I hate meat, just like how much I here myself.

 Another time of feeling down, not achieving things, and disappointment.

I was feeling quite vomitted from keeping the meat away. I don't really like meat. I doubt again, whether I'm weird, to not be liking meat. 

I thought about what have happened. The thought of me being such an open person, and able to absorb anyone's ideas and being so agreeable have made me want to puke on myself too. Like how I see the meat. 

Few days before the retreat trip, I'm feeling sick of myself. I can already forsee, how disappointed I will be in a group setting. How I will be the most useless person in the group. And how I will make stupid joke or spreading weird ambience for people to be unable to enjoy the trip. I want to be agreeable yet I don't like that kind of self. 

I try to accept who I am. But I'm not accepting. For so long, I have been trying to improve and improve. Yet I'm tired now. What should I do? If I am not progressing in different aspects, I will hate myself. 

Thoughts like this come and go every once in a while. I feel like crying again. I shouldn't be sad since I have a job, a house to live, a car to drive, clothes to wear. 

What should I do with myself? 

crying while vacuuming.

i had sadness in my mind last night. i was vacuuming the floor, because the morning before the day, the cleaner came for cleaning, and a plumber came to fix the pipe afterwards. the cleaned floor was dirty, because plumber came after the cleaner. i was ignoring the dirt on the floor until the night falls, and it was close to 12 midnight. i couldn't control my anger, sadness, disappointment, i walked down the stairs and picked up the vacuum, and started crying while doing the cleaning. 

it seems like exactly what have happened to me. i have been wanting to be a so called "better" version of myself everyday, and yet, there are just one or more things that can trigger me to not be. i am tired of correcting myself and pick myself up from the dirt. i am tired of looking at the incomplete self. 

the morning was sunday. saturday was a fellowship at my house. i rarely invite friends to come over, because i get this great fear of people peeping through another angle of my life. yes, i got a cleaner to come over and just because i would be polite if i host with a clean and tidy house. i am still insecure about who i am, where i live, and how i live. getting the cell group members to come over was indeed a big step for me to accept who i am. 

i called eric, my brother, while crying. it was 4 something in the afternoon for him in UK. he answered my call, and i couldn't stop crying. sometimes i just need him to be there. or probably not him, anyone. but others are too busy to do so. so i get eric. and he was there when i needed someone to hear me out. i always wonder, whether i should pray instead of telling anyone about the sadness. but my immediate respond is to call my brother. i wonder, if it would be different if i actually had prayed to god instead. i cannot face myself, as a person who failed, to be a christian, a daughter, a teacher, a friend, a cell group leader and just a human on earth. there are just too much condemnation, played by myself in my head. i could clearly remembered, how robin said that his mum was useless because she was scared of animals. the phrase "you're useless" replayed a number of times in my brain. but i was aware, i was becoming more aware that it was just another side of me, just the evil side that was repeating this toxic words to myself. in the reality, there is no direct meaning of what "useless" or "useful" looks like. why human has to be useful? 

Stopping addiction on Instagram

Many years have passed and yet I come back to this website and try to write something out. Today mark down my 4th day of temporary deleting my instagram account, and it wasn't very hard, but just instagram was really addictive and there is still an itch for me to spend some of time on my phone. 

I find it annoying that I have been playing instagram since I was 15, which was 10 years ago. I kind of not like the idea that I have committed myself to such a self-loathing social media for the past 10 years. I remember how I deleted my social media account when I was 19 years old but that was a failure. I jumped into a whole newly established instagram account that looks rather, instagramable.

I think the whole app has given me a new way of appreciating arts and designs. I have gotten myself into photography so intensely, by investing few thousands dollars just to fulfil my desire to be like the instagram community who were so talented in taking nice aesthetic photographs. I have come to realise that I have been damaged by the whole social media and constant engagement in all these apps that share about life and moments. There are sadly a bunch of community that support this lifestyle and happy to support each other egoism and liking each other because they want to make sure their self-esteems are not harmed. I start to think about why likes are so important and why I care so much about whether the persons that I think are important are paying attention to the moments that I have posted or not. I get so caught up in wanting the response from people and wanting an assurance from these people. Where do I gain confidence? 

