Judgement

Today is a Saturday. 

Saturday is always a great day, but today is not the same. I have extra class at 12 till 4. And I have Praise and Worship practice in my church at 3.30. I don't know how to separate myself. I don't want to be not committed. Such a hard decision to make. Sometimes, I have this don't- want- to- go- anywhere thinking. I don't feel like doing any things. It's so hectic. I don't know why I've taken up so many burden, and yet, I'm here, being like a crazy.

I thank God for giving me opportunity to go for yesterday's Award Day in my high school. I've never thought of having that award. It marked down the last page of my high school life. I  tell myself, not to look back, look forward. Live for today, think for tomorrow. 

I bought a new book on Wednesday. Bad thing about it is that I feel like reading this book right now. But I don't have time. I can tell you, for the past few months, I've been doing stupid stuff. I'm being honest here, like going out with friends, and buying lots of Chatime, because temptation is so big. I've spent not only lots of money, I've spent too much time, chit chatting and doing nonsense. 

The guiltiness of mine hasn't made me to be disconnected with the temptation, but it seriously made my results dropped to the terrible standard. I don't mean any of my friends are bad influence, I just mean, I can't afford to spend too much time, because they are too awesome to talk to and that make me loose my interest in studies. 

I really thank God for what I have, especially my new found real Didi. I'm not going to write down anything about it, because, to me, sharing of love through social media doesn't really meet the requirement of real love. Oh Yea. This makes me think about how couples showing their loves through social media and gaining lots of likes and things like that. Yea. That's cool to show your love around the world, people can see the hope of having love. 

I thank God for everything, because when I think about how He will never give me something that I can't do. So, yea! Let's do this.

  

Dilemma

It is not hard to say goodbye.

I feel like I'm a geek in my friend gang. I lack of the fun and some more interests. I only know life and some stupid philosophy which people will never demand to know. I'm such a geek.

I'm taking consideration about the level of friends. I don't know the meaning of friends. A gang of people I love? A gang of people I care about? What else? Will the relationships stay long? Will it be forever? Is it everlasting?

Family are whom we depend on. I have no choice, but to know and understand each of my family member. I have to talk to them or perhaps comfort them when they have problems or depression. I thought family members are the closet to me, is that really true?

I keep thinking about questions. But there is no answer. Because I don't dare to ask. I can't figure out the answers. What does love mean to me? Am I mature enough to love people around me? Am I myself? Am I judging others by their looks? I really have no ideas.

I can't remember since when I have gotten into this identity crisis. I find no me in the current me. I know whoever is reading this will definitely find it difficult to understand what I'm trying to say. It's too complicated.

I thought I could just forget about the world, forget everyone, and then sleep soundly in a room, with not disturbance. But that could not be forever. How I wish, everyone was happy so that I could be happy and well, not wearing a smile, but giving a real smile.

I always think about people judging me or things like that. I know, this will eventually make me turn into a really depressing person. I don't want that! I never want to be melancholic again. I never want.  Never.

It's so hard to say. It's so hard to choose. Choose to believe that they are not judging me. Choose to believe that they are real. Choose to believe that they love me the same as I do. Choose accept the truth.

When love is greater than other things.

It could be more than something.

Today is a Thursday. I'm half dead. Finished math test today and yeap, it was pretty hard. I'm estimating myself to get low marks. So, to make myself feel better, I keep telling myself it's over.

I got back home late because I was having choir practice for Christian Fellowship tomorrow. Guess what? It's Easter Rally! I ain't sure what rally means, but I know it means a lot, a lot.

***

Back to some serious and stupid questions for myself. I feel regretting now because I think I've made a wrong decision. A decision that will change my entire future life. Is it too late to make a change? I ain't sure. I really have no idea. I have this dilemma. I want to choose a future which I enjoy, but not a future full with regrets. Obviously, I'm in the regretting path way. Because I really want to be a fashion designer.

Okay. I understand that Malaysia is not a suitable place for this. But, I really have that though come across my mind, and I'm not willing to let it go. I want to go to a different place, build a different me, love different people. Most probably I want to learn something out of it. Life is too short to decide, but too long to regret.

Why do I regret? I have no idea.

***

I feel like jumping out off the time. I mean pulling myself out and placing myself back to the time when I was only 16. I want to get back that silly but innocent feeling. The Elisa that wouldn't think so much. The Elisa that will never exist any more.

I change is quite drastic. I don't know whether I'm getting this drastic change or the change that happens eventually. I want to learn a lot. But I'm not passionate with them. What shall I do?

I thought back to what I'd done in my last year time. I feel like I'm now a new me. However, still living in a worrying and emotional life. The whole external is changing, the internal is renewing but in the same way.

Fly like a Bird

I thought the most graceful thing in the world was having love with people around us.

Hi people. I just finished reading Where She Went, the book I wanted to read since last year, but I couldn't because it wasn't on stock. And after reading this, I felt a bit speechless, but I like the ending very much. In fact you don't know Where She Went is the second episode, while If I Stay is the first one. Reading different part of the story at different time, I felt different.

Not to be a spoiler of the book, I suggest if you have time, take a read of both books, you'll have different view on your life.

I have a little fear inside me.

I have had this fear since I was young. It has made all photos bad, because I didn't smile.

***

Struggling with lasting love has always been our problem, if your faith is not big enough. Fear makes yourself be yourself, but not to jump out of your comfort zone. You think it's okay to stay like usual, but it's not.

In this super technological era (even when we are in the toilet, we're still using our phones, playing COC or Whatsapping, and if your friend sent a message asking what you're doing, you say chatting but you're in the toilet doing something...), we focus too much on gadgets. Well, playing games, or connecting with friends, it seems to be like gadgets are doing the right things. But, hey, what about people who are in contact with you face to face instead of face to book? Have you forgotten them?

I once told myself to leave my phone uncharged on Saturday night, so that the following day, I could concentrate on what real life was about. Yes, I did it. And I'm doing it. I realise how weak we are, when we come to talking face to face with people. We are fear that our expression might ruin the whole conversation. We aren't aware that people around us need us, because we are getting less and less observant with our surroundings. We think of connecting people by using our phones, but, well, it doesn't turn out to be like that. And our connection with people are getting weaker and weaker. It defeat the purpose of a phone.

