Grow up

Too many things to bother about. Loving people is hard, harder than I thought.

You see how much of the good things turn into darker shades of things. You start to wonder if you have done the right thing.

Always being asked to grow up.

Nice.

Are we seeing too much of ourselves in the story of our lives?

The Underage Thief

The last semester of my first year is ending. I am here, sitting in front of UniSA computer, wondering how much I have grown, how much I have learnt throughout the year of 2016. 

Life is just a classroom, everyday is like a battle. 

Today I realise that being too open about my intellectual property might be as dangerous as a baby holding a knife. It has a high tendency to harm others and myself. 

Different individuals chase different dreams. 

There are lots of realisation. I realise being active in sharing information is not a good thing. Eventually, you will think that the whole world knows you more than you know yourself. When I invite people into my life, I am opening the others' secrets without permission. 

It is then, I realise asking for permission is a courtesy. It is an act of politeness. The politeness that I would never understand.

***

I am young, bold and wild. 

I always mix up ignorance and arrogance. When I was younger, I thought they were the same meaning. But things appear alike do not mean they are the same. Everything is never as it seems. 

I steal.

I steal people's inner feelings. That is the reason why I love expressing my feelings, thoughts and knowledge. It is just like how the ancient market works. You trade your excess with others' excess. That is why I love Economics. I love trading, trading information that that people have, trying to analyse the value of the information, trying to earn something out of it. I call myself business minded. That is just a better saying of money minded. I laugh.

Grow. 

I wanted to talk about growth. I mean economic growth can sound equally exciting as personal growth. I then realise growth has the same meaning as development. Development sounds exciting? It sounds like building a high-rise. I guess, the developer must have had the same feeling as how a woman feels after giving birth to his first child. 

It is the development that we want to see from ourselves. 

The golden period that we were once in was a part of our memories. We try hard to make it happen again. That is why we are always busy during the days and nights. Relentless routine that we have got ourselves stuck in. I like how we like to run our lives like a guinea pig or a hamster running on the 2- pie-r (2πr) treadmills. Promising forever is a bullshit, everyone eventually has that last breathe to catch. 

How much have I actually grown? 

I still express myself in the most genuine way. I still take people's intangible assets from their brains. They voluntarily open their brain boxes after hearing my persuasion. Then, I take their things out. I put them into my brains. 

I steal. 

Growing up doesn't sound fun. You learn to buy more lockers to lock up your brain. You learn to choose what to feel, when feeling is just like breathing. Remember that everyone has that last breathe to catch? Try choose not to breathe. 

X 

The guy in my life.

There is a guy in my life. 

He speaks wisdom that I always deny. 

We used to jog together frequently. It all started by his body's red alarm. The readings on his sphygmomanometer are always an artificial heart attack to him. As soon as he reported them to his wife, the red figures would next be a news for the whole family. Every child of him has prayed hard to God. They know by heart of how much he means to them. 

That was why we jogged. 

Jogging seems a way to lower the figures showed on the sphygmomanometer, at least that is what he thinks.

We jogged as often as we could, sometimes after my class, sometimes after his work. I jogged with a purpose of keeping fit. He bought a new pair of running shoes for me. I chose the shoes. It was on sale. I knew by my heart that I would only let him to buy something that was on sale. 

I jogged very slow. Sometimes I could not keep up with his pace. I pushed myself to go forward, because the incentive of being like a stick man thin barbie doll was greater than my mental suffocation. We jogged together. 

The routine lasted long. It was long enough that on one occasion, I started to realise that I was no longer the on the same pace as him. I slowed down. We had to go together. 

I felt a little force pressed on my heart, water started to contaminate in my eyes. 

He said with exhaustion, "Elisa, you can go first".

I shook my head. The chemical compound called H2O nearly dripped down on my cheek. I held it back. 

There is a guy in my life. 

He pays for my everything that I can't pay for.

Thanks dad.

(Left to right: mum, brother, sister, sister, sister, dad

Behind the camera: Elisa)

Happy Father's Day:)

The Silent Sound.

I have that simple destiny to head off to. 

When it's like a bizarre, self help is never gonna help. 

I'm a Christian, reading the Bible everyday, knowing by brain that God is always looking after me. I used to read a lot of story books, trying to find social philosophy out of them. These days, watching YouTube is my hobby because it is as addictive as Pokemon Go. 

I always know what to do for everyday as I always have my daily planner telling me what to do for the day. The schedule I have had, have never changed since the past 2 years. I involve myself in church or 'Christian' events a lot. 

It has become a routine of mine, and a way of mine to serve God. I feel pressured every time I'm on the job. I know, I'm a Christian, have to have Christ-like characters. The pressure of being a soft spoken person, serving people regardless of their ethnicity and being able to help people whenever they are in need.

I'm not soft spoken, but I'm a big trumpet. I'm always judging people by how they look like, or they act, then I tell myself not to judge. I'm very 'sexist' when I'm helping people, because I'm scared being trapped in with guys. I'm reluctant to help people when I have planned to study efficiently for the whole day.

I'm selfish. 

I'm always depressed when I see people getting attention from someone, because I love being like the disco ball in a club, the shinny, shimmering, glittered light, the center of sight of everyone. I love captivating everyone into my that one and truly unique U-shape smile. I love drawing that kind of U-shape line on my face. 

I always seek for myself. That's what people nowadays called self-help. It's as if I'm trying to carry myself so that I will not touch the ground. 

