Bored

I really thank God about what he has done tome.

From the very start of my college life till the soon ending first semester. I managed to maintain my scholarship. I thought I couldn't make it, due to the failure of what I've made in certain subjects, but still, glory to God, I got the scholarship from the college.

About the Parents- Lecture Conference, my lecturers didn't really tell much comments to my mum. It was really great because I wasn't really behave well in college, frankly. I just didn't understand why, the comments made were like super short compared to my classmates'. Thank God for the lecturers!

Good girls good boys, bad girls bad boys.
I just realised I ain't young anymore. I'm 18, but I still act like a kid. Emotional all the time, which means my rational have never gotten on me. I'm such a weirdo. I tend to look back what I've done in the past, like spending my time playing "teaching" with my twin sister, riding bicycle in my neighborhood, gossiping about people ( I stopped doing it when I was 14, okay) and switching chinese books to english books. Guess how funny it is. I used to read lots of Chinese novels. I could finish reading two books ( one book was like 300+ pages ) in a day. After turning 15, I was obsessed with English novels. There were lots which I didn't even know about the authors' names. I just love sucking up the vocabs and the feelings of the stories. I feel like living in them.

Okay. I'm going into too abstract. But well, books accompany me.

About things I haven't done. I feel so lazy and regretful. I want to ace for my preU and get into a nice and famous college. I've this little tiny passion. I wish I could get through it, and do it.

Today's CF was about the purpose of life. I thought about the aim of my life too. Like what I should do, and what I shouldn't let myself do. I want to do a lot of things. However, those are all what I WANT. Well, so I tell myself to pray to God and get a real and solid aim for it.

Elisa

Falling in the darkness

Socialogy is a tough word. 

It has been years, I keep thinking about being successful in life, in term of studies, carriers, and yea, relationships. I am sure that I am not as innocent as I was. Through communicating and lots of thinking, I have grown up, becoming an adult. This can't be wrong. I keep telling myself everything is gonna be alright and everything will just be fine. The reality is as real as you can touch. I hate myself being like a not realistic person. 

I always make myself immerse into the novels. Through reading, I touch and experience the writers' hearts. I understand their overflowed emotions which ended up being written in words. The stories written make a handful of people cry over and over again. At least, not me, I don't have tears in my eyes, but in my heart. 

I'm kind of sad about people being judgmental. Or I would say I'm one of them too. Being enthusiastic about fashion, clothing, hairstyle and all that, make me a worst person. Caring too much about those which will eventually fade in their respective colours, I feel like living in a sad and unreal life. Though it is touchable, it would never be felt, never be touched by hearts.

Meaningless, meaningless. 

What's meaningful there? Probably by the time I find out, I will be smiling all days, or maybe forever.

Never be seen

The projection of music, every note played by the piano is clearly heard. All I want is to stay quiet in this little room. A room of mine. A room that I've been using since I was 11. I'm sitting on the floor, laptop on my laps. I feel so the noise, though there's only piano sounds played by my sister right outside the room.

I crave for food. I'm so hungry. I don't know how to stop the feeling of being hungry. I want to eat something. A something that I won't feel guilty eating it. The feeling is super bad. And I know, 30 minutes left till 7 p.m. I'm still here, fulfilling my desire of writing a blog post to share within the social media.

Every thought of mine, is like desire. They are making me to do things that my heart wants to do but my brain opposes it so aggressively. Often, I left the battle to my head and heart. By the moment I left, I know I'm not having logic or rational. Yes, my heart wins. It always wins the battles.

Like going out with my friends, ya, that's not a real big deal. Because it's super normal for a college student to do so. But I told myself, I shouldn't follow them. I spend more time studying and ace for my Ausmat. I know. But I don't know how to do it. Say no? If I say no, I'll feel sad. The depression is super high. What should I do?

How I wish I could, be a well rounded person. How I wish I wouldn't spend so much time in social media. The reason of spending too much time in social media is a significant of loneliness. And loneliness is... being alone.

Little bit of Life

I'm sort of messed up my whole semester exam. I planned to study hard and put efforts for it. But it ended up a mess. A total mess.

My English, especially, made me feel bad about my ambition. That nearly killed my ambition, the only possible ambition I can I have. The whole essay part was a mess. I didn't know what I was writing about. If I would rate how well I had done, I would rate 0 out of 10. I wrote like hardly 2 pages. I couldn't believe. It was impossible for a person like me, who is able to write 800 words of essay in one hour to make this. Just a complete mess. I'm shaking my head right now.

Back to right now, I'm making lots of friends in college. But I still feel super melancholic. Because of, well, I ain't sure what's the reason behind. However, I'm quite thoughtful nowadays. I keep thinking about things and life. And the stuff will never stop spinning around my brain. I hardly make it stop. And I think there's only one possible way for it to stop, which is reading the bible. Then, the problems of life will be solved.

I'm quite surprised that I've just finished reading Looking for Alaska today. I never thought that I would have read any more books this year, but well, I've made it! The strange thing about me is that I have lots of hobbies. All those hobbies are quite lonely though, except photography. Lovely. And now, I'm about to start reading another new book I bought in Kinokuniya, To Kill a Mockingbird. I ain't sure I bought this book, but well, there must be hidden messages to be discovered. I love English, but seems like English doesn't like me yea. So, well, I'm gonna love this language more!