A change.

There is a strong urge in my telling that I should write this down. I have to share it with whoever I love, regardless of genders.

I have been in a struggle of setting the boundaries between my opposite gender and I. 

It has been hard for me to make friends since I was young. It probably due to the fact that I always have a partner, perhaps, everyday friend by my side. I had never felt lonely. This mate of mine helped me a lot, in everywhere. I might have relied on her too much to the point where I might have unintentionally worshiped her. 

Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend till today. 

I start shifting my center of my life purpose to another. 

***

Knowing that separation is hard, I prayed to God. I pray when I'm alone. He has become a part of my life. He takes charge of my life. I need him in my life. 

***

The hardest thing to learn is to lay down my own decisions to the altar of God. It is hard. It is really hard.

I have gotten this addiction of worshiping money last year, or perhaps, many years ago. I liked the sense of buying new clothes. I liked being called fashionable. I liked being the centre of the attention. It was true enough that I had become an attention seeker. I seek for love everywhere from everyone. 

I used to be a low self esteem person who couldn't look into others' eyes when they spoke. I felt insecured. I thought I was a low class person. As I gradually changed my behaviour and the inner side of myself, I started to be more outgoing. Perhaps, this is the reason why you have known me as a person who is joyous and who laughs and makes people fall into the world of happiness. I tried to make tonnes of jokes in the early stage of my changing life. This further transformed me to who I'm today, the one that does silly things to make people laugh without knowing how silly I have gone. 

They call it humorous. 

Every happy story has a scare on the main character. We know that in our heart. We have scare in our life. We dare not tell.

***

I am scared of being not loved by people. I make myself more available to others. I love locking others' eyes in my eyes, as if I know their future, I know what they want, I know their desires, I know what are burried down inside their hearts. I love the feelings of it. 

Little did I know, it was actually an adultery.

Engaging people by locking their eyes in mine has become the most powerful way of me locking their hearts (well, at least, that's what I thought). It is awful.

It is really awful.

***

Today, I, tell myself, and I tell God that I will, bow down, and let him take away my shameful heart, my adultery behavior. 

Prayer:

Lord, there's no way I could control myself anymore, it's all your authority. I love writing, I love telling people about how much you have done for me. I want to commit myself, my heart, and my behavior to you. Everything I say will be your will. Everything I do, I will do with you. Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have changes again and again. Humble me in your words, humble me to serve the people around me knowing that my body is yours, not any guys' not anyone's. I will serve you wholeheartedly, with all my mind, my soul and my heart. 

In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

Re: set

My identity was lost, but now it is found. 

Unlike the others, I feel strongly unprotected while studying abroad. Everyone tells me that I would be fine. Everyone says that studying abroad, means without the guidance of parents, has freed them from illogical rules and regulations. 

I, set more rules to myself than my parents setting for me. 

Being alone means that I have full authority towards my time. Whatever I desire, I can fulfill it whichever way. I ended up signing up for Easter Camp organised by Overseas Christian Fellowship SA.

I start to adapt the new environment. I start to take charge of myself, my action, my words, my behaviors, and my being. It is exhausting. I was a princess in my family, the one that only washes dishes and does laundry (you know, put the clothes into the washing machine). I considered myself doing house chores. 

I end up being a messy person here.

My mind is messed up with more than 10 tasks that I do everyday, my body parts work for different things at the same time, my bedroom is literally a translation of my mind. My minds are everywhere. 

It's not until I attended this camp, which I learnt to be more organised in my mind. 

It's not a joke, though people learn to love God more, or turn back to God, etc, I learnt to be more organised? 

I would never forget, I was telling the committee that I had no towel for showering. That embarrassing moment set me to a rigid mind. I was busily checking out what were inside my bags, and I couldn't sense any towel-like material in the bag. It was an awful experience. 

Glory to the Lord, E-Camp was full of amazingly helpful people, Ivy, especially, helped me throughout the whole post "reckless behavior" situation. I managed to get showers.

It was the next morning that I found myself being reckless again. 

I simply put my lanyard in one of the bags that I brought. I brought lots of bags (shame, I called myself a refugee), and the bags had lots of pockets. Imagine my lanyard was in one of the pockets, and I didn't expect myself had put it in that pocket. Bam! 10+ minutes in the morning was gone, because I couldn't find my lanyard. 

When I recklessly do something, and never think about the after effect, everything messes up. 

Sometimes, our minds would just follow what would be the best for the situation now, but forget of how a simple decision could be a tragedy in our lives. We might consider cutting down a short little time for God would not affect much of our lives.

I, did, regretted of what I had done. But I still did it on the next day. I ended up wasting 10 minutes of my life. Resetting my bad behaviours takes a long time. Resetting my reckless vision of love requires time. 

However.

I just heard the sound of shooting gun. 

I'm ready to run.

You and I: Part I

Believe or not, we are all searching the 'you' in our lives. 

In fact, we are searching for the 'you' everyday. It makes us restless. It's relentless. 