I'm in the midst of letting go my pride, the pride that makes me feel low in self esteem, the pride that makes me think that God is my servant, I can command Him with prayers whenever I want, the pride that crowns me with ugliness and self-pitied character, the pride that always makes me feel disconnected with brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I'm laying down my pride, I write for Him, because He has given me the ability to type and write, because He has given me the opportunity to post it online, because He has given me abundant of things, because I'm always His no matter how many crowns and flowers I have or I have not received from the world. 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to god and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. ( James 4:7-10)

I tried too hard to be a Christian by taking step 1 to '0000 of steps. 

He does, I follow. Simple but complicated, slowly but too slow. Focus and trust. 

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a  brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. ( James 4:11)

Brothers and sisters are willing to help, we are together.

We have that simple destiny to head off to.

That little dream.

"What is your biggest fear?"

"Animals." 

No, I reckon I have more than one fear, the fear of being unsecured, abandoned. All these, I call them loneliness. 

The feeling of being away from the safest area, isolated by others. The feeling that makes you want to flee away from wherever to somewhere you call the safe paradise. 

I seek for securities whenever I go. I realise whenever I go jogging alone, I insist myself bringing that super flat yet bulky phone of mine on my hand. I always have it on my hand. It's the fear of losing contact with the big world in my phone that attaches my phone with my hand. I, therefore, end up jogging with the phone on my hand unchanging for more than 20 minutes. Whenever I feel like giving up, I will unlock my phone home screen and checking if there is any exciting notification. It is as if I'm consuming energy bar from my phone. Or to be exact, the little world in my phone. 

There are a lot of times, you (yes it's you) feel super awkward in a party or perhaps small group talk, you start to panic. Then, here comes your phone, the little world that you can participate in, and never feel awkward. You search your phone through any where. That instance when you recognise the familiar shape, you gentle take it out. Then, you find yourself swiping the phone screen.

Soon, you realise you have the contradicting feelings when you play your phone. You kind of want to pull yourself away from the phone but there is this invisible force that pulls you back, as if it whispers to you in a deep, calming voice - don't be scared, I'm here.

Yea, we always need someone, or something to accompany us. That's the reason why we are so desperately thinking of getting our true-one, hunting he or she like a hungry eager which is weary and has starved for 5 days. 

***

Yea, I wish there was someone to turn up to my face and whisper to me just like how my phone whispers to me,  

"Dear, don't be scared, I'm here."

***

Yea, that little dream. 

Poor // Rich

On the Google search tab, I typed 'dignity' and pressed the enter button on the key board. A tap sound was heard, the screen turned white.

Man Up, Thumb's Up. (Taken 2013)

I have done this more than 3 times. Ever since last year, I have heard 'dignity', read it on a random Facebook article and probably saw it on a creative ads. 

***

I have no idea how many friends of mine are suffering from financial burden. Yes, I'm talking about money, the one that we give someone to exchange something back. How much we have valued things with money. 

I grew up learning that dad work hard to make money to feed every single family member. I have always pictured the money being banked in by his company to his bank account, then he takes out the money and further divides it into more than 7 portions (yes, he owns cars!). I have always wondered how much he actually earns.

We used to go to Tesco during my high school time. I took grocery shopping as the most shameful shopping I had ever done on earth. But, thanked God, my friends, like me, they hardly even got out to be in Tesco, so there was no way I would encounter them. Yes, I was too social conscious. 

I would volunteer pushing the trolley, moving bags of fruits and milks into our big giant like SUV car. I always had that little disappointment whenever I went shopping with family. I always wished to have a big brother who could help my dad to do the man work. 

No, there would never be.

So, I 'man' up.

Because I couldn't stand looking an aged 50 plus years old man going grocery shopping with a whole gang of ladies and a baby boy, pushing trolley weighed more than he weighed. 

My father, my hero.

After 'man'-ing up, he would refuse my request. I guess, that was (is) how much he loved (loves) me. I would, then, insist on doing the heavy work. And, I always win.

***

I guess, that's why 'man'-ing up has become a part of my habit. Unlike other girls, I always stand up to do the heavy work. 

***

Once I was in my tutorial class for this subject called 'Business and Society' (B&S). My tutor wanted to use the white background curtain like screen (the one that LCD is projected on, I can't remember what it is called). It was rolled up, and she couldn't reach to pull it down. Because it was B&S, it was supposed to be 25 students, but there were only 2 girls (including myself) and a guy. When she was about to pull a chair with her and planned to stand on it, I had this thought. 

I could stand on the chair and help her pull that down.

I couldn't. I was wearing short skirt.

I helplessly sat at where I was. My eyes witnessed the whole progress. 

***

So, what's dignity?

We are human, we have Butt

Once I heard this, 

' Some of the feminists are feminists because they hate men, as there are no men in favour of them.'

I ain't sure how true it is, but let's move on to this little story of her.

***

It was a sunny day when I walked to my uni one day! As usual, I had to cross over to traffic lights in order to cross diagonally. I waited at the traffic light, waiting for the red man to turn green. 

There was a woman (I think she is slightly older than me, let's call her the girl) standing in front of me. I was wondering where she would head to. She was in her workout legging pants and a hoodies (I couldn't remember what she was wearing as her top). She carried lots of stuff with her, including her bag.

When the red man turned green, we both crossed the road. Her pace was slightly faster than mine (I ain't sure if I was too slow or she was too fast). She successfully crossed the road, and continued to walked ahead. 

There was this guy (with dark colour skin) walking passed her.

I was still crossing the road like a turtle. (Don't judge my speed)

He turned his head and stared at her butt. 

I thought it was a sunny day. 

***

So then, whenever I pass through any guy on the road, I will pull my shirt down to cover my butt.

We need God.

The Ugly Truth

"You have never enjoyed your life, living inside the box, you're so afraid of taking chances, how're you gonna reach the top?"