There comes to a point where I realise no one ever will appreciate what is posted, and most of the times the application is just a marketing tool for more consumerism, more buying, more spending and demanding what the world can give. But the wants can never be fulfilled by all the materials.

I wonder whether I can continue on without social media, but I slowly find back who I am in God and how I should be as a child of God. It is possible in God's eyes because deep down I know God doesn't really think that I need instagram. And that is true. I don't need these applications to fulfil my everyday lifestyle. 

I hope that I do not cling on to another bad habit, but I can continue on be conscious about the time that I spend. 

unintentional mourning

sometimes i dream about mum, and everytime my reaction in the dream is asking myself why my mum has not passed away. it does sound like i just want her to pass away. 

i am at the edge of burning out. i have so much to do, yet there are more to come. 

thinking about the workload makes me unable to sleep. 

how am i supposed to cope with everything?

i don't know. 

enfp - the 16 personalities

I decide to stop using Instagram, like what I've read from the book - digital Minimalism. I find myself to be quite restless that I do not have a place to escape from when I'm "free". My niece had been watching TV for the whole day, I realised that even young kids need to consume knowledge and thoughts. There is really no way that a person could be thinking about nothing.

My brain is active. But I still constantly feel the urge to complete my undone assignments. Sometimes I use a lot of time to do assignments because I want to strive for the best. But I end up not having enough time to complete all them. So I try to adjust myself.

I amhave started to think about why I'm so driven by my heart but not my head when making a decision. I want to stop following, in some cases, my desire. Because it is bad, sometimes, as I always find my self regretting those decisions that I've made.

I am reading this book "thinking, fast and slow" on my phone now. It is to help me stop Instagram habit. I think it works well, except that I'm scared I'm just trying to replace one addiction with another addiction.

Solitude in Bintulu

 I have spent nearly 20 days in Bintulu, with first week staying at my cousin's, second week with my elder sister and dad and the third week with dad and meeting some relatives. Throughout these few days, I have been working on my masters assignments, one after another. I also stop using Instagram for a few days from now. I finished reading a book by Cal Deport, namely "Digital Minimalism" this morning. 

First, I want to jot down how I could have the chance to speak to my cousin, whom I barely even talked to ever since I know what math is. We talked for more than 2.5 hours in a cafe. I regained insight of how an introvert thinks, and how there are still people like him who are still passionate about pursuing career, and seeking for possibilities in life. I wouldn't have reflected on this if not of this conversation. 

I enjoy the quietness in Bintulu, with just birds chirping outside in the morning, without the constant noise from TV or my dad's church's sermon. I realise there are just more to Instagram, more to just Facebook, more to just video call. There are more than just all these social media activities. I want to stop using those useless Facebook feed activities or watching my friends' instagram stories, and being envious about their lives. 

It is a day to remember who Jesus is, and why he is here, with us today. Many times, I just ignore how Jesus has died on the cross, and never remember how I should watch out how I talk (only praise the Lord with my lips). There are just too much to be learned, too much to be known, to much to be humbled and receive wisdom from the Lord. 

Being alone and rest my brain from any inputs of media is good. I am trying hard to stop the addiction of social media. The Lord will help. 

the regrets

 it has been so long since i last wrote. 

today i wasted most of my time in my room, watching facebook videos, just killing time, killing myself. it is hard to be discipline.

i still cannot forgive myself from what i have done. the hurt that i have done to my parents. saying that they are not loving. when in actual it is me who has not being loving, not showing care to my parents. they are getting older and older everyday. mum has sickness, but she is still showing her strength, through doing housework and little little things in house. while i am here not feeling grateful about what they have provided me. 

i guess i just need some friends and some space for myself, to see what the world has been. i have been too focusing on myself, that i forget what it is like to even care about the people around me. 

mco has made me focusing so much on myself, and just being house girl. 

i just wish that i could come to a point where i can re-love people, and love myself instead of getting myself into my lazy desire and at least not to be too overwhelmed by the work that i have. 

The drive to live.

I am not sure why life has become such terrible and miserable. Things are not as what i thought it would be like. 

There are many things that are going on in my mind, and i can't seem to get them out of my head. They are like the to-do-list, but I am not able to get them tick off from the list. 

