Stopping addiction on Instagram

Many years have passed and yet I come back to this website and try to write something out. Today mark down my 4th day of temporary deleting my instagram account, and it wasn't very hard, but just instagram was really addictive and there is still an itch for me to spend some of time on my phone. 

I find it annoying that I have been playing instagram since I was 15, which was 10 years ago. I kind of not like the idea that I have committed myself to such a self-loathing social media for the past 10 years. I remember how I deleted my social media account when I was 19 years old but that was a failure. I jumped into a whole newly established instagram account that looks rather, instagramable.

I think the whole app has given me a new way of appreciating arts and designs. I have gotten myself into photography so intensely, by investing few thousands dollars just to fulfil my desire to be like the instagram community who were so talented in taking nice aesthetic photographs. I have come to realise that I have been damaged by the whole social media and constant engagement in all these apps that share about life and moments. There are sadly a bunch of community that support this lifestyle and happy to support each other egoism and liking each other because they want to make sure their self-esteems are not harmed. I start to think about why likes are so important and why I care so much about whether the persons that I think are important are paying attention to the moments that I have posted or not. I get so caught up in wanting the response from people and wanting an assurance from these people. Where do I gain confidence? 

There comes to a point where I realise no one ever will appreciate what is posted, and most of the times the application is just a marketing tool for more consumerism, more buying, more spending and demanding what the world can give. But the wants can never be fulfilled by all the materials.

I wonder whether I can continue on without social media, but I slowly find back who I am in God and how I should be as a child of God. It is possible in God's eyes because deep down I know God doesn't really think that I need instagram. And that is true. I don't need these applications to fulfil my everyday lifestyle. 

I hope that I do not cling on to another bad habit, but I can continue on be conscious about the time that I spend. 

Solitude in Bintulu

 I have spent nearly 20 days in Bintulu, with first week staying at my cousin's, second week with my elder sister and dad and the third week with dad and meeting some relatives. Throughout these few days, I have been working on my masters assignments, one after another. I also stop using Instagram for a few days from now. I finished reading a book by Cal Deport, namely "Digital Minimalism" this morning. 

First, I want to jot down how I could have the chance to speak to my cousin, whom I barely even talked to ever since I know what math is. We talked for more than 2.5 hours in a cafe. I regained insight of how an introvert thinks, and how there are still people like him who are still passionate about pursuing career, and seeking for possibilities in life. I wouldn't have reflected on this if not of this conversation. 

I enjoy the quietness in Bintulu, with just birds chirping outside in the morning, without the constant noise from TV or my dad's church's sermon. I realise there are just more to Instagram, more to just Facebook, more to just video call. There are more than just all these social media activities. I want to stop using those useless Facebook feed activities or watching my friends' instagram stories, and being envious about their lives. 

It is a day to remember who Jesus is, and why he is here, with us today. Many times, I just ignore how Jesus has died on the cross, and never remember how I should watch out how I talk (only praise the Lord with my lips). There are just too much to be learned, too much to be known, to much to be humbled and receive wisdom from the Lord. 

Being alone and rest my brain from any inputs of media is good. I am trying hard to stop the addiction of social media. The Lord will help. 

the start of that economics.

just finished watching another youtube video. watching youtube video is my guilty pleasure. 

i thought back and reflected on what i have been doing for the past few years, for what i have been working hard on, and what i might be pursuing in. i will never forget how my 2015 classmates told me that they could not afford for meals, and how their parents were not at home and how they had no choice but to choose for the cheapest meal option. they have a rich mind with a thin wallet. i was shocked by how much allowance they got that time. 

it was then i told myself that i had to study economics. 

along the way studying overseas, i got to talk to different kinds of people. i got to meet different kind of people. people around me are making me more eye opening than before. i remember studying this course called business society. all my business school friends hated it so much. but i surprisingly found more than tutorial and lecture in this course. i found philosophy. 

one solid theory that i had learnt was that, before industrial revolution, people looked up to you if you have a great job. they looked at your occupation and what you did as a living. today, not so much. people look at what you can buy, what you have gotten to make your living standards better. they look up to this kind of things. the more aesthetic things you have, the better you can be. 

for my time in australia, i have tried hard to listen to people. listening to what they have to say about their dreams, their pursue of career, their views on money, spending and earning. as i tried to learn more about how rich a person could be, i could never count how many times i've met homeless people on the street. they sleep everywhere. 

all of the sudden, i realise, it is not me who can do this, and rescue them, or giving them the hopes. but it is more than me giving out to them. it is to survive in this society, to grab the bread, to be competitive, to be aesthetic looking, to not be afraid of shame and failure. 

contradiction arrives when i start to see that sometimes the pie is too good to not be shared. it is too good that rarely anyone can ever share. it is hard to get the pie. 

now then, what can i do as an economics graduate who hardly keep myself survive in australia? 

pray and pray.