I have the fear to fail to communicate with people. I have. I know I have.

Every time comes to presentation in my English class, I hold back. My nerves react. My heart pumps very fast. I know I love doing public speaking, but it's a bit too scary when I'm unprepared or I actually tell myself to let it go. I doubt. I doubt. I doubt if my friends hate me because my English is poor and I'm not able to present well even though my heart pump have given me enough courage. I'm scared one day, I'll stop loving people because I have doubted too much. I'm scared to doubt.

And all I remind myself is that God is always the one who strengthens me and never leaves me alone. I know. I know, God will never stop loving me, because I'm still here, having time to love people around me. And yes, let's be sure that we will continue love people around us, like how God has loved us. Because we're loved.

Yes! There is still love which will last! Have faith, have faith.

X

Contrast

Not to mention how sad I was with my studies and especially my English. I'm so desperate to learn all the vocabs and the way of writing and also speaking English, due to my own discrimination to myself. I know that's weird, but I just feel like I still have a lot more to go before I can say I'm able to speak English.

I was a bit down last week, because I had that sudden feel of being abandoned by the world. Or I could say I was too upset about the world because of what I had seen. I kept thinking about the fact that human were always judgmental and they judged by look. Or even by their voice.

I was in to the break down, I mean I really had few drops of tears when I laid out my feelings to my lovely bro. All I could think about was that one day people would get old, the colour of prettiness would fade. I was afraid.

Until then I realised there was a Good Friday. I went back to my high school and was being in a part of the Christian Fellowship in my high school. I felt old, and at the same time, I felt young. It was a place where I created my 5 years memories, where I spent most of my teenage time. I hate it when I say teenage, because when I was in my high school, I didn't do anything that a normal teenage would do, because I was too nerdy. And teenage sounds a bit bad and naughty. Well, entitle myself a nerdy will maybe draw a smile on my face.

Once again I rethought about how God has loved us, sent His one and only son to us, and died for our sins. I know it is an ordinary fact but it is a fact of love, a special love.

I thought I would end up lying on my bed and think about life or something else like that for the whole week end. Instead of that, I spent my Saturday morning with my family to the shopping mall. I bought 3 English books. Sadly, they are all chessy stories, I can say. Unlike what my sister bought, I was way too much into emotion. In fact you are wondering what did my sis buy, she bought a Dummies for Math. Then, you see, how ironic a pair of twins can be. That's the truth.

Saturday evening was a complete enjoyable session. I went to choir practice. Though I knew I sang nothing like a bird nor like Adele, but choir in church was a praising to God, not for the seek for people to praise how well I sang. So yea, I tried my very best to sing. Glory to the Lord.

Today is a lovely day. I woke up and started reading the novel I bought on Saturday. And I couldn't stop reading it! What a bad habit of mine. I was so immersed in the story and well, I could still pull myself out of it.

Oh ya! I thank God for my exam's result. It wasn't a good result ( compared to my high school time, and I regret right now because I switched from Science stream to Art stream ) but I thank God for the marks! And also for every bit of the wisdom.

Indeed, I'm feeling happy and bit crazy right now, because I'm suspecting a spot test tomorrow.


X

Sorry for my English mistakes

Captions.

A photo shooting day, when memories made.

#throwback #lastyear

I hold you tight,

you leave my heart,

bleeding,

for the whole night.

It's about showing love, with hands, 

and

heart.

I failed.

Mirrored,

we're not,

alike.

But,

we're still,

alive.

Suffocated,

breathed,

I'm only a human.

I'm still figuring out.

X

Figure out.

The smell of chocolate, is fragrant and lovely.

I'm just unsure about what I'm feeling right now. There are too much to say and share. Ups and downs don't bother me sometimes, but they bother my parents.

Lately I've been thinking about how unpleasant that stereotype has brought up to everyone of us. This week, I've encountered like few issues, or you can say they were stories, about stereotyping. Well, this stereotyping is something that we have to avoid. Well, actually it is not that much of stereotyping, but it's like judge the book by its cover issue.

There are many simple examples that I would like to tell you guys about. And these happened to me in real life. For example, the coin, the black and old coin. This story happened when I was in my account lesson during the week. Because all of us were supposed to pay 30 cents to my friend who was in charged of the printing. So, I took out coints. And I saw a black and dark coin in my purse. Compared to the others coins in the purse, which are shinny and silverly, I doubted to take the black one out. The coins were all 20 cents, but instead of following my mind to take the shinny ones out, I took the out of colour's, because I felt like doing it. Guess what happened next? My friend received it. And then because there were some of them who gave 50 cents and needed 20 cents change, my friend gave him/ her my out of colour and dull 20 cent coin. And yea, I heard someone asking why was the coin black in colour, and my friend said it was from Elisa.

It was a simple incident happened during my account lesson. I got myself shocked, because I  thought I had not this stereotyping thing in myself, yet, I was the first one having the WHY IS THIS COIN BLACK IN COLOUR? WILL IT SERVE AS 20 CENTS AS WELL?

Colour isn't a problem, we know. The coins have the same value, they are all 20 cents, No one cares if they have made their stereotyping on this little coin, thinking that it might not worth 20 cents, but it's 20 cents! It will not due to the change in its outer appearance to change the value of itself.

Humans are unique. Everyone has the same value. We can't judge a person by what he or she is wearing and considering to make or not to make friend with him/ her. And that's what I'm quite upset about. Because through money, people judge.

We shall put ourselves down. See what the world has.

X

I asked,

Reality kills.

It's always a barely breathing story.

I could still remember my dream ambitions 2 years ago. I dreamt to be fashion designer. I thought it would come through, though I had taken lots of brochure about institute that offers this course. I thought I would really be one, wearing hipsters and funky everyday, drawing and being creative with arts. It's really impossible for me, a person who doesn't have nice clothing, to even dream to be a fashion blogger or whatsoever.

I know, it was unreal, it is unreal.