So I feel very burdened and not really feeling passionate to do what i am doing now. 

i feel like every week i am just looking forward to the days that i can just laze around and watch youtube videos whenever i want and just slowly rot. as i have said before, i am guilty of not consciously living my life. 

i am searching for different ways to escape from my current stage, i do not know how to get out from this stage. i feel as if things are just so physically and mentally consuming me everyday, everytime. i have lost the drive of living, or even to know what i am doing now. 

i think it really affects my relationships with my friends. i no longer want to tell people what is going wrong with me, or if there is anything happening to me. i don't feel like disclosing it. and at the same time i do really want to know what is happening to my friends' life. i am just living in my own nutshell and just trying to get by everyday. 

i think it is kind of hard to get through everyday. the moment when i thought of having to live this kind of life for another next 40 years ahead, i feel scared. i am not sure how long more should i be in this situation and not feeling passionate about what i am doing. i am not sure what is the meaning of doing this, like teaching kids to know what economics is and telling them how to score for their exams. i am not sure what is the point of doing this. some of my students are also not sure what they are doing this for. and they come to my class feeling dreadful and not willing to participate in the discussion. the days slowly rot away our lives. 

i hope today i can regain my strength to want to live a more meaningful life again, i wish i can see there is meaning in living again, and i wish i can see the meaning of the work that i have done.

sometimes when as life goes on we loss ourselves and we are not sure where to find the self back. 

i am not sure how to pick myself up from this hollow place and how i can motivate myself to climb and climb. i need to tell myself that i can make a change whilst i need to believe that god is in control. i am not sure how i can make the logic work. but there should be a way to make that logic work. 

just a little bit of rants and doubts about the meaning of life. and why am i doing what i am doing, and whether my work really matters to me or not. that is kind of hard to comprehend and to make sense of. 

工作

昨天我买了一本书，《所有失去的都会以另一种方式归来》。

看中这本书的原因是它的标题让我很有感触，因为自己真的很多时候都尝到失而复得的感受。虽然多半在天平称上，失的比得的还要重。

我很喜欢作者些的一些字，比如“相信付出不计回报总有天得到的会比你期许得多的多”。书里有很多作者在成为产品策划经理时的心得，很多工作上的点点滴滴。其实生活大大小小的领悟离不开工作。

这和现在没有在工作的我有点不同。我称我现在是在等待期，是一个过渡期。过了这个时期，一切会跟着上岸，所谓船到桥头自然直。

不过最近我一直在琢磨退休的这件事。因为之前在教授那里帮忙做数据资料处理，我开始对老年人退休，生活品质开始有一定的研究。

很多马来西亚的老人没有对自己退休进行一些计划，结果现在需要好好地把节俭这种美德从新学过，学以致用，把自己搞得像我这种穷毕业生一样。

生活少不了计划。不过很多人说人生不需要计划，顺其自然就好。不过很多时候，当你想要更好的生活，你必须努力争取，努力计划，因为顺其自然就是垂手可得的另一种说法罢了。

就好像退休了的老人，他们需要垂手可得的金钱。他们老来为金钱担心。大部分的人还是靠着孩子来养老。所谓养儿能防老，这样又有多少的青年人为了家里的两老拼死拼活地作工呢？孝道就是给生活费的这种说法到底又是不是真正有它存在的意义呢？

我感恩啊。自己有机会可以在学校作了几个月的研究助理，把我的眼光从看名牌货到命不久已的老人。我学会了别人的生活，自己还在这里一蹶不振。

真的，所有失去的都会用一种方式归来。
像我大学三年级的时候，我以为我拿的个人金融计划这个科目后，就再也不会用到这门课。不过，老人退休基金可是与个人金融计划息息相关。

现在的轻松自在，我希望换来以后的忙碌甜甜地工作。

因为我相信劳苦是好的，劳苦是生活。

这样，我就可以更明白退休生活的意义。

the last day of 2019.

Today is the last day of 2019.

I reflected back to how I have been for the whole year. I found myself sinking more in sadness than joy. That is scary. Because 10 years ago, my vision for life is to be joyful in God. But today, I don't live with that.

And I want for a change.

I want to get back the life, the less-tear life.

I want to relearn about Christ, reopen my heart for Him, regive myself for him.