I haven't been updating my blog for a really long time. But trust me, there is always this little voice telling me, "Elisa, write something!", "Perhaps, you can write about today." Yes, I do, I had had 5 drafts with only 3 sentences. I question myself if I'm really capable in sharing out my blessed life through words in the unbounded world. Writing turns into a big back pack for me to hike the mountain of my life journey. I've fear of wearing it on my back, I'm terrified with telling people about the inner ugly side of me. 

Humans are always ugly.

Once I was walking on the street back to my flat. It was supposed to a street with busy human traffic. Because I was walking late night, there were only few pedestrians on the street, and a homeless. It was a windy night, everyone was covered with few layers of clothes, except the homeless. He had a bubble tea cup placing directly in front of him. The cup was quarterly filled with coins. 

I told myself, "give him something, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." I continued walking, I even walked passed him. I couldn't remember if I had prayed or not. But I did ask God for wisdom to share what had have in a sentence. I ended up being in a Chinese bread shop. I bought a bread (it was so expensive!), and I turned my way to the homeless. I gave the bread to him. 

"God bless you," he said. 

"Jesus loves you." I babbled.

He was holding a lit cigarette in between his index and middle fingers in the very next morning.

Humans are always ugly.

That's why, we need God.

05.06.16

  

Consolidation mode: ON.

Twin >> 5 Things that We've Learnt From The Separation

Life is full of wonders and amazing adventure. 

There was this idea popped out from my mind. I wanted to do a collaboration with my twin. I sent her this topic: 5 things that you've learnt from being separated from me. She agreed to do it with me! Here we go! 

Emily

1) Having more interaction with peers

I used to always relying on my twin and rarely engaging with the others. I started to make friends with people in my course, be more engaged in their lives. I'm now having my own gang of friends. 

Elisa

1. Friends are important.

There are times when I have no idea who to turn to when I face every day problem. A message back to my twin does not always get instant response. Friends, who are on the same piece of land as me are more responsive? Most of the time I'm probably hanging out with friend at the moment.

Emily

2) Accept things are to be faced alone

The presence of my twin has always been a barrier for me to be independent and face the reality by myself. It's struggle for me to cope with everyday life alone, it is so strange. 

Elisa

2. Realising that I still have a lot to learn.

Emily was always the one who did the cleaning up for our room, while I did the laundry. The separation set me to be more accountable with the setting of my room. And I found out that laundry was never a problem of mine even if I had to do it on my own.

Emily

3) Being able to drive alone around City centre

My twin used to being with me all the time I drove, especially going to the city centre. All this while, I started to explore new routes to go home from school. It's scary but I managed to get home early!

Elisa

3. Selfie camera is finally useful.

There was always my twin who helped me to take photos (even when I was reluctant to be in the photo). I critised those who took selfie as people who were lonely and needed the social media attention very much. And yes, now, when I take selfie, I crave for someone to be by my side, or at least, take random pic of mine.

Emily

4) Waking up in the morning by my own

I was always waken up by my twin! She was like my alarm. Nowadays, I always set alarm clock in my phone. I get up super early everyday and never miss any of my class. What's more, I get to do my 20 to 30 minutes devotion every morning. 

Elisa

4. I'm, afterall, not that special.

Growing up being known as a twin was a grant from God. Everyone would have that odd or envious look when we met them. I used to promise Emily that I wouldn't reveal my twin identity to whoever I meet here. But now, I am a loud speaker who always declares myself as a twin even if people have no interest in who I am.

Emily

5) Everyone is lonely and we all need people

I always wanted to have my own time, in other words, I was very selfish to spend time with others because I thought we all needed to enjoy the loneliness. But now, I feel what loneliness really means. It means you don't have anybody else to stick with and indeed absolute freedom is given. 

Elisa

5. I can live without anyone. 

The first few days of separation were hard for me. It was as if I got one side of my lung cut off from my body. Breathing, walking, studying, practically everything was hard. Eventually, the Bible, prayers and God have become real God in my life. I learnt that God is the only one who will never leave me.

***

Upholding to God has become what that we really focus on. 

To be loved, as to love.
X

Holding on

Holding tight to my belief has become a struggle when I'm constantly being distracted by the world around me. 

I hate how people always blame money or friends for the consequences that they bear. Being accountable to responsibilities and to yourself is no longer something that you can blame others for. I learn this through a hard time last year. I wept, I cried for empathy, I longed for little bit of love to be shared to me. 

You'll never get over it, unless you realise you're on your own. 

***

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

How much, we have been relying of others? 

We need relationships.

A change.

There is a strong urge in my telling that I should write this down. I have to share it with whoever I love, regardless of genders.

I have been in a struggle of setting the boundaries between my opposite gender and I. 

It has been hard for me to make friends since I was young. It probably due to the fact that I always have a partner, perhaps, everyday friend by my side. I had never felt lonely. This mate of mine helped me a lot, in everywhere. I might have relied on her too much to the point where I might have unintentionally worshiped her. 

Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend till today. 

I start shifting my center of my life purpose to another. 

***

Knowing that separation is hard, I prayed to God. I pray when I'm alone. He has become a part of my life. He takes charge of my life. I need him in my life. 

***

The hardest thing to learn is to lay down my own decisions to the altar of God. It is hard. It is really hard.

I have gotten this addiction of worshiping money last year, or perhaps, many years ago. I liked the sense of buying new clothes. I liked being called fashionable. I liked being the centre of the attention. It was true enough that I had become an attention seeker. I seek for love everywhere from everyone. 

