh. I used to laugh 2 years ago. I got the message she wanted to deliver. It is a pinch of salt and a gentle rub in my heart. 

I was told my skirt was too short and short skirt made my thigh looked buff. I was told my fancy floral pants should not reveal my legs so much. I was told my watch was too "low-class", I was told I shouldn't be rough. 

--

So, I dropped little bit of tears when I sang What a Beautiful Name. 

I always sang loudly when it is praise and worship time. I don't deny that I like singing and embrace singing, even though I don't know if I had ever sung out of tune before. It is a moment to reminisce and chewing the lyrics and enjoy the rhythm, tunes and music, of how Great God is. 

Not until one day, I got a bit sore throat after singing. 

And I was told that I always sang too loud. 

My heart sank like an anchor into the deepest ocean, hoping that I could be drowned forever, so I will forever be unseen. 

"Should I be ladylike when I sing?", I asked this to myself before I was suffocated in the ocean.

Why have I been so dirty throughout my life?

--

Seriously, why give a 💩when people comment on how you express praise in song to God? Why give a 💩to people when you are committing your life for the Kingdom and glory of God?

Elisa X

Reassurance

Sometimes I find it good to rest in my little bedroom, organising whatever that are in my mind. 2017 has been a year that is full of different stories. Tears of every kinds make this year an epic year.

I always hope that one day my life can be changed and I can be another person. I wish to be the people that I have looked up to. I wish to live like how they have lived. I have always complained about how insufficient I am in receiving blessing from God. I always fail to see the beauty of God's plan.

Weeks ago, my church here in Adelaide has had a missionary visiting us. She is Maggie and she talked about how she has become a missionary. She said that prayer is the scariest thing to do. It reveals things that you do not want to hear. Truly, we are often committing ourselves in doing things that we want for ourselves, we forget to see the bigger picture. We give ourselves more and more reasons of not following what God has taught us, holding on to the self that we have always been. It is scary to throw ourselves into the bin and submit the life and authority to God. Giving up ourselves and feeling what God wants us to do.

I see this. I am so broken. I always tell my best friend that I am so broken. He will always reply by saying that we all are broken. Yes, we are all broken.

How many times I find myself watching people's photos or instagram stories and thought of achieving what people have achieved in their lives. The urge inside my mind pushes me to pursue more of what I want. The attachment that I have had for a companionship grows stronger. I look up the sky and moon that hangs alone in the sky. I saw God's promise during one of my alone walk at the nearby park. The reassurance that God has given to me makes me realise once again that attachment to another person is more of a lust than love if I do not have a complete relationship with God.

I see a sinner self, the little one who is stressed by the dreams that I have not achieved.

X

The guy in my life.

There is a guy in my life. 

He speaks wisdom that I always deny. 

We used to jog together frequently. It all started by his body's red alarm. The readings on his sphygmomanometer are always an artificial heart attack to him. As soon as he reported them to his wife, the red figures would next be a news for the whole family. Every child of him has prayed hard to God. They know by heart of how much he means to them. 

That was why we jogged. 

Jogging seems a way to lower the figures showed on the sphygmomanometer, at least that is what he thinks.

We jogged as often as we could, sometimes after my class, sometimes after his work. I jogged with a purpose of keeping fit. He bought a new pair of running shoes for me. I chose the shoes. It was on sale. I knew by my heart that I would only let him to buy something that was on sale. 

I jogged very slow. Sometimes I could not keep up with his pace. I pushed myself to go forward, because the incentive of being like a stick man thin barbie doll was greater than my mental suffocation. We jogged together. 

The routine lasted long. It was long enough that on one occasion, I started to realise that I was no longer the on the same pace as him. I slowed down. We had to go together. 

I felt a little force pressed on my heart, water started to contaminate in my eyes. 

He said with exhaustion, "Elisa, you can go first".

I shook my head. The chemical compound called H2O nearly dripped down on my cheek. I held it back. 

There is a guy in my life. 

He pays for my everything that I can't pay for.

Thanks dad.

(Left to right: mum, brother, sister, sister, sister, dad

Behind the camera: Elisa)

Happy Father's Day:)

That little dream.

"What is your biggest fear?"

"Animals." 

No, I reckon I have more than one fear, the fear of being unsecured, abandoned. All these, I call them loneliness. 