It is as if our lives' purpose is to get a life companion. Admit it, all of us feel lonely, sometimes. Sometimes, you wish to have someone being by your side. There might be no words exchanged. The presence of 'you' is enough. The presence of 'you' wins the whole world. It's a feeling of 'I just need 'you''.

Perhaps, that's why you and I are searching for a life mate. It's not as easy as buying a life companion (Samsung phones), it is time and energy consuming. It's seldom that these factors would hold us back from the desire to love. We love challenges, don't we? 

Almost, everyone, is excited for a new start. You feel as if being in a new environment is the best thing ever. It is the moment that you have been longed for. But, why? Because you want to get rid of your old habits, because you want to get rid of the loneliness that the older you experienced, because you want a whole different life with a genuine friend. You want a story that is written by both of you.

How many new starts can you have?

On the other hand, you might also wish for meeting new people, those who just start new. Later, you find out that you are actually not longing for a new start or a change, you're waiting for a new experience. You are long for a ''You' and I' experience. The one that belongs to only both of you.

***

I like how Reverend Dr. Stephen Tong's sermon went. I once attended one of his sermons in KL this year January. I have loved how he described the relationship of 'Thou' and I. It was breathtaking. 

When we were young (now imagine yourself as a little kid figure), we had been depending on our mothers. Every time when problem making us cry, mother was our rescuers. Our life circles were too small that only 'Thou' (our moms) and us. We cried in our hearts when moms were driving away from our kindergartens. We cried when there were only us on the isle of the supermarket. We wanted our moms to be by our sides, we wanted the care and love from her. She is the 'Thou'.

As we grew older, we found out that our moms weren't the smartest, weren't the perfect ones. The 'Thou', therefore, changed from moms, to our dads, then our teachers, our lecturers, our peers. 

Our 'Thou' changes. We later realise that 'Thou' is too hard to be found.

Till now, we are still searching the 'Thou'.

'Thou', where are you?

How does love work?

I like how romantic stories go. I believe that in real life, we, at least, will experience one of that sudden melt in our hearts when our eyes lock together, until we lay at the coffin, and one of us saying good bye to the other.

I believe love is far beyond that. It's the infinity sign that we've drawn with our finite hands. 

Love is what 1 Corinthian 13 is talking about. 

Love is everlasting. 

1 Corinthian 13 is far more romantic than the 5-seconds-but-feels-like-forever-heart-melting eyes locking . It's more than 4 Dimensions. It has no time constrains.

Because it's love.

***

Sometimes, I feel like shutting myself down from the world. 

My mind triggers a lot about relationships these days. Being alone is a trial, a challenge. The sudden absence of a personal photographer at this stage of my life has set me into learning selfie. I take photos of myself. I smile big enough to make sure I'm in my best condition. My muscle contracts, and makes 16-teeth-out smile. Sometimes, I have to tidy my hair a little bit to make sure everything look perfect. 

Nothing is perfect, bro.

Let's talk about hangout with friends.

The lonelier you feel, the more you feel like hanging out with friends for every free time you have. That's me for the past few weeks. Boredom doesn't fill in the room of emptiness in my heart, it's the lack of people's love emerges. The absence is massive. You feel like connecting yourself with your phone every hour, every second, because that's the only way you can feel connected, you can feel loved. It's not boredom, it's the absence of love that you feel.

So, I posted a photo with caption. I've been thinking a lot about the grown-up world. Knowing that I'm no longer a kid, I have the strong urge to be stronger while living in a community with different kinds of people. I'm always terrified by interacting with people whom I'm not familiar with. Don't call me a liar, I think I end up dealing pretty well with new faces. I can see myself involving in business in the future. 

I strongly felt what I'd written for the caption about love. I've seen, or perhaps, felt, too much about how people craving for different kinds of love. Dealing with different fundamental meanings of love can be hard. No, it's really hard. 

Hardship goes on and on when there are misunderstanding and misconceptions about different beliefs and what not. I guess, I'm overthinking about the consequences, but isn't it good to think about the consequences as it's an action of caring about the future?

That sounds like we always have tomorrow, but actually we don't. Now I'm finding myself contradicting with myself. Aren't we supposed to love our love ones like we're gonna lose them? How does love work? 

God knows. 

Too competitive? I'm not good enough?

I've just finished reading a chapter of my course book. It's a special book because it talks about Work and Leisure. It triggers my mind.

I went to a church today. I was new there. It was like finally, I understood what the sermon was all about. For the previous churches that I had attended, I didn't quite remember what the sermons were about, or perhaps, I didn't really understand much. My mind wasn't in place. Or perhaps, I was too tired and was tempted to fall asleep. 

At least, my eyes weren't closed. 

Searching for a healthy church has become a challenge for me, because I've got too much factors to weight about and decisions to be made. I thank God that I had a wonderful day today. Things went on smoothly. I had tried my best communicate with people. 

Do I sound like I was forced to communicate?

