Different Views

I thank God for today, that I managed to finish my economics test paper.

I'm gonna tell you a story about my Economics. It was a really tough subject which I didn't like because I made myself failed in the first three tests. I wasn't quite sure what I should do to at least pass for my Economics, however, I prayed and trusted God that He would make me a way and give me the best. Yes, it ended up I passed my next two tests. And I was so grateful. 

I'm a horrible person, who is always proud of myself. I feel shameful when I don't hit the standard that people have stated. If I do hit the standard, I laugh inside my heart, because I win. I left my pride to conquer myself until one day, I felt like this wasn't right. Because what I had done would never be my own effort. Never. It's all done by God. Well, I need to keep in mind that glory is not mine. 

It's really hard for youngsters nowadays to place God at first. In church, every youth might seem like very actively praising God during praise and worship session. And they know that God shall be the first in their life. After church, they, no shall be we, barely remember what we should do. We barely remember why there is the existence of God, why people need God and why ourselves need God. And there's never a great thought about purpose of our life, because we tell ourselves we are still young. 

We can have tonnes of friends, but we don't even know what our life is for. We never realise it is important to think about our future or even what to do for this instance. I mean I've failed lots of time to plan what to do and why I'm doing something. I really don't know. I've lost myself many times, and there comes with a no solution end for each lost. 

An unsuccessful planning is planning to fail. And the aimless planning for an aim is aimless.

 

I struggle a lot with what I'm doing right now. I take up many responsibilities. I feel energetic sometimes, but many times, I feel like leaving the world and hide myself, reading novels. And that's what I want to do. I ain't scared that due to my incomplete responsibilities, I'll be scolded. What I understand is that if I'm absence from my present life, there will be no future for my tomorrow. How I wish I could retire right now, reading novels for the rest of my life. And that's gonna be the best and most unreal dream ever. 

Planning for my future. Yea, that sounds amazing yet tiring. My brain keeps telling me to follow my desire but the purpose of my desired ambition is not as meaningful as what I want. My closer to reality ambition, on the other hand, is more meaningful, but required lots of thinking and studies. I ain't sure if I could cope with it. And I leave no answer for these. 

Judgement

Today is a Saturday. 

Saturday is always a great day, but today is not the same. I have extra class at 12 till 4. And I have Praise and Worship practice in my church at 3.30. I don't know how to separate myself. I don't want to be not committed. Such a hard decision to make. Sometimes, I have this don't- want- to- go- anywhere thinking. I don't feel like doing any things. It's so hectic. I don't know why I've taken up so many burden, and yet, I'm here, being like a crazy.

I thank God for giving me opportunity to go for yesterday's Award Day in my high school. I've never thought of having that award. It marked down the last page of my high school life. I  tell myself, not to look back, look forward. Live for today, think for tomorrow. 

I bought a new book on Wednesday. Bad thing about it is that I feel like reading this book right now. But I don't have time. I can tell you, for the past few months, I've been doing stupid stuff. I'm being honest here, like going out with friends, and buying lots of Chatime, because temptation is so big. I've spent not only lots of money, I've spent too much time, chit chatting and doing nonsense. 

The guiltiness of mine hasn't made me to be disconnected with the temptation, but it seriously made my results dropped to the terrible standard. I don't mean any of my friends are bad influence, I just mean, I can't afford to spend too much time, because they are too awesome to talk to and that make me loose my interest in studies. 

I really thank God for what I have, especially my new found real Didi. I'm not going to write down anything about it, because, to me, sharing of love through social media doesn't really meet the requirement of real love. Oh Yea. This makes me think about how couples showing their loves through social media and gaining lots of likes and things like that. Yea. That's cool to show your love around the world, people can see the hope of having love. 

I thank God for everything, because when I think about how He will never give me something that I can't do. So, yea! Let's do this.

  

Dilemma

It is not hard to say goodbye.

I feel like I'm a geek in my friend gang. I lack of the fun and some more interests. I only know life and some stupid philosophy which people will never demand to know. I'm such a geek.