The feeling of being away from the safest area, isolated by others. The feeling that makes you want to flee away from wherever to somewhere you call the safe paradise. 

I seek for securities whenever I go. I realise whenever I go jogging alone, I insist myself bringing that super flat yet bulky phone of mine on my hand. I always have it on my hand. It's the fear of losing contact with the big world in my phone that attaches my phone with my hand. I, therefore, end up jogging with the phone on my hand unchanging for more than 20 minutes. Whenever I feel like giving up, I will unlock my phone home screen and checking if there is any exciting notification. It is as if I'm consuming energy bar from my phone. Or to be exact, the little world in my phone. 

There are a lot of times, you (yes it's you) feel super awkward in a party or perhaps small group talk, you start to panic. Then, here comes your phone, the little world that you can participate in, and never feel awkward. You search your phone through any where. That instance when you recognise the familiar shape, you gentle take it out. Then, you find yourself swiping the phone screen.

Soon, you realise you have the contradicting feelings when you play your phone. You kind of want to pull yourself away from the phone but there is this invisible force that pulls you back, as if it whispers to you in a deep, calming voice - don't be scared, I'm here.

Yea, we always need someone, or something to accompany us. That's the reason why we are so desperately thinking of getting our true-one, hunting he or she like a hungry eager which is weary and has starved for 5 days. 

***

Yea, I wish there was someone to turn up to my face and whisper to me just like how my phone whispers to me,  

"Dear, don't be scared, I'm here."

***

Yea, that little dream. 

The Ugly Truth

"You have never enjoyed your life, living inside the box, you're so afraid of taking chances, how're you gonna reach the top?"

I haven't been updating my blog for a really long time. But trust me, there is always this little voice telling me, "Elisa, write something!", "Perhaps, you can write about today." Yes, I do, I had had 5 drafts with only 3 sentences. I question myself if I'm really capable in sharing out my blessed life through words in the unbounded world. Writing turns into a big back pack for me to hike the mountain of my life journey. I've fear of wearing it on my back, I'm terrified with telling people about the inner ugly side of me. 

Humans are always ugly.

Once I was walking on the street back to my flat. It was supposed to a street with busy human traffic. Because I was walking late night, there were only few pedestrians on the street, and a homeless. It was a windy night, everyone was covered with few layers of clothes, except the homeless. He had a bubble tea cup placing directly in front of him. The cup was quarterly filled with coins. 

I told myself, "give him something, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." I continued walking, I even walked passed him. I couldn't remember if I had prayed or not. But I did ask God for wisdom to share what had have in a sentence. I ended up being in a Chinese bread shop. I bought a bread (it was so expensive!), and I turned my way to the homeless. I gave the bread to him. 

"God bless you," he said. 

"Jesus loves you." I babbled.

He was holding a lit cigarette in between his index and middle fingers in the very next morning.

Humans are always ugly.

That's why, we need God.

A change.

There is a strong urge in my telling that I should write this down. I have to share it with whoever I love, regardless of genders.

I have been in a struggle of setting the boundaries between my opposite gender and I. 

It has been hard for me to make friends since I was young. It probably due to the fact that I always have a partner, perhaps, everyday friend by my side. I had never felt lonely. This mate of mine helped me a lot, in everywhere. I might have relied on her too much to the point where I might have unintentionally worshiped her. 

Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend till today. 

I start shifting my center of my life purpose to another. 

***

Knowing that separation is hard, I prayed to God. I pray when I'm alone. He has become a part of my life. He takes charge of my life. I need him in my life. 

***

The hardest thing to learn is to lay down my own decisions to the altar of God. It is hard. It is really hard.

I have gotten this addiction of worshiping money last year, or perhaps, many years ago. I liked the sense of buying new clothes. I liked being called fashionable. I liked being the centre of the attention. It was true enough that I had become an attention seeker. I seek for love everywhere from everyone. 

I used to be a low self esteem person who couldn't look into others' eyes when they spoke. I felt insecured. I thought I was a low class person. As I gradually changed my behaviour and the inner side of myself, I started to be more outgoing. Perhaps, this is the reason why you have known me as a person who is joyous and who laughs and makes people fall into the world of happiness. I tried to make tonnes of jokes in the early stage of my changing life. This further transformed me to who I'm today, the one that does silly things to make people laugh without knowing how silly I have gone. 