I often labelled myself as an introvert. It was kind of sad, because I had unintentionally drawn a distinct line between myself and the world. I often told myself that it was alright to shut myself up and continue being quiet all day long. Sometimes, when people genuinely talked to me, I felt kind of disappointed with myself. I restricted myself from being open up to others. But they were willing to share personal things to me. 

I've changed after all.

It takes a long time to realise that everyone has got his or her own talents ( something ). Sometimes, jealousy creeps in my heart. I wonder why there were so many pretty people and cool kids around me, while I'm just a Kampung born wild girl. I drop things very often, the moment when I move my body, the whole table shakes. That's me. Shame puts me into its category. 

I need to learn.

Americans always possess the concept of being set free, having your own self, you're the best and etc. Is that really true that we can keep on continuing what we are comfortable with while the truth tells us that it's wrong? 

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity." Colossians 4:5

They say Freedom

Stressed is overwhelming.

Connect the photo with this blog whatever you want. 

It's not until I realised that I've gotta be prepared for every week. Because there's almost 2 quizzes for every week. Studying abroad is supposed to be fun and exciting, but what I feel is just plainly stress and anxiety. 

It's time when independent has become the key word of my life here. It's all about being organised and being responsible to oneself. No one will ever care what you are doing, you are the one who care about yourself. At this point of my life, there's actually no one giving a weird look for whatever I'm doing. I guess that's what they called freedom. Free from being judged by people.

Obligation brings me to the safe zone boundary. 

I can't abandon much of the culture that I've brought from where I grew up to here. I keep God's words in my brain. My brain stimulates the words out to my heart whenever there's something that I feel wrong. I stay away from the wrong. 

Because I always want to be at the right.

I see how society here has got strong will of human rights. They have advertisement of Gay and Lesbian's show on a particular date and time. I see how people can just talk about having condoms and what not in their lives. I'm completely aware that things are not as beautiful as what I have experienced in my country. Things are not complicated here, it's even simpler. 

Humans have demand. Therefore, there's a supply for their needs. 

That's just as simple as that.

I have had classmates who is blind and who constantly sits at her wheelchair. I also have classmates who raise kids for their past life and now still feeding their kids with all they have. I see how different people come from different destinies, but they have decided to give in their lives to this thing called education. 

I see how education works.

It is never a chance for disabilities or responsibilities to constrain you from persueing what you want. It's never a chance for people to stop you going into the desires that you have always wanted to fulfilled. No one ever care if you have being controlled by your desires. They don't care. 

I wrote down "Actively Rescue" on a piece of paper, and I pasted it on my wall. I told myself, this is the theme for 2016. I'm having an obligation of rescuing whoever. On my back, I've the Almighty one. You know who I'm talking about, don't you?

"I have the right to do anything," you say, but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything", but I will not be mastered by anything.  - 1 Corinthians 6:12

I need God.

I'm starting to like what I'm studying. 

Talents have not been showing up for a while since I started my holidays months ago. I'm now feeling exciting to face the work load that will be given. I'm a bit crazy, ain't me? 

Reading the book that my university gave each of us student on the day of degree information, I find myself being attracted to the book more and more. I feel connected to the career that I want to have. I find a piece of my flower land. I can never put off my dream of having a clothing shop. I can't stop chasing the dream of mine for being a fashion designer. I know time is chasing me, but I know there's a way to win the race. 

Dreaming is such a waste of time. Getting things done on time is a hard one. It can make us stumble and fall. But every time of getting up from the fall is another step closer to the gate named Success. That's why I try. That's why I even try. That's why I even make myself become stronger. 

I reemphasize to myself that I'm unique as a banana tree. In fact you have no idea why a banana tree, it's because a banana tree only bear fruits once in its life time. That's why I love banana fruit. As long as their is a goal, there's no way anything on this earth can stop you. It's true. So, we work for it. 

Sometimes when I see myself as the center of the universe, I stop having my thoughts going on and on in my brain. I stop. I always like to stay close with God. Yes, stay close with some One that's reliable. People will soon forget about you unless you remind them of yourself. Why not having God in your heart. That can be as genuine as possible. I'm here to say that I'm a sinner, I need God, and I'm a daughter of God. 

I often forget about my identity. I drive my dream without identity. It's kind of like driving a car without a license. Now you know how dangerous it could be. Often, I forget to bring my license. I forget how tsunami can hold human close to death. But there are more human crying for breaking up and not getting good grades. Give yourself some times and think about it. You are here reading my blog not because of accident or unplanned occurrence. It's planned. 

I don't mean that my writing can change your whole life, totally not. What I mean is that things can be as simple as you see, but there's actually a living God who plans everything. 

That's why I'm still here but not in the coffin. If your life has got nothing better to do, why do you even exist? You exist because of reasons. You need God to find out your reasons.

I know.

I need God. 

I Grow.

