Regular Update

It has been a real long period since I last posted a blog post.

Life after my foundation is quite nice, because I can get away from my studies and concentrate on life. When I say life, I really mean life. This age of mine is not to old nor too young. I wonder how the others feel when they were at my age. I feel helpless.

A lot of times, I feel like giving up on certain things. It's all about relationships, the relationship with God, with parents, with siblings and of course with my grannies. Those are my struggles. I would not say I've put a lot of efforts in pleasing all of them. But it's really hard to even try. I never know building up relationships with family members is lot more harder than building up relationships with different friends.

I come from a funny family, of which everyone has different problems. My siblings and I grow in different places due to my father's jobs. As a result, each of us has different thoughts and views. To be brief, if we were to be placed in 7 different countries, we can all be the presidents of those countries. Because we are too determined with our own thoughts and we have really different perspective. Imagine that's how I live, I'm living under 6 different ideologies. 

Talking about different countries, I think about being separated with my twin sister. I somehow have that sad feeling of being separated. We cry about it. We can't find a solution. All we can do is to cherish our relationship before we leave each other.

Clothing

Clothing is a presentation of art. 

I really thank God for today that I'm able to do different things and I have experience his grace.

I thank God for giving me a job.

A job that suits my passion.

Should we change?

I have smelled the aroma of freedom. The freedom that can untie my studies with me. I feel pretty relaxing right now.

I really thank God for who I am today. Although I have no talents in everything, God still gives me a chance to live. I used to tell people, there's no other should die before me. Because I said I was too useless. I thought that was a great idea. However, when I read the Bible, I see more unique and amazing things that are happening around the world. The words of God have given me a wider and deeper view to the world. I thought I would be an influential person. 

After my exam ended, I take a lot of time thinking about sin, death and life, and of course, confidence. I thought about how social media has built us into a confident community. That is the main reason I quit Instagram and deactivate my Facebook account. Imagine you have been involved in an abstract community for years, and then you realise you want to leave it. That is hard, but the result is overwhelming. 

I would say the social media has made me a lazy person. The social media kept telling me that I was good enough. I should accept myself in the way I behave. Then I realised how important to change. If I'm not wrong, I got myself topic for this year when I was setting my 2015 resolution. The topic was change. I wish to change. However, the overloaded positive thinking that Facebook gave me making me a lazy person. 

Things happen fast. I thought I would end my life before my this year final exam. I didn't. I see how God really wants me to be rooted in his words. I see how the world is trying to get me into a miserable place. A dark place I would call, where I can't see any light and where I live in the darkness. 

Where do you choose to live? In the words? Or the world?

Going up Stage

Things have gone well.

I don't know how I have survived till this stage. I remember praying to God about my tertiary studies. I prayed that I could live till 18 years old so that I could at least enjoy being one year tertiary studies student. I like how I had the faith in God. Because I slowly loss myself.

I just applied to the courses I want to study next year. I am pretty excited about it, but somehow, I feel burdened and stressed out. I applied for Commerce degree. This is kind of like a challenge to me. I seriously feel that Science subjects are way easier and more suitable for me than the commerce subjects. And now I'm conflicting myself. If you are a high school student who is still wondering whether to choose science or arts or commerce, my advice to you is that choose something that you think you can cope for. 

I am not here to regret about what I have done for the past few months. I think about the friends that I have made in college and church, I literally got a smile on my face. Those people are wonderful. You would never get to have another copy of them. Those memories were made, and will always place in my heart. I will bring them to the last day of mine on earth.

The lecturers are way more friendly that you can ever think about. I have a lot of lecturers as friends, because they are way too young in term of their thinking. They have made me wanted to study more and explore more about the world. Now, I start to feel bad about them, because I did not do well in the exam, I guess.

I like how God has planned for me. All the things seem difficult at once, but I conquer them with the faith in God and friends. Some people come and go in your life, and you have no idea when you will meet them. It's not like a math equation of which you can calculate the number of intersection points. Meeting them is a plan of God, of which, we, humans have no ability in guessing when we will meet them.

Cherish relationships with a sincere smile while you still can.

Where is Identity?

Whenever I write, I think.