They call it humorous. 

Every happy story has a scare on the main character. We know that in our heart. We have scare in our life. We dare not tell.

***

I am scared of being not loved by people. I make myself more available to others. I love locking others' eyes in my eyes, as if I know their future, I know what they want, I know their desires, I know what are burried down inside their hearts. I love the feelings of it. 

Little did I know, it was actually an adultery.

Engaging people by locking their eyes in mine has become the most powerful way of me locking their hearts (well, at least, that's what I thought). It is awful.

It is really awful.

***

Today, I, tell myself, and I tell God that I will, bow down, and let him take away my shameful heart, my adultery behavior. 

Prayer:

Lord, there's no way I could control myself anymore, it's all your authority. I love writing, I love telling people about how much you have done for me. I want to commit myself, my heart, and my behavior to you. Everything I say will be your will. Everything I do, I will do with you. Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have changes again and again. Humble me in your words, humble me to serve the people around me knowing that my body is yours, not any guys' not anyone's. I will serve you wholeheartedly, with all my mind, my soul and my heart. 

In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

I need God.

I'm starting to like what I'm studying. 

Talents have not been showing up for a while since I started my holidays months ago. I'm now feeling exciting to face the work load that will be given. I'm a bit crazy, ain't me? 

Reading the book that my university gave each of us student on the day of degree information, I find myself being attracted to the book more and more. I feel connected to the career that I want to have. I find a piece of my flower land. I can never put off my dream of having a clothing shop. I can't stop chasing the dream of mine for being a fashion designer. I know time is chasing me, but I know there's a way to win the race. 

Dreaming is such a waste of time. Getting things done on time is a hard one. It can make us stumble and fall. But every time of getting up from the fall is another step closer to the gate named Success. That's why I try. That's why I even try. That's why I even make myself become stronger. 

I reemphasize to myself that I'm unique as a banana tree. In fact you have no idea why a banana tree, it's because a banana tree only bear fruits once in its life time. That's why I love banana fruit. As long as their is a goal, there's no way anything on this earth can stop you. It's true. So, we work for it. 

Sometimes when I see myself as the center of the universe, I stop having my thoughts going on and on in my brain. I stop. I always like to stay close with God. Yes, stay close with some One that's reliable. People will soon forget about you unless you remind them of yourself. Why not having God in your heart. That can be as genuine as possible. I'm here to say that I'm a sinner, I need God, and I'm a daughter of God. 

I often forget about my identity. I drive my dream without identity. It's kind of like driving a car without a license. Now you know how dangerous it could be. Often, I forget to bring my license. I forget how tsunami can hold human close to death. But there are more human crying for breaking up and not getting good grades. Give yourself some times and think about it. You are here reading my blog not because of accident or unplanned occurrence. It's planned. 

I don't mean that my writing can change your whole life, totally not. What I mean is that things can be as simple as you see, but there's actually a living God who plans everything. 

That's why I'm still here but not in the coffin. If your life has got nothing better to do, why do you even exist? You exist because of reasons. You need God to find out your reasons.

I know.

I need God. 

I Grow.

Yesterday I met my aunt in the airport. It was a tough one. I would tell you why. My phone has got not roaming. There was no WIFI in the airport, not even a single computer that I could reach WIFI. I panicked. I asked God, why did he do this to me, since I'd already experienced lots of ups and downs on that day. God provided me. I went to the public phone and realised I had no coins. I went to the Smith and saw there was SIM card selling. I was thrilled. I struggled with choosing the right SIM card, at the end, the seller told me there's WIFI in the airport. 

I went into the airport, but I still couldn't connect to the WIFI. I panicked again. I told you, it was tough. Then, I went into the Smith again and bought a candy to get changes in coins. I used that stupid, money cheater public phone. I could not reach my aunt. 

How should I find my aunt?

I prayed. Then I went into the airport. I was wandering around. God provided. I saw my aunt. I shouted and then I cried. That few minutes were the longest minutes I'd ever been through. I could promise. The moment when I was not even connected to anyone, in that situation. I had a trolley with two heavy luggage with me. God did a miracle. 