Yesterday I met my aunt in the airport. It was a tough one. I would tell you why. My phone has got not roaming. There was no WIFI in the airport, not even a single computer that I could reach WIFI. I panicked. I asked God, why did he do this to me, since I'd already experienced lots of ups and downs on that day. God provided me. I went to the public phone and realised I had no coins. I went to the Smith and saw there was SIM card selling. I was thrilled. I struggled with choosing the right SIM card, at the end, the seller told me there's WIFI in the airport. 

I went into the airport, but I still couldn't connect to the WIFI. I panicked again. I told you, it was tough. Then, I went into the Smith again and bought a candy to get changes in coins. I used that stupid, money cheater public phone. I could not reach my aunt. 

How should I find my aunt?

I prayed. Then I went into the airport. I was wandering around. God provided. I saw my aunt. I shouted and then I cried. That few minutes were the longest minutes I'd ever been through. I could promise. The moment when I was not even connected to anyone, in that situation. I had a trolley with two heavy luggage with me. God did a miracle. 

It has been 2 days since I stay in Australia. Yes, staying, at this moment of my life, I really hope that there would be a bunch of Malaysians appear in front of me. Or perhaps, my AUSMAT friends that I had never missed before, but now I do. I really miss them a lot. 

I wasn't having my brain with me this morning. I woke up early. I chose my twin's dress to wear. I looked into the mirror and I found my twin in the mirror. The nostalgic feeling filled the whole bathroom. I was swallow by the deep grief that I had. I started dropping tears. I wore the dress and walked to my University.

I'd done a lot of things today. 

I met a Nepal girl. She was very nice. I asked if she missed her family. She said yes. She told me she cried for 3 days. I wasn't shocked. I had a similar experience as her. We are family men. I think I would be a house-wife in the future. Not sure how I'll go. I just want my twin, at this moment. 

I thanked my aunt for everything she had done for me. She made me feel like there's hope for tomorrow. I really thank God for this aunt, an aunt that would not leave me alone in danger, but leave me to my friend for me to grow. 

I will grow strong.

I have planned to do many things tomorrow. I still can't bear with hearing my sister's voice. I can, but maybe my eyes can't. My eyes are as swollen as dumplings, I can tell you if you can't imagine. I hope I could stop crying one day. By the day, I would have known how to love God more. Because I might have kept Emily in my heart already that even if I may not see her, I still love her. That's how God's love works, isn't it? (Tears dropping out when I wrote this. )

I will grow stronger. 

I will grow stronger in God's words. I want to be rooted. I don't want to be attracted by the desires. I want the rules that shape me into a better me. God's rules do. 

I thank God for today, I thank God for yesterday, I thank God for everlasting life, I thank God for my AUSMAT friends whom I would never forget, I thank God for Emily. 

I thank God for life. (I smiled )

I took a selfie today! 

Separation

Being alone is the worst feeling ever.

I see people in different skin colour.  Some seem to be bonded with the other, while the other walking alone, or perhaps sitting alone. Loneliness fills in when you can’t find anyone to accompany. Loneliness is our best friend when we can’t find one.

It’s scary to be alone.

Things don’t change if you sit there by yourself and staring at different people around you. There’s no way for a spark in this dimension to have someone pops up in front of you and talk to you. We need connection.

I don’t know who to connect to.

WIFI connection for my phone seems so far away. I don’t give it a try anymore. I rest my mind in peace. I lay my mind down. It’s always good not to connect to anyone in your life. stare at my luggage and my back pack. I start to picture those things inside them being stolen by someone I don’t know. If by any chance my belongings are stolen, I’m gonna run and chase that man back. I’ll kick him and hit him. If only if I have the strength.

It’s good to have time to think about myself. Sometimes, I kind of being too immerse into the world that I involve in. I wonder what and how God thinks. Does he ever regret of making a human like me out? Does he think that I’ve gone too far away from him? Do I love Him more than loving myself?

I went to prayer meeting at my church last night. It wasn’t a fun one, but memorable. I’ll remember what I’ve done for the whole night. I kept trying to hold my breath and tears, in case it splits out from my mouth becoming a sigh and becoming waterfall that I am not able to turn it off. I had spent lots of time swallowing my saliva that caused by the whole nasal reacting system when I wanted to cry. Yes, I swallowed several times.

I can’t concentrate during the prayer meeting. Why did I even participate? I told myself that it was always good to turn to God whenever and for whatever. I turned to God. God knows me the most. He knows that I’m sad of leaving my twin alone in my home country. He knows that I worry a lot about her. He knows that we need to be detached from each other. He knows that time represents life. He knows that human like me needs him more than needing anyone. He knows that being a twin, I often place God as the 2^nd place in my heart, but my twin as the first. He knows that he is always the controller. I can’t bear things with my twin together. I can’t bear things with myself alone. I need God whenever, whatever and wherever.

Be hold to God, twin.

I cried in the end of the prayer meeting.

