Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Unmix.

It is the first day of 2019.

I am lying on bed. I woke up early today, few minutes before 8. I slept around 3 last night. I was having a call with my old friend. We chatted a lot, shared about how tough each of our lives were and probably are.

I have intense thoughts in my mind. They are part of me, and it is hard to take them away. I thought about life after graduating, I thought about being abandoned by my "implied" boyfriend, I thought about going back to Malaysia.

I thought about what God wanted me to do. I asked myself what were all the motives of doing everything that I was doing, was it for the money, was it for a happier life or was it for my lust to continue?

Every relationship is like a play dough, different colours of play dough. It depends of how much we want to mould, and depends on how many colours we want to mix together. There are times when you accidentally mix the colours up and then you can never unmix them. When we push the boundary further, it can never come back. When we kiss, we can never unkiss. And that scene of intimacy can never be undone. We regret that everything is going too fast, but yet, we enjoy the speed of the roller coaster. We enjoy the rush at the moment, we escape from the consequences that we need to bear afterwards. The days go on. We live in a journey of escape, we just want to escape from the reality while preserving the sweet memories that we had.

Who do not want to live in the moment?

We want, but often, we can't.

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