I'm taking consideration about the level of friends. I don't know the meaning of friends. A gang of people I love? A gang of people I care about? What else? Will the relationships stay long? Will it be forever? Is it everlasting?

Family are whom we depend on. I have no choice, but to know and understand each of my family member. I have to talk to them or perhaps comfort them when they have problems or depression. I thought family members are the closet to me, is that really true?

I keep thinking about questions. But there is no answer. Because I don't dare to ask. I can't figure out the answers. What does love mean to me? Am I mature enough to love people around me? Am I myself? Am I judging others by their looks? I really have no ideas.

I can't remember since when I have gotten into this identity crisis. I find no me in the current me. I know whoever is reading this will definitely find it difficult to understand what I'm trying to say. It's too complicated.

I thought I could just forget about the world, forget everyone, and then sleep soundly in a room, with not disturbance. But that could not be forever. How I wish, everyone was happy so that I could be happy and well, not wearing a smile, but giving a real smile.

I always think about people judging me or things like that. I know, this will eventually make me turn into a really depressing person. I don't want that! I never want to be melancholic again. I never want.  Never.

It's so hard to say. It's so hard to choose. Choose to believe that they are not judging me. Choose to believe that they are real. Choose to believe that they love me the same as I do. Choose accept the truth.

When love is greater than other things.

It could be more than something.

Today is a Thursday. I'm half dead. Finished math test today and yeap, it was pretty hard. I'm estimating myself to get low marks. So, to make myself feel better, I keep telling myself it's over.

I got back home late because I was having choir practice for Christian Fellowship tomorrow. Guess what? It's Easter Rally! I ain't sure what rally means, but I know it means a lot, a lot.

***

Back to some serious and stupid questions for myself. I feel regretting now because I think I've made a wrong decision. A decision that will change my entire future life. Is it too late to make a change? I ain't sure. I really have no idea. I have this dilemma. I want to choose a future which I enjoy, but not a future full with regrets. Obviously, I'm in the regretting path way. Because I really want to be a fashion designer.

Okay. I understand that Malaysia is not a suitable place for this. But, I really have that though come across my mind, and I'm not willing to let it go. I want to go to a different place, build a different me, love different people. Most probably I want to learn something out of it. Life is too short to decide, but too long to regret.

Why do I regret? I have no idea.

***

I feel like jumping out off the time. I mean pulling myself out and placing myself back to the time when I was only 16. I want to get back that silly but innocent feeling. The Elisa that wouldn't think so much. The Elisa that will never exist any more.

I change is quite drastic. I don't know whether I'm getting this drastic change or the change that happens eventually. I want to learn a lot. But I'm not passionate with them. What shall I do?

I thought back to what I'd done in my last year time. I feel like I'm now a new me. However, still living in a worrying and emotional life. The whole external is changing, the internal is renewing but in the same way.

Fly like a Bird

I thought the most graceful thing in the world was having love with people around us.

Hi people. I just finished reading Where She Went, the book I wanted to read since last year, but I couldn't because it wasn't on stock. And after reading this, I felt a bit speechless, but I like the ending very much. In fact you don't know Where She Went is the second episode, while If I Stay is the first one. Reading different part of the story at different time, I felt different.

Not to be a spoiler of the book, I suggest if you have time, take a read of both books, you'll have different view on your life.

I have a little fear inside me.

I have had this fear since I was young. It has made all photos bad, because I didn't smile.

***

Struggling with lasting love has always been our problem, if your faith is not big enough. Fear makes yourself be yourself, but not to jump out of your comfort zone. You think it's okay to stay like usual, but it's not.

In this super technological era (even when we are in the toilet, we're still using our phones, playing COC or Whatsapping, and if your friend sent a message asking what you're doing, you say chatting but you're in the toilet doing something...), we focus too much on gadgets. Well, playing games, or connecting with friends, it seems to be like gadgets are doing the right things. But, hey, what about people who are in contact with you face to face instead of face to book? Have you forgotten them?