I don’t know why I even give in to the desire of letting out my tears. The moment when our friends, Rachel, asked everyone there to do a favour to pray about my twin and I, I lay my tears down. I can’t help crying. It’s as if the best medicine to turn a n-curve on my face to a u-curve. We cried together. Then we laughed.

It’s funny to have someone who looks like you to be a person that you always spend time with. One day, when God takes away one of us, I really have no idea what to do. I think by that time I’ll turn to God. (As I’m typing this, I literally cry on the chair I sat at the airport. I’m scared that everyone is looking at me. They must be wondering why I cry. ) It’s sad. The sadness may be like level of pain of couple being apart from each other. ( I’m not sure about this because I’ve never had a boy friend before. ) It’s as sharp as knife, as sad as the sinking of Titanic.

God provides.

Always will.

Elisa, read this when you're remorseful.

Sometimes, when I think about my future and my past, I feel restless.

It's as if there's an unplanned way for me to go. It's as dark as the night. I really have no idea where to head to. It's then until I have made a decision, a difficult one actually, then, I find a way out of the darkness. The decision is made without any big discussion. It's something that popped out in my mind one day, and my brain translated the information to my parents. They allowed it. There I go.

I wonder how many people out there studying Business like I do. At the least, I know some are doing property, finance and accounting. It's very devastating. I feel as if there is a wrecking ball hitting myself. You know, that kind of feeling that I can't have my feet stand on the ground. That's it! I feel the danger of competition. The little evil version of me keeps shouting inside my heart. All I hear is to be more hardworking, to fight, to win the competition.

I can't keep up with the fast pace that people around me have had. I want to get some rests, a real nice rest, the one that I can read tonnes of novels through the days and nights for years. It's impossible. I keep dreaming for being fed my my parents until the day God calls me home. But that's still impossible. That's why people want to be toddlers very much.

I don't want to be a toddler.

It's time to lay down everything to God. The moment when I think about God is the one who controls life and death. I lay out my breathe, a very long one. Every stone and weight in mind is taken away, and thrown into somewhere I will never go. At the moment, every thing seems so good and nice. It's the glory and creation of God that always amaze me. God has amazed me a lot, a lot.

I always forget how God has strengthened me.

FAQ: What am I studying?

It's just a few days away from the most thrilled day.

If you're my friends who are reading this, you might have known what this is all about. I'm heading to Aussie to further my studies.

A lot of people or friends have asked me about what I'm studying and where and when and... Let's get started with all the questions being answered!

HOW OLD AM I

I'm turning 19 this year. It will be my first birthday without my twin around me. That's exciting yet depressing. 

WHAT AM I STUDYING

I finished my "foundation" course last year 2015. I did commerce subjects and I struggled a lot. With the help of my genius friends and lecturers, I was able to get through the whole course. I'm now applying for my degree. My degree called Bachelor of Business ( Economics, Finance and Trade ). I really struggled in the subject Economics when I did my "foundation". But the more I have struggled, the more I want to challenge myself. That's why I get Economics as my degree. 

WHERE AM I STUDYING

I will keep it as a secret about what Uni I'm going. But, it's an Australian University. I'll be in Australia in the period of less that 1 month.

WHY OVERSEAS

Yes, I got this questions a lot of times. It's because I did not even do research on Local's Unis about Economics degree or any other Commerce degrees. So, that's why my only option is overseas. 

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SEPARATED FROM MY TWIN

Depressing at first. But we are not so emotional like about out twin relationship. I guess, we won't be Skype-ing everyday. I think we won't even Skype. 

I'm very worried about about my twin on the other side. I'm just scared that her friends would take advantages of her. As my job is always stopping others to take advantages on her, what I can do right now is to pray that whoever have read this will not take advantages of her. I don't want my twin to be bullied. 

DON'T I FEEL SCARED TO STUDY IN AUSSIE ALONE

Yes, I do feel scared some times in a while. I feel more exciting than being scared. My dad said that was a big improvement since I've always cried whenever I couldn't see my twin sister. My dad always told me to be brave. I guess, this would be the bravest time ever. 

I'm really scared of being involved in drinking or things like that. Still, I know God is always here with me.

WHERE WILL I BE STAYING AT 

Cool. My place would be approximately 1 kilometers away from my campus. I guess, I will walk to my Uni or maybe do cycling!

WILL I CONTINUE BLOGGING

Yes, definitely! I will keep writing blogs to get my friends in Malaysia updated! I'm thinking about starting a fashion blog or fashion page or photography page. Pretty much something like that. I wish I could sharpen my photography skill for the next three years!

DO/WILL I MISS ANYONE 

Frankly speaking, I don't miss any of my friends for now. I'm sure I'll miss them in a later time! 

HAVE I DONE MY DRIVING LESSON

No! I understand the fact that my sister has already gotten hers but I haven't is a strangest thing you guys have ever heard before. But not! Even with this three months holidays, I still haven't gotten my license. Keep calm, I'll move on.

That's pretty much all about what would happen in February. 

