Depression

I'm a lonely person.

It is a statement for almost everyone. I'm sure all the human being on earth have at least once in their life time feel this statement strongly that this statement has become their feeling.

I thought about peer pressure a lot these days. It's whether by wearing something nice or being smart in class. There are lots of cool kids in college, trust me, if you never been to one. Those cool kids are really cool, they know how to socialise with people, at the same time, they juggle their studies as well. You'll see them passing with flying colour, and you never wonder why, because they are cool kids.

I pulled myself off from my usual click of friends. I try to mix around with the others. It's not bad to be on my own, because sometimes, independent is built this way.

There was a lot of depression time for the past few months, because I was lost in the college. I'd got my friends who laughed at what I wore, I'd got people who laughed at how speak English, and even my expression. A friend of mine once told me that they just wanted to make me laugh. I would say these are all insults. Sometimes, patience continues to grow bigger and wider in our heart. But that doesn't mean everything will be alright. There's never ' it's okay' time. We need to fix the things up before saying IT'S OKAY.

I might take things too seriously sometimes. I used to let those uncomfortable things to go off. But they were making feel like I weren't myself. Because once people kept laughing at me and I was so bloody angry that I literally wanted to utter some dirty words out, I calmed myself, told myself it was okay, it would be better. Later I found myself sitting on my bed, cried like a baby. The uncontrolled tears rolled down faster than I would imagine. I finally came out a conclusion that I was actually going through depression.

It was hard to overcome depression. The sickness told me to stop believing in anything, anyone, and any God. I thought I would just tell my twin sister about all. I held back. Even if releasing the stress and emotion is not enough to be recovered from depression.

Act before we think is what we often forget about. Think before we act is much easier. When shall we act? When will the action be done? What shall we do?

I turned back to God, because I knew God was the only one to turn to. I'm still working in progress.

Cry

At one point of my life, I feel like I'm living for stress.

That's the worst feeling ever. I really hate that feeling. What I do to solve this is that I hide myself in my room, cry about the difficulties that I'm facing, and ask my sister to listen to my problem.

I used to cry and cry for aimless and unreasonable reasons. I cried a lot last time, almost everyday, especially when I was standard 1 during primary school time. I refused to do work because I hate doing homework. I hate doing something that I don't feel like doing at that particular time. I cried.

I got my dad who hated my crying very much. It was somehow became a significant experience in his life. He started to know that this daughter of him would not do professional job or "manly" job in the future. That was the reason why my twin sister was (is) always his all time favourite. My sister never cried for something useless. She was hardworking and willingly to do all sorts of homework and work.

Sometimes, I even got my grandparents built the hatred on my cry too. As I say, I cried everyday. I could cry on the morning and cry again in the night. That was a routine of my family having dinner at my grannies'. I just cried when I felt scared or I failed to do something. There were times when I cried at night, and during the following morning when I got up from bed, I saw myself with two baggy eyes through the mirror. The worst thing was when I had got friends who asked me about my eyes, and they even could identify the real reason behind the baggy eyes. No matter how much I didn't want them to know about those incidents, they still got that powerful eyes to see through my eyes.

Since then, I know how to prevent getting up with baggy eyes. If I cry at night time like at 10 pm, I will sleep after 1 or 2 hours. This step actually helps my eyes to dry themselves and go back to the normal mood.

I cried lots of time this year. I hate being forced to do something. I'm constantly being forced to do things. I wish I could solve this.

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Sleeping

I hate how light coming into my eyes.

It was a hectic day of which I spent the whole day being occupied with activities and lessons. I was so tired because I couldn't get enough sleep for the past few days. I wasn't torturing myself. I couldn't get enough sleep because I was doing assignment and I hadn't done my homework. I was pretty stressed out by the work load. Imagine for like 3 days I got no enough sleep but in college I gotta be really cheered up so that my lectures wouldn't find me day dreaming.

It was so hard to be independent. 

I thought I wouldn't have to be own my own until I was in overseas. This was totally wrong. The leaving of my parents made me knew how much I was to be a daughter. And just knew that I was (or for real, I am ) poor in time management. I don't even know until I last week.