I had this short conversation with my classmate who always appears to be sad. I asked about her ambition and her dream job. Well, her dream job doesn't really make a shock to me, because she said she passionates in drawing. However, indeed of dreaming such an unrealistic ambition, she said she wanted to be an accountant, because of job demanding.

 I used to have many dreams. I wanted to be a model, of which I would never be one, because I'm too short. I wanted to be a politician, who could make a change for my beloved Malaysia, but it turned out to like catching fire. Well, even a piano teacher. And I know, there's no way for me to be one of them, because I'm to weak and helpless.

I frequently ask myself, the reason of me switching from science stream to commerce stream. I asked. And my answer is always a silence. I don't even know how to answer it.

Because I'm starting from 0. I'm starting from nothing.

Unlike my sister, she continues doing her science and maths. At least, she has the foundation. But, I can't find any of mine. I don't have a foundation of commerce. I'm seeking a foundation which hopefully will have my name on it. But, no. Nothing.

I thought, studying what I'm studying right now, is a start for me to be involved in designing, interacting, and many sorts of ideal stuffs. But I'm wrong.

X

If I die young

Such a hectic life.

I just had my birthday over on the Thursday.

Last day? 

I often ask myself whether tomorrow is my last day of life. Well, it sounds so incredible yet real. It is a real and solid question that we shall ask ourselves constantly so to make today or tomorrow more useful. Because knowing you only have limited time to do something will make yourself treasure the very last minute you have.

But I'm still alive.

I once prayed to God that, let me stay alive at least till 18 years old, The reason behind this is I want to go through different school / learning level. I did this naive prayer when I was 14, if I'm not mistaken. I find this prayer becomes something that's really real and serious.

I went to college on my birthday this year. Compared to last few years, primary and high school had holidays on that day. Well, I don't mind studying on that day, since Birthday to me isn't really a big deal to me. Though, I'd never felt like this before.

I received lots of wishes from my classmates. They are awesome. Some of them even took photos of me, well, for what?

This little thought came to my mind, what if this was my last birthday? Would I leave the best memory to my friends?

There are birth and death. They are the beginning and the end of our lives. However, the later ones seems scarier. There are time duration in between of them. What shall we do, to live life to the fullest?

Those were my birthday thoughts. I was so grateful that my friends and classmates made an effort to wish me, because open your mouth to say something out is quite hard if you don't feel like doing it. And also Shi Ying who presented me a cutie ladybird which I later ate it before my dinner. I was so cruel.

I appreciate my facebook friends who wished me and those who wished me on whatsapp. My maybe-last birthday will never be so great and " grand" without you guys. Also, my lovely lecturers who I didn't think they know my birthday but they knew. I would never be so happy, without you guys. And those who sang Birthday songS to me. Life is never dull with music.

***

This year is not a dull year, because I realise everyday might me the last day of my life. 

I wish to make people remember that, love is an affection. 

Best connector, eva!

Life is never happy and grateful without love.

I thank God for everything. I thank God for you guys reading my blog.

X

Thirst : Quench

I thank God for everything he has or hasn't given to me.

We come in different backgrounds, experiences, thinking and circumstances.

I grouped myself as a silly and blessed person. The reason of this is that, I always feel helpless during every bit piece of time in studies and also in communication. However, there are always people who are willing to calm me down, who tell me everything is okay. That's how great, I see, the Lord has done to me, and also people around me.

I really wanna apologize if I bring any boredom to you, while you're reading my blog post. Because, I'm taking you to view thing sociologically ( okay, that sounds too serious ).

Through communication, the excitement of talking about topics like desires, social media, hobbies is always greater than that of studies or perhaps, religion. Take it seriously, what we talk about is what we think about. Through communication, we share our little piece of thoughts, and well, the conversation continues as the other party or parties resonate with your thoughts. That's so cool. It's really cool. Because most human can only communicate with human. And through the aid of gestures and languages, we successfully make the thoughts of ours, implant into the other party or parties brains.

***

I guess I've never been this happy before. Well, especially being in my church youth. They are the lovely group, of which, you'll want to hug them when you see them. I still remember how rebellious I was when I was still a kid. I refused to go to church because I thought all those people were nonsense. And I used to think that there were thousands of stupid rules of which I should obey in church.

Now, I'm spending more than 6 hours in church every week, having fellowship and stuff like that.

A 180 degree change of me.

I guess, that's how God has shown his wisdom throughout my life ( though I know I'm a bit too silly sometimes ).

And we shall continue to have thirst in God's words.

X

Shared love

I'm tempted by the food.

Joy shall be shared upon everyone // Everyone can sit on that bench

Lately I've been in a really silly mood. In fact you don't know what I mean, I've got an example for you.

I felt fat and unsecured at once in my high school time, it was terrible and took long time to recover from that. And now, I'm actually suffering because I feel fat again and unsecured is one of the mainstream that I'll probably go through again if I'm not cautious enough. Well, that's what I mean by silly.

Let's look into this serious yet silly issue.

Most of the people get attracted to people who are unique, or perhaps, nice body shapes or pretty faces. This is not a sin because that's a way of human showing appreciation towards God's creation. There are these things called body ratio and facial ratio. These ratios are actually the standard of closeness to perfection. In fact you don't know, mathematics plays a big role in it. ( That's why sometimes I'm so frustrated about Maths! )

Therefore, most of the people in the world find that models have the perfect body shapes. Because their bodies have that light and fast meaning. I mean, you'll feel like they can jump very high up and run fast. Well, significantly, that type of body shape, reflects the people nowadays. People like to get things done faster ( or you can say they want faster internet speed ) but less stressful ( in terms of stress load ).

It's kind of amazing plus pitiful that human are always judgmental in some ways. I mean, you have a pretty face doesn't mean you are good in communication or whatsoever or else, you're ugly so please stay inside your room and never step out of the door. Is it the case?

Many times, we wish to see good arts. Just take Instagram as an example. You'll not really follow an account that has not nice photos. You'll rather follow some accounts of which photos are taken by an DSLR or photos which are all about portraits. Yes. We wish to have everything in perfect. Therefore, those who are ugly should stay in their rooms and never show their faces to me! Do you think like that?