曾经沧海难为水，除却巫山不是云。

妹子到阿德一游。

文字还没死。

去年的今天，我还在忙着赶作业，那时的我想要越过考试的门槛。我对去年的事迹不是很清楚了。只记得每次年头回到马来西亚的时候，都会认识一些新朋友。然后不知觉的被称为我老妹的姐姐。

我没有什么沧海桑田，只是想把一切我想记录的东西都记录下来。我已经很久没有写了。当初15 年的时候就想停，理由和三年前停止的原因一样——不想把身边的人的事暴露出来。因为很多感情的泛滥，加上自己是一个 people person，所以我以前在每件大小事情上都显的很在意，都想把他们用文字表达出来。

很多人都鼓励我拍视频，因为这样更多人可以看到我想表达的思想。可是我都没有做，因为我觉得平面的世界就应该是平面的。我不喜欢把能够摸到、看到的都放在不能看到、摸到的地方。

也许就是在这个平平无奇的文字里面，我可以舒服的把我不敢说的写出来。

X

Love myself.

Sitting in front of the laptop again.

I have two assignments due in 3 days time. I am almost done with both of them. I enjoy studying as much as enjoying being alone and reminiscing.

Regular OCF session just ended and I walked home with my OCF friends. They are as lively and joyous as usual. Sometimes I have unspeakable feeling towards them. I feel tired, tired of presenting myself in front of everyone. I am tired of being a follower of Christ. Sometimes I just think about when can I be transformed into a new person, who has passion and fire to live for God, do whatever he has written.

We had an issue few days ago. It was about E-camp committee. I felt sorry for Elaine who wanted to serve in OCF. I felt sorry for God, who wanted to choose people that He has already chosen. I felt tired to be caught up in this difficult situation.

Elaine is a wonderful person who likes to know more about things that she doesn't know. A person who has got lots of questions. But at the same time, a person who focuses a lot on herself. I see a lot of myself in her. Isn't it that is what we always do? We put ourselves before anyone else, thinking that we are the best candidate for anything. We do it because we think that if we don't pick this duty up, there will be no suitable person.

On the other hand, I see Janniza, a girl whom I am always curious about. It is like she is unpredictable. She is extraordinary, not your typical Singaporean girl. She gives a lot. For the whole period of living with her, I learn more about her, about her lifestyle, her likes and dislikes, her super neat organisation for things and her patience for me. I have never in my life encountered such person. A person whom I have fear of but a person who loves me so much. She is truly a follower of Jesus. I have a lot of chats with people around me. I always heard this - Jann is quiet and a bit fierce, or Jann is very serious, she is not friendly. In my heart, there is always this very different perspective of her. She keeps things to herself but she shares. She is simple yet mysterious. It is so hard for me to describe her.

I am at this point of life discovering how things have been and how I should refix my eyes on Jesus. Always wondering if I am giving myself too much, wondering if I am loving myself too much.
X

The winter that rains.

It has been a while since I last wrote a blog post. 

It is coming to the end of Australia's winter. I felt that the time passes fast. I am half way through my bachelor degree. 

Being an international student is not easy. Accepting people entering my life and leaving are not something new to me. Sometimes I am numb with it. Some people are meant to be together. 

I could still remember how my ex-housemate moved to her new apartment without saying goodbye. She left me tearing in my bed silently (but yes, she was just too busy with moving house, we still love each other and talk). Some friendships build deeper than some others. 

I used to walk back from uni to home, alone in the darkness. I stayed somewhere nearer to uni that time. I loved and hated the feeling of walking alone. I always gazed at the sky, the sky that goes dark after 5PM. Jimmy, a senpai of mine used to tell me this, 'when you see the sky is pinkish colour at night, it is a sign that the night is going to be a rainy night'. The pink was the kind of pink that mixed with grey colour, a bit of red highlighting the sky. The beautiful thing always has an impressive prelude. 

How amazing that God has drawn a nice piece of art! All these while I have been watching the night alone, yes, with God.

I like it when the raining sound starts playing after I switch off my light at night. I will lie on my bed, make sure that every of my toe is covered with the thick bed sheet. I will keep quiet and close my eyes, listening to the rain dancing outside the house. I like it very much. There is a sense of peace and calmness in my heart, knowing that the house is strong enough to withstand the rain, that the wind will never blow through the balcony door, that I will sleep soundly and wake up feeling energised for the next day. 

Sometimes the rain dances until the dawn. They take a rest when I am awaken. I will turn my head and look at the clear balcony door of mine. The rain drops adhere themselves on the other side of the door. 

'They will go back to where they belong', I say it in my head.  

X

The kid.

Once again I found myself sitting in front of my laptop and tears rolling down on my cheeks while I was listening to the Christian songs.

It was just another tough day in winter. I had told myself too many times not to tear, but to be brave and strong. There was no time for tears and sadness. I was all alone in my tiny room.

The songs struck me too many times. Thinking about the meaning of the lyrics alone made me cry even harder.

__

I had told thousands times of my stories to my closed friends. I shared the bits and pieces of what I had done in my second job of my life. I was constantly in fear of making mistakes. It ain't playing, it ain't video games, it ain't studying. Working is being responsible to yourself, your employer, your colleague and the innocent customers. This is the second job that I got in my life.

