Beauty

I can still remember the dreams that I wanted to achieve when I was just a high school student.

It was kind of weird that dreams change according to time. The older I grow, the more I realise about what to do in my life. Realisation often changes the way I act and the way I live. It makes me feel even older than who I am right now.

A photo a post, keep reader awake. 

A lot of time, I am told to be bold and be brave. It is a hardship of mine. Back to my English inefficiency problem which I face lately makes me even dull. I always show up the emotional face, or you can say that super stressful look. It is partly due to my English. I challenge myself to watch Youtube video. I watched different Youtubers' channels. They are some from England, mostly are American, there are also some from Australia. Besides listening to different accents of English, I also make a lot of effort of listening to the lyrics of different types of music. I admit this one is more like my hobby than listening to different accents. Music is a decoration of language. Or language is a decoration of music? I guess they are both interconnected and they stand on their own.

Reading the lyrics makes me understand how English work. But sometimes, it is very risky learning English from the lyrics, because there are lots of possibilities having wrong grammar in the songs. Anyway, I still think it is a good way to learn English. But no matter how much I try, I'm still a loser in English.

I often ask myself this question: why do I have the ability to speak chinese? I blame a lot on knowing too many languages making me a dump in English. Sometimes, I just spend like 10 minutes laughing at my poor English. I wish one day I could gain the real happiness from knowing English. I hate my disability.

Sometimes, I feel so low in self esteem when comes to dressing up myself. I know I sound so childish here. To me, it's just a shame of mine not knowing how to combine different colours. Investigating designs and fabric has always been my hobby too. And I feel like I'm not good in combining designs and colours. It's such a contrast that I spend super long time on this thing, and I fail to achieve what I set for myself. That kind of feeling makes me want to thank God more than hating myself. I'm serious.

I read a lot of articles about how people who are disable are able to do something they seems like can't. I thank God for giving this chance to even write out this blog of mine in English. I thank God for whoever created blogger. I thank God that he knows me more than anyone else. Because I'm such a proud girl who thinks her math has reached the highest point, and a simple question came out in one of the test set her to fall down from the upper most of the mountain. I thank God that I know a lot of teachers because of my love asking question nature in me. Probably you can see me calling lots of people ( especially in church) teachers. And lots of people wonder how on earth my teachers are my teachers. I thank God for my disabilities that I can never be proud outside and constantly ask for God's help internally.

I know one day, I might meet important people in my life who can help me out in English. Who knows what God's plan is? Glory to the Lord.

It is a beauty of disability. 

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