I used to be a low self esteem person who couldn't look into others' eyes when they spoke. I felt insecured. I thought I was a low class person. As I gradually changed my behaviour and the inner side of myself, I started to be more outgoing. Perhaps, this is the reason why you have known me as a person who is joyous and who laughs and makes people fall into the world of happiness. I tried to make tonnes of jokes in the early stage of my changing life. This further transformed me to who I'm today, the one that does silly things to make people laugh without knowing how silly I have gone. 

They call it humorous. 

Every happy story has a scare on the main character. We know that in our heart. We have scare in our life. We dare not tell.

***

I am scared of being not loved by people. I make myself more available to others. I love locking others' eyes in my eyes, as if I know their future, I know what they want, I know their desires, I know what are burried down inside their hearts. I love the feelings of it. 

Little did I know, it was actually an adultery.

Engaging people by locking their eyes in mine has become the most powerful way of me locking their hearts (well, at least, that's what I thought). It is awful.

It is really awful.

***

Today, I, tell myself, and I tell God that I will, bow down, and let him take away my shameful heart, my adultery behavior. 

Prayer:

Lord, there's no way I could control myself anymore, it's all your authority. I love writing, I love telling people about how much you have done for me. I want to commit myself, my heart, and my behavior to you. Everything I say will be your will. Everything I do, I will do with you. Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have changes again and again. Humble me in your words, humble me to serve the people around me knowing that my body is yours, not any guys' not anyone's. I will serve you wholeheartedly, with all my mind, my soul and my heart. 

In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

Re: set

My identity was lost, but now it is found. 

Unlike the others, I feel strongly unprotected while studying abroad. Everyone tells me that I would be fine. Everyone says that studying abroad, means without the guidance of parents, has freed them from illogical rules and regulations. 

I, set more rules to myself than my parents setting for me. 

Being alone means that I have full authority towards my time. Whatever I desire, I can fulfill it whichever way. I ended up signing up for Easter Camp organised by Overseas Christian Fellowship SA.

I start to adapt the new environment. I start to take charge of myself, my action, my words, my behaviors, and my being. It is exhausting. I was a princess in my family, the one that only washes dishes and does laundry (you know, put the clothes into the washing machine). I considered myself doing house chores. 

I end up being a messy person here.

My mind is messed up with more than 10 tasks that I do everyday, my body parts work for different things at the same time, my bedroom is literally a translation of my mind. My minds are everywhere. 

It's not until I attended this camp, which I learnt to be more organised in my mind. 

It's not a joke, though people learn to love God more, or turn back to God, etc, I learnt to be more organised? 

I would never forget, I was telling the committee that I had no towel for showering. That embarrassing moment set me to a rigid mind. I was busily checking out what were inside my bags, and I couldn't sense any towel-like material in the bag. It was an awful experience. 

Glory to the Lord, E-Camp was full of amazingly helpful people, Ivy, especially, helped me throughout the whole post "reckless behavior" situation. I managed to get showers.

It was the next morning that I found myself being reckless again. 

I simply put my lanyard in one of the bags that I brought. I brought lots of bags (shame, I called myself a refugee), and the bags had lots of pockets. Imagine my lanyard was in one of the pockets, and I didn't expect myself had put it in that pocket. Bam! 10+ minutes in the morning was gone, because I couldn't find my lanyard. 

When I recklessly do something, and never think about the after effect, everything messes up. 

Sometimes, our minds would just follow what would be the best for the situation now, but forget of how a simple decision could be a tragedy in our lives. We might consider cutting down a short little time for God would not affect much of our lives.

I, did, regretted of what I had done. But I still did it on the next day. I ended up wasting 10 minutes of my life. Resetting my bad behaviours takes a long time. Resetting my reckless vision of love requires time. 

However.

I just heard the sound of shooting gun. 

I'm ready to run.

You and I: Part I

Believe or not, we are all searching the 'you' in our lives. 

In fact, we are searching for the 'you' everyday. It makes us restless. It's relentless. 

It is as if our lives' purpose is to get a life companion. Admit it, all of us feel lonely, sometimes. Sometimes, you wish to have someone being by your side. There might be no words exchanged. The presence of 'you' is enough. The presence of 'you' wins the whole world. It's a feeling of 'I just need 'you''.

Perhaps, that's why you and I are searching for a life mate. It's not as easy as buying a life companion (Samsung phones), it is time and energy consuming. It's seldom that these factors would hold us back from the desire to love. We love challenges, don't we? 

Almost, everyone, is excited for a new start. You feel as if being in a new environment is the best thing ever. It is the moment that you have been longed for. But, why? Because you want to get rid of your old habits, because you want to get rid of the loneliness that the older you experienced, because you want a whole different life with a genuine friend. You want a story that is written by both of you.

How many new starts can you have?

On the other hand, you might also wish for meeting new people, those who just start new. Later, you find out that you are actually not longing for a new start or a change, you're waiting for a new experience. You are long for a ''You' and I' experience. The one that belongs to only both of you.

***

I like how Reverend Dr. Stephen Tong's sermon went. I once attended one of his sermons in KL this year January. I have loved how he described the relationship of 'Thou' and I. It was breathtaking. 

When we were young (now imagine yourself as a little kid figure), we had been depending on our mothers. Every time when problem making us cry, mother was our rescuers. Our life circles were too small that only 'Thou' (our moms) and us. We cried in our hearts when moms were driving away from our kindergartens. We cried when there were only us on the isle of the supermarket. We wanted our moms to be by our sides, we wanted the care and love from her. She is the 'Thou'.

As we grew older, we found out that our moms weren't the smartest, weren't the perfect ones. The 'Thou', therefore, changed from moms, to our dads, then our teachers, our lecturers, our peers. 

