It wasn't the first time I have been in a position where I find myself conflicting with myself.
I am not sure if you have ever felt the same way before. It was a torn apart feeling, like you don't know if you are currently a wonderwoman or you are a cinderella.
Basically I "suffer" from this thing called ladylike.
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When I was 11, I moved to a big city from a small undeveloped town. It wasn't a good feeling at that time, but I was grateful for the move. I finally opened my eyes and saw how different ones' life can be. We used to do cycling when on the evening and play badminton even before the sun was set. We did two sports back to back. I remembered cycling too fast that emergency break couldn't work, I found myself and my bike stucked between the big longkang, and got myself wounded here and there.
Moving to city opened my mind. Seeing how people have living more comfortably and ettiquette was a new thing to me.
It was the first time I swept classroom floor for the year during recess time. I was good at optimising my time. I grabbed my bun and put them into my mouth. I was literally eating breakfast and sweeping the floor at the same time. My class teacher stopped me from sweeping the floor after she saw me doing this 'animal-like' action. She told me it was very dirty to do so.
It was the dirtiest moment in my life.
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When I went back my hometown every year and people asked me this same question a lot - do you like KL more or Bintulu? The first two years I answered Bintulu. The following years I realised saying both or neither is a legit answer without punishment. Their question followed by another question - what's the difference of living in these two different places?
It is the ettiquette. The boys in my class in Bintulu would run around in the classroom and hit the tables, made the whole role of tables looking like a snake. After recess time, you would expect to see an aftermath of World War 2 in class. The boys in KL would go canteen together and bought ate. They would play in the canteen (I thought so, because I didn't see them often in class during recess, and I didn't really pay much attention to the guys). Classroom is definitely tidier in KL than Bintulu. Bintulu's needed higher maintenance.
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I received this wikihow link from my sister the beginning of this year (https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Classy-Girl). She told me to not talk too much, not too loud and do not simply laugh. I used to laugh 2 years ago. I got the message she wanted to deliver. It is a pinch of salt and a gentle rub in my heart.
I was told my skirt was too short and short skirt made my thigh looked buff. I was told my fancy floral pants should not reveal my legs so much. I was told my watch was too "low-class", I was told I shouldn't be rough.
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So, I dropped little bit of tears when I sang What a Beautiful Name.
I always sang loudly when it is praise and worship time. I don't deny that I like singing and embrace singing, even though I don't know if I had ever sung out of tune before. It is a moment to reminisce and chewing the lyrics and enjoy the rhythm, tunes and music, of how Great God is.
Not until one day, I got a bit sore throat after singing.
And I was told that I always sang too loud.
My heart sank like an anchor into the deepest ocean, hoping that I could be drowned forever, so I will forever be unseen.
"Should I be ladylike when I sing?", I asked this to myself before I was suffocated in the ocean.
Why have I been so dirty throughout my life?
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Seriously, why give a 💩when people comment on how you express praise in song to God? Why give a 💩to people when you are committing your life for the Kingdom and glory of God?
Elisa X