Like many times, I hold a playful heart to work. With the deepest view of my heart, sometimes I see work as a kind of torture, like the punishment from God. Sometimes I see it as a blessing, a wonderful way to express serving in love. Different days have different views. Some days I live as if I have got no regrets.

__

6 years old kid. 

A future engineer, he said. 

I was sitting in front of a 6 years old kid on one of the ordinary but not so typical Friday night. I was in church, having dinner with fellow international students who were also Christians like me. The little kid was Jordan, probably my favourite guy currently in Australia. He was eating and his mum was by his side. I like how he could just mix together with us who were so much older. I was watching him all the time. My friend talked to him.

One thing struck my mind: I can't talk to kid. This is the biggest yet saddest issue I have right now. I remember reading 'The Little Prince'. It was one of the best literature I have ever read. There was a part where the little prince told the man who were repairing the plane that adults always quantify things. Adults use a lot of numbers.

I thought, I was just like one of the adults who talked about figures and always analysing the figures.

My normal start off conversation with kids goes like this:

Me: What is your name?

Kid: *his name*

Me: How old are you?

Kid: *Showed their fingers to represent their age*

Me: How many friends do you have?

Kid: *Showed me their fingers to represent the number of friends*

__

It is terrifying to talk to kids, because that makes me realise how deep the cuts in my hearts are. Their conversations always point me back to the reason I am on this earth. They remind me of the passion and love that I had when I was young. They retell me the story that I used to tell my dad when I was young. They dig out the original purpose that I have for everything that I do.

__

'So you are no longer slave, but God's child;
and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.'

 - Galatians 4:7

The Underage Thief

The last semester of my first year is ending. I am here, sitting in front of UniSA computer, wondering how much I have grown, how much I have learnt throughout the year of 2016. 

Life is just a classroom, everyday is like a battle. 

Today I realise that being too open about my intellectual property might be as dangerous as a baby holding a knife. It has a high tendency to harm others and myself. 

Different individuals chase different dreams. 

There are lots of realisation. I realise being active in sharing information is not a good thing. Eventually, you will think that the whole world knows you more than you know yourself. When I invite people into my life, I am opening the others' secrets without permission. 

It is then, I realise asking for permission is a courtesy. It is an act of politeness. The politeness that I would never understand.

***

I am young, bold and wild. 

I always mix up ignorance and arrogance. When I was younger, I thought they were the same meaning. But things appear alike do not mean they are the same. Everything is never as it seems. 

I steal.

I steal people's inner feelings. That is the reason why I love expressing my feelings, thoughts and knowledge. It is just like how the ancient market works. You trade your excess with others' excess. That is why I love Economics. I love trading, trading information that that people have, trying to analyse the value of the information, trying to earn something out of it. I call myself business minded. That is just a better saying of money minded. I laugh.

Grow. 

I wanted to talk about growth. I mean economic growth can sound equally exciting as personal growth. I then realise growth has the same meaning as development. Development sounds exciting? It sounds like building a high-rise. I guess, the developer must have had the same feeling as how a woman feels after giving birth to his first child. 

It is the development that we want to see from ourselves. 

The golden period that we were once in was a part of our memories. We try hard to make it happen again. That is why we are always busy during the days and nights. Relentless routine that we have got ourselves stuck in. I like how we like to run our lives like a guinea pig or a hamster running on the 2- pie-r (2πr) treadmills. Promising forever is a bullshit, everyone eventually has that last breathe to catch. 

How much have I actually grown? 

I still express myself in the most genuine way. I still take people's intangible assets from their brains. They voluntarily open their brain boxes after hearing my persuasion. Then, I take their things out. I put them into my brains. 

I steal. 

Growing up doesn't sound fun. You learn to buy more lockers to lock up your brain. You learn to choose what to feel, when feeling is just like breathing. Remember that everyone has that last breathe to catch? Try choose not to breathe. 

X 

The Silent Sound.

I have that simple destiny to head off to. 

When it's like a bizarre, self help is never gonna help. 

I'm a Christian, reading the Bible everyday, knowing by brain that God is always looking after me. I used to read a lot of story books, trying to find social philosophy out of them. These days, watching YouTube is my hobby because it is as addictive as Pokemon Go. 

I always know what to do for everyday as I always have my daily planner telling me what to do for the day. The schedule I have had, have never changed since the past 2 years. I involve myself in church or 'Christian' events a lot. 

It has become a routine of mine, and a way of mine to serve God. I feel pressured every time I'm on the job. I know, I'm a Christian, have to have Christ-like characters. The pressure of being a soft spoken person, serving people regardless of their ethnicity and being able to help people whenever they are in need.

I'm not soft spoken, but I'm a big trumpet. I'm always judging people by how they look like, or they act, then I tell myself not to judge. I'm very 'sexist' when I'm helping people, because I'm scared being trapped in with guys. I'm reluctant to help people when I have planned to study efficiently for the whole day.

I'm selfish. 

I'm always depressed when I see people getting attention from someone, because I love being like the disco ball in a club, the shinny, shimmering, glittered light, the center of sight of everyone. I love captivating everyone into my that one and truly unique U-shape smile. I love drawing that kind of U-shape line on my face. 