I find writing becoming very interesting lately. It is an after incident effect, I would say. After having lots of English lesson for the past 10+ years, I finally get to the stage where writing has become my hobby.

There are things which we always do to identify ourselves. In other words, we often do lots of things that we are comfortable with to prove that we are still ourselves. For example, I would have an exercise routine on some days, because that's what I regularly do and will not want to miss a regular session. Exercising has become a significant routine for Elisa. I guess, we also call that as culture.

Lately, after being "judged" from head to toes, I feel more emotion about myself and my being. I thought about how people known me as. I was an introvert and now I'm a hyperactive girl who laughs on everything with no shame. I bet that's a good change. 

However, I find myself having no responsibilities in things. My no-stress and hyperactive characteristics make me become more careless on things. Because I don't want to worry about things so much. I lose myself in this way. I lose myself of being a responsible and hardworking person. I lose the introvert that I would keep quiet whenever people judge on her.

It seems as if things have changed gradually. At this critical point, I realise how uneasy it is to find my identity. I'm no one and nobody. I don't want to lose the introvert and the hyperactive. Who shall I choose to be?

I watched a Youtube video last night. It was about a girl having eating disorder. She was oppressed by herself in a way that she forced herself not to consume food because she felt fat and ugly all the time. She showed some pictures of her. She was bone-ny. I see how these people do things. They have determination in changing things. I surprised myself. Because I thought about how sad I was when I thought I was fat. I literally went up to mirrors and checked myself if I was thin enough. That was depressing. After those 3 and 4 years of being in a state of checking out my body weight, I finally stopped. I did those things were just to make people realising how thin I was. Sadly ( I would be sad if I'm who I was ), only my dearly grandparents realised that I was starving myself. 

I wish I could have the determination of taking things seriously like how I used to be. But I do not want to have such starving-myself again. 

Social media

I like how some weird things going on when I'm involved in.

I like writing more than talking to people or playing piano.

Lately, I have been rethinking about my life and being. I realised there were too much positive thoughts in my brain, and I had to delete them forever. I'm too positive to thinking that I'm unique in the way I was born.

I realised how much I have changed throughout my whole teen life. I have become more outspoken. I'm now brave enough to speak English to Australians invigilators. I'm bold to admit my own mistakes and wrongs. I've dipped inside the network of social media. I have taken lots of photos of which I'm boastful about. I'm able to communicate with people.

Only then I realised I have become more and more low in self esteem. My elder sister pointed out this clearly. I felt like slapping myself when she talked to me. In the end, I cried like a baby. I've been crying for more than 2 days. I had no idea why I liked to cry so much. I sort out my crying problem, and get to know that I'm a person who has baby emotion with 18 years old body. 

I've been gaining attention from the social media. I've no idea since when my pride was built there. I took lots of nice photos to show how creative and how wonderful my editing skill are. I've spent most of my time looking at the phone. Well, I admit, till now I'm still obsessed with Youtube. I hope to get myself out of it in this time. 

It was a Youtube video woke me up. The video was summing up college student debt. The interviewees were asked if those money was worth spending for. The last interviewee said no. Because the memory of college was all about social media and gaming, sleeping inside the classroom while lecturers were teaching. This words woke me up.

Not only that, there was also my internal feeling of being mysterious. I thought I had been exposing myself to the public. This is kind of weird, like really weird. I can't afford to let people know my activities even before I personally tell them. I know, I'm literally doing it here on Blogger. But bear with me, I wish my blog can influence the future me. 

The next step I took was that I deleted my Instagram app. It was too much distraction. Then, I just realised deleting the account would be more appropriate. I deleted the account on my sister's phone. My memory of Instagram for almost 5 years had gone. My 500+ followers have gone and I'm permanently not following the 500+ people. The end.

Then, I thought it was great to delete my Facebook account too. Because Facebook has got too much interesting things to go through, which had made me spent more than an hour a day reading them. It was bad. Due to the lost contact concern, I told myself just to deactivate the account. So, I did what I thought. 

I hope I could enjoy the Instagram free days in the future. I wish to get back to my normal life (which supposed to be 7 years ago). Sometimes, life is too short for social media. 

I never know it can be this short.