It has been 2 days since I stay in Australia. Yes, staying, at this moment of my life, I really hope that there would be a bunch of Malaysians appear in front of me. Or perhaps, my AUSMAT friends that I had never missed before, but now I do. I really miss them a lot. 

I wasn't having my brain with me this morning. I woke up early. I chose my twin's dress to wear. I looked into the mirror and I found my twin in the mirror. The nostalgic feeling filled the whole bathroom. I was swallow by the deep grief that I had. I started dropping tears. I wore the dress and walked to my University.

I'd done a lot of things today. 

I met a Nepal girl. She was very nice. I asked if she missed her family. She said yes. She told me she cried for 3 days. I wasn't shocked. I had a similar experience as her. We are family men. I think I would be a house-wife in the future. Not sure how I'll go. I just want my twin, at this moment. 

I thanked my aunt for everything she had done for me. She made me feel like there's hope for tomorrow. I really thank God for this aunt, an aunt that would not leave me alone in danger, but leave me to my friend for me to grow. 

I will grow strong.

I have planned to do many things tomorrow. I still can't bear with hearing my sister's voice. I can, but maybe my eyes can't. My eyes are as swollen as dumplings, I can tell you if you can't imagine. I hope I could stop crying one day. By the day, I would have known how to love God more. Because I might have kept Emily in my heart already that even if I may not see her, I still love her. That's how God's love works, isn't it? (Tears dropping out when I wrote this. )

I will grow stronger. 

I will grow stronger in God's words. I want to be rooted. I don't want to be attracted by the desires. I want the rules that shape me into a better me. God's rules do. 

I thank God for today, I thank God for yesterday, I thank God for everlasting life, I thank God for my AUSMAT friends whom I would never forget, I thank God for Emily. 

I thank God for life. (I smiled )

I took a selfie today! 

Separation

Being alone is the worst feeling ever.

I see people in different skin colour.  Some seem to be bonded with the other, while the other walking alone, or perhaps sitting alone. Loneliness fills in when you can’t find anyone to accompany. Loneliness is our best friend when we can’t find one.

It’s scary to be alone.

Things don’t change if you sit there by yourself and staring at different people around you. There’s no way for a spark in this dimension to have someone pops up in front of you and talk to you. We need connection.

I don’t know who to connect to.

WIFI connection for my phone seems so far away. I don’t give it a try anymore. I rest my mind in peace. I lay my mind down. It’s always good not to connect to anyone in your life. stare at my luggage and my back pack. I start to picture those things inside them being stolen by someone I don’t know. If by any chance my belongings are stolen, I’m gonna run and chase that man back. I’ll kick him and hit him. If only if I have the strength.

It’s good to have time to think about myself. Sometimes, I kind of being too immerse into the world that I involve in. I wonder what and how God thinks. Does he ever regret of making a human like me out? Does he think that I’ve gone too far away from him? Do I love Him more than loving myself?

I went to prayer meeting at my church last night. It wasn’t a fun one, but memorable. I’ll remember what I’ve done for the whole night. I kept trying to hold my breath and tears, in case it splits out from my mouth becoming a sigh and becoming waterfall that I am not able to turn it off. I had spent lots of time swallowing my saliva that caused by the whole nasal reacting system when I wanted to cry. Yes, I swallowed several times.

I can’t concentrate during the prayer meeting. Why did I even participate? I told myself that it was always good to turn to God whenever and for whatever. I turned to God. God knows me the most. He knows that I’m sad of leaving my twin alone in my home country. He knows that I worry a lot about her. He knows that we need to be detached from each other. He knows that time represents life. He knows that human like me needs him more than needing anyone. He knows that being a twin, I often place God as the 2^nd place in my heart, but my twin as the first. He knows that he is always the controller. I can’t bear things with my twin together. I can’t bear things with myself alone. I need God whenever, whatever and wherever.

Be hold to God, twin.

I cried in the end of the prayer meeting.

I don’t know why I even give in to the desire of letting out my tears. The moment when our friends, Rachel, asked everyone there to do a favour to pray about my twin and I, I lay my tears down. I can’t help crying. It’s as if the best medicine to turn a n-curve on my face to a u-curve. We cried together. Then we laughed.