I always seek for myself. That's what people nowadays called self-help. It's as if I'm trying to carry myself so that I will not touch the ground. 

I'm in the midst of letting go my pride, the pride that makes me feel low in self esteem, the pride that makes me think that God is my servant, I can command Him with prayers whenever I want, the pride that crowns me with ugliness and self-pitied character, the pride that always makes me feel disconnected with brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I'm laying down my pride, I write for Him, because He has given me the ability to type and write, because He has given me the opportunity to post it online, because He has given me abundant of things, because I'm always His no matter how many crowns and flowers I have or I have not received from the world. 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to god and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. ( James 4:7-10)

I tried too hard to be a Christian by taking step 1 to '0000 of steps. 

He does, I follow. Simple but complicated, slowly but too slow. Focus and trust. 

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a  brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. ( James 4:11)

Brothers and sisters are willing to help, we are together.

We have that simple destiny to head off to.

Poor // Rich

On the Google search tab, I typed 'dignity' and pressed the enter button on the key board. A tap sound was heard, the screen turned white.

Man Up, Thumb's Up. (Taken 2013)

I have done this more than 3 times. Ever since last year, I have heard 'dignity', read it on a random Facebook article and probably saw it on a creative ads. 

***

I have no idea how many friends of mine are suffering from financial burden. Yes, I'm talking about money, the one that we give someone to exchange something back. How much we have valued things with money. 

I grew up learning that dad work hard to make money to feed every single family member. I have always pictured the money being banked in by his company to his bank account, then he takes out the money and further divides it into more than 7 portions (yes, he owns cars!). I have always wondered how much he actually earns.

We used to go to Tesco during my high school time. I took grocery shopping as the most shameful shopping I had ever done on earth. But, thanked God, my friends, like me, they hardly even got out to be in Tesco, so there was no way I would encounter them. Yes, I was too social conscious. 

I would volunteer pushing the trolley, moving bags of fruits and milks into our big giant like SUV car. I always had that little disappointment whenever I went shopping with family. I always wished to have a big brother who could help my dad to do the man work. 

No, there would never be.

So, I 'man' up.

Because I couldn't stand looking an aged 50 plus years old man going grocery shopping with a whole gang of ladies and a baby boy, pushing trolley weighed more than he weighed. 

My father, my hero.

After 'man'-ing up, he would refuse my request. I guess, that was (is) how much he loved (loves) me. I would, then, insist on doing the heavy work. And, I always win.

***

I guess, that's why 'man'-ing up has become a part of my habit. Unlike other girls, I always stand up to do the heavy work. 

***

Once I was in my tutorial class for this subject called 'Business and Society' (B&S). My tutor wanted to use the white background curtain like screen (the one that LCD is projected on, I can't remember what it is called). It was rolled up, and she couldn't reach to pull it down. Because it was B&S, it was supposed to be 25 students, but there were only 2 girls (including myself) and a guy. When she was about to pull a chair with her and planned to stand on it, I had this thought. 

I could stand on the chair and help her pull that down.

I couldn't. I was wearing short skirt.

I helplessly sat at where I was. My eyes witnessed the whole progress. 

***

So, what's dignity?

Twin >> 5 Things that We've Learnt From The Separation

Life is full of wonders and amazing adventure. 

There was this idea popped out from my mind. I wanted to do a collaboration with my twin. I sent her this topic: 5 things that you've learnt from being separated from me. She agreed to do it with me! Here we go! 

Emily

1) Having more interaction with peers

I used to always relying on my twin and rarely engaging with the others. I started to make friends with people in my course, be more engaged in their lives. I'm now having my own gang of friends. 

Elisa

1. Friends are important.

There are times when I have no idea who to turn to when I face every day problem. A message back to my twin does not always get instant response. Friends, who are on the same piece of land as me are more responsive? Most of the time I'm probably hanging out with friend at the moment.

Emily

2) Accept things are to be faced alone

The presence of my twin has always been a barrier for me to be independent and face the reality by myself. It's struggle for me to cope with everyday life alone, it is so strange. 

Elisa

2. Realising that I still have a lot to learn.

Emily was always the one who did the cleaning up for our room, while I did the laundry. The separation set me to be more accountable with the setting of my room. And I found out that laundry was never a problem of mine even if I had to do it on my own.

Emily

3) Being able to drive alone around City centre

My twin used to being with me all the time I drove, especially going to the city centre. All this while, I started to explore new routes to go home from school. It's scary but I managed to get home early!

Elisa

3. Selfie camera is finally useful.

There was always my twin who helped me to take photos (even when I was reluctant to be in the photo). I critised those who took selfie as people who were lonely and needed the social media attention very much. And yes, now, when I take selfie, I crave for someone to be by my side, or at least, take random pic of mine.

Emily

4) Waking up in the morning by my own

I was always waken up by my twin! She was like my alarm. Nowadays, I always set alarm clock in my phone. I get up super early everyday and never miss any of my class. What's more, I get to do my 20 to 30 minutes devotion every morning. 