Thanks for reading!

Fashion

It can be tough to style sometimes.

I am not sure why I have been so obsessed with fashion since I was 12 years old. The shame that I felt would never be gotten away from. I remembered how being not appropriate for me to wear something that was not formal to a formal occasion.

At some point of my life, I think that I'm a little bit too exaggerate about my fascination towards fashion. Unlike fashion bloggers, or the cool kids that I have met in my life time, I don't really have a special style or fashion to follow. I just style up whatever I want. I just want my creativity and uniqueness to be shown through my outfits. Two years ago, I found myself being carried away by fashion. Instagram has become one of the major factor of me being passionate about styling up and creating fashion.

As soon as I deleted my Instagram account last year, I was able to cope for my studies. The closing down gave me a big impact. Since then, I didn't really fancy about photography, even if I asked to be twin model by one of my best photographer friend. It is weird. I have disconnected myself from the creativity that I used to have. I disconnected myself from the social media. Finally, I stopped chasing fashion, instead, I'm now walking down to a life path that I think I like. The path, that actually has different distractions. Probably, distractions that I have never experience before. I'm waiting for the life.

I have this sudden urge to write about fashion because I just finished reading some fashion blogs. I almost fainted when I saw the pictures of the fancy clothes. Every attire seems too crazy for normal people to wear. I mean, I have tried wearing something like a robe to college before, but this is way crazier!

Fashion is a blending of creativity, reality, psychology and culture.

I don't have any.

February!

I have spent my time in reading novels.

I am not sure if I'm doing the right things. I always feel being immersed in the context of the novels whenever I read them. The more I read, the more I find myself being taken away from Malaysia, into a piece of new land where everyone speaks English. 

I don't know why I love reading. I am scared that it is a desire, an irresistible desire. That scares me a lot, like a lot. Sometimes, I'll just tell myself to not touch the novels. I'm scared that I'll be polluted by the thoughts of the authors. That's my biggest fear when I read books. Never think that reading is a healthy activities, because not every book is healthy, not every book suits your religion.

There's always a fear swirling around my mind. I'm scared that one day, I am disconnected with God. I'm very scared of how much more desire traps that I'll be falling into. Or at least, how much traps I'll encounter. I think that's how Adam and Eve had felt once they sinned. They hid themselves, not wanting to let God know about what they had done. After all, I'm more like Adam, who was brave enough to tell God about what he had done. I don't want to be distracted by the desires. I don't know who on earth has the same problem as mine. I don't know if I'm the odd 19 year-old-girl who keeps thinking about what Satan will do to me. 

***

It's really great to look back what I have done last year. I feel old. 

I keep telling myself not to be like who I was, because I strongly need a change. A change that can change people around me. A change that can change my future. I didn't get good grades last year. I disappointed no one but myself. I seek for another life. I'm too excited about being in the first year of my degree. I can't wait to take the chance and explore. Things are too exciting. 

***

Yeap! Chinese New Year is around the corner. I'm pretty happy about meeting different kinds of people. I just want to have a holiday that everyone also has. I mean, who wants to be like me right now? My sister and I are having holidays, but no one else in the house has! 

Thanks for reading my mind, I really appreciate that!

February is Exciting

It has been a long while since I last posted.

I have been great. I am very grateful for everything. January was a thrilling month which I got to live together with my sister only. That was a quite tough job but we somehow made it through the end. We have gone back to our hometown last Monday. It was a so-so experience on plane. Before I forget, we met a well known producer of our hometown. We didn't say HI or get photos because 1st, that was weird and 2nd I usually do not react to those popular people when I see them.

It has been a great week in my hometown. Unlike having holiday alone with my sister in Kuala Lumpur, we didn't go to church every day like we used to do it in KL. We stayed at home but went to park for walk almost every day. I have stayed strong in doing workout by Blogilates. The workouts are intense and fulfilling. Those make you sweat a lot when you are doing and make you sore in the following morning. It's a Youtube channel that I refer to. I enjoy doing that a lot these days.

I have gotten everything ready for studying overseas except getting an accommodation. I was worrying for the whole last week until the student rooms department replied my email. I finally feel a sense of relief. But I'm still working on getting a good and suitable accommodation. I pray hard.

I'm very excited about getting my degree. It's exciting to wait for the first day of university. I always want to have a university life. The life that's tough as no family member will be there with me. I feel like getting the challenge. That's a battle of God and I with the world. I'm ready for this.

I somehow don't feel excited about celebrating Chinese New Year. What's in my mind are studying and getting into a new university. I guess things are all be in God's hands.

:)

A Hopeful Day

When we are young, we tend to think about the future.

I ain't sure how lonely I would be in the future. I'll be having no sisters tagging around me, I'll have to do things on my own, literally.

I have this strong urge to become a friend of everyone that I have met. 

This was what happened today.