Meanwhile, when  you're eliminating all those bad and ugly stuffs out of your vision, I suggest you to look into the mirror. Look at yourself and ask yourself, are you good enough? Can you live alone in the world? I guess the second question you're gonna answer No. Because we are all equal. There is no difference in priority for every human. We are human, we need love, we need to share, we need to accept and we need God.

***

I'm really happy and in the mean time, I feel unreal. Really unreal. 

I go to my church and have fellowship. My brothers and sisters in Christ are too lovely and friendly. They are helpful as well. I've never thought of being helped by others before. I'm serious. I look back to what I experienced during my high school time, I was a kid who was overwhelmed with hatred and loneliness. Nearly no one showed their kindness to me. And now, I'm feeling as if I've gone to Mars or somewhere else, because people are too good and kind. All I could do is to say thank ya to them. In my heart, I wish to help them or maybe hug them. Because they are too good. And, I'm not worth to be helped. Because I've done nothing.

Through them, I see how God's love has shined in their life.

Through them, I see how God has loved me.

Through them, I see how great God is. 

X

Weak Love

I supposed this year is gonna be a fun yet challenging year. I'm quite sure my assumption is on the right track, because the reason of my headache is that statement. 

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry.

I thought I could be more independent. But, I'm wrong. I'm totally wrong. 

Things don't always turn out to be what you want. I mean in terms of everything. For example, I thought I had the guts to take photos today, but instead of taking photos like a pro in the hall, I head to another classroom, hiding myself. I'm such a mousy person. 

I just regretted of what I've done, literally. The absence of mine, had become the presence of my twin sister. I guess, that's why, I'm always thankful about everything. I pulled out in the end, and dialed a SOS call to my sister, but she didn't pick up the phone. I went around the college and seek for her. At last, I made another phone call, she picked up. I guess, you know what had happened next. 

I passed the camera to her, and said a simple thank ya to her. She ran all the way to the hall, and literally substituted my place. She was taking photographs for the next 1 hour. I mean, I was supposed to be there, but my fear conquered me, and I was hiding inside the classroom, presenting myself in the Usher workshop of which both my twinnie and I supposed to be there at that time.

At the end of the day, my face wasn't described as a joyful face. Neither my twinnie did. Her face was burning like a hot boiled pot. All of my thought came to a state of which, I wanted to stand in the middle of the road, and let the cars go through my body so that I could be in a 2D state. 

***

I'm weak. I admit. 

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist.

I would rather call myself selfish person, indeed. I can't face tomorrow. I can't face anyone. Now, I feel as if I'm a psycho person. In my mind, I'm asking myself to go or not to go to seek for consultation from psycho geek lecturer in my college. Well, guess what, this is the N times I've asked myself the same questions. 

***

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

X

Learning

Today is the first day after 2015 chinese new year.

One week before today, I remembered myself unwillingly going back my hometown. I was so nervous of meeting my relatives, because they kind of giving me some serious look, which creep me off everytime. Well, maybe they are just too serious, that I can't bear with them. After all, everyone is different.

What I did during this super lovely trip back to my hometown was visiting my relatives and also my primary school friends. I met 4 of my primary school friends, one I last met her when we were 15. The other three, on the other hand, I hadn't been seeing them since the last day of my Year 4 school day. So, it was kind of touching and excited moment after so long hadn't met them. 

They were still the same.

My heart cried when I saw them. Oh my! All sorts of different thoughts flipped through my mind, and my brain was busy working as if it hadn't been used before. I thought of how they were when we were little kids, running around in the school hall during PE time. And " I don't wanna friend you" was our blackmailing tool of all time. We spent precious time together. It was what we used to call friendship, because we shared everyone's secret as if the secret was ours. 

I visited my friends' houses and heard a lot of stories. Those stories were too mind blowing because I never know and I''ll never understand why they have been in the chaos and complicated relationships. If one day, I can fully understand all the stories and the feelings of the main characters involved, I think I'll write it out and hopefully public those stories in one book. That will be really great.

Just bought this book for my English subject's literature.

Can't wait to discover every bit piece of it! 

***

I'm now in a real stressful mode as there are many exams fall on this week. 

I bear in mind, that, I'll make myself, be the best.

I don't wanna live in past.

Therefore, I changed my mind set.

Telling myself,

not to be the best, but do the best. 

I lose myself

It is almost another Chinese New Year.

The feeling of mine, however, is tiring, stressed out and uneasy. I'm scared that the laziness of mine will one day eat me up, and I'll lose myself.

I came across this fellow, Jun Curry Ahn, on Youtube last year, and decided to subscribe his channel. Well, I did. And I liked his facebook page too. What is so special about this fellow is that he is a real talented guy- in violin. I ain't sure how does people categorise pro in violin, but I just kind of like his music. And totally in love.

Therefore, I dug out a violin from my room, started get some nice shots for it, though I don't know how to play it, sigh.

***

It's so cool that humans can actually create nice music. And we, who are able to hear, can have the opportunity to listen to it. The sweetness and joy of it, is what words can't describe, but every heart can feel and know. 

Funny how I joined music club of my college and signed up to be a "student" of music instrument. They passed this A4 paper around during the first meeting. And we, club members, were supposed to write down our names, music instruments that we wanna learn and stuffs like that. I was so impressed by myself ( practically, I was regretting now ) and wrote down VOCAL and ELECTRIC GUITAR, as what I wanna learn. 

Well, electric guitar is kind of cool and I'm so in love with it because Greyson Chance used electric guitar as one of his song track background. I know, this reason is kind of the lamest reason, but believe me, that's why I started loving remixes.

After all, I just feel like I did it because I was so excited about it, not because of I really wanna learn. And I just realised I love piano the most. So, yea. I decided to quit music club because it's kind of shame of mine! 

***

I definitely want to relate my fresh and real life story to you guys, because we really need to know and reinforce. 

Think before you do, ask before you act. 

