Too competitive? I'm not good enough?

I've just finished reading a chapter of my course book. It's a special book because it talks about Work and Leisure. It triggers my mind.

I went to a church today. I was new there. It was like finally, I understood what the sermon was all about. For the previous churches that I had attended, I didn't quite remember what the sermons were about, or perhaps, I didn't really understand much. My mind wasn't in place. Or perhaps, I was too tired and was tempted to fall asleep. 

At least, my eyes weren't closed. 

Searching for a healthy church has become a challenge for me, because I've got too much factors to weight about and decisions to be made. I thank God that I had a wonderful day today. Things went on smoothly. I had tried my best communicate with people. 

Do I sound like I was forced to communicate?

I often labelled myself as an introvert. It was kind of sad, because I had unintentionally drawn a distinct line between myself and the world. I often told myself that it was alright to shut myself up and continue being quiet all day long. Sometimes, when people genuinely talked to me, I felt kind of disappointed with myself. I restricted myself from being open up to others. But they were willing to share personal things to me. 

I've changed after all.

It takes a long time to realise that everyone has got his or her own talents ( something ). Sometimes, jealousy creeps in my heart. I wonder why there were so many pretty people and cool kids around me, while I'm just a Kampung born wild girl. I drop things very often, the moment when I move my body, the whole table shakes. That's me. Shame puts me into its category. 

I need to learn.

Americans always possess the concept of being set free, having your own self, you're the best and etc. Is that really true that we can keep on continuing what we are comfortable with while the truth tells us that it's wrong? 

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity." Colossians 4:5

They say Freedom

Stressed is overwhelming.

Connect the photo with this blog whatever you want. 

It's not until I realised that I've gotta be prepared for every week. Because there's almost 2 quizzes for every week. Studying abroad is supposed to be fun and exciting, but what I feel is just plainly stress and anxiety. 

It's time when independent has become the key word of my life here. It's all about being organised and being responsible to oneself. No one will ever care what you are doing, you are the one who care about yourself. At this point of my life, there's actually no one giving a weird look for whatever I'm doing. I guess that's what they called freedom. Free from being judged by people.

Obligation brings me to the safe zone boundary. 

I can't abandon much of the culture that I've brought from where I grew up to here. I keep God's words in my brain. My brain stimulates the words out to my heart whenever there's something that I feel wrong. I stay away from the wrong. 

Because I always want to be at the right.

I see how society here has got strong will of human rights. They have advertisement of Gay and Lesbian's show on a particular date and time. I see how people can just talk about having condoms and what not in their lives. I'm completely aware that things are not as beautiful as what I have experienced in my country. Things are not complicated here, it's even simpler. 

Humans have demand. Therefore, there's a supply for their needs. 

That's just as simple as that.

I have had classmates who is blind and who constantly sits at her wheelchair. I also have classmates who raise kids for their past life and now still feeding their kids with all they have. I see how different people come from different destinies, but they have decided to give in their lives to this thing called education. 

I see how education works.

It is never a chance for disabilities or responsibilities to constrain you from persueing what you want. It's never a chance for people to stop you going into the desires that you have always wanted to fulfilled. No one ever care if you have being controlled by your desires. They don't care. 

I wrote down "Actively Rescue" on a piece of paper, and I pasted it on my wall. I told myself, this is the theme for 2016. I'm having an obligation of rescuing whoever. On my back, I've the Almighty one. You know who I'm talking about, don't you?

"I have the right to do anything," you say, but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything", but I will not be mastered by anything.  - 1 Corinthians 6:12

I need God.

I'm starting to like what I'm studying. 

Talents have not been showing up for a while since I started my holidays months ago. I'm now feeling exciting to face the work load that will be given. I'm a bit crazy, ain't me? 

Reading the book that my university gave each of us student on the day of degree information, I find myself being attracted to the book more and more. I feel connected to the career that I want to have. I find a piece of my flower land. I can never put off my dream of having a clothing shop. I can't stop chasing the dream of mine for being a fashion designer. I know time is chasing me, but I know there's a way to win the race. 

Dreaming is such a waste of time. Getting things done on time is a hard one. It can make us stumble and fall. But every time of getting up from the fall is another step closer to the gate named Success. That's why I try. That's why I even try. That's why I even make myself become stronger. 

I reemphasize to myself that I'm unique as a banana tree. In fact you have no idea why a banana tree, it's because a banana tree only bear fruits once in its life time. That's why I love banana fruit. As long as their is a goal, there's no way anything on this earth can stop you. It's true. So, we work for it. 

Sometimes when I see myself as the center of the universe, I stop having my thoughts going on and on in my brain. I stop. I always like to stay close with God. Yes, stay close with some One that's reliable. People will soon forget about you unless you remind them of yourself. Why not having God in your heart. That can be as genuine as possible. I'm here to say that I'm a sinner, I need God, and I'm a daughter of God. 

I often forget about my identity. I drive my dream without identity. It's kind of like driving a car without a license. Now you know how dangerous it could be. Often, I forget to bring my license. I forget how tsunami can hold human close to death. But there are more human crying for breaking up and not getting good grades. Give yourself some times and think about it. You are here reading my blog not because of accident or unplanned occurrence. It's planned. 

I don't mean that my writing can change your whole life, totally not. What I mean is that things can be as simple as you see, but there's actually a living God who plans everything. 

That's why I'm still here but not in the coffin. If your life has got nothing better to do, why do you even exist? You exist because of reasons. You need God to find out your reasons.

I know.

I need God.