I went to the city center of Malaysia by using train. I was freaking out because I was so scared of ISIS wandering around the city. I prayed as I went. I realised how weak I was because I was so afraid of death at that point of my life. I once prayed to God that, I would like to live until 18 years old because I wanted to experience the life as a college student. Today, I was so afraid that God would take an action of killing me. I was so scared. 

I found out how silly I was. 

Things got better after praying to God. I told my sister to study hard and continue her life, if I died. She replied with a question, asking me why was I so hopeless. I told her that I wasn't hopeless, but I was too hopeful that I could die peacefully. I thought of how simple life was.

I didn't die.

It was a hopeful day. 

I GOT ACCEPTED

It's 2016.

It's been a week since the first day of new year, I guess there are lots of people busy going through their hectic lifestyles. 

I'm thankful that I still have this so called long holidays before I start my Year 1 in university. I'm very excited to join my university, I can't wait to make new friends and crunch new books. 

Looking back when I was so anxious applying for the university, I felt like laughing at myself. I was worried about the rejection from the university. I was embarrassed about my results because I didn't expect it to be so bad ( but I'm still glad that my course doesn't have high requirement ). 

I used to regret about my career choice. I thought it was the worst thing I had got in my life. I watched Marvel cartoon a couple of days ago. It reminded me of the Marvel movie that I watched with my friends. Unlike the others who discussed about the super power and how wonderfully violent the movie turned out, I was amazed by the intelligence that the writer of the Marvel put into his characters. The whole movie had emphasised the importance of scientists and engineers.

I have literally a family full with physics geeks. I do have father and sisters, brother-in-laws who are engineers! Imagine every time when we have family dinner, the whole family talks about physics. That is literally happening in my family.

Apart from that, I felt really pressured to persue my career. Being the only non-science family member, I felt ashamed. I felt like as if I'm illiterate. God knows everyone has different ways in life. I understand that. I try hard to remember what I have learnt in the past 2 years when physics was my glory. 

***

The day when I got an email saying that I was accepted by my current university, I was so delighted! I couldn't imagine what I would be if I was not accepted. For your information, I only applied to one university. I had the whole world of time to apply for different universities, but I chose to apply for one. Yes, that's me. The silly one who risked herself to worry.

So, here's a quick update. I'm studying a business degree. It's a fun degree I guess. From the course outline, I find it interesting and a bit professional. I like it very much. X

Why a fashion designer?

Things are getting more interesting in my life. 

It's only the third day of the year, I have already written two blog posts. I don't know how I will continue this blog. The plan of closing down is blog is in my head. I have allocated too much time on writing blog instead of doing other stuff. Is writing this blog a waste of time?

I find myself loving the feeling of reading. Reading makes me rethink about myself. It's a really exhausting non physical activity. If a person constantly reads, she might not be able to live a life. I'm currently into this type of situation. I find it easier to just immerse myself into the world of words instead of the world of humans. Is that an obsession? Obsession can lead to a serious problem. People might not pay attention to other things any more. What they do will be plainly focusing on what they obsessed with. Yes, in my condition, I think it's too pitiful for me to be obsessed with things like that.

***

Tell you a little testimony. It's a testimony of God shaping my character and my mind. You might find it a bit ridiculous, but bear with this testimony.

People who know me since I was young know that I have this little dream, which is becoming a fashion designer. It's easier to say than to be. As all of us know that fashion designer means to be popular, even more popular than the models. Popularity was what I looked for. No one knew that was my only purpose of being a fashion designer. Like other teens, I opted to have a prosperous life. A life that shines. I wanted a life like Taylor Swift who has her own shoes product line, I wanted a life like Gisele Bunche who engages with many brands and eventually comes out with her own shoe line too. I want to be like Coco Channel who changed the whole fashion industry until today. I wanted to be famous. I wanted the world knew about my name. 

I won't.

I was struggling with my parents when we discussed about my carrier path. They strongly disagreed with it. I knew why, but I stood still on my own position. 

That was when I knew how important my parents have been in my life. A life without them is a life that I can't even imagine. It would be totally a mess, a mess that I couldn't even think about it. 

I didn't change my ambition immediately. I stopped caring about it. And here comes my life path to a very 'business' one. I'm not sure is this a correct one, but I once told myself that I would do everything that's favourable in God. 

I stop seeking for popularity.
X

New Day

Humans always live in regrets. 

I often give myself a remark on what and how I have done. It's true that I keep on watching myself making mistakes, being silly. I have lots of thoughts that I want to share. I always think out loud. 

I asked myself, what's my new year resolution? I find myself being lazy to even think about one or two. After all, I have experienced lots of comments that I have given to myself. I know that correcting or giving myself a new year resolution are never enough to even make me become a better person. A new year resolution? I would say yes, everyday resolution is better. 

How much time does all of us spend on doing things that we are not supposed to do? How much time do we actually care about people around us? How much time do we use to love ourselves? Are we spending too much time on loving ourselves instead of the others? 

What's your new year resolution?