Elisa

4. I'm, afterall, not that special.

Growing up being known as a twin was a grant from God. Everyone would have that odd or envious look when we met them. I used to promise Emily that I wouldn't reveal my twin identity to whoever I meet here. But now, I am a loud speaker who always declares myself as a twin even if people have no interest in who I am.

Emily

5) Everyone is lonely and we all need people

I always wanted to have my own time, in other words, I was very selfish to spend time with others because I thought we all needed to enjoy the loneliness. But now, I feel what loneliness really means. It means you don't have anybody else to stick with and indeed absolute freedom is given. 

Elisa

5. I can live without anyone. 

The first few days of separation were hard for me. It was as if I got one side of my lung cut off from my body. Breathing, walking, studying, practically everything was hard. Eventually, the Bible, prayers and God have become real God in my life. I learnt that God is the only one who will never leave me.

***

Upholding to God has become what that we really focus on. 

To be loved, as to love.
X

Holding on

Holding tight to my belief has become a struggle when I'm constantly being distracted by the world around me. 

I hate how people always blame money or friends for the consequences that they bear. Being accountable to responsibilities and to yourself is no longer something that you can blame others for. I learn this through a hard time last year. I wept, I cried for empathy, I longed for little bit of love to be shared to me. 

You'll never get over it, unless you realise you're on your own. 

***

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

How much, we have been relying of others? 

We need relationships.

A change.

There is a strong urge in my telling that I should write this down. I have to share it with whoever I love, regardless of genders.

I have been in a struggle of setting the boundaries between my opposite gender and I. 

It has been hard for me to make friends since I was young. It probably due to the fact that I always have a partner, perhaps, everyday friend by my side. I had never felt lonely. This mate of mine helped me a lot, in everywhere. I might have relied on her too much to the point where I might have unintentionally worshiped her. 

Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend till today. 

I start shifting my center of my life purpose to another. 

***

Knowing that separation is hard, I prayed to God. I pray when I'm alone. He has become a part of my life. He takes charge of my life. I need him in my life. 

***

The hardest thing to learn is to lay down my own decisions to the altar of God. It is hard. It is really hard.

I have gotten this addiction of worshiping money last year, or perhaps, many years ago. I liked the sense of buying new clothes. I liked being called fashionable. I liked being the centre of the attention. It was true enough that I had become an attention seeker. I seek for love everywhere from everyone. 

I used to be a low self esteem person who couldn't look into others' eyes when they spoke. I felt insecured. I thought I was a low class person. As I gradually changed my behaviour and the inner side of myself, I started to be more outgoing. Perhaps, this is the reason why you have known me as a person who is joyous and who laughs and makes people fall into the world of happiness. I tried to make tonnes of jokes in the early stage of my changing life. This further transformed me to who I'm today, the one that does silly things to make people laugh without knowing how silly I have gone. 

They call it humorous. 

Every happy story has a scare on the main character. We know that in our heart. We have scare in our life. We dare not tell.

***

I am scared of being not loved by people. I make myself more available to others. I love locking others' eyes in my eyes, as if I know their future, I know what they want, I know their desires, I know what are burried down inside their hearts. I love the feelings of it. 

Little did I know, it was actually an adultery.

Engaging people by locking their eyes in mine has become the most powerful way of me locking their hearts (well, at least, that's what I thought). It is awful.

It is really awful.

***

Today, I, tell myself, and I tell God that I will, bow down, and let him take away my shameful heart, my adultery behavior. 

Prayer:

Lord, there's no way I could control myself anymore, it's all your authority. I love writing, I love telling people about how much you have done for me. I want to commit myself, my heart, and my behavior to you. Everything I say will be your will. Everything I do, I will do with you. Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have changes again and again. Humble me in your words, humble me to serve the people around me knowing that my body is yours, not any guys' not anyone's. I will serve you wholeheartedly, with all my mind, my soul and my heart. 

In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

Re: set

My identity was lost, but now it is found. 

Unlike the others, I feel strongly unprotected while studying abroad. Everyone tells me that I would be fine. Everyone says that studying abroad, means without the guidance of parents, has freed them from illogical rules and regulations. 

I, set more rules to myself than my parents setting for me. 

Being alone means that I have full authority towards my time. Whatever I desire, I can fulfill it whichever way. I ended up signing up for Easter Camp organised by Overseas Christian Fellowship SA.

I start to adapt the new environment. I start to take charge of myself, my action, my words, my behaviors, and my being. It is exhausting. I was a princess in my family, the one that only washes dishes and does laundry (you know, put the clothes into the washing machine). I considered myself doing house chores. 

I end up being a messy person here.

My mind is messed up with more than 10 tasks that I do everyday, my body parts work for different things at the same time, my bedroom is literally a translation of my mind. My minds are everywhere. 

It's not until I attended this camp, which I learnt to be more organised in my mind. 

It's not a joke, though people learn to love God more, or turn back to God, etc, I learnt to be more organised? 

I would never forget, I was telling the committee that I had no towel for showering. That embarrassing moment set me to a rigid mind. I was busily checking out what were inside my bags, and I couldn't sense any towel-like material in the bag. It was an awful experience. 

