Say Goodbye to Yesterday

How many years can I still live for?

I participate in my church caroling team. Singing has always been a difficult task for me, but I still give it a try. Knowing to be the youngest adult in the caroling group, I feel so much overwhelmed with how much I have grown. I'm no longer a kid. I'm never gonna be a kid anymore. 

Talking about aging, it's always two types of accepting your age, embracing wholeheartedly, or you can be worrying about it. 

I used to think that I'm still a kid who can throw tantrum, who still can use the excuse of mood swinging. But no, I'm never going back to the stage. I have to live. If there's no tomorrow, I live for today.

Humans can be a bit depressed when it comes to the year end. They find out how much they have spent for the year through reorganizing their belongings. Like me, I just checked out how many pieces of clothes I have bought. I'm pretty amazed with the fact, because I bought too many. It's a sad fact, because I know I have to correct myself so that I won't allocate much money on clothing next year. 

2015 was not a difficult year compared to 2014. My overall intellectual level has not risen this year ( I think so ). But I have jumped out from my comfort zone and met lots of new people with my awkward personality. There are lots of times when I was ignored by people when I say a HI. Despite of the ignore by people, I still did it. I think that's the 2015 Elisa, who broke her records of getting new friends herself. 

Another big improvement I did was getting closer to God. This couldn't be done without the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank God for this! 

There's just never going to repeat what had happened yesterday.
Growing is the grace of God.
Getting old is the blessing of God.
I thank God.

How books harm.

I just finished one book this morning. 

Holidays with the companion of novels are the nice holidays I have had. Every time when I have a long holidays, I will make sure I have shopped a few books in the book store so that I can have them during my free time. 

I always choose the easy ones to read. Often, when I buy a book, I'll first look at its cover page. I like the one with nice graphic. Now, you can say I judge the book by its cover. If an author really wants its book to be well published, I guess, he or she might also take part in the cover page, and make it as beautiful as the writing. Then, I will see who the authors are. Sometimes, I am really fed up with romance kind of books, they describe how both parties are attracted to each other. I just pray that God can cleanse my mind.

Then, I find the level of harm in reading books. 

Books were written with lots of ideologies. The author always makes sure that what he or she believes are well written in the book. Therefore, book can be just all about bullshit if you don't think the theory written is what you believe. But most of the youngsters who read lots of books prefer to follow what were written. Because words are so deceiving. 

I think about how the world can be deceiving too. Or I would rather say it is deceiving. 

Ideologies about protecting yourself or chasing for nonsense human rights are critical sometimes. That really scares me. I used to be one of those feminists who stand up for bullied girls. I debated like a mad dog, winning for pride. I hardly believe how the world threat girls like animals, stripping off their hearts or minds like gradually stripping off their skins. 

Then I get to know that people say that some feminists are girls who feel lonely with no guys loving them. I nearly forget I have got a little brother too.

By here I don't mean I'm one of them or what. I just realise how much time I have been spending on to fight for something that is so critical. Understanding myself is so much harder than understanding others, because I only get to see myself in the mirror during morning and night. 

Things get better when you trying to know who control over things. It's like going into a castle. You'll never know what actually had happened in the past in each room unless you get to have a conversation with the ones who were living inside the castle. Though you might have known something about the castle, you might not know if that's true. God makes the world clear. 

I wonder how I could stand still on my own perspectives and beliefs when I read this book about Tarot and afterlife. I managed to finish the book. I was amazed by the author with her twisting story lines and imperfect characters she sketched. Those books make me understand about others' beliefs.

***

There's nothing more difficult than understanding the will of God. For human to understand something that are beyond our levels, I feel like surrendering myself. 

But at least I know that God has His power on everyone. 

Small Stories, Big Adventure.

Sometimes, you seek for things to happen. 

You dash into your classroom or maybe your workplace, trying to conquer a little corner of the room. You would try to stand at the corner for a period of time until someone realises that you have been there for a long time. If no one ever realises you, you start to feel depressed. You feel that the whole world has abandoned you. You wish that someone would approach you or maybe letter you a HI. 