//

I was reading Maizi, and I saw Teacher Zee Chun's article. I remember how I was very inspired by this teacher of mine, to follow God, to follow the holy way. It is good that I found myself wanting to pick up writing again. Utilising writing for the sake of rearranging my mind, talking to God, controlling my emotions.

I give thanks to words and letters. Because of these, I am able to express in a more polite way, instead of throwing my tantrum to everyone, instead of showing very depression on instagram to my followers and being laughed.

make-up

sometimes i just want to hide myself in blanket, and pretend that there is nothing happens in my world. i want to take a rest, to be who i truly am, to find what i truly love. 

a lot of people don't understand why i do make up. sometimes i find it a waste of time to do make-up. but little did they know that i just want to have something that can remind me of my mum. my lovely mum who is now sick. whenever i wear make-up, it feels as if she is by my side and saying elisa, don't cry, be strong. 

not a lot of people understand how this links to that. yea, i truly don't give a shit if you can't understand me. 

i feel so tired from the days, helping other people to carry their weights, being so available for everything. i just need a rest. 

i have used too much energy to love, to care. 

i just want to take a rest. 

i just want to be with parents again. 

过敏

我活过一种过敏的生活。

那是对生活上的有的没的都感受十足，好像天空下起了一了毛毛雨都有说不尽的感触。

我活着 没有感受的生活。

几时的我又对一些人或事物关心过？自己一直沉浸在自己的狭隘世界里，摸索着自己，看到自己过于保护自己的自私。

反省后，我要好好学会爱。

Church is Everywhere.

when things get rough, it is time for God to smooth them out.

I am very amazed with what i have gone through. Two months ago, I was wondering why I couldn't do an admin job well in Adelaide. I gave myself a try-out working in a clothing shop. The shop was kind of new in the industry and the company is relatively small. I went there for 2 days, mainly writing emails and stressing myself out. 

It was the worst job that I have ever gotten myself into. 

I panic all the time while I was in the shop, mainly because I did not know what to expect and I kept on thinking that I did not do well enough, or the email was not written in a correct form. I felt very embarrassed with my outlook due to the lack on makeup and makeup skill on my bare face. I wore foundation and lipstick to work for those two days. I was terrified. 

I thought I would be in the fashion industry through doing that marketing manager position. I was wrong. The whole fashion industry was more than designing. It is about branding and all that you bring for first impression. After all, fashion industry is a first impression industry. It is about how well you can impress others and how efficient you can handle your work. 

It was the end of the second day when I saw the messages sent by my sisters. I stunted. I couldn't believe that was happening to my family. The reality hits my face. It was until then I was reminded that after all, we have been battling to stay alive and fighting to not be caught by the death. I knew immediately that I was not meant to be in Australia. I called my best friend and told him all about what happened. I cried in front of him and told him that I had to book a flight back to Malaysia to see my family, support them and help with whatever I can. 

I did a bit of packing and flew back a few days later. Going back was a trip to my hideout place from how unsuccessful I was building my career in Australia. It was also time for me to pick up the family responsibilities that I was supposed to fulfil 3 years since I last stayed with my family for long term.

I knew I needed to be in Malaysia. 

The very next thing I knew was that I needed to be in Bintulu where my brother goes to school at. I knew I needed to be back taking care of my brother, being an acting parents and a barely qualified guardian of his. It was hard but God brought me through. He taught me to be patience and loving to my brother. 

I was also quite frustrated with how I have not been permanently staying in a place, but living off from my luggage. I didn't blame anyone for that. Instead, I questioned God why I had this kind of experience, what was he trying to tell me or preparing me for? I still don't get an answer until now. 

But I know He is guiding me. 

There is an inner peace that calm my unstable emotions. 

When He is here, everything will be alright. 

I thank God for my current church in Bintulu. I thank God for them being so supportive in making friends with me and inviting me to come out and hang. God knows what I need the most. I can never deny that. 