It’s funny to have someone who looks like you to be a person that you always spend time with. One day, when God takes away one of us, I really have no idea what to do. I think by that time I’ll turn to God. (As I’m typing this, I literally cry on the chair I sat at the airport. I’m scared that everyone is looking at me. They must be wondering why I cry. ) It’s sad. The sadness may be like level of pain of couple being apart from each other. ( I’m not sure about this because I’ve never had a boy friend before. ) It’s as sharp as knife, as sad as the sinking of Titanic.

God provides.

Always will.

Elisa, read this when you're remorseful.

Sometimes, when I think about my future and my past, I feel restless.

It's as if there's an unplanned way for me to go. It's as dark as the night. I really have no idea where to head to. It's then until I have made a decision, a difficult one actually, then, I find a way out of the darkness. The decision is made without any big discussion. It's something that popped out in my mind one day, and my brain translated the information to my parents. They allowed it. There I go.

I wonder how many people out there studying Business like I do. At the least, I know some are doing property, finance and accounting. It's very devastating. I feel as if there is a wrecking ball hitting myself. You know, that kind of feeling that I can't have my feet stand on the ground. That's it! I feel the danger of competition. The little evil version of me keeps shouting inside my heart. All I hear is to be more hardworking, to fight, to win the competition.

I can't keep up with the fast pace that people around me have had. I want to get some rests, a real nice rest, the one that I can read tonnes of novels through the days and nights for years. It's impossible. I keep dreaming for being fed my my parents until the day God calls me home. But that's still impossible. That's why people want to be toddlers very much.

I don't want to be a toddler.

It's time to lay down everything to God. The moment when I think about God is the one who controls life and death. I lay out my breathe, a very long one. Every stone and weight in mind is taken away, and thrown into somewhere I will never go. At the moment, every thing seems so good and nice. It's the glory and creation of God that always amaze me. God has amazed me a lot, a lot.

I always forget how God has strengthened me.

December: Renewing faith

What's up!

I just woke up from my nap not realising the sky is going to turn black. My body was suffering to wake up from my bed. The desire was too strong.

I woke up thinking about my future. I rethought about who I was at the beginning of the year 2015. Now, it seems even nearer to my dream or I would say my future. Things are not getting better in my life as my thoughts are always not in parallel. What I strongly feel about is that God has planned a future for me and He will always guide me through. Here I realise I have not been praying hard.

I want to go jogging so badly, but my body can't manage to do it. I feel so tired. I think about my December and January too. I'm gonna stay in KL and work as a part timer. I first started applied for the job due to the pressure of needing money. I got a lot of money on my mind. I wish I had no money on my mind. When I was back to my hometown, I big remorseful feeling. I shouldn't have got that job, because family are more important than money. 

I have made a big decision, I prayed about it. I'm sure everything is under God's control. He made everything happened. I prayed for me having no money on my mind, but God still allowed me to get the job.

What I'm sure is that everything can be a learning process. I learn a lot throughout this job application. I wish that this Christmas can make me become more faithful in God. I hope you have the same hope too! 

Let's wake up with a faithful heart! 

X

Clothing

Clothing is a presentation of art. 

I really thank God for today that I'm able to do different things and I have experience his grace.

I thank God for giving me a job.

A job that suits my passion.

Fly like a Bird

I thought the most graceful thing in the world was having love with people around us.

Hi people. I just finished reading Where She Went, the book I wanted to read since last year, but I couldn't because it wasn't on stock. And after reading this, I felt a bit speechless, but I like the ending very much. In fact you don't know Where She Went is the second episode, while If I Stay is the first one. Reading different part of the story at different time, I felt different.

Not to be a spoiler of the book, I suggest if you have time, take a read of both books, you'll have different view on your life.

I have a little fear inside me.

I have had this fear since I was young. It has made all photos bad, because I didn't smile.

***

Struggling with lasting love has always been our problem, if your faith is not big enough. Fear makes yourself be yourself, but not to jump out of your comfort zone. You think it's okay to stay like usual, but it's not.

In this super technological era (even when we are in the toilet, we're still using our phones, playing COC or Whatsapping, and if your friend sent a message asking what you're doing, you say chatting but you're in the toilet doing something...), we focus too much on gadgets. Well, playing games, or connecting with friends, it seems to be like gadgets are doing the right things. But, hey, what about people who are in contact with you face to face instead of face to book? Have you forgotten them?