Well, sometimes, it never happens. 

There is also one time when you arrive your classroom or you workplace with an ambitious heart. You have enough motivation to do things. You want to embrace the day. Just when you arrive your respective comfortable regular spot, you settle your things and start the day. You are too concentrated with the work or studies that you don't even realise it's lunch time. 

Then, you realise these two stories could have happened in one place. There are many times when we view ourselves as the centre of the world. We indirectly stop to show up. Maybe sometimes we're those who are in the first story, but we would never realise how we could change the situation. 

I have experience these two types of conditions before. I have even encountered my friends who also had the same experience. It's what I call self fulfillment, where you get yourselves filled with feelings. Sometimes, we can look around and see the differences in our surroundings. Things change, love doesn't.

Quitting Job ft. Emily's shots

Sometimes, I just wonder how to make good decisions.

When comes to making decisions, I usually have 2 types of responses. I can come out with a decision in a short time, and usually that decision is made without much of consideration but with stress. The second one would be making decision based on family or friends' advice and my own consideration too. It takes more than 5 days to make the decisions. However, the result is often not favorable. 

Talking about my exciting December part time job, I thought I would go for the work in a period of two months time. I would have to stay in KL for two months. While on the other side, my family is in Bintulu for another month. This means if I go to work, I would have to be separated with them for one month. A decision of going for work would mean that I would lose spending time with my family before I go overseas to study! 

The next day after my eldest sister's wedding, I woke up in a strong urge of quitting my first job. I started to worry if this was the correct decision. Pretty much, the whole morning was all about worrying whether to quit of not to. On the way back to KL in the car, I prayed for the job when I was half asleep. This is my bad ( if it's bad ) habit. I always pray when I can't sleep but I want myself to sleep. I didn't get into sleep afterwards, but I sent a message to the head of human resource of the company. I immediately sent a message saying that I wanted to quit the job ( I know, I don't even get to work for the first day ).

With messages, the quitting job is settled. I'm relief in the end. I felt really remorseful for putting money as my first aim. You know what, the guiltiness of worshiping money is really terrible. It made me couldn't get into sleep immediately when I was in bed. What's more, it made me felt like betraying God ( in exact, I was betraying ). Conclusion, never follow money, follow God. And happiness comes in in the end! 

"You shall have no other Gods before me. " - Exodus 20:3

I decided to add in this really useful way to make any decisions in life! FOLLOW GOD. 

xxx

Here are some of the shots that Emily did during the holiday trip to Bintulu. My outfit was out of creativity ( yes, I never have any creativity in my outfits, like never! ). I really like the exposure as well as the aperture effect, she caught the nice angles too! Presenting to you (drums roll), Emily's improved skills and her new lens photographs featuring two silly ones.

Top: Cotton On

Bottom: Cotton On

Sunglasses: Cotton On

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December: Renewing faith

What's up!

I just woke up from my nap not realising the sky is going to turn black. My body was suffering to wake up from my bed. The desire was too strong.

I woke up thinking about my future. I rethought about who I was at the beginning of the year 2015. Now, it seems even nearer to my dream or I would say my future. Things are not getting better in my life as my thoughts are always not in parallel. What I strongly feel about is that God has planned a future for me and He will always guide me through. Here I realise I have not been praying hard.

I want to go jogging so badly, but my body can't manage to do it. I feel so tired. I think about my December and January too. I'm gonna stay in KL and work as a part timer. I first started applied for the job due to the pressure of needing money. I got a lot of money on my mind. I wish I had no money on my mind. When I was back to my hometown, I big remorseful feeling. I shouldn't have got that job, because family are more important than money. 

I have made a big decision, I prayed about it. I'm sure everything is under God's control. He made everything happened. I prayed for me having no money on my mind, but God still allowed me to get the job.

What I'm sure is that everything can be a learning process. I learn a lot throughout this job application. I wish that this Christmas can make me become more faithful in God. I hope you have the same hope too! 

Let's wake up with a faithful heart! 

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