I once told myself to leave my phone uncharged on Saturday night, so that the following day, I could concentrate on what real life was about. Yes, I did it. And I'm doing it. I realise how weak we are, when we come to talking face to face with people. We are fear that our expression might ruin the whole conversation. We aren't aware that people around us need us, because we are getting less and less observant with our surroundings. We think of connecting people by using our phones, but, well, it doesn't turn out to be like that. And our connection with people are getting weaker and weaker. It defeat the purpose of a phone.

I have the fear to fail to communicate with people. I have. I know I have.

Every time comes to presentation in my English class, I hold back. My nerves react. My heart pumps very fast. I know I love doing public speaking, but it's a bit too scary when I'm unprepared or I actually tell myself to let it go. I doubt. I doubt. I doubt if my friends hate me because my English is poor and I'm not able to present well even though my heart pump have given me enough courage. I'm scared one day, I'll stop loving people because I have doubted too much. I'm scared to doubt.

And all I remind myself is that God is always the one who strengthens me and never leaves me alone. I know. I know, God will never stop loving me, because I'm still here, having time to love people around me. And yes, let's be sure that we will continue love people around us, like how God has loved us. Because we're loved.

Yes! There is still love which will last! Have faith, have faith.

X

Contrast

Not to mention how sad I was with my studies and especially my English. I'm so desperate to learn all the vocabs and the way of writing and also speaking English, due to my own discrimination to myself. I know that's weird, but I just feel like I still have a lot more to go before I can say I'm able to speak English.

I was a bit down last week, because I had that sudden feel of being abandoned by the world. Or I could say I was too upset about the world because of what I had seen. I kept thinking about the fact that human were always judgmental and they judged by look. Or even by their voice.

I was in to the break down, I mean I really had few drops of tears when I laid out my feelings to my lovely bro. All I could think about was that one day people would get old, the colour of prettiness would fade. I was afraid.

Until then I realised there was a Good Friday. I went back to my high school and was being in a part of the Christian Fellowship in my high school. I felt old, and at the same time, I felt young. It was a place where I created my 5 years memories, where I spent most of my teenage time. I hate it when I say teenage, because when I was in my high school, I didn't do anything that a normal teenage would do, because I was too nerdy. And teenage sounds a bit bad and naughty. Well, entitle myself a nerdy will maybe draw a smile on my face.

Once again I rethought about how God has loved us, sent His one and only son to us, and died for our sins. I know it is an ordinary fact but it is a fact of love, a special love.

I thought I would end up lying on my bed and think about life or something else like that for the whole week end. Instead of that, I spent my Saturday morning with my family to the shopping mall. I bought 3 English books. Sadly, they are all chessy stories, I can say. Unlike what my sister bought, I was way too much into emotion. In fact you are wondering what did my sis buy, she bought a Dummies for Math. Then, you see, how ironic a pair of twins can be. That's the truth.

Saturday evening was a complete enjoyable session. I went to choir practice. Though I knew I sang nothing like a bird nor like Adele, but choir in church was a praising to God, not for the seek for people to praise how well I sang. So yea, I tried my very best to sing. Glory to the Lord.

Today is a lovely day. I woke up and started reading the novel I bought on Saturday. And I couldn't stop reading it! What a bad habit of mine. I was so immersed in the story and well, I could still pull myself out of it.

Oh ya! I thank God for my exam's result. It wasn't a good result ( compared to my high school time, and I regret right now because I switched from Science stream to Art stream ) but I thank God for the marks! And also for every bit of the wisdom.

Indeed, I'm feeling happy and bit crazy right now, because I'm suspecting a spot test tomorrow.


X

Sorry for my English mistakes

Captions.

A photo shooting day, when memories made.

#throwback #lastyear

I hold you tight,

you leave my heart,

bleeding,

for the whole night.

It's about showing love, with hands, 

and

heart.

I failed.

Mirrored,

we're not,

alike.

But,

we're still,

alive.

Suffocated,

breathed,

I'm only a human.

I'm still figuring out.

X