The Asian job.

Never underestimate oneself. Their potentials and possibilities might be beyond what you can comprehend. 

We have heard a lot about this kind of motivational quote. It might be because of this, we dare to chase what we dare not to chase. We have planted a little seed inside our hearts and water it with passion, hard work, positivity and nurture it with Words of wisdom, be it from God or human. 

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I quit my job recently. That was my 2nd job in my life. My friend recommended me this job as she is working there. Thank God for her, I got this job, serving as a waitress in the restaurant. 

It was a jolly experience when I went for the work trial. I was happy and enjoyed what I was doing. I asked a lot of questions, of how to do this and that. It was the first day that I learnt about their work culture, the restaurant culture, of how they run the business efficiently by following several organised systems. It was a lot about communicating in between the kitchen, bar and the floor staff. 

I went to the shop for my first shift one week after my trial. My shift was on a busy night. I was terrified. Literally terrified by the amount of customers and the pressure that every staff had on that that night. I couldn't remember a lot of things, like what dish is what name and what to put where. It was 10.30PM when all the floor staff finished our work. I headed back home and talked quite a bit with my colleague. Talking to my colleague made me feel better. If feeling has a graft, talking to him was like a positive linear curve with marginal effect. After saying goodbye to him, I walked alone to my house's direction. I searched for my phone in my bag and saw the messages and I told my friend that it was a bad experience and that I wanted to quit. My friend called me and asked if I was ok. I said yes, I am okay, all good. I ended the call with a laugh. 

Immediately I put down the call, tears started rolling down on my cheeks. It was the worst experience I had ever had in my life. It was worst that any examination I had ever had. It was as if I went back to primary school and got canned by my teacher because I forgot to bring my textbook or homework. I couldn't stop tearing. 

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I bit the bullet and went through the torture for 4 months. It was the first time that I experienced work as a curse. It felt like exactly the same thing that was mentioned in Genesis when Adam was cursed with work. Work is really a curse. It was like getting blame without any justification and feeling pressured without having any reward.

The pay is $10 per hour. I knew that I was a cheap labour. I was. There was no way that I could get a job other than lowering the price that I wanted people to pay for my time and work. It was the only choice. 

I hated the fact that it was only $10 and that I was constantly under pressure. It was more stressful than studying for 4 exams. It was. The fact that I couldn't make mistake and that I was still new but they wanted me to act and do things as if I was an experienced worker stressed me more. The U curve that was drawn by my mouth on my face was no longer there. I felt very sad about the reality. 

I experienced the unfair treatment of being an international citizen. I experienced the hardship that Asian faced when they work in a "white" country. The double standard is real. 

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Love myself.

Sitting in front of the laptop again.

I have two assignments due in 3 days time. I am almost done with both of them. I enjoy studying as much as enjoying being alone and reminiscing.

Regular OCF session just ended and I walked home with my OCF friends. They are as lively and joyous as usual. Sometimes I have unspeakable feeling towards them. I feel tired, tired of presenting myself in front of everyone. I am tired of being a follower of Christ. Sometimes I just think about when can I be transformed into a new person, who has passion and fire to live for God, do whatever he has written.

We had an issue few days ago. It was about E-camp committee. I felt sorry for Elaine who wanted to serve in OCF. I felt sorry for God, who wanted to choose people that He has already chosen. I felt tired to be caught up in this difficult situation.

Elaine is a wonderful person who likes to know more about things that she doesn't know. A person who has got lots of questions. But at the same time, a person who focuses a lot on herself. I see a lot of myself in her. Isn't it that is what we always do? We put ourselves before anyone else, thinking that we are the best candidate for anything. We do it because we think that if we don't pick this duty up, there will be no suitable person.

On the other hand, I see Janniza, a girl whom I am always curious about. It is like she is unpredictable. She is extraordinary, not your typical Singaporean girl. She gives a lot. For the whole period of living with her, I learn more about her, about her lifestyle, her likes and dislikes, her super neat organisation for things and her patience for me. I have never in my life encountered such person. A person whom I have fear of but a person who loves me so much. She is truly a follower of Jesus. I have a lot of chats with people around me. I always heard this - Jann is quiet and a bit fierce, or Jann is very serious, she is not friendly. In my heart, there is always this very different perspective of her. She keeps things to herself but she shares. She is simple yet mysterious. It is so hard for me to describe her.

I am at this point of life discovering how things have been and how I should refix my eyes on Jesus. Always wondering if I am giving myself too much, wondering if I am loving myself too much.
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