X

being with god

i thank god for his plan and how i have been living now. 

i found myself couldn't concentrate on His words when i feel very grumpy. i was really frustrated when i thought about my brother, of how he was not helping out with the housework and i felt really tired from doing housework. 

but it got better the past few days. my brother has started helping me with housework. i felt like i'm no longer doing it alone, carrying the burden alone. 

i am thankful for him to be understanding and also helping me during that time. 

my struggle was to concentrate on His word. his words make me think. but when my mind is all about the suffering that i am going through, i feel full to take in his words. 

i thank god for wendy, a new friend that i knew from my fellowship. she is 4 years younger than me. but i felt very happy for her to be in the fellowship. i have the heart to tell her more about christ. i want them to know about christ. i am scared i do it for the sake of glorifying my name. so i think i will do it without keep on telling people about this and that. i wouldn't take on any pose unless they are calling for empty position. only then i will serve. 

i am grateful for my group leader. she is amazing. i enjoy talking to her and sharing about my experience and stories. i enjoy listening to her stories and how sometimes she is too overwhelmed with her little stories that it is hard for all of us to move on to other different stories. i thank god for such a soul who is willing to share and expose herself, and telling all the others how she has been, and eventually how god has used her as His vessels to glorify him for the kingdom of god. i wish we could support each other during this season of our lives and falling in love with jesus and his words more and more. 

i have the tendency to wanting to be the centre of attention. but i tell myself that it is not me, but god. 

i am thankful for this humble experience in my house, being a cinderella. i learn that loving needs more than liking, and i learn that it is not impossible to love soemone that we don't want to love. 

the start of that economics.

just finished watching another youtube video. watching youtube video is my guilty pleasure. 

i thought back and reflected on what i have been doing for the past few years, for what i have been working hard on, and what i might be pursuing in. i will never forget how my 2015 classmates told me that they could not afford for meals, and how their parents were not at home and how they had no choice but to choose for the cheapest meal option. they have a rich mind with a thin wallet. i was shocked by how much allowance they got that time. 

it was then i told myself that i had to study economics. 

along the way studying overseas, i got to talk to different kinds of people. i got to meet different kind of people. people around me are making me more eye opening than before. i remember studying this course called business society. all my business school friends hated it so much. but i surprisingly found more than tutorial and lecture in this course. i found philosophy. 

one solid theory that i had learnt was that, before industrial revolution, people looked up to you if you have a great job. they looked at your occupation and what you did as a living. today, not so much. people look at what you can buy, what you have gotten to make your living standards better. they look up to this kind of things. the more aesthetic things you have, the better you can be. 

for my time in australia, i have tried hard to listen to people. listening to what they have to say about their dreams, their pursue of career, their views on money, spending and earning. as i tried to learn more about how rich a person could be, i could never count how many times i've met homeless people on the street. they sleep everywhere. 

all of the sudden, i realise, it is not me who can do this, and rescue them, or giving them the hopes. but it is more than me giving out to them. it is to survive in this society, to grab the bread, to be competitive, to be aesthetic looking, to not be afraid of shame and failure. 

contradiction arrives when i start to see that sometimes the pie is too good to not be shared. it is too good that rarely anyone can ever share. it is hard to get the pie. 

now then, what can i do as an economics graduate who hardly keep myself survive in australia? 

pray and pray.

曾经沧海难为水，除却巫山不是云。

妹子到阿德一游。

文字还没死。

去年的今天，我还在忙着赶作业，那时的我想要越过考试的门槛。我对去年的事迹不是很清楚了。只记得每次年头回到马来西亚的时候，都会认识一些新朋友。然后不知觉的被称为我老妹的姐姐。

我没有什么沧海桑田，只是想把一切我想记录的东西都记录下来。我已经很久没有写了。当初15 年的时候就想停，理由和三年前停止的原因一样——不想把身边的人的事暴露出来。因为很多感情的泛滥，加上自己是一个 people person，所以我以前在每件大小事情上都显的很在意，都想把他们用文字表达出来。

很多人都鼓励我拍视频，因为这样更多人可以看到我想表达的思想。可是我都没有做，因为我觉得平面的世界就应该是平面的。我不喜欢把能够摸到、看到的都放在不能看到、摸到的地方。

也许就是在这个平平无奇的文字里面，我可以舒服的把我不敢说的写出来。

X

Unmix.

It is the first day of 2019.

I am lying on bed. I woke up early today, few minutes before 8. I slept around 3 last night. I was having a call with my old friend. We chatted a lot, shared about how tough each of our lives were and probably are.