Our 'Thou' changes. We later realise that 'Thou' is too hard to be found.

Till now, we are still searching the 'Thou'.

'Thou', where are you?

How does love work?

I like how romantic stories go. I believe that in real life, we, at least, will experience one of that sudden melt in our hearts when our eyes lock together, until we lay at the coffin, and one of us saying good bye to the other.

I believe love is far beyond that. It's the infinity sign that we've drawn with our finite hands. 

Love is what 1 Corinthian 13 is talking about. 

Love is everlasting. 

1 Corinthian 13 is far more romantic than the 5-seconds-but-feels-like-forever-heart-melting eyes locking . It's more than 4 Dimensions. It has no time constrains.

Because it's love.

***

Sometimes, I feel like shutting myself down from the world. 

My mind triggers a lot about relationships these days. Being alone is a trial, a challenge. The sudden absence of a personal photographer at this stage of my life has set me into learning selfie. I take photos of myself. I smile big enough to make sure I'm in my best condition. My muscle contracts, and makes 16-teeth-out smile. Sometimes, I have to tidy my hair a little bit to make sure everything look perfect. 

Nothing is perfect, bro.

Let's talk about hangout with friends.

The lonelier you feel, the more you feel like hanging out with friends for every free time you have. That's me for the past few weeks. Boredom doesn't fill in the room of emptiness in my heart, it's the lack of people's love emerges. The absence is massive. You feel like connecting yourself with your phone every hour, every second, because that's the only way you can feel connected, you can feel loved. It's not boredom, it's the absence of love that you feel.

So, I posted a photo with caption. I've been thinking a lot about the grown-up world. Knowing that I'm no longer a kid, I have the strong urge to be stronger while living in a community with different kinds of people. I'm always terrified by interacting with people whom I'm not familiar with. Don't call me a liar, I think I end up dealing pretty well with new faces. I can see myself involving in business in the future. 

I strongly felt what I'd written for the caption about love. I've seen, or perhaps, felt, too much about how people craving for different kinds of love. Dealing with different fundamental meanings of love can be hard. No, it's really hard. 

Hardship goes on and on when there are misunderstanding and misconceptions about different beliefs and what not. I guess, I'm overthinking about the consequences, but isn't it good to think about the consequences as it's an action of caring about the future?

That sounds like we always have tomorrow, but actually we don't. Now I'm finding myself contradicting with myself. Aren't we supposed to love our love ones like we're gonna lose them? How does love work? 

God knows. 

Too competitive? I'm not good enough?

I've just finished reading a chapter of my course book. It's a special book because it talks about Work and Leisure. It triggers my mind.

I went to a church today. I was new there. It was like finally, I understood what the sermon was all about. For the previous churches that I had attended, I didn't quite remember what the sermons were about, or perhaps, I didn't really understand much. My mind wasn't in place. Or perhaps, I was too tired and was tempted to fall asleep. 

At least, my eyes weren't closed. 

Searching for a healthy church has become a challenge for me, because I've got too much factors to weight about and decisions to be made. I thank God that I had a wonderful day today. Things went on smoothly. I had tried my best communicate with people. 

Do I sound like I was forced to communicate?

I often labelled myself as an introvert. It was kind of sad, because I had unintentionally drawn a distinct line between myself and the world. I often told myself that it was alright to shut myself up and continue being quiet all day long. Sometimes, when people genuinely talked to me, I felt kind of disappointed with myself. I restricted myself from being open up to others. But they were willing to share personal things to me. 

I've changed after all.

It takes a long time to realise that everyone has got his or her own talents ( something ). Sometimes, jealousy creeps in my heart. I wonder why there were so many pretty people and cool kids around me, while I'm just a Kampung born wild girl. I drop things very often, the moment when I move my body, the whole table shakes. That's me. Shame puts me into its category. 

I need to learn.

Americans always possess the concept of being set free, having your own self, you're the best and etc. Is that really true that we can keep on continuing what we are comfortable with while the truth tells us that it's wrong? 

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity." Colossians 4:5

They say Freedom

Stressed is overwhelming.

Connect the photo with this blog whatever you want. 

It's not until I realised that I've gotta be prepared for every week. Because there's almost 2 quizzes for every week. Studying abroad is supposed to be fun and exciting, but what I feel is just plainly stress and anxiety. 

It's time when independent has become the key word of my life here. It's all about being organised and being responsible to oneself. No one will ever care what you are doing, you are the one who care about yourself. At this point of my life, there's actually no one giving a weird look for whatever I'm doing. I guess that's what they called freedom. Free from being judged by people.

Obligation brings me to the safe zone boundary. 

I can't abandon much of the culture that I've brought from where I grew up to here. I keep God's words in my brain. My brain stimulates the words out to my heart whenever there's something that I feel wrong. I stay away from the wrong. 

Because I always want to be at the right.

I see how society here has got strong will of human rights. They have advertisement of Gay and Lesbian's show on a particular date and time. I see how people can just talk about having condoms and what not in their lives. I'm completely aware that things are not as beautiful as what I have experienced in my country. Things are not complicated here, it's even simpler. 

Humans have demand. Therefore, there's a supply for their needs. 

That's just as simple as that.

I have had classmates who is blind and who constantly sits at her wheelchair. I also have classmates who raise kids for their past life and now still feeding their kids with all they have. I see how different people come from different destinies, but they have decided to give in their lives to this thing called education. 

I see how education works.

It is never a chance for disabilities or responsibilities to constrain you from persueing what you want. It's never a chance for people to stop you going into the desires that you have always wanted to fulfilled. No one ever care if you have being controlled by your desires. They don't care. 