Sometimes, we tend to tell ourselves that what come foremost to our thoughts are the best. And we won't stop thinking about how good to be in that future situation. And thought of everything will go well, well. However, we are actually giving ourselves the chance to loss control of ourselves. And then, it'll finally lead to an uncertainty, of which, all the situations are not what we would have expected. We'll fall down into the deep, and feel like dying, every single second.

What are we looking for? It's time to ask yourself this question.

If you are unable to answer, well, it's really serious that you needa find God to help you. 

***

I'm so impressed with what Moses had done to get the deals with Pharoah. He was low in confidence at first, but then, with God, he got over it.

I put myself into Moses' situation. I find it really amazing that, now, I'm actually recovering from low self- esteem. That's how God has done to me. 

Glory to the Lord.

Defining Love

Hey there!

Paris Love

I'm sort of lost in finding my own self. The year of 2015 gives me a real great impact on building who I'm. And I hardly believe that I'm who I'm right now.

Being silent, fearful had always been the words that couldn't be wrong to describe me. I hardly believe that I'm a little bit ( that's how I feel ) too, or perhaps, I'm too talkative. 

Throwing out my opinions is what I've been doing lately. Unlike years before this, I was struggling with interaction with people. Well, you could probably check out my 2013 blog posts. Those posts are all about complaining my own English level, and how desperate I wanna to have good English in order to raise out my own opinions when I was in the crowd. 

Well, I can say, I finally did it! 

Glory to the Lord, because I would never do anything without Him. Though I have had hard time ( almost all of the time, and I always show it on my face, if you notice ), I have the faith that I'm able to go through it with the strength of God. 

***

Yesterday, there was something fun going on. Well, I probably mean those CAT and ECCE students in my college. They had these selling roses and cookies booth at one of the college corner. I was being attracted to that booth, because they were selling my favourite flowers, roses. And this was really funny. They sold like 3 roses for RM 12 and 1 rose for RM 5. At first, I had this so called desire to buy 3 roses for myself. But then, I felt like there wasn't a need to buy 3 stalks of roses at once. ( In fact, if I really have bought them, I would probably use them for photography! ).

So, after I came back to my lovely resting house, I just realised that they were selling like a COMBO. And the COMBO didn't really sound good, because, since they were selling for people who wanna show their love to their truly and only love ones, there weren't supposed to be 3 stalks of them. Or else, they wanted people to send 3 of the roses to the same person. If you understand what I mean, just keep the joke to yourself. If you don't, well, ignore it! 

***

I had my super duper long piano lesson today. It was pretty good, as usual. My teacher was like so desperate wanted me to learn all the songs and kept telling me to practise those songs she had selected for me. And I'm like OKAY, I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT. I actually have learnt a lot of things from my piano lessons. Some philosophy, I would say. 

Oh yea. I also had this Christian Fellowship session in my college. I was an usher, by the way. Well, ushering time is really enjoyable and I've learnt a lot of things. Things that I'll never learn in my former school and things that I won't learn in my home, and things that I can't find in books. Ushering needs a lot of efforts. As an usher, smiling is just the basic. Well, probably you wanna people to feel like coming to CF is like coming home. Yeap, a smile does makes them feel welcomed! ( I guess )

Also, I have challenged myself to communicate more with people around me, because social skill is too important. Besides the fact that I'll sometimes tend to be careful of my English, I still manage to show that I'm not a mute. 

I guess, smiling is a show of love to everybody.

Give the love.

Receive the love.

Elisa X

Grateful

I've changed.

I find myself being to expressive sometimes. I really don't like the feeling of that, knowing myself as an active person.

Crazy I see how people have talents in doing many things, while I'm still finding a talent of mine ( which I believe it will exist, but never exist ). I've tried hard to do what I should do, but I failed to title the word  successful on what I've done. I'm serious, I'm to weak.

I read the 4 first chapters of Exodus from the Bible. I learnt that Moses was weak too. He couldn't speak in front of Pharoah. He told God that he was weak and not blessed to speak with courage. In the end, God appointed his bro to help him doing the talking part, though they failed like 9 times to convince Pharoah let their people go.

This is such an amazing story. I see courage and weakness present on the same time in this story. I feel like I, myself, am also going through this phase. I'm weak, but I still know that there are people who are willing to help me ( including God,  for sure ). I'm not alone.

I've seen people regret doing what they have done. Well, I just back from my church youth. I was asked this really serious but unrealistic question - What would you do, if your life is rewind? My mind stopped for 1 second, and 5 seconds onward, my mind flashed back to what I regretted. Well, definitely, stopped learning piano when I was 8.

Being self known as a low grade piano student, I'm always grateful that I know how to play piano. However, at the same time, my heart was torn into 2 parts. I have this super sad and low self esteem feeling about myself. Probably because I'm still an amateur. I fail to be the pro. I'm slow.

I really thank God about what I have. I retake piano after my Form 3 public exam. The feeling of retaking is amazing. I find back what I used  to learn. I know more that what I've learnt before though it was a restart. Thank God that at least I'm titled as an AMATEUR!

How lovely everything can be, but at the same time, scary and fear make the lovely things run away like a mad dog. That's how things work in the world.

Shall we work together and get back an everlasting lovely surrounding?

Well, love will conquer all, I believe.

February

It's February.

I never know I can survive in college since this is the first time I don't have my sister by my side during lessons. Well, there are so many independent lessons to learn.

I really don't know how to express what I'm feeling right now. Taking this course- Ausmat, is really not a good idea for people like me, because there is always at least a test every week ( If you get what I mean ).

I'm in the super stressful mode nearly everyday, because I've got so much to do. And I feel like my working load never finish. Never.

There are too much to worry about. I worry about my results, my homework, piano practices, club meetings, service learning and so on. I come to a point which, I can really, tell myself that, these things are not the most important things, being a perfectionist doesn't mean I'm perfect. Well, I give up doing my so called best in everything. I just do till the mind set of giving up comes upon. I'm still weak, yet, though God who strengthens me, I can do anything. This is the little yet powerful thing that pops up in my mind, when I have those melancholic feelings.

