crying while vacuuming.

i had sadness in my mind last night. i was vacuuming the floor, because the morning before the day, the cleaner came for cleaning, and a plumber came to fix the pipe afterwards. the cleaned floor was dirty, because plumber came after the cleaner. i was ignoring the dirt on the floor until the night falls, and it was close to 12 midnight. i couldn't control my anger, sadness, disappointment, i walked down the stairs and picked up the vacuum, and started crying while doing the cleaning. 

it seems like exactly what have happened to me. i have been wanting to be a so called "better" version of myself everyday, and yet, there are just one or more things that can trigger me to not be. i am tired of correcting myself and pick myself up from the dirt. i am tired of looking at the incomplete self. 

the morning was sunday. saturday was a fellowship at my house. i rarely invite friends to come over, because i get this great fear of people peeping through another angle of my life. yes, i got a cleaner to come over and just because i would be polite if i host with a clean and tidy house. i am still insecure about who i am, where i live, and how i live. getting the cell group members to come over was indeed a big step for me to accept who i am. 

i called eric, my brother, while crying. it was 4 something in the afternoon for him in UK. he answered my call, and i couldn't stop crying. sometimes i just need him to be there. or probably not him, anyone. but others are too busy to do so. so i get eric. and he was there when i needed someone to hear me out. i always wonder, whether i should pray instead of telling anyone about the sadness. but my immediate respond is to call my brother. i wonder, if it would be different if i actually had prayed to god instead. i cannot face myself, as a person who failed, to be a christian, a daughter, a teacher, a friend, a cell group leader and just a human on earth. there are just too much condemnation, played by myself in my head. i could clearly remembered, how robin said that his mum was useless because she was scared of animals. the phrase "you're useless" replayed a number of times in my brain. but i was aware, i was becoming more aware that it was just another side of me, just the evil side that was repeating this toxic words to myself. in the reality, there is no direct meaning of what "useless" or "useful" looks like. why human has to be useful?