I wrote down "Actively Rescue" on a piece of paper, and I pasted it on my wall. I told myself, this is the theme for 2016. I'm having an obligation of rescuing whoever. On my back, I've the Almighty one. You know who I'm talking about, don't you?

"I have the right to do anything," you say, but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything", but I will not be mastered by anything.  - 1 Corinthians 6:12

I need God.

I'm starting to like what I'm studying. 

Talents have not been showing up for a while since I started my holidays months ago. I'm now feeling exciting to face the work load that will be given. I'm a bit crazy, ain't me? 

Reading the book that my university gave each of us student on the day of degree information, I find myself being attracted to the book more and more. I feel connected to the career that I want to have. I find a piece of my flower land. I can never put off my dream of having a clothing shop. I can't stop chasing the dream of mine for being a fashion designer. I know time is chasing me, but I know there's a way to win the race. 

Dreaming is such a waste of time. Getting things done on time is a hard one. It can make us stumble and fall. But every time of getting up from the fall is another step closer to the gate named Success. That's why I try. That's why I even try. That's why I even make myself become stronger. 

I reemphasize to myself that I'm unique as a banana tree. In fact you have no idea why a banana tree, it's because a banana tree only bear fruits once in its life time. That's why I love banana fruit. As long as their is a goal, there's no way anything on this earth can stop you. It's true. So, we work for it. 

Sometimes when I see myself as the center of the universe, I stop having my thoughts going on and on in my brain. I stop. I always like to stay close with God. Yes, stay close with some One that's reliable. People will soon forget about you unless you remind them of yourself. Why not having God in your heart. That can be as genuine as possible. I'm here to say that I'm a sinner, I need God, and I'm a daughter of God. 

I often forget about my identity. I drive my dream without identity. It's kind of like driving a car without a license. Now you know how dangerous it could be. Often, I forget to bring my license. I forget how tsunami can hold human close to death. But there are more human crying for breaking up and not getting good grades. Give yourself some times and think about it. You are here reading my blog not because of accident or unplanned occurrence. It's planned. 

I don't mean that my writing can change your whole life, totally not. What I mean is that things can be as simple as you see, but there's actually a living God who plans everything. 

That's why I'm still here but not in the coffin. If your life has got nothing better to do, why do you even exist? You exist because of reasons. You need God to find out your reasons.

I know.

I need God. 

I Grow.

Yesterday I met my aunt in the airport. It was a tough one. I would tell you why. My phone has got not roaming. There was no WIFI in the airport, not even a single computer that I could reach WIFI. I panicked. I asked God, why did he do this to me, since I'd already experienced lots of ups and downs on that day. God provided me. I went to the public phone and realised I had no coins. I went to the Smith and saw there was SIM card selling. I was thrilled. I struggled with choosing the right SIM card, at the end, the seller told me there's WIFI in the airport. 

I went into the airport, but I still couldn't connect to the WIFI. I panicked again. I told you, it was tough. Then, I went into the Smith again and bought a candy to get changes in coins. I used that stupid, money cheater public phone. I could not reach my aunt. 

How should I find my aunt?

I prayed. Then I went into the airport. I was wandering around. God provided. I saw my aunt. I shouted and then I cried. That few minutes were the longest minutes I'd ever been through. I could promise. The moment when I was not even connected to anyone, in that situation. I had a trolley with two heavy luggage with me. God did a miracle. 

It has been 2 days since I stay in Australia. Yes, staying, at this moment of my life, I really hope that there would be a bunch of Malaysians appear in front of me. Or perhaps, my AUSMAT friends that I had never missed before, but now I do. I really miss them a lot. 

I wasn't having my brain with me this morning. I woke up early. I chose my twin's dress to wear. I looked into the mirror and I found my twin in the mirror. The nostalgic feeling filled the whole bathroom. I was swallow by the deep grief that I had. I started dropping tears. I wore the dress and walked to my University.

I'd done a lot of things today. 

I met a Nepal girl. She was very nice. I asked if she missed her family. She said yes. She told me she cried for 3 days. I wasn't shocked. I had a similar experience as her. We are family men. I think I would be a house-wife in the future. Not sure how I'll go. I just want my twin, at this moment. 

I thanked my aunt for everything she had done for me. She made me feel like there's hope for tomorrow. I really thank God for this aunt, an aunt that would not leave me alone in danger, but leave me to my friend for me to grow. 

I will grow strong.

I have planned to do many things tomorrow. I still can't bear with hearing my sister's voice. I can, but maybe my eyes can't. My eyes are as swollen as dumplings, I can tell you if you can't imagine. I hope I could stop crying one day. By the day, I would have known how to love God more. Because I might have kept Emily in my heart already that even if I may not see her, I still love her. That's how God's love works, isn't it? (Tears dropping out when I wrote this. )

I will grow stronger. 

I will grow stronger in God's words. I want to be rooted. I don't want to be attracted by the desires. I want the rules that shape me into a better me. God's rules do. 

I thank God for today, I thank God for yesterday, I thank God for everlasting life, I thank God for my AUSMAT friends whom I would never forget, I thank God for Emily. 

I thank God for life. (I smiled )

I took a selfie today! 

Separation

Being alone is the worst feeling ever.

I see people in different skin colour.  Some seem to be bonded with the other, while the other walking alone, or perhaps sitting alone. Loneliness fills in when you can’t find anyone to accompany. Loneliness is our best friend when we can’t find one.

It’s scary to be alone.

Things don’t change if you sit there by yourself and staring at different people around you. There’s no way for a spark in this dimension to have someone pops up in front of you and talk to you. We need connection.