***

I got myself a new hair cut last Sunday. I found it very funny, I literally laughed at myself in front of the mirror. What could be worse than having a bad hair cut? Feeling good about myself is even worse, I would say. I reflect to myself. I find myself being too boastful about how I look or even what I'm studying. Things that I have done have not been better after all! It's always not too late to realise I'm not perfect, I'm very weak. 

I have these thoughts are all because of my results. My results was out 3 days ago. I was astonished by it! I never thought I would get such results. It was below my expectation. I didn't cry about it, but I thank God that at least everything I did last year was blessings from God. I thank God. 

I didn't pay much attention to my studies last year. I promise myself to use my time wisely this year. Perhaps, I should start today. Things might get better. 

I have lots of new year a.k.a. everyday resolutions. I wrote down in a list of an A4 paper. Those things are pretty pressuring. I have to get those things done and I have to keep in mind of all of them! I have one bible verse as my 2016 year's topic. I'm going to live with this verse for the whole year. Dissecting the list that I have written, I have every resolution with a verse. The resolution is not like what I used to write. This time, I get a more flexible and abstract one for myself. 

I don't know if anyone would read my blog. I strongly recommend you to really start every day like how you start every year. The enthusiasm and sophisticated feelings should always be in everyday! 

Let's live every day to the fullest!

Say Goodbye to Yesterday

How many years can I still live for?

I participate in my church caroling team. Singing has always been a difficult task for me, but I still give it a try. Knowing to be the youngest adult in the caroling group, I feel so much overwhelmed with how much I have grown. I'm no longer a kid. I'm never gonna be a kid anymore. 

Talking about aging, it's always two types of accepting your age, embracing wholeheartedly, or you can be worrying about it. 

I used to think that I'm still a kid who can throw tantrum, who still can use the excuse of mood swinging. But no, I'm never going back to the stage. I have to live. If there's no tomorrow, I live for today.

Humans can be a bit depressed when it comes to the year end. They find out how much they have spent for the year through reorganizing their belongings. Like me, I just checked out how many pieces of clothes I have bought. I'm pretty amazed with the fact, because I bought too many. It's a sad fact, because I know I have to correct myself so that I won't allocate much money on clothing next year. 

2015 was not a difficult year compared to 2014. My overall intellectual level has not risen this year ( I think so ). But I have jumped out from my comfort zone and met lots of new people with my awkward personality. There are lots of times when I was ignored by people when I say a HI. Despite of the ignore by people, I still did it. I think that's the 2015 Elisa, who broke her records of getting new friends herself. 

Another big improvement I did was getting closer to God. This couldn't be done without the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank God for this! 

There's just never going to repeat what had happened yesterday.
Growing is the grace of God.
Getting old is the blessing of God.
I thank God.

How books harm.

I just finished one book this morning. 

Holidays with the companion of novels are the nice holidays I have had. Every time when I have a long holidays, I will make sure I have shopped a few books in the book store so that I can have them during my free time. 

I always choose the easy ones to read. Often, when I buy a book, I'll first look at its cover page. I like the one with nice graphic. Now, you can say I judge the book by its cover. If an author really wants its book to be well published, I guess, he or she might also take part in the cover page, and make it as beautiful as the writing. Then, I will see who the authors are. Sometimes, I am really fed up with romance kind of books, they describe how both parties are attracted to each other. I just pray that God can cleanse my mind.

Then, I find the level of harm in reading books. 

Books were written with lots of ideologies. The author always makes sure that what he or she believes are well written in the book. Therefore, book can be just all about bullshit if you don't think the theory written is what you believe. But most of the youngsters who read lots of books prefer to follow what were written. Because words are so deceiving. 

I think about how the world can be deceiving too. Or I would rather say it is deceiving. 

Ideologies about protecting yourself or chasing for nonsense human rights are critical sometimes. That really scares me. I used to be one of those feminists who stand up for bullied girls. I debated like a mad dog, winning for pride. I hardly believe how the world threat girls like animals, stripping off their hearts or minds like gradually stripping off their skins. 

Then I get to know that people say that some feminists are girls who feel lonely with no guys loving them. I nearly forget I have got a little brother too.

By here I don't mean I'm one of them or what. I just realise how much time I have been spending on to fight for something that is so critical. Understanding myself is so much harder than understanding others, because I only get to see myself in the mirror during morning and night. 

Things get better when you trying to know who control over things. It's like going into a castle. You'll never know what actually had happened in the past in each room unless you get to have a conversation with the ones who were living inside the castle. Though you might have known something about the castle, you might not know if that's true. God makes the world clear. 

I wonder how I could stand still on my own perspectives and beliefs when I read this book about Tarot and afterlife. I managed to finish the book. I was amazed by the author with her twisting story lines and imperfect characters she sketched. Those books make me understand about others' beliefs.

***

There's nothing more difficult than understanding the will of God. For human to understand something that are beyond our levels, I feel like surrendering myself. 

But at least I know that God has His power on everyone.