It is the first day of 2019.

I am lying on bed. I woke up early today, few minutes before 8. I slept around 3 last night. I was having a call with my old friend. We chatted a lot, shared about how tough each of our lives were and probably are.

I have intense thoughts in my mind. They are part of me, and it is hard to take them away. I thought about life after graduating, I thought about being abandoned by my "implied" boyfriend, I thought about going back to Malaysia.

I thought about what God wanted me to do. I asked myself what were all the motives of doing everything that I was doing, was it for the money, was it for a happier life or was it for my lust to continue?

Every relationship is like a play dough, different colours of play dough. It depends of how much we want to mould, and depends on how many colours we want to mix together. There are times when you accidentally mix the colours up and then you can never unmix them. When we push the boundary further, it can never …

the dirtiest girl.

It wasn't the first time I have been in a position where I find myself conflicting with myself.

Credit to: Emily (insta: @emilyppeace)

I am not sure if you have ever felt the same way before. It was a torn apart feeling, like you don't know if you are currently a wonderwoman or you are a cinderella. 
Basically I "suffer" from this thing called ladylike
When I was 11, I moved to a big city from a small undeveloped town. It wasn't a good feeling at that time, but I was grateful for the move. I finally opened my eyes and saw how different ones' life can be. We used to do cycling when on the evening and play badminton even before the sun was set. We did two sports back to back. I remembered cycling too fast that emergency break couldn't work, I found myself and my bike stucked between the big longkang, and got myself wounded here and there. 
Moving to city opened my mind. Seeing how people have living more comfortably and ettiquette was a new thing to m…

At night, Alone.

At Night, Alone.
The sky was light purple tinted mixed with light grey colour. We paced ourselves nicely and chatted about career, interviews and study plan. It was a relief for her this week. I salute for organised people who know how to plan their everyday life. It is as if they have never left something behind, all the boxes drawn on the sticky note are ticked. 
We separated at the traffic light. We shouted 'get home safely' to each other while we parted to respective ways. I reminded myself 'I need to get home as soon as possible'. After crossing the road and tram route, two guards sitting in the middle of the road. I had to walk pass them in order to get home. 
As I stepped forward, they shouted and told me I had to walk around the square. The square is like a round about in the middle of the road, except that it is a square and it is twice as big as the normal round about. I sighed. 
I walked on the tram line, tears started to drip down. This year has been the m…


Sometimes I find it good to rest in my little bedroom, organising whatever that are in my mind. 2017 has been a year that is full of different stories. Tears of every kinds make this year an epic year.

I always hope that one day my life can be changed and I can be another person. I wish to be the people that I have looked up to. I wish to live like how they have lived. I have always complained about how insufficient I am in receiving blessing from God. I always fail to see the beauty of God's plan.

Weeks ago, my church here in Adelaide has had a missionary visiting us. She is Maggie and she talked about how she has become a missionary. She said that prayer is the scariest thing to do. It reveals things that you do not want to hear. Truly, we are often committing ourselves in doing things that we want for ourselves, we forget to see the bigger picture. We give ourselves more and more reasons of not following what God has taught us, holding on to the self that we have always been. I…

The Asian job.

Never underestimate oneself. Their potentials and possibilities might be beyond what you can comprehend. 
We have heard a lot about this kind of motivational quote. It might be because of this, we dare to chase what we dare not to chase. We have planted a little seed inside our hearts and water it with passion, hard work, positivity and nurture it with Words of wisdom, be it from God or human. 
I quit my job recently. That was my 2nd job in my life. My friend recommended me this job as she is working there. Thank God for her, I got this job, serving as a waitress in the restaurant. 
It was a jolly experience when I went for the work trial. I was happy and enjoyed what I was doing. I asked a lot of questions, of how to do this and that. It was the first day that I learnt about their work culture, the restaurant culture, of how they run the business efficiently by following several organised systems. It was a lot about communicating in between the kitchen, bar and the floor staff. 

Love myself.

Sitting in front of the laptop again.

I have two assignments due in 3 days time. I am almost done with both of them. I enjoy studying as much as enjoying being alone and reminiscing.

Regular OCF session just ended and I walked home with my OCF friends. They are as lively and joyous as usual. Sometimes I have unspeakable feeling towards them. I feel tired, tired of presenting myself in front of everyone. I am tired of being a follower of Christ. Sometimes I just think about when can I be transformed into a new person, who has passion and fire to live for God, do whatever he has written.

We had an issue few days ago. It was about E-camp committee. I felt sorry for Elaine who wanted to serve in OCF. I felt sorry for God, who wanted to choose people that He has already chosen. I felt tired to be caught up in this difficult situation.

Elaine is a wonderful person who likes to know more about things that she doesn't know. A person who has got lots of questions. But at the same time, a p…

The winter that rains.

It has been a while since I last wrote a blog post. 
It is coming to the end of Australia's winter. I felt that the time passes fast. I am half way through my bachelor degree. 
Being an international student is not easy. Accepting people entering my life and leaving are not something new to me. Sometimes I am numb with it. Some people are meant to be together. 
I could still remember how my ex-housemate moved to her new apartment without saying goodbye. She left me tearing in my bed silently (but yes, she was just too busy with moving house, we still love each other and talk). Some friendships build deeper than some others. 
I used to walk back from uni to home, alone in the darkness. I stayed somewhere nearer to uni that time. I loved and hated the feeling of walking alone. I always gazed at the sky, the sky that goes dark after 5PM. Jimmy, a senpai of mine used to tell me this, 'when you see the sky is pinkish colour at night, it is a sign that the night is going to be a ra…