I once told myself to leave my phone uncharged on Saturday night, so that the following day, I could concentrate on what real life was about. Yes, I did it. And I'm doing it. I realise how weak we are, when we come to talking face to face with people. We are fear that our expression might ruin the whole conversation. We aren't aware that people around us need us, because we are getting less and less observant with our surroundings. We think of connecting people by using our phones, but, well, it doesn't turn out to be like that. And our connection with people are getting weaker and weaker. It defeat the purpose of a phone.

I have the fear to fail to communicate with people. I have. I know I have.

Every time comes to presentation in my English class, I hold back. My nerves react. My heart pumps very fast. I know I love doing public speaking, but it's a bit too scary when I'm unprepared or I actually tell myself to let it go. I doubt. I doubt. I doubt if my friends hate me because my English is poor and I'm not able to present well even though my heart pump have given me enough courage. I'm scared one day, I'll stop loving people because I have doubted too much. I'm scared to doubt.

And all I remind myself is that God is always the one who strengthens me and never leaves me alone. I know. I know, God will never stop loving me, because I'm still here, having time to love people around me. And yes, let's be sure that we will continue love people around us, like how God has loved us. Because we're loved.

Yes! There is still love which will last! Have faith, have faith.

X

Defining Love

Hey there!

Paris Love

I'm sort of lost in finding my own self. The year of 2015 gives me a real great impact on building who I'm. And I hardly believe that I'm who I'm right now.

Being silent, fearful had always been the words that couldn't be wrong to describe me. I hardly believe that I'm a little bit ( that's how I feel ) too, or perhaps, I'm too talkative. 

Throwing out my opinions is what I've been doing lately. Unlike years before this, I was struggling with interaction with people. Well, you could probably check out my 2013 blog posts. Those posts are all about complaining my own English level, and how desperate I wanna to have good English in order to raise out my own opinions when I was in the crowd. 

Well, I can say, I finally did it! 

Glory to the Lord, because I would never do anything without Him. Though I have had hard time ( almost all of the time, and I always show it on my face, if you notice ), I have the faith that I'm able to go through it with the strength of God. 

***

Yesterday, there was something fun going on. Well, I probably mean those CAT and ECCE students in my college. They had these selling roses and cookies booth at one of the college corner. I was being attracted to that booth, because they were selling my favourite flowers, roses. And this was really funny. They sold like 3 roses for RM 12 and 1 rose for RM 5. At first, I had this so called desire to buy 3 roses for myself. But then, I felt like there wasn't a need to buy 3 stalks of roses at once. ( In fact, if I really have bought them, I would probably use them for photography! ).

So, after I came back to my lovely resting house, I just realised that they were selling like a COMBO. And the COMBO didn't really sound good, because, since they were selling for people who wanna show their love to their truly and only love ones, there weren't supposed to be 3 stalks of them. Or else, they wanted people to send 3 of the roses to the same person. If you understand what I mean, just keep the joke to yourself. If you don't, well, ignore it! 

***

I had my super duper long piano lesson today. It was pretty good, as usual. My teacher was like so desperate wanted me to learn all the songs and kept telling me to practise those songs she had selected for me. And I'm like OKAY, I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT. I actually have learnt a lot of things from my piano lessons. Some philosophy, I would say. 

Oh yea. I also had this Christian Fellowship session in my college. I was an usher, by the way. Well, ushering time is really enjoyable and I've learnt a lot of things. Things that I'll never learn in my former school and things that I won't learn in my home, and things that I can't find in books. Ushering needs a lot of efforts. As an usher, smiling is just the basic. Well, probably you wanna people to feel like coming to CF is like coming home. Yeap, a smile does makes them feel welcomed! ( I guess )

Also, I have challenged myself to communicate more with people around me, because social skill is too important. Besides the fact that I'll sometimes tend to be careful of my English, I still manage to show that I'm not a mute. 

I guess, smiling is a show of love to everybody.

Give the love.

Receive the love.

Elisa X

Eyes still smile from cheeks

People say college life can be stressful, it can also be stressful.

Life is getting more and more colourful.

I find this statement so true to me. MCKL is a Christian college. I'm really grateful that I'm studying and spending one year of my life in this college. 