I don't know how people think about me. Wow. Maybe I'm too proud of myself or too low in self esteem. I don't know who am I. Seriously. Compared to last year February, I was, worrying about how to overcome fear talking to people I don't know. Now, I fear of being to proud or too proactive.

I learn to be more talkative, but almost forget how to be polite. I just feel like I'm a person who can sell fish - selfish. I think about myself before thinking about others. I seek for advantages. I seek for everything that is good, but not bad. I seek for nice things but not giving any help to people.

Therefore, I seek for opportunities to help people. Well, this gonna be my goal of the year.

***

So, I accepted this #28daysoflove Challenge from my former school head master. 

Day 1- Reading Materials

Day 2- Flower

Day 3- Food

Day 4- Art 

Day 5- Music or Musician 

Eyes still smile from cheeks

People say college life can be stressful, it can also be stressful.

Life is getting more and more colourful.

I find this statement so true to me. MCKL is a Christian college. I'm really grateful that I'm studying and spending one year of my life in this college. 

Well, it's not an emotional time now. So, yea. I think a lot, recently. My brain can't stop thinking. I think about how people interact with each other. How people really get resonance through some of the topics.

Smile. 

Credits to my professional photographer. 

I smile everyday, even to the college guards. I really respect the guards. Imagine you have to stand and walk around to a place again and again to make sure everyone is safe. I partially understand how they feel, because I felt this while protecting my group balloon from being popped in the camp. The adrenaline level in my blood increased and made me stayed in the condition of flight and fight. For the guards, they have to do that everyday. Salute! 

About how amazing things in the world have happened, I tell you, I encountered this. Brickfields street is where I always walk on, in order to go to my college. The mixture of touching, joy, fear and scared can really be seen on this road. 

On the first day of being a student in MCKL, my sis and I went to NU central from MCKL. Both of us really made the effort of going NU central just for a lunch. We had our bags on our shoulders, started all the way from MCKL. There were a lot of crossing roads, therefore, we tended to wait for the red man turned green. Well, there were this group of students from MCKL too. Well, red man turned green. All of us crossed the road. I was too selfish to see what happened in ( on? Haha English is too bad ) the surroundings. My sis crossed the road. But I couldn't find her. I looked and looked. Just realised she was with a guy!

A guy with a stick. He wasn't able to see clearly. At that point, I knew he was blessed to be the really physically unique one. So, I walked towards them. I asked Emily what had happened. Well, then I knew the guy was lost, couldn't get back to the blind organisation opposite my college. He was really lost. He just stood there and no one guided him. He is lost! Emily spoke English to him but he wasn't able to speak English fluently, but just two three words once. Thank God, sis and I speak Chinese. So, we switched. Yes, we got what he meant, because he spoke Chinese! 

We guided him back to the blind organization, through some really weird conversation. Funny thing was that sis did a lot of gestures to ask him where he wanted to go. I was like, HE CAN'T SEE, I spoke to myself in my heart, hoping that sis understand. Well, at last, we managed to send him back. This was a really good experience.

It's kind of cool how the physically blessed people ( like the guy ) have the bravery to walk without seeing anything. They have this little faith in their heart of which non of you who is reading this can fully understand. Well, this includes me too! The way the guy trusted my sis and I, I really salute. I can't really believe that how, people nowadays, can't really trust people around them, and yet this blessed fellow trusted us. In my heart, the guiltiness level rises, because I'm always too focused on my own, on what I want to do, on my life goals. 

We are born with different abilities. 

We are in different circumstances.

We have to help each other.

To be more united.

To share the love and joy.

Elisa Jean O

Refreshment

I just came back from my Youth Fellowship in church.

What I learnt today is that I have to have little time with God. Probably do devotion. Well, I have a little remorseful feeling in my heart. Tons of stress are being put on my shoulders, I barely get up and run to the goal of my life. This is so exhausted.

In church, I met new friends. Most of them are older than me, because I just upgraded my fellowship. All new faces with great big smiles, I smile to them too. Most of them are from University of Malaya and Masha. Well, I met my classmates too.

Imagine you are in a church where you have been growing up at. You were in this church when you were in primary school, secondary school and college. I'm pretty sure this position is a weird position. Being the new one in MYF ( Methodist Youth Fellowship ), I ain't scared of anything. It is just that the feeling is weird. I was a secretary during my MIW time, and now I'm the youngest in the same church of different fellowship. I can't help being quiet before the worship starts. Because during MIW time, I'm always the one who gives help to the ushers and does the cleaning up. I mean MIW and MYF are having the same place for gathering.

It's kind of mixture feeling of which I can't really write out in a proper and sequence way. I'm sorry for what I've just typed out.

I type when I feel lonely.

But I'm not lonely right now.

So, I decide to let myself to have a quiet time.

Typing all the words out, just to be like what I used to be.

I used to be a sad and melancholic person.

Then, now I realised, I've changed.

I'm too emotional but not melancholic.

Elisa

Regular

Things go well in college.

Truly, I've never thought that I could mix ( just a little mixing ) around with my classmates. Well, maybe not long stories with them but just a few words of chit chating. To me, words spoken from my mouth aren't the best way to show the feeling I have, but the words I typed out in this blog maybe about to deliver all I want to deliver. ( Sorry for my bad English, I'm working hard for it )

In fact you don't know, I just came back from my Orientation Camp yesterday. It was a 3 days 2 nights camp. People kept asking me about the camp, and all I said was GOOD.

I wonder how true the GOOD is. Obviously, things never go on the path that named GOOD. Life is like a x to the power of z equation. X can be any number you like and z can be any number you dislike. Well, to me the z is never less than 3. Ups and downs are all I can to briefly describe my life now.

Last Friday afternoon, was a real hot afternoon. I sweated a lot in my college though I was just wearing an Adidas T-shirt which my eldest sister bought for me in Labuan. I didn't plan to wear that Adidas tee that morning but seemed my twin wanted to wear the same as mine, so we both wore the same. That was how it worked that day.

Being a twin is a super normal thing to me. I'm not going to emphasis on how lovely or how difficult to be like a twin, because I'm still a human.

For sure, a twin like people asking about twins stuff. Well, for me, I like it. But when I just realised that's the only reason people talking to me, I have a little bit grief in my heart, squeezing my heart.

