The drive to live.

I am not sure why life has become such terrible and miserable. Things are not as what i thought it would be like. 

There are many things that are going on in my mind, and i can't seem to get them out of my head. They are like the to-do-list, but I am not able to get them tick off from the list. 

So I feel very burdened and not really feeling passionate to do what i am doing now. 

i feel like every week i am just looking forward to the days that i can just laze around and watch youtube videos whenever i want and just slowly rot. as i have said before, i am guilty of not consciously living my life. 

i am searching for different ways to escape from my current stage, i do not know how to get out from this stage. i feel as if things are just so physically and mentally consuming me everyday, everytime. i have lost the drive of living, or even to know what i am doing now. 

i think it really affects my relationships with my friends. i no longer want to tell people what is going wrong with me, or if there is anything happening to me. i don't feel like disclosing it. and at the same time i do really want to know what is happening to my friends' life. i am just living in my own nutshell and just trying to get by everyday. 

i think it is kind of hard to get through everyday. the moment when i thought of having to live this kind of life for another next 40 years ahead, i feel scared. i am not sure how long more should i be in this situation and not feeling passionate about what i am doing. i am not sure what is the meaning of doing this, like teaching kids to know what economics is and telling them how to score for their exams. i am not sure what is the point of doing this. some of my students are also not sure what they are doing this for. and they come to my class feeling dreadful and not willing to participate in the discussion. the days slowly rot away our lives. 

i hope today i can regain my strength to want to live a more meaningful life again, i wish i can see there is meaning in living again, and i wish i can see the meaning of the work that i have done.

sometimes when as life goes on we loss ourselves and we are not sure where to find the self back. 

i am not sure how to pick myself up from this hollow place and how i can motivate myself to climb and climb. i need to tell myself that i can make a change whilst i need to believe that god is in control. i am not sure how i can make the logic work. but there should be a way to make that logic work. 

just a little bit of rants and doubts about the meaning of life. and why am i doing what i am doing, and whether my work really matters to me or not. that is kind of hard to comprehend and to make sense of.