I have intense thoughts in my mind. They are part of me, and it is hard to take them away. I thought about life after graduating, I thought about being abandoned by my "implied" boyfriend, I thought about going back to Malaysia.

I thought about what God wanted me to do. I asked myself what were all the motives of doing everything that I was doing, was it for the money, was it for a happier life or was it for my lust to continue?

Every relationship is like a play dough, different colours of play dough. It depends of how much we want to mould, and depends on how many colours we want to mix together. There are times when you accidentally mix the colours up and then you can never unmix them. When we push the boundary further, it can never come back. When we kiss, we can never unkiss. And that scene of intimacy can never be undone. We regret that everything is going too fast, but yet, we enjoy the speed of the roller coaster. We enjoy the rush at the moment, we escape from the consequences that we need to bear afterwards. The days go on. We live in a journey of escape, we just want to escape from the reality while preserving the sweet memories that we had.

Who do not want to live in the moment?

We want, but often, we can't.

the dirtiest girl.

It wasn't the first time I have been in a position where I find myself conflicting with myself.

Credit to: Emily (insta: @emilyppeace)

I am not sure if you have ever felt the same way before. It was a torn apart feeling, like you don't know if you are currently a wonderwoman or you are a cinderella. 

Basically I "suffer" from this thing called ladylike. 

-- 

When I was 11, I moved to a big city from a small undeveloped town. It wasn't a good feeling at that time, but I was grateful for the move. I finally opened my eyes and saw how different ones' life can be. We used to do cycling when on the evening and play badminton even before the sun was set. We did two sports back to back. I remembered cycling too fast that emergency break couldn't work, I found myself and my bike stucked between the big longkang, and got myself wounded here and there. 

Moving to city opened my mind. Seeing how people have living more comfortably and ettiquette was a new thing to me. 

It was the first time I swept classroom floor for the year during recess time. I was good at optimising my time. I grabbed my bun and put them into my mouth. I was literally eating breakfast and sweeping the floor at the same time. My class teacher stopped me from sweeping the floor after she saw me doing this 'animal-like' action. She told me it was very dirty to do so. 

It was the dirtiest moment in my life. 

-- 

When I went back my hometown every year and people asked me this same question a lot - do you like KL more or Bintulu? The first two years I answered Bintulu. The following years I realised saying both or neither is a legit answer without punishment. Their question followed by another question - what's the difference of living in these two different places? 

It is the ettiquette. The boys in my class in Bintulu would run around in the classroom and hit the tables, made the whole role of tables looking like a snake. After recess time, you would expect to see an aftermath of World War 2 in class. The boys in KL would go canteen together and bought ate. They would play in the canteen (I thought so, because I didn't see them often in class during recess, and I didn't really pay much attention to the guys). Classroom is definitely tidier in KL than Bintulu. Bintulu's needed higher maintenance. 

--

I received this wikihow link from my sister the beginning of this year (https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Classy-Girl). She told me to not talk too much, not too loud and do not simply laugh. I used to laugh 2 years ago. I got the message she wanted to deliver. It is a pinch of salt and a gentle rub in my heart. 

I was told my skirt was too short and short skirt made my thigh looked buff. I was told my fancy floral pants should not reveal my legs so much. I was told my watch was too "low-class", I was told I shouldn't be rough. 

--

So, I dropped little bit of tears when I sang What a Beautiful Name. 

I always sang loudly when it is praise and worship time. I don't deny that I like singing and embrace singing, even though I don't know if I had ever sung out of tune before. It is a moment to reminisce and chewing the lyrics and enjoy the rhythm, tunes and music, of how Great God is. 

Not until one day, I got a bit sore throat after singing. 

And I was told that I always sang too loud. 

My heart sank like an anchor into the deepest ocean, hoping that I could be drowned forever, so I will forever be unseen. 

"Should I be ladylike when I sing?", I asked this to myself before I was suffocated in the ocean.

Why have I been so dirty throughout my life?

--

Seriously, why give a 💩when people comment on how you express praise in song to God? Why give a 💩to people when you are committing your life for the Kingdom and glory of God?

Elisa X

At night, Alone.

At Night, Alone.