I always tell myself to be strong because God is with me. I tell myself not to be afraid because there is nothing scary. But then, when my day dreaming time ( actually it is my thinking time ) begins, I start to be afraid of things. And the scariest is human and friends around me.

That's what a person who likes to think when she is not reading any books.

Maybe I should clear my mind from my eyes and start to see the beautiful of my love from my classmates and friends.

Yes, I know that's the right way.

Because love never goes wrong with me.

Elisa

Dear 5A/2014,

Believe me, I'm writing this with my tears falling from my eyes.

I've been in my college for a week. I ain't making many friends here. I have taken 5 subjects, because that's what my course ( AUSMAT ) requires me to do. Those are Econs, Business, Accounts, English and simple Maths.

I go to college by using LRT. Every week day morning, I wake up at nearly 6:45 a.m and get ready to college. To me, everyday is not easy. Go and back by using LRT needs 1 hour and 10 minutes. So, I actually spend 1 hour plus every day sitting / standing in the train cab.

It isn't easy for a science student to take art subjects. After two years of studying mostly all kind of basic science in my high school, switching to art subjects produces lots of question marks in my head. All I do in every lesson is that keep my eyes on the lectures' notes that my lectures put on the slides. I'm pretty scared that I would miss a part of them, because almost all my lectures said that the textbooks themselves aren't enough to pass my exams. Well, I paid more and more attention.

I'm a bit introvert without my twinnie. What's worse is that I always have no confidence in my English. Well, college language is English. Fear and low confidence scares my bravery to speak English, that's why I barely talk to anyone in my class. And, yes, this is the killer fact of which I'm always alone in the cafeteria in my college while my sister is having her sciences lessons.

I walk back to KL central so as to take train back to my housing area train station with my sister. Every time on board in the train while going back home, I talk nonstop to my sister about every bit piece of what I've encoutered for that day. She does the same too. That's called 35 minutes.

Of course, I passed by Taman Paramount train station everyday as that's the train station before my housing area train station. What I do for every time is that I look outside the glass clear window and see the housing area of Taman Paramount. I can't forget what my sister and I did last December, we secretively jogged to my best friend + my closest ex classmate's house. We did that so as to suprise her. Well, she then brought us to the park nearby the train station, Taman Paramount. We talked about something normal and a bit useless. But I enjoyed that. This funny thing I had done always flashback in my mind whenever I passed through that. All I can do in the train cab is that, staring and tearing in heart.

Here comes Taman Bahagia ( my housing area train station ). Before the train stops, it passes by my ex-school, SMK Taman SEA. I spent 5 years of my life being a student of this school. One word to describe, AMAZING. I never thought that this school would bring me so much nostalgia effect in my heart while I was a freshman in this school. Three years of junior years made me a strong person. Despite that, I became a dependent person. I depended a lot on my friends. I didn't know I was so dependent, until now, this state, as a freshman in my college without laughing and knowing me friends, I just realised graduating from my ex school meaning that those I depending on are not going to be a side with me, pretty sad to say, for maybe the next years of my life would be years of absence of them. I just realise that's the reason why I'm using tissue to wipe my tears now.

5 Angsana, was my class name. Getting in an A class was stressful, because all my classmates were smart, hardwroking and academically blessed. Not only that, being as one part of them made me felt like I was never good enough, which this later made me a many A- student, but not straight Cs students.

Came to co-curriculum, class 5 A never failed to loss it's presence in the school. I had a lot of clubs and uniforms' presidents classmates. Though they were always busy in their stuffs, they never neglect their time studying and bonding with the other classmates. One word to describe them, AWESOME.

We have had a Whatapps group which normally people will think we, young people will use that as a way to chit chat, talk about life and stuffs. If you have that sort of thinking, well, you are wrong. We did discussion about questions that we didn't understand. And hoped for the best explanation so that all of us could score well in SPM, even discussed for 2 hours.

Why am I writing this sort of thing? I feel like I am like an old lady remembering her past and youth time. I should stop here.

If you are reading this, please don't laugh at me, because I'll feel sad.
If you do laugh at me, well, I will pray for you so that I can still continue to love you without hatred.

God guides me throughout my life. I really thank Him for such a wonderful plan that he has for me. Not to forget my dearest ex- teachers, they didn't only teach me how to survive with my knowledge, they also taught me how to survive with a good attitude and well being.

Thanks for reading ;)
Thank you 5 A/2014 classmates, you are a piece of my memory which I'm dying to experience it again and again.

Elisa
* always cry with little things
* I'm not doing this for fun or memorial, I'm doing this because that's what I feel right now.

New and Old moments

Though the leaves fell, life of the tree still goes on.

Well, school started. Everything went well, except the fact that I kept showing my quiet and introvert style I have had from me. This shows how far the distance of socialization from me. Due to this, I'm a bit sad and sort of disappointed with myself, because I was so in to the subject of Sociology so much, yet, I fail to continue conversation with people that I've met.

I started having this lovely routine called devotion. In fact you don't know, devotion is a time which Christian reads Bible and pray to God. I read Bible like every night. I follow Daily Bread as my devotion guide. Well, after that, I write down the verses of the day in my little note book. I also write down 5 things I want to thank God, and 3 things I want to change ( sort of ).

Every time I do my devotion, I've gotta think of 5 things I want to say thanks to God. That is really a good idea for me to count and experience how great is our God.

Not to write too much, so I would like to share my photos during my trip to the Europe last December with you, my darling readers.

Lovely birds in one of the park of London, which I can't remember.

University of Nottingham.

Ex-student brought his new girlfriend.

Payphone. 

Well, smart phones nearly conquer the world nowadays.

Who is using payphone?

One of my best shoot, in Paris.

The one that got away.

Crazy thoughts with creative minds.

It has been a week since I was back to Malaysia from the Europe and the UK. What I can tell you after one week saying deep goodbye to the UK, is that I really miss the UK a lot. Really a lot.

