Value of Oneself

Hi there! It's not easy to take my time out here to write a blog. However, I enjoy writing. I wish to make this a habit as I wish to improve my English not only by reading, speaking and also writing ( though I don't speak much ).

After a year, I'm still struggling with my English. Improve my English was my last year resolution. I don't know why, every time I speak English, I feel like everyone's mouth is laughing at me. I don't know what to do after all. The only person I speak English to is God. I don't know why. Sometimes, I tend to pray in English. I guess it is because I've been the prayer meeting nearly every school day?

I sometimes feel that I'm stupid and silly. This feeling has been with me since I was 10 years old? Haha. I guess so. I could still remember writing bad English during my Standard 6. Every time, my English teacher was going to ask people reading the text in the book, I would think that she would not call my name. Sometimes, it ended up like I couldn't pronounce the English properly. I couldn't remember was there anyone laughing at me. I hope no. But most probably yes. I always thought that my classmates were laughing at me. Laughing at my English. Laughing at my poor English.

I felt so sad. I feel so sad. I'm so sad. I keep asking myself why is that I'm so not good in English? Why I was born in a Chinese speaking family? Well. I hate myself being not thankful in what I've had. I had the time when I felt I was useless. You know, compare to the others, I'm just a tiny little timid silly poor girl. That was why I'd been thinking about.

I don't feel happy when people praising me. Because I feel like they are laughing at me. Is it call sensitive or what? I think they are just being sarcastic. I've no way to go. Because I feel like I'm just something that is 多余. ( duo yu ).

I don't know what DUO YU in English. Maybe there is no such word in English. Is that mean I'm not DUO YU in why I'm speaking English? English language is so wonderful.

I'm not saying speaking chinese is a low class thing although I write this statement out. Seriously, I'm just thinking about why I'm so weak in speaking English.

The reason of it is that I don't wanna be laughed. Flashing back the old times when I was in primary school, I was a quiet person. A person who was not active. That was because I didn't wanna be laughed? I don't know. Maybe.

I just wanna raise up this issue. Which is about a value that oneself has. Everyone is valuable. We are God's creations. Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough in things, but actually I've more than enough. MORE THAN ENOUGH. Just think about how amazing that God has given me my life. And he doesn't bring me a heart attack ( stroke ) now. ( Because I watched a video during my Bio lesson. I nearly cried. ).

So, when every time I think that I'm useless, I tell myself that God has given me so much.

Proverbs 22:16

He who oppresses the poor to increase his wealth and he who gives gifts to the rich- both come poverty.

Just a sentence/ teaching quoted from Bible.

Thanks for reading my bad english.
Elisa Jean.
3:52 p.m
23/1/2014