I don’t know who to connect to.

WIFI connection for my phone seems so far away. I don’t give it a try anymore. I rest my mind in peace. I lay my mind down. It’s always good not to connect to anyone in your life. stare at my luggage and my back pack. I start to picture those things inside them being stolen by someone I don’t know. If by any chance my belongings are stolen, I’m gonna run and chase that man back. I’ll kick him and hit him. If only if I have the strength.

It’s good to have time to think about myself. Sometimes, I kind of being too immerse into the world that I involve in. I wonder what and how God thinks. Does he ever regret of making a human like me out? Does he think that I’ve gone too far away from him? Do I love Him more than loving myself?

I went to prayer meeting at my church last night. It wasn’t a fun one, but memorable. I’ll remember what I’ve done for the whole night. I kept trying to hold my breath and tears, in case it splits out from my mouth becoming a sigh and becoming waterfall that I am not able to turn it off. I had spent lots of time swallowing my saliva that caused by the whole nasal reacting system when I wanted to cry. Yes, I swallowed several times.

I can’t concentrate during the prayer meeting. Why did I even participate? I told myself that it was always good to turn to God whenever and for whatever. I turned to God. God knows me the most. He knows that I’m sad of leaving my twin alone in my home country. He knows that I worry a lot about her. He knows that we need to be detached from each other. He knows that time represents life. He knows that human like me needs him more than needing anyone. He knows that being a twin, I often place God as the 2^nd place in my heart, but my twin as the first. He knows that he is always the controller. I can’t bear things with my twin together. I can’t bear things with myself alone. I need God whenever, whatever and wherever.

Be hold to God, twin.

I cried in the end of the prayer meeting.

I don’t know why I even give in to the desire of letting out my tears. The moment when our friends, Rachel, asked everyone there to do a favour to pray about my twin and I, I lay my tears down. I can’t help crying. It’s as if the best medicine to turn a n-curve on my face to a u-curve. We cried together. Then we laughed.

It’s funny to have someone who looks like you to be a person that you always spend time with. One day, when God takes away one of us, I really have no idea what to do. I think by that time I’ll turn to God. (As I’m typing this, I literally cry on the chair I sat at the airport. I’m scared that everyone is looking at me. They must be wondering why I cry. ) It’s sad. The sadness may be like level of pain of couple being apart from each other. ( I’m not sure about this because I’ve never had a boy friend before. ) It’s as sharp as knife, as sad as the sinking of Titanic.

God provides.

Always will.

Elisa, read this when you're remorseful.

Sometimes, when I think about my future and my past, I feel restless.

It's as if there's an unplanned way for me to go. It's as dark as the night. I really have no idea where to head to. It's then until I have made a decision, a difficult one actually, then, I find a way out of the darkness. The decision is made without any big discussion. It's something that popped out in my mind one day, and my brain translated the information to my parents. They allowed it. There I go.

I wonder how many people out there studying Business like I do. At the least, I know some are doing property, finance and accounting. It's very devastating. I feel as if there is a wrecking ball hitting myself. You know, that kind of feeling that I can't have my feet stand on the ground. That's it! I feel the danger of competition. The little evil version of me keeps shouting inside my heart. All I hear is to be more hardworking, to fight, to win the competition.

I can't keep up with the fast pace that people around me have had. I want to get some rests, a real nice rest, the one that I can read tonnes of novels through the days and nights for years. It's impossible. I keep dreaming for being fed my my parents until the day God calls me home. But that's still impossible. That's why people want to be toddlers very much.

I don't want to be a toddler.

It's time to lay down everything to God. The moment when I think about God is the one who controls life and death. I lay out my breathe, a very long one. Every stone and weight in mind is taken away, and thrown into somewhere I will never go. At the moment, every thing seems so good and nice. It's the glory and creation of God that always amaze me. God has amazed me a lot, a lot.

I always forget how God has strengthened me.

FAQ: What am I studying?

It's just a few days away from the most thrilled day.

If you're my friends who are reading this, you might have known what this is all about. I'm heading to Aussie to further my studies.

A lot of people or friends have asked me about what I'm studying and where and when and... Let's get started with all the questions being answered!

HOW OLD AM I

I'm turning 19 this year. It will be my first birthday without my twin around me. That's exciting yet depressing. 

WHAT AM I STUDYING

I finished my "foundation" course last year 2015. I did commerce subjects and I struggled a lot. With the help of my genius friends and lecturers, I was able to get through the whole course. I'm now applying for my degree. My degree called Bachelor of Business ( Economics, Finance and Trade ). I really struggled in the subject Economics when I did my "foundation". But the more I have struggled, the more I want to challenge myself. That's why I get Economics as my degree. 

WHERE AM I STUDYING

I will keep it as a secret about what Uni I'm going. But, it's an Australian University. I'll be in Australia in the period of less that 1 month.

WHY OVERSEAS

Yes, I got this questions a lot of times. It's because I did not even do research on Local's Unis about Economics degree or any other Commerce degrees. So, that's why my only option is overseas. 

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SEPARATED FROM MY TWIN

Depressing at first. But we are not so emotional like about out twin relationship. I guess, we won't be Skype-ing everyday. I think we won't even Skype. 

I'm very worried about about my twin on the other side. I'm just scared that her friends would take advantages of her. As my job is always stopping others to take advantages on her, what I can do right now is to pray that whoever have read this will not take advantages of her. I don't want my twin to be bullied. 

DON'T I FEEL SCARED TO STUDY IN AUSSIE ALONE

Yes, I do feel scared some times in a while. I feel more exciting than being scared. My dad said that was a big improvement since I've always cried whenever I couldn't see my twin sister. My dad always told me to be brave. I guess, this would be the bravest time ever. 

