A change.

There is a strong urge in my telling that I should write this down. I have to share it with whoever I love, regardless of genders.

I have been in a struggle of setting the boundaries between my opposite gender and I. 

It has been hard for me to make friends since I was young. It probably due to the fact that I always have a partner, perhaps, everyday friend by my side. I had never felt lonely. This mate of mine helped me a lot, in everywhere. I might have relied on her too much to the point where I might have unintentionally worshiped her. 

Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend till today. 

I start shifting my center of my life purpose to another. 

***

Knowing that separation is hard, I prayed to God. I pray when I'm alone. He has become a part of my life. He takes charge of my life. I need him in my life. 

***

The hardest thing to learn is to lay down my own decisions to the altar of God. It is hard. It is really hard.

I have gotten this addiction of worshiping money last year, or perhaps, many years ago. I liked the sense of buying new clothes. I liked being called fashionable. I liked being the centre of the attention. It was true enough that I had become an attention seeker. I seek for love everywhere from everyone. 

I used to be a low self esteem person who couldn't look into others' eyes when they spoke. I felt insecured. I thought I was a low class person. As I gradually changed my behaviour and the inner side of myself, I started to be more outgoing. Perhaps, this is the reason why you have known me as a person who is joyous and who laughs and makes people fall into the world of happiness. I tried to make tonnes of jokes in the early stage of my changing life. This further transformed me to who I'm today, the one that does silly things to make people laugh without knowing how silly I have gone. 

They call it humorous. 

Every happy story has a scare on the main character. We know that in our heart. We have scare in our life. We dare not tell.

***

I am scared of being not loved by people. I make myself more available to others. I love locking others' eyes in my eyes, as if I know their future, I know what they want, I know their desires, I know what are burried down inside their hearts. I love the feelings of it. 

Little did I know, it was actually an adultery.

Engaging people by locking their eyes in mine has become the most powerful way of me locking their hearts (well, at least, that's what I thought). It is awful.

It is really awful.

***

Today, I, tell myself, and I tell God that I will, bow down, and let him take away my shameful heart, my adultery behavior. 

Prayer:

Lord, there's no way I could control myself anymore, it's all your authority. I love writing, I love telling people about how much you have done for me. I want to commit myself, my heart, and my behavior to you. Everything I say will be your will. Everything I do, I will do with you. Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have changes again and again. Humble me in your words, humble me to serve the people around me knowing that my body is yours, not any guys' not anyone's. I will serve you wholeheartedly, with all my mind, my soul and my heart. 

In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.