Saturday, April 23, 2016

A change.

There is a strong urge in my telling that I should write this down. I have to share it with whoever I love, regardless of genders.

I have been in a struggle of setting the boundaries between my opposite gender and I. 

It has been hard for me to make friends since I was young. It probably due to the fact that I always have a partner, perhaps, everyday friend by my side. I had never felt lonely. This mate of mine helped me a lot, in everywhere. I might have relied on her too much to the point where I might have unintentionally worshiped her. 

Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend till today. 

I start shifting my center of my life purpose to another. 

***

Knowing that separation is hard, I prayed to God. I pray when I'm alone. He has become a part of my life. He takes charge of my life. I need him in my life. 

***

The hardest thing to learn is to lay down my own decisions to the altar of God. It is hard. It is really hard.

I have gotten this addiction of worshiping money last year, or perhaps, many years ago. I liked the sense of buying new clothes. I liked being called fashionable. I liked being the centre of the attention. It was true enough that I had become an attention seeker. I seek for love everywhere from everyone. 

I used to be a low self esteem person who couldn't look into others' eyes when they spoke. I felt insecured. I thought I was a low class person. As I gradually changed my behaviour and the inner side of myself, I started to be more outgoing. Perhaps, this is the reason why you have known me as a person who is joyous and who laughs and makes people fall into the world of happiness. I tried to make tonnes of jokes in the early stage of my changing life. This further transformed me to who I'm today, the one that does silly things to make people laugh without knowing how silly I have gone. 

They call it humorous. 

Every happy story has a scare on the main character. We know that in our heart. We have scare in our life. We dare not tell.

***

I am scared of being not loved by people. I make myself more available to others. I love locking others' eyes in my eyes, as if I know their future, I know what they want, I know their desires, I know what are burried down inside their hearts. I love the feelings of it. 

Little did I know, it was actually an adultery.

Engaging people by locking their eyes in mine has become the most powerful way of me locking their hearts (well, at least, that's what I thought). It is awful.

It is really awful.

***

Today, I, tell myself, and I tell God that I will, bow down, and let him take away my shameful heart, my adultery behavior. 

Prayer:
Lord, there's no way I could control myself anymore, it's all your authority. I love writing, I love telling people about how much you have done for me. I want to commit myself, my heart, and my behavior to you. Everything I say will be your will. Everything I do, I will do with you. Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have changes again and again. Humble me in your words, humble me to serve the people around me knowing that my body is yours, not any guys' not anyone's. I will serve you wholeheartedly, with all my mind, my soul and my heart. 

In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Re: set

My identity was lost, but now it is found. 





Unlike the others, I feel strongly unprotected while studying abroad. Everyone tells me that I would be fine. Everyone says that studying abroad, means without the guidance of parents, has freed them from illogical rules and regulations. 

I, set more rules to myself than my parents setting for me. 

Being alone means that I have full authority towards my time. Whatever I desire, I can fulfill it whichever way. I ended up signing up for Easter Camp organised by Overseas Christian Fellowship SA.

I start to adapt the new environment. I start to take charge of myself, my action, my words, my behaviors, and my being. It is exhausting. I was a princess in my family, the one that only washes dishes and does laundry (you know, put the clothes into the washing machine). I considered myself doing house chores. 

I end up being a messy person here.

My mind is messed up with more than 10 tasks that I do everyday, my body parts work for different things at the same time, my bedroom is literally a translation of my mind. My minds are everywhere. 

It's not until I attended this camp, which I learnt to be more organised in my mind. 

It's not a joke, though people learn to love God more, or turn back to God, etc, I learnt to be more organised? 

I would never forget, I was telling the committee that I had no towel for showering. That embarrassing moment set me to a rigid mind. I was busily checking out what were inside my bags, and I couldn't sense any towel-like material in the bag. It was an awful experience. 

Glory to the Lord, E-Camp was full of amazingly helpful people, Ivy, especially, helped me throughout the whole post "reckless behavior" situation. I managed to get showers.

It was the next morning that I found myself being reckless again. 

I simply put my lanyard in one of the bags that I brought. I brought lots of bags (shame, I called myself a refugee), and the bags had lots of pockets. Imagine my lanyard was in one of the pockets, and I didn't expect myself had put it in that pocket. Bam! 10+ minutes in the morning was gone, because I couldn't find my lanyard. 

When I recklessly do something, and never think about the after effect, everything messes up. 

Sometimes, our minds would just follow what would be the best for the situation now, but forget of how a simple decision could be a tragedy in our lives. We might consider cutting down a short little time for God would not affect much of our lives.