Glory to the Lord, E-Camp was full of amazingly helpful people, Ivy, especially, helped me throughout the whole post "reckless behavior" situation. I managed to get showers.

It was the next morning that I found myself being reckless again. 

I simply put my lanyard in one of the bags that I brought. I brought lots of bags (shame, I called myself a refugee), and the bags had lots of pockets. Imagine my lanyard was in one of the pockets, and I didn't expect myself had put it in that pocket. Bam! 10+ minutes in the morning was gone, because I couldn't find my lanyard. 

When I recklessly do something, and never think about the after effect, everything messes up. 

Sometimes, our minds would just follow what would be the best for the situation now, but forget of how a simple decision could be a tragedy in our lives. We might consider cutting down a short little time for God would not affect much of our lives.

I, did, regretted of what I had done. But I still did it on the next day. I ended up wasting 10 minutes of my life. Resetting my bad behaviours takes a long time. Resetting my reckless vision of love requires time. 

However.

I just heard the sound of shooting gun. 

I'm ready to run.

I Grow.

Yesterday I met my aunt in the airport. It was a tough one. I would tell you why. My phone has got not roaming. There was no WIFI in the airport, not even a single computer that I could reach WIFI. I panicked. I asked God, why did he do this to me, since I'd already experienced lots of ups and downs on that day. God provided me. I went to the public phone and realised I had no coins. I went to the Smith and saw there was SIM card selling. I was thrilled. I struggled with choosing the right SIM card, at the end, the seller told me there's WIFI in the airport. 

I went into the airport, but I still couldn't connect to the WIFI. I panicked again. I told you, it was tough. Then, I went into the Smith again and bought a candy to get changes in coins. I used that stupid, money cheater public phone. I could not reach my aunt. 

How should I find my aunt?

I prayed. Then I went into the airport. I was wandering around. God provided. I saw my aunt. I shouted and then I cried. That few minutes were the longest minutes I'd ever been through. I could promise. The moment when I was not even connected to anyone, in that situation. I had a trolley with two heavy luggage with me. God did a miracle. 

It has been 2 days since I stay in Australia. Yes, staying, at this moment of my life, I really hope that there would be a bunch of Malaysians appear in front of me. Or perhaps, my AUSMAT friends that I had never missed before, but now I do. I really miss them a lot. 

I wasn't having my brain with me this morning. I woke up early. I chose my twin's dress to wear. I looked into the mirror and I found my twin in the mirror. The nostalgic feeling filled the whole bathroom. I was swallow by the deep grief that I had. I started dropping tears. I wore the dress and walked to my University.

I'd done a lot of things today. 

I met a Nepal girl. She was very nice. I asked if she missed her family. She said yes. She told me she cried for 3 days. I wasn't shocked. I had a similar experience as her. We are family men. I think I would be a house-wife in the future. Not sure how I'll go. I just want my twin, at this moment. 

I thanked my aunt for everything she had done for me. She made me feel like there's hope for tomorrow. I really thank God for this aunt, an aunt that would not leave me alone in danger, but leave me to my friend for me to grow. 

I will grow strong.

I have planned to do many things tomorrow. I still can't bear with hearing my sister's voice. I can, but maybe my eyes can't. My eyes are as swollen as dumplings, I can tell you if you can't imagine. I hope I could stop crying one day. By the day, I would have known how to love God more. Because I might have kept Emily in my heart already that even if I may not see her, I still love her. That's how God's love works, isn't it? (Tears dropping out when I wrote this. )

I will grow stronger. 

I will grow stronger in God's words. I want to be rooted. I don't want to be attracted by the desires. I want the rules that shape me into a better me. God's rules do. 

I thank God for today, I thank God for yesterday, I thank God for everlasting life, I thank God for my AUSMAT friends whom I would never forget, I thank God for Emily. 

I thank God for life. (I smiled )

I took a selfie today! 

Separation

Being alone is the worst feeling ever.

I see people in different skin colour.  Some seem to be bonded with the other, while the other walking alone, or perhaps sitting alone. Loneliness fills in when you can’t find anyone to accompany. Loneliness is our best friend when we can’t find one.

It’s scary to be alone.

Things don’t change if you sit there by yourself and staring at different people around you. There’s no way for a spark in this dimension to have someone pops up in front of you and talk to you. We need connection.

I don’t know who to connect to.

WIFI connection for my phone seems so far away. I don’t give it a try anymore. I rest my mind in peace. I lay my mind down. It’s always good not to connect to anyone in your life. stare at my luggage and my back pack. I start to picture those things inside them being stolen by someone I don’t know. If by any chance my belongings are stolen, I’m gonna run and chase that man back. I’ll kick him and hit him. If only if I have the strength.

It’s good to have time to think about myself. Sometimes, I kind of being too immerse into the world that I involve in. I wonder what and how God thinks. Does he ever regret of making a human like me out? Does he think that I’ve gone too far away from him? Do I love Him more than loving myself?