Well, it's not an emotional time now. So, yea. I think a lot, recently. My brain can't stop thinking. I think about how people interact with each other. How people really get resonance through some of the topics.

Smile. 

Credits to my professional photographer. 

I smile everyday, even to the college guards. I really respect the guards. Imagine you have to stand and walk around to a place again and again to make sure everyone is safe. I partially understand how they feel, because I felt this while protecting my group balloon from being popped in the camp. The adrenaline level in my blood increased and made me stayed in the condition of flight and fight. For the guards, they have to do that everyday. Salute! 

About how amazing things in the world have happened, I tell you, I encountered this. Brickfields street is where I always walk on, in order to go to my college. The mixture of touching, joy, fear and scared can really be seen on this road. 

On the first day of being a student in MCKL, my sis and I went to NU central from MCKL. Both of us really made the effort of going NU central just for a lunch. We had our bags on our shoulders, started all the way from MCKL. There were a lot of crossing roads, therefore, we tended to wait for the red man turned green. Well, there were this group of students from MCKL too. Well, red man turned green. All of us crossed the road. I was too selfish to see what happened in ( on? Haha English is too bad ) the surroundings. My sis crossed the road. But I couldn't find her. I looked and looked. Just realised she was with a guy!

A guy with a stick. He wasn't able to see clearly. At that point, I knew he was blessed to be the really physically unique one. So, I walked towards them. I asked Emily what had happened. Well, then I knew the guy was lost, couldn't get back to the blind organisation opposite my college. He was really lost. He just stood there and no one guided him. He is lost! Emily spoke English to him but he wasn't able to speak English fluently, but just two three words once. Thank God, sis and I speak Chinese. So, we switched. Yes, we got what he meant, because he spoke Chinese! 

We guided him back to the blind organization, through some really weird conversation. Funny thing was that sis did a lot of gestures to ask him where he wanted to go. I was like, HE CAN'T SEE, I spoke to myself in my heart, hoping that sis understand. Well, at last, we managed to send him back. This was a really good experience.

It's kind of cool how the physically blessed people ( like the guy ) have the bravery to walk without seeing anything. They have this little faith in their heart of which non of you who is reading this can fully understand. Well, this includes me too! The way the guy trusted my sis and I, I really salute. I can't really believe that how, people nowadays, can't really trust people around them, and yet this blessed fellow trusted us. In my heart, the guiltiness level rises, because I'm always too focused on my own, on what I want to do, on my life goals. 

We are born with different abilities. 

We are in different circumstances.

We have to help each other.

To be more united.

To share the love and joy.

Elisa Jean O

Refreshment

I just came back from my Youth Fellowship in church.

What I learnt today is that I have to have little time with God. Probably do devotion. Well, I have a little remorseful feeling in my heart. Tons of stress are being put on my shoulders, I barely get up and run to the goal of my life. This is so exhausted.

In church, I met new friends. Most of them are older than me, because I just upgraded my fellowship. All new faces with great big smiles, I smile to them too. Most of them are from University of Malaya and Masha. Well, I met my classmates too.

Imagine you are in a church where you have been growing up at. You were in this church when you were in primary school, secondary school and college. I'm pretty sure this position is a weird position. Being the new one in MYF ( Methodist Youth Fellowship ), I ain't scared of anything. It is just that the feeling is weird. I was a secretary during my MIW time, and now I'm the youngest in the same church of different fellowship. I can't help being quiet before the worship starts. Because during MIW time, I'm always the one who gives help to the ushers and does the cleaning up. I mean MIW and MYF are having the same place for gathering.

It's kind of mixture feeling of which I can't really write out in a proper and sequence way. I'm sorry for what I've just typed out.

I type when I feel lonely.

But I'm not lonely right now.

So, I decide to let myself to have a quiet time.

Typing all the words out, just to be like what I used to be.

I used to be a sad and melancholic person.

Then, now I realised, I've changed.

I'm too emotional but not melancholic.

Elisa

The one that got away.

Crazy thoughts with creative minds.

It has been a week since I was back to Malaysia from the Europe and the UK. What I can tell you after one week saying deep goodbye to the UK, is that I really miss the UK a lot. Really a lot.