I couldn't finish my assignment, and I had an emotional break down. It was kind of cool to have this break down sometimes, because this tells you how little human actually is. And this tells me how important to be strong and continue to live without fear. And this tells me how stupid I was not to depend on God. Here I'm living in the words of everyday prayer. 

I came across some Youtubers having a bipolar disease. It was a low self esteem emotion sickness. It was basically a psycho symptom. It was something really mysterious because it sounded as if I got this disease before too.This sickness showed a human could have two personalities. One personality would be hyperactive with lots of joys. The other one was totally opposite. 

I would really want to know whys and hows this happens!

 I would just leave my blog post ends here. Thanks for reading.

Let it Go

It is so terribly busy lately. 

I've never felt to stressed out ever since I was born. 

I know it was kind of too exaggerate, but it's true. Just look at what I've not done, and look at the deadline, I'm frustrating. I can't handle much about all of them.

I keep complaining about no time. Is that really true that I have no time? I told myself the reason why I'm so busy is because of my own problem. My problem, is, I'm too enthusiastic to take part in everything, from the bottom to the top. My enthusiasm amuses myself. It makes me more and more busy. Until last Saturday, I found myself little bit fever. I couldn't say stop to these activities. Those are all my duties. They cramp with my studies. They cramp. They cramp my brain.

I thought it would be really good for me to try out new things. Too much new things make me feel so exhausted. The tiredness is too the extend that I have to even take out 2 hours of my sleeping time to do my revision as well as my assignment. I found myself running with time. But I'm always on the losing side. I guess, I will never win.

I wish my body could just shut down one day, and I would just be away from the responsibilities. How I wish I hadn't even started the idea of trying new things. Yes, guess what, I have to get back to my studies. I ain't sure if I'm going to continue my failing in my economics due to the fact that my classmates are studying while I'm involved in one part of the activities. And that feeling is really terrible. 

Can I let it go?

Sorry, the muscle-less

During my English lesson few days ago, we learnt about persuasive speeches.
Those speeches were full about emotions and creative languages. These make me feel as if I'd got that momentum inside my heart, ready to go for a mission. What really touched me and sort of "inspired" me was the speech of apology. We learnt about the art of apology during my English lesson. 

Are you a human or a sunbear? 

An apology is not hard to be said. You can just utter the word "sorry" to anyone you've hurt. But not everyone will accept your apology. And I've experienced the scary part of hurting people. Sometimes, I'm too weak that I accidentally hurt people. And the worst part is that the person doesn't want to accept your apology. 

I know how painful it is being hurt. It was like being asked to clean the toilet when you've got lots of assignments to complete. My example is quite strange. Yes, that's how I feel when I was being hurt. At that particular moment, I feel as if my brain and my heart work differently. I can't control my body movements. Everything that I act is just too strange that people can't recognize who I'm.

The bad part about hurting people is that we might soon loose them as friends. The feeling is terrible. It is horrifying. I remembered hurting people by breaking promises. I know I'm kind of a weirdo because here I tell people how painful it is being hurt, and at the other end, I'm hurting people. But, I'm only a human.

I'm only a human.

I thought about this sentence " I'm only a human" after my 20 minutes morning jog. Human is the only species which can say this sentence. I mean a cat would never say "I'm a cat". It's really impossible. Impossible! 

Here comes this intelligent human we are. We can admit our own mistakes, and change ourselves, perhaps improve will be a better word in this case. An apology should be delivered once mistake is made. Because we are human. We have feelings, we can talk and think in a wiser way. 

In every era, there will be this trend, of which people mock people. I just read about 2 Chronicles 30:10-12. It was about one race scorning and ridiculing other races. From there I see how much human love mocking and discriminating their own species, of which animals won't do (I think so).  

Dear fellow friends, I'm sorry if I've made any of you being in a state of anger or disappointment. I'm sorry for what I've done which made you feel hopeless about the world. I'm really sorry if I've made you struggle for dealing with your low self esteem which I've built in your heart. I'm sorry.

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