I went to prayer meeting at my church last night. It wasn’t a fun one, but memorable. I’ll remember what I’ve done for the whole night. I kept trying to hold my breath and tears, in case it splits out from my mouth becoming a sigh and becoming waterfall that I am not able to turn it off. I had spent lots of time swallowing my saliva that caused by the whole nasal reacting system when I wanted to cry. Yes, I swallowed several times.

I can’t concentrate during the prayer meeting. Why did I even participate? I told myself that it was always good to turn to God whenever and for whatever. I turned to God. God knows me the most. He knows that I’m sad of leaving my twin alone in my home country. He knows that I worry a lot about her. He knows that we need to be detached from each other. He knows that time represents life. He knows that human like me needs him more than needing anyone. He knows that being a twin, I often place God as the 2^nd place in my heart, but my twin as the first. He knows that he is always the controller. I can’t bear things with my twin together. I can’t bear things with myself alone. I need God whenever, whatever and wherever.

Be hold to God, twin.

I cried in the end of the prayer meeting.

I don’t know why I even give in to the desire of letting out my tears. The moment when our friends, Rachel, asked everyone there to do a favour to pray about my twin and I, I lay my tears down. I can’t help crying. It’s as if the best medicine to turn a n-curve on my face to a u-curve. We cried together. Then we laughed.

It’s funny to have someone who looks like you to be a person that you always spend time with. One day, when God takes away one of us, I really have no idea what to do. I think by that time I’ll turn to God. (As I’m typing this, I literally cry on the chair I sat at the airport. I’m scared that everyone is looking at me. They must be wondering why I cry. ) It’s sad. The sadness may be like level of pain of couple being apart from each other. ( I’m not sure about this because I’ve never had a boy friend before. ) It’s as sharp as knife, as sad as the sinking of Titanic.

God provides.

Always will.

FAQ: What am I studying?

It's just a few days away from the most thrilled day.

If you're my friends who are reading this, you might have known what this is all about. I'm heading to Aussie to further my studies.

A lot of people or friends have asked me about what I'm studying and where and when and... Let's get started with all the questions being answered!

HOW OLD AM I

I'm turning 19 this year. It will be my first birthday without my twin around me. That's exciting yet depressing. 

WHAT AM I STUDYING

I finished my "foundation" course last year 2015. I did commerce subjects and I struggled a lot. With the help of my genius friends and lecturers, I was able to get through the whole course. I'm now applying for my degree. My degree called Bachelor of Business ( Economics, Finance and Trade ). I really struggled in the subject Economics when I did my "foundation". But the more I have struggled, the more I want to challenge myself. That's why I get Economics as my degree. 

WHERE AM I STUDYING

I will keep it as a secret about what Uni I'm going. But, it's an Australian University. I'll be in Australia in the period of less that 1 month.

WHY OVERSEAS

Yes, I got this questions a lot of times. It's because I did not even do research on Local's Unis about Economics degree or any other Commerce degrees. So, that's why my only option is overseas. 

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SEPARATED FROM MY TWIN

Depressing at first. But we are not so emotional like about out twin relationship. I guess, we won't be Skype-ing everyday. I think we won't even Skype. 

I'm very worried about about my twin on the other side. I'm just scared that her friends would take advantages of her. As my job is always stopping others to take advantages on her, what I can do right now is to pray that whoever have read this will not take advantages of her. I don't want my twin to be bullied. 

DON'T I FEEL SCARED TO STUDY IN AUSSIE ALONE

Yes, I do feel scared some times in a while. I feel more exciting than being scared. My dad said that was a big improvement since I've always cried whenever I couldn't see my twin sister. My dad always told me to be brave. I guess, this would be the bravest time ever. 

I'm really scared of being involved in drinking or things like that. Still, I know God is always here with me.

WHERE WILL I BE STAYING AT 

Cool. My place would be approximately 1 kilometers away from my campus. I guess, I will walk to my Uni or maybe do cycling!

WILL I CONTINUE BLOGGING

Yes, definitely! I will keep writing blogs to get my friends in Malaysia updated! I'm thinking about starting a fashion blog or fashion page or photography page. Pretty much something like that. I wish I could sharpen my photography skill for the next three years!

DO/WILL I MISS ANYONE 

Frankly speaking, I don't miss any of my friends for now. I'm sure I'll miss them in a later time! 

HAVE I DONE MY DRIVING LESSON

No! I understand the fact that my sister has already gotten hers but I haven't is a strangest thing you guys have ever heard before. But not! Even with this three months holidays, I still haven't gotten my license. Keep calm, I'll move on.

That's pretty much all about what would happen in February. 

Thanks for reading!

February!

I have spent my time in reading novels.

I am not sure if I'm doing the right things. I always feel being immersed in the context of the novels whenever I read them. The more I read, the more I find myself being taken away from Malaysia, into a piece of new land where everyone speaks English. 

I don't know why I love reading. I am scared that it is a desire, an irresistible desire. That scares me a lot, like a lot. Sometimes, I'll just tell myself to not touch the novels. I'm scared that I'll be polluted by the thoughts of the authors. That's my biggest fear when I read books. Never think that reading is a healthy activities, because not every book is healthy, not every book suits your religion.