Last Saturday, which was 3 days ago, I went to MYF ( Methodist Youth Fellowship). It was a fellowship. I was new there. My sister was also new there. Both my sister and I planned not to tell them that we were twins, let them guess who was older and all kind of stuff like that.

Sometimes, I can be a bit funny and naive.

Well, though it was in church, the youths seemed didn't know us ( we too, didn't really meet them before). It was because we seldom appeared in 8 o'clock Sunday service. Well, well, we still had fun time and learning time together. We shared some things. And yea, the guessing-twins idea really failed, because we literally wrote our birth date on the form.

Sometimes, I feel like I am a serious noob.

This sounds so wrong. Let me retell you again. What I mean is that I feel like I am a serious person while at the mean time, I'm a noob.

Smiling can actually kill someone.

Back from my holiday trip, I observed and really encountered how different things work out with different culture. The shop workers ( no matter what shop, it can be a restaurant, clothes shop or even super market ) would smile at you whenever you went in. And what I did was I smiled back.

While back to Malaysia, I went shopping with my mum and sisters. Those shops I went in, I didn't forcefully smile at them. It was so natural that I smiled to them first. Those who smiled back really made my days.

That's why, I saw the difference of Malaysia and the UK.

Receiving and giving love come so similar, yet some are by force, some are by natural.

Elisa

Late Life of Love

Life is short.

I'm quite sure what I have done this year. Certainly about what I passionate about. Playing guitar, piano and reading books. Other than that, I did revision on my studies, not to say everyday, but regularly. This year has been a year of mine craving knowledge. I can say I don't really give all my 2014 time to knowledge because most of my free time was used to being in social media. I'm sort of regretting what I have done, but I'm still spending my time on Twitter and Instagram.

I have just experienced two weeks of lovely time with my family. That was great. And I really hope that you, should spend some time, staring at something or sharing all you with your family. Your level of your family bond will slowly review. There you know, how much time you should invest on your family love. Because love doesn't exist without sharing and caring. Because love is all about sharing, caring and using your time just to love.

Lately I have been reading a book entitled A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks. It is a story about love. As most of you know, Nicholas Sparks writes couple love stories. Well, he slowly reviews the love of family, which he has successfully made me rethink about time and love. I really recommend you read his books.

About love, we see it spreading around the world. Give and receive are the only ways you feel the love.

Although Christmas Day passed, I would like to retell you that God loves you that He even gives His only child to save us from our sins and gives us eternal life.

Merry Late Christmas!

Elisa :)

Every Man Makes a Different

Hi there! So, it's like one weeek time till SPM ( a big exam of Certificate of Malaysia Education ). I'm pretty excited about the coming life. I would probably love to do part time job during my pre- U time. But it is not right to think and dream about it now. So, I'll stop myself. I just finished having my Sunday School in church. It was a new teacher teaching us today. I'm a bit amazed with my Sunday School teachers intelligence and perspective. They are amazing and they rock! Cool thing about it is that we had a discussion about Christ as a helping stick. If you are wondering what was that I'm gonna tell you now. To me, Chirst is not a helping stick but He is like oxygen, supplying everything to me. If you ask me whether being a Christian is easy or not, I would like to say NO. It's not really easy. Because being a Christian is meant to live a life of Christian. Like I have to do what Christians supposed to do. I don't mean to day I'm forced to be one. I'm telling how good I'm as a Christian. We, Christians, always have been people goodie goodie stereotype. It's true that a Christian is meant to do good things, help people, being able to sacrifice for people and love everyone. We don't curse people, we never being taught to hate people. So, if you have that stereotype towards Christians, it's okay. So, we do have that stereotype towards ourselves. Don't ever think that I'm a goodie goodie. I mean yes, maybe you think I'm a badie badie or a goodie goodie. That's not important. One important thing is that WE ARE HUMAN WHO HAVE SINS. Cool thing about me is that I'm trying my best to love people around me. If you think a badie badie, tell me how bad I'm and I will correct myself. I wanna to change myself becoming a goodie goodie. Who doesn't like being a goodie goodie? Telling me your stereotype towards me is a good thing to me. I wish you can like maybe comment on this post. Or if you have any problems or difficulties, perhaps you can tell me about it, or maybe not too detail, so that I can pray for you. Thanks!