I, did, regretted of what I had done. But I still did it on the next day. I ended up wasting 10 minutes of my life. Resetting my bad behaviours takes a long time. Resetting my reckless vision of love requires time. 

However.
I just heard the sound of shooting gun. 

I'm ready to run.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

You and I: Part I



Believe or not, we are all searching the 'you' in our lives. 
In fact, we are searching for the 'you' everyday. It makes us restless. It's relentless. 

It is as if our lives' purpose is to get a life companion. Admit it, all of us feel lonely, sometimes. Sometimes, you wish to have someone being by your side. There might be no words exchanged. The presence of 'you' is enough. The presence of 'you' wins the whole world. It's a feeling of 'I just need 'you''.

Perhaps, that's why you and I are searching for a life mate. It's not as easy as buying a life companion (Samsung phones), it is time and energy consuming. It's seldom that these factors would hold us back from the desire to love. We love challenges, don't we? 

Almost, everyone, is excited for a new start. You feel as if being in a new environment is the best thing ever. It is the moment that you have been longed for. But, why? Because you want to get rid of your old habits, because you want to get rid of the loneliness that the older you experienced, because you want a whole different life with a genuine friend. You want a story that is written by both of you.

How many new starts can you have?

On the other hand, you might also wish for meeting new people, those who just start new. Later, you find out that you are actually not longing for a new start or a change, you're waiting for a new experience. You are long for a ''You' and I' experience. The one that belongs to only both of you.

***

I like how Reverend Dr. Stephen Tong's sermon went. I once attended one of his sermons in KL this year January. I have loved how he described the relationship of 'Thou' and I. It was breathtaking. 

When we were young (now imagine yourself as a little kid figure), we had been depending on our mothers. Every time when problem making us cry, mother was our rescuers. Our life circles were too small that only 'Thou' (our moms) and us. We cried in our hearts when moms were driving away from our kindergartens. We cried when there were only us on the isle of the supermarket. We wanted our moms to be by our sides, we wanted the care and love from her. She is the 'Thou'.

As we grew older, we found out that our moms weren't the smartest, weren't the perfect ones. The 'Thou', therefore, changed from moms, to our dads, then our teachers, our lecturers, our peers. 

Our 'Thou' changes. We later realise that 'Thou' is too hard to be found.

Till now, we are still searching the 'Thou'.

'Thou', where are you?


Saturday, April 2, 2016

How does love work?


I like how romantic stories go. I believe that in real life, we, at least, will experience one of that sudden melt in our hearts when our eyes lock together, until we lay at the coffin, and one of us saying good bye to the other.

I believe love is far beyond that. It's the infinity sign that we've drawn with our finite hands. 
Love is what 1 Corinthian 13 is talking about. 

Love is everlasting. 

1 Corinthian 13 is far more romantic than the 5-seconds-but-feels-like-forever-heart-melting eyes locking . It's more than 4 Dimensions. It has no time constrains.

Because it's love.
***

Sometimes, I feel like shutting myself down from the world. 

My mind triggers a lot about relationships these days. Being alone is a trial, a challenge. The sudden absence of a personal photographer at this stage of my life has set me into learning selfie. I take photos of myself. I smile big enough to make sure I'm in my best condition. My muscle contracts, and makes 16-teeth-out smile. Sometimes, I have to tidy my hair a little bit to make sure everything look perfect. 

Nothing is perfect, bro.

Let's talk about hangout with friends.

The lonelier you feel, the more you feel like hanging out with friends for every free time you have. That's me for the past few weeks. Boredom doesn't fill in the room of emptiness in my heart, it's the lack of people's love emerges. The absence is massive. You feel like connecting yourself with your phone every hour, every second, because that's the only way you can feel connected, you can feel loved. It's not boredom, it's the absence of love that you feel.

So, I posted a photo with caption. I've been thinking a lot about the grown-up world. Knowing that I'm no longer a kid, I have the strong urge to be stronger while living in a community with different kinds of people. I'm always terrified by interacting with people whom I'm not familiar with. Don't call me a liar, I think I end up dealing pretty well with new faces. I can see myself involving in business in the future. 

I strongly felt what I'd written for the caption about love. I've seen, or perhaps, felt, too much about how people craving for different kinds of love. Dealing with different fundamental meanings of love can be hard. No, it's really hard. 

Hardship goes on and on when there are misunderstanding and misconceptions about different beliefs and what not. I guess, I'm overthinking about the consequences, but isn't it good to think about the consequences as it's an action of caring about the future?

That sounds like we always have tomorrow, but actually we don't. Now I'm finding myself contradicting with myself. Aren't we supposed to love our love ones like we're gonna lose them? How does love work? 

God knows.