The sky was light purple tinted mixed with light grey colour. We paced ourselves nicely and chatted about career, interviews and study plan. It was a relief for her this week. I salute for organised people who know how to plan their everyday life. It is as if they have never left something behind, all the boxes drawn on the sticky note are ticked. 

We separated at the traffic light. We shouted 'get home safely' to each other while we parted to respective ways. I reminded myself 'I need to get home as soon as possible'. After crossing the road and tram route, two guards sitting in the middle of the road. I had to walk pass them in order to get home. 

As I stepped forward, they shouted and told me I had to walk around the square. The square is like a round about in the middle of the road, except that it is a square and it is twice as big as the normal round about. I sighed. 

I walked on the tram line, tears started to drip down. This year has been the most tears year. The same old Adelaide, the different Elisa. I walked and cried silently. I hate the distance of my house from here deep down in my heart. 

It was a windy night. I was extremely thankful that it was night, 2 something. This fact reassured me that no many people would actually witness my cry. 

I thought to myself again and again, wondering why there is always this kind of emptiness in my heart. The constant pressure of being a lady, constant request of achieving something great, the unending envious thought that I have for every Christian lady in my fellowship and church, the non-stoppable complaints and disappointment of myself and the random thoughts of what if I end my life today. 

If I leave Adelaide for good one day, Wakefield street will be the street that I wouldn't want to remember. I will never forget the route from West side River Torrens to China Town.

Every time I ask myself if I have become someone better than I used to be. I never have an answer ready for myself. 

This 2 weeks had a lot of 'Welcome Nights'. It is that kind of formal party that you meet freshies and get to eat a lot of junk food and drink cups and cups of carbonated drinks. Participants indulge in every bite that they take, but that is not the real deal. The real deal is each of the participant has the chance to introduce themselves to whole lots of stranger faces, Freshies meet and greet eye to eye, wearing big smile as if they have eaten the sweetest candy ever. The year 2 and above greet politely, with enthusiasm but you can see a bit of tiredness in their eyes. 

Believe me, our eyes won't lie. Why? Because they can't talk, they express your soul. 

I used to face that kind of smiley and energetic expression 2 years ago in the mirror. Now all I see in the mirror is a wounded soul.

Wakefield street is not long. From Victoria Square to my house is as short as Rundle Mall to Rundle Street. Just that when I have things at my back and my only transport is legs, every second lasts an infinite long. 

2 years of experience, maturity, learning and accumulation of wounds, heartbreaks one after another. Burden in my mind is as much as using a string to lift up tofu. I always wish to write a full-stop to each of this burden. 

No, I am definitely not lonely, but I just want to write out this at night, alone. 

I am indifferent from Mike Posner who wrote this album "At Night, Alone", except the facts that he is a he, I am not a baller and I can never spend much on guys and shoes. 

X

Reassurance

Sometimes I find it good to rest in my little bedroom, organising whatever that are in my mind. 2017 has been a year that is full of different stories. Tears of every kinds make this year an epic year.

I always hope that one day my life can be changed and I can be another person. I wish to be the people that I have looked up to. I wish to live like how they have lived. I have always complained about how insufficient I am in receiving blessing from God. I always fail to see the beauty of God's plan.

Weeks ago, my church here in Adelaide has had a missionary visiting us. She is Maggie and she talked about how she has become a missionary. She said that prayer is the scariest thing to do. It reveals things that you do not want to hear. Truly, we are often committing ourselves in doing things that we want for ourselves, we forget to see the bigger picture. We give ourselves more and more reasons of not following what God has taught us, holding on to the self that we have always been. It is scary to throw ourselves into the bin and submit the life and authority to God. Giving up ourselves and feeling what God wants us to do.

I see this. I am so broken. I always tell my best friend that I am so broken. He will always reply by saying that we all are broken. Yes, we are all broken.

How many times I find myself watching people's photos or instagram stories and thought of achieving what people have achieved in their lives. The urge inside my mind pushes me to pursue more of what I want. The attachment that I have had for a companionship grows stronger. I look up the sky and moon that hangs alone in the sky. I saw God's promise during one of my alone walk at the nearby park. The reassurance that God has given to me makes me realise once again that attachment to another person is more of a lust than love if I do not have a complete relationship with God.

I see a sinner self, the little one who is stressed by the dreams that I have not achieved.

X