Love myself.

Sitting in front of the laptop again.

I have two assignments due in 3 days time. I am almost done with both of them. I enjoy studying as much as enjoying being alone and reminiscing.

Regular OCF session just ended and I walked home with my OCF friends. They are as lively and joyous as usual. Sometimes I have unspeakable feeling towards them. I feel tired, tired of presenting myself in front of everyone. I am tired of being a follower of Christ. Sometimes I just think about when can I be transformed into a new person, who has passion and fire to live for God, do whatever he has written.

We had an issue few days ago. It was about E-camp committee. I felt sorry for Elaine who wanted to serve in OCF. I felt sorry for God, who wanted to choose people that He has already chosen. I felt tired to be caught up in this difficult situation.

Elaine is a wonderful person who likes to know more about things that she doesn't know. A person who has got lots of questions. But at the same time, a person who focuses a lot on herself. I see a lot of myself in her. Isn't it that is what we always do? We put ourselves before anyone else, thinking that we are the best candidate for anything. We do it because we think that if we don't pick this duty up, there will be no suitable person.

On the other hand, I see Janniza, a girl whom I am always curious about. It is like she is unpredictable. She is extraordinary, not your typical Singaporean girl. She gives a lot. For the whole period of living with her, I learn more about her, about her lifestyle, her likes and dislikes, her super neat organisation for things and her patience for me. I have never in my life encountered such person. A person whom I have fear of but a person who loves me so much. She is truly a follower of Jesus. I have a lot of chats with people around me. I always heard this - Jann is quiet and a bit fierce, or Jann is very serious, she is not friendly. In my heart, there is always this very different perspective of her. She keeps things to herself but she shares. She is simple yet mysterious. It is so hard for me to describe her.

I am at this point of life discovering how things have been and how I should refix my eyes on Jesus. Always wondering if I am giving myself too much, wondering if I am loving myself too much.
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