There's always a fear swirling around my mind. I'm scared that one day, I am disconnected with God. I'm very scared of how much more desire traps that I'll be falling into. Or at least, how much traps I'll encounter. I think that's how Adam and Eve had felt once they sinned. They hid themselves, not wanting to let God know about what they had done. After all, I'm more like Adam, who was brave enough to tell God about what he had done. I don't want to be distracted by the desires. I don't know who on earth has the same problem as mine. I don't know if I'm the odd 19 year-old-girl who keeps thinking about what Satan will do to me. 

***

It's really great to look back what I have done last year. I feel old. 

I keep telling myself not to be like who I was, because I strongly need a change. A change that can change people around me. A change that can change my future. I didn't get good grades last year. I disappointed no one but myself. I seek for another life. I'm too excited about being in the first year of my degree. I can't wait to take the chance and explore. Things are too exciting. 

***

Yeap! Chinese New Year is around the corner. I'm pretty happy about meeting different kinds of people. I just want to have a holiday that everyone also has. I mean, who wants to be like me right now? My sister and I are having holidays, but no one else in the house has! 

Thanks for reading my mind, I really appreciate that!

Why a fashion designer?

Things are getting more interesting in my life. 

It's only the third day of the year, I have already written two blog posts. I don't know how I will continue this blog. The plan of closing down is blog is in my head. I have allocated too much time on writing blog instead of doing other stuff. Is writing this blog a waste of time?

I find myself loving the feeling of reading. Reading makes me rethink about myself. It's a really exhausting non physical activity. If a person constantly reads, she might not be able to live a life. I'm currently into this type of situation. I find it easier to just immerse myself into the world of words instead of the world of humans. Is that an obsession? Obsession can lead to a serious problem. People might not pay attention to other things any more. What they do will be plainly focusing on what they obsessed with. Yes, in my condition, I think it's too pitiful for me to be obsessed with things like that.

***

Tell you a little testimony. It's a testimony of God shaping my character and my mind. You might find it a bit ridiculous, but bear with this testimony.

People who know me since I was young know that I have this little dream, which is becoming a fashion designer. It's easier to say than to be. As all of us know that fashion designer means to be popular, even more popular than the models. Popularity was what I looked for. No one knew that was my only purpose of being a fashion designer. Like other teens, I opted to have a prosperous life. A life that shines. I wanted a life like Taylor Swift who has her own shoes product line, I wanted a life like Gisele Bunche who engages with many brands and eventually comes out with her own shoe line too. I want to be like Coco Channel who changed the whole fashion industry until today. I wanted to be famous. I wanted the world knew about my name. 

I won't.

I was struggling with my parents when we discussed about my carrier path. They strongly disagreed with it. I knew why, but I stood still on my own position. 

That was when I knew how important my parents have been in my life. A life without them is a life that I can't even imagine. It would be totally a mess, a mess that I couldn't even think about it. 

I didn't change my ambition immediately. I stopped caring about it. And here comes my life path to a very 'business' one. I'm not sure is this a correct one, but I once told myself that I would do everything that's favourable in God. 

I stop seeking for popularity.
X

New Day

Humans always live in regrets. 

I often give myself a remark on what and how I have done. It's true that I keep on watching myself making mistakes, being silly. I have lots of thoughts that I want to share. I always think out loud. 

I asked myself, what's my new year resolution? I find myself being lazy to even think about one or two. After all, I have experienced lots of comments that I have given to myself. I know that correcting or giving myself a new year resolution are never enough to even make me become a better person. A new year resolution? I would say yes, everyday resolution is better. 

How much time does all of us spend on doing things that we are not supposed to do? How much time do we actually care about people around us? How much time do we use to love ourselves? Are we spending too much time on loving ourselves instead of the others? 

What's your new year resolution?

***

I got myself a new hair cut last Sunday. I found it very funny, I literally laughed at myself in front of the mirror. What could be worse than having a bad hair cut? Feeling good about myself is even worse, I would say. I reflect to myself. I find myself being too boastful about how I look or even what I'm studying. Things that I have done have not been better after all! It's always not too late to realise I'm not perfect, I'm very weak. 

I have these thoughts are all because of my results. My results was out 3 days ago. I was astonished by it! I never thought I would get such results. It was below my expectation. I didn't cry about it, but I thank God that at least everything I did last year was blessings from God. I thank God. 

I didn't pay much attention to my studies last year. I promise myself to use my time wisely this year. Perhaps, I should start today. Things might get better. 

I have lots of new year a.k.a. everyday resolutions. I wrote down in a list of an A4 paper. Those things are pretty pressuring. I have to get those things done and I have to keep in mind of all of them! I have one bible verse as my 2016 year's topic. I'm going to live with this verse for the whole year. Dissecting the list that I have written, I have every resolution with a verse. The resolution is not like what I used to write. This time, I get a more flexible and abstract one for myself. 

I don't know if anyone would read my blog. I strongly recommend you to really start every day like how you start every year. The enthusiasm and sophisticated feelings should always be in everyday! 

Let's live every day to the fullest!