I'm really scared of being involved in drinking or things like that. Still, I know God is always here with me.

WHERE WILL I BE STAYING AT 

Cool. My place would be approximately 1 kilometers away from my campus. I guess, I will walk to my Uni or maybe do cycling!

WILL I CONTINUE BLOGGING

Yes, definitely! I will keep writing blogs to get my friends in Malaysia updated! I'm thinking about starting a fashion blog or fashion page or photography page. Pretty much something like that. I wish I could sharpen my photography skill for the next three years!

DO/WILL I MISS ANYONE 

Frankly speaking, I don't miss any of my friends for now. I'm sure I'll miss them in a later time! 

HAVE I DONE MY DRIVING LESSON

No! I understand the fact that my sister has already gotten hers but I haven't is a strangest thing you guys have ever heard before. But not! Even with this three months holidays, I still haven't gotten my license. Keep calm, I'll move on.

That's pretty much all about what would happen in February. 

Thanks for reading!

Fashion

It can be tough to style sometimes.

I am not sure why I have been so obsessed with fashion since I was 12 years old. The shame that I felt would never be gotten away from. I remembered how being not appropriate for me to wear something that was not formal to a formal occasion.

At some point of my life, I think that I'm a little bit too exaggerate about my fascination towards fashion. Unlike fashion bloggers, or the cool kids that I have met in my life time, I don't really have a special style or fashion to follow. I just style up whatever I want. I just want my creativity and uniqueness to be shown through my outfits. Two years ago, I found myself being carried away by fashion. Instagram has become one of the major factor of me being passionate about styling up and creating fashion.

As soon as I deleted my Instagram account last year, I was able to cope for my studies. The closing down gave me a big impact. Since then, I didn't really fancy about photography, even if I asked to be twin model by one of my best photographer friend. It is weird. I have disconnected myself from the creativity that I used to have. I disconnected myself from the social media. Finally, I stopped chasing fashion, instead, I'm now walking down to a life path that I think I like. The path, that actually has different distractions. Probably, distractions that I have never experience before. I'm waiting for the life.

I have this sudden urge to write about fashion because I just finished reading some fashion blogs. I almost fainted when I saw the pictures of the fancy clothes. Every attire seems too crazy for normal people to wear. I mean, I have tried wearing something like a robe to college before, but this is way crazier!

Fashion is a blending of creativity, reality, psychology and culture.

I don't have any.

February!

I have spent my time in reading novels.

I am not sure if I'm doing the right things. I always feel being immersed in the context of the novels whenever I read them. The more I read, the more I find myself being taken away from Malaysia, into a piece of new land where everyone speaks English. 

I don't know why I love reading. I am scared that it is a desire, an irresistible desire. That scares me a lot, like a lot. Sometimes, I'll just tell myself to not touch the novels. I'm scared that I'll be polluted by the thoughts of the authors. That's my biggest fear when I read books. Never think that reading is a healthy activities, because not every book is healthy, not every book suits your religion.

There's always a fear swirling around my mind. I'm scared that one day, I am disconnected with God. I'm very scared of how much more desire traps that I'll be falling into. Or at least, how much traps I'll encounter. I think that's how Adam and Eve had felt once they sinned. They hid themselves, not wanting to let God know about what they had done. After all, I'm more like Adam, who was brave enough to tell God about what he had done. I don't want to be distracted by the desires. I don't know who on earth has the same problem as mine. I don't know if I'm the odd 19 year-old-girl who keeps thinking about what Satan will do to me. 

***

It's really great to look back what I have done last year. I feel old. 

I keep telling myself not to be like who I was, because I strongly need a change. A change that can change people around me. A change that can change my future. I didn't get good grades last year. I disappointed no one but myself. I seek for another life. I'm too excited about being in the first year of my degree. I can't wait to take the chance and explore. Things are too exciting. 

***

Yeap! Chinese New Year is around the corner. I'm pretty happy about meeting different kinds of people. I just want to have a holiday that everyone also has. I mean, who wants to be like me right now? My sister and I are having holidays, but no one else in the house has! 

Thanks for reading my mind, I really appreciate that!

February is Exciting

It has been a long while since I last posted.

I have been great. I am very grateful for everything. January was a thrilling month which I got to live together with my sister only. That was a quite tough job but we somehow made it through the end. We have gone back to our hometown last Monday. It was a so-so experience on plane. Before I forget, we met a well known producer of our hometown. We didn't say HI or get photos because 1st, that was weird and 2nd I usually do not react to those popular people when I see them.

It has been a great week in my hometown. Unlike having holiday alone with my sister in Kuala Lumpur, we didn't go to church every day like we used to do it in KL. We stayed at home but went to park for walk almost every day. I have stayed strong in doing workout by Blogilates. The workouts are intense and fulfilling. Those make you sweat a lot when you are doing and make you sore in the following morning. It's a Youtube channel that I refer to. I enjoy doing that a lot these days.

I have gotten everything ready for studying overseas except getting an accommodation. I was worrying for the whole last week until the student rooms department replied my email. I finally feel a sense of relief. But I'm still working on getting a good and suitable accommodation. I pray hard.

I'm very excited about getting my degree. It's exciting to wait for the first day of university. I always want to have a university life. The life that's tough as no family member will be there with me. I feel like getting the challenge. That's a battle of God and I with the world. I'm ready for this.

I somehow don't feel excited about celebrating Chinese New Year. What's in my mind are studying and getting into a new university. I guess things are all be in God's hands.

:)