Last Saturday, which was 3 days ago, I went to MYF ( Methodist Youth Fellowship). It was a fellowship. I was new there. My sister was also new there. Both my sister and I planned not to tell them that we were twins, let them guess who was older and all kind of stuff like that.

Sometimes, I can be a bit funny and naive.

Well, though it was in church, the youths seemed didn't know us ( we too, didn't really meet them before). It was because we seldom appeared in 8 o'clock Sunday service. Well, well, we still had fun time and learning time together. We shared some things. And yea, the guessing-twins idea really failed, because we literally wrote our birth date on the form.

Sometimes, I feel like I am a serious noob.

This sounds so wrong. Let me retell you again. What I mean is that I feel like I am a serious person while at the mean time, I'm a noob.

Smiling can actually kill someone.

Back from my holiday trip, I observed and really encountered how different things work out with different culture. The shop workers ( no matter what shop, it can be a restaurant, clothes shop or even super market ) would smile at you whenever you went in. And what I did was I smiled back.

While back to Malaysia, I went shopping with my mum and sisters. Those shops I went in, I didn't forcefully smile at them. It was so natural that I smiled to them first. Those who smiled back really made my days.

That's why, I saw the difference of Malaysia and the UK.

Receiving and giving love come so similar, yet some are by force, some are by natural.

Elisa

Lust

What you wish, sometimes there can be a chance to go wrong.

I've been reading this book called Temptation. It is indeed a great book though it's name sounded a bit too lustful and sinful. It is a horror type book. The author did a great job in keeping me to continue reading this book, until I laid out a deep breathe, then I stopped. Well, it is all about vampires and little action of love, but mostly bloody and scaring.

I wish I had more time to read. Because through reading I find that every bit of my brain starts thinking, thinking about human and how things work.

College life starts soon, very soon. I received the offer letter of my college in December. I was reading it yesterday. I'm pretty sure I didn't leave out any important words. There are two words scared me. Guess, what are those words? ORIENTATION DAY.

Lovely things work out unplanned.

Well, well. I can't keep my brain stop thinking about Orientation Day, especially what to wear. To follow what the letter informed me, I should be wearing something formal.

I've never been in a very formal outfit before.

I wish nothing stopped me from being a little kid, who wandered around my mother and father, telling them I want to go to beach.

This never comes true, I know.

My 2015 New Year resolutions will be a long list, a real long list, which I don't even know if I can do it.

But God knows how to do it, with love and patience.

Elisa X

Late Life of Love

Life is short.

I'm quite sure what I have done this year. Certainly about what I passionate about. Playing guitar, piano and reading books. Other than that, I did revision on my studies, not to say everyday, but regularly. This year has been a year of mine craving knowledge. I can say I don't really give all my 2014 time to knowledge because most of my free time was used to being in social media. I'm sort of regretting what I have done, but I'm still spending my time on Twitter and Instagram.

I have just experienced two weeks of lovely time with my family. That was great. And I really hope that you, should spend some time, staring at something or sharing all you with your family. Your level of your family bond will slowly review. There you know, how much time you should invest on your family love. Because love doesn't exist without sharing and caring. Because love is all about sharing, caring and using your time just to love.

Lately I have been reading a book entitled A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks. It is a story about love. As most of you know, Nicholas Sparks writes couple love stories. Well, he slowly reviews the love of family, which he has successfully made me rethink about time and love. I really recommend you read his books.

About love, we see it spreading around the world. Give and receive are the only ways you feel the love.

Although Christmas Day passed, I would like to retell you that God loves you that He even gives His only child to save us from our sins and gives us eternal life.

Merry Late Christmas!

Elisa :)

Do, Did, Done

Hi there!

Some times I just wonder how silly I am. There were times when I feel as if the whole world abandoned me. And that feeling wasn't good.

My life now is a bit too bored, I can say. I eat, sleep, hang out with friends, go church and etc. I did have done a lot of my next year college stuffs. I went to the college and did the enrollment. And that was the worst experience ever!

To be honest, I am always quiet in front of people I don't know. Maybe sometimes I don't even want to talk. Talking is the best recreation in the world. However, to me it is never a good activity during something serious like enrollment.

I am looking forward to a more talkative and proactive me next year. Since this year comes to and end, I decided to check what I haven't done well this year. I read this 2014 New Year Resolutions. And I feel like I haven't completely completed my resolutions.

I wrote about my English. Yes. I can tell I'm still lack of confidence but at least a bit of it is trying to take over me. And that's God. Aha. Lack of confidence is a sign of not being able to speak English fluently. So, if you ever spoke to me in English, and I appeared to be like a dumb, just accept the truth that I was not being comfortable with you. Well, I'm trying hard.

Next thing is that I wrote I would read more story books. The matter about this was that I had not enough time to spend every day immersing myself into the books. I did read a lot of books this year compared to last year. And I think I broke my own reading record.Maybe 15 books? I don't know. You might say I am being too proud of myself because most of the book lovers read more that what I did. Well, to be honest, I don't think I'm good enough too. I need to read more books.

Besides English, nothing special I can write about.

Thanks there.
Should end here.
Elisa X

The End.

This, is, the life after SPM.

I feel normal as I still have things to do. Like sorting out my books, cleaning up my room, throwing all the old clothes and etc. Life after SPM aren't what you really enjoying. Well, maybe you do, but not me.

Flashed back. I thought a lot about what I was and what I used to be. After people use almost a quarter of their lives thinking about the past, remembering the glory they achieved. I don't really agree that people have glory, even for one second. Do people even deserve? We seek for strength, power and money ( I mean most of us probably do ). We would be using 3 quarters of our lives proving how super and how good we are. We spend less than 24 hours thinking about life after death because it is scary to experience or even think about it.

We are scared of people looking down on us. Looking down on our silliness, and our weakness. We try very hard to make it not to be seen. We are like wearing sunglasses during the night while BBQing. We thought that people would look at us from heads to toes. Well, probably they do less than what we think they would. Do you even care how people do? I can tell not really. Because we always look at ourselves.

I feel like laughing at myself. Writing this nonsense blog post just because I think about nonsense things.

After all, we realise every life has an end.


Glory to the Lord.
Elisa X