Wednesday, June 22, 2022

I hate meat, just like how much I here myself.

 Another time of feeling down, not achieving things, and disappointment.

I was feeling quite vomitted from keeping the meat away. I don't really like meat. I doubt again, whether I'm weird, to not be liking meat. 

I thought about what have happened. The thought of me being such an open person, and able to absorb anyone's ideas and being so agreeable have made me want to puke on myself too. Like how I see the meat. 

Few days before the retreat trip, I'm feeling sick of myself. I can already forsee, how disappointed I will be in a group setting. How I will be the most useless person in the group. And how I will make stupid joke or spreading weird ambience for people to be unable to enjoy the trip. I want to be agreeable yet I don't like that kind of self. 

I try to accept who I am. But I'm not accepting. For so long, I have been trying to improve and improve. Yet I'm tired now. What should I do? If I am not progressing in different aspects, I will hate myself. 

Thoughts like this come and go every once in a while. I feel like crying again. I shouldn't be sad since I have a job, a house to live, a car to drive, clothes to wear. 

What should I do with myself?