Tuesday, December 31, 2019

the last day of 2019.

Today is the last day of 2019.

I reflected back to how I have been for the whole year. I found myself sinking more in sadness than joy. That is scary. Because 10 years ago, my vision for life is to be joyful in God. But today, I don't live with that.

And I want for a change.

I want to get back the life, the less-tear life.

I want to relearn about Christ, reopen my heart for Him, regive myself for him.

//

I was reading Maizi, and I saw Teacher Zee Chun's article. I remember how I was very inspired by this teacher of mine, to follow God, to follow the holy way. It is good that I found myself wanting to pick up writing again. Utilising writing for the sake of rearranging my mind, talking to God, controlling my emotions.

I give thanks to words and letters. Because of these, I am able to express in a more polite way, instead of throwing my tantrum to everyone, instead of showing very depression on instagram to my followers and being laughed.

Sunday, September 29, 2019

make-up

sometimes i just want to hide myself in blanket, and pretend that there is nothing happens in my world. i want to take a rest, to be who i truly am, to find what i truly love. 

a lot of people don't understand why i do make up. sometimes i find it a waste of time to do make-up. but little did they know that i just want to have something that can remind me of my mum. my lovely mum who is now sick. whenever i wear make-up, it feels as if she is by my side and saying elisa, don't cry, be strong. 

not a lot of people understand how this links to that. yea, i truly don't give a shit if you can't understand me. 

i feel so tired from the days, helping other people to carry their weights, being so available for everything. i just need a rest. 

i have used too much energy to love, to care. 

i just want to take a rest. 

i just want to be with parents again. 

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

过敏

我活过一种过敏的生活。

那是对生活上的有的没的都感受十足,好像天空下起了一了毛毛雨都有说不尽的感触。

我活着 没有感受的生活。

几时的我又对一些人或事物关心过?自己一直沉浸在自己的狭隘世界里,摸索着自己,看到自己过于保护自己的自私。

反省后,我要好好学会爱。

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Church is Everywhere.


when things get rough, it is time for God to smooth them out.

I am very amazed with what i have gone through. Two months ago, I was wondering why I couldn't do an admin job well in Adelaide. I gave myself a try-out working in a clothing shop. The shop was kind of new in the industry and the company is relatively small. I went there for 2 days, mainly writing emails and stressing myself out. 

It was the worst job that I have ever gotten myself into. 

I panic all the time while I was in the shop, mainly because I did not know what to expect and I kept on thinking that I did not do well enough, or the email was not written in a correct form. I felt very embarrassed with my outlook due to the lack on makeup and makeup skill on my bare face. I wore foundation and lipstick to work for those two days. I was terrified. 

I thought I would be in the fashion industry through doing that marketing manager position. I was wrong. The whole fashion industry was more than designing. It is about branding and all that you bring for first impression. After all, fashion industry is a first impression industry. It is about how well you can impress others and how efficient you can handle your work. 

It was the end of the second day when I saw the messages sent by my sisters. I stunted. I couldn't believe that was happening to my family. The reality hits my face. It was until then I was reminded that after all, we have been battling to stay alive and fighting to not be caught by the death. I knew immediately that I was not meant to be in Australia. I called my best friend and told him all about what happened. I cried in front of him and told him that I had to book a flight back to Malaysia to see my family, support them and help with whatever I can. 

I did a bit of packing and flew back a few days later. Going back was a trip to my hideout place from how unsuccessful I was building my career in Australia. It was also time for me to pick up the family responsibilities that I was supposed to fulfil 3 years since I last stayed with my family for long term.
I knew I needed to be in Malaysia. 

The very next thing I knew was that I needed to be in Bintulu where my brother goes to school at. I knew I needed to be back taking care of my brother, being an acting parents and a barely qualified guardian of his. It was hard but God brought me through. He taught me to be patience and loving to my brother. 

I was also quite frustrated with how I have not been permanently staying in a place, but living off from my luggage. I didn't blame anyone for that. Instead, I questioned God why I had this kind of experience, what was he trying to tell me or preparing me for? I still don't get an answer until now. 

But I know He is guiding me. 

There is an inner peace that calm my unstable emotions. 

When He is here, everything will be alright. 

I thank God for my current church in Bintulu. I thank God for them being so supportive in making friends with me and inviting me to come out and hang. God knows what I need the most. I can never deny that. 

X

Saturday, August 17, 2019

being with god

i thank god for his plan and how i have been living now. 

i found myself couldn't concentrate on His words when i feel very grumpy. i was really frustrated when i thought about my brother, of how he was not helping out with the housework and i felt really tired from doing housework. 

but it got better the past few days. my brother has started helping me with housework. i felt like i'm no longer doing it alone, carrying the burden alone. 

i am thankful for him to be understanding and also helping me during that time. 

my struggle was to concentrate on His word. his words make me think. but when my mind is all about the suffering that i am going through, i feel full to take in his words. 

i thank god for wendy, a new friend that i knew from my fellowship. she is 4 years younger than me. but i felt very happy for her to be in the fellowship. i have the heart to tell her more about christ. i want them to know about christ. i am scared i do it for the sake of glorifying my name. so i think i will do it without keep on telling people about this and that. i wouldn't take on any pose unless they are calling for empty position. only then i will serve. 

i am grateful for my group leader. she is amazing. i enjoy talking to her and sharing about my experience and stories. i enjoy listening to her stories and how sometimes she is too overwhelmed with her little stories that it is hard for all of us to move on to other different stories. i thank god for such a soul who is willing to share and expose herself, and telling all the others how she has been, and eventually how god has used her as His vessels to glorify him for the kingdom of god. i wish we could support each other during this season of our lives and falling in love with jesus and his words more and more. 

i have the tendency to wanting to be the centre of attention. but i tell myself that it is not me, but god. 
i am thankful for this humble experience in my house, being a cinderella. i learn that loving needs more than liking, and i learn that it is not impossible to love soemone that we don't want to love. 

Saturday, June 1, 2019

the start of that economics.

just finished watching another youtube video. watching youtube video is my guilty pleasure. 

i thought back and reflected on what i have been doing for the past few years, for what i have been working hard on, and what i might be pursuing in. i will never forget how my 2015 classmates told me that they could not afford for meals, and how their parents were not at home and how they had no choice but to choose for the cheapest meal option. they have a rich mind with a thin wallet. i was shocked by how much allowance they got that time. 

it was then i told myself that i had to study economics. 

along the way studying overseas, i got to talk to different kinds of people. i got to meet different kind of people. people around me are making me more eye opening than before. i remember studying this course called business society. all my business school friends hated it so much. but i surprisingly found more than tutorial and lecture in this course. i found philosophy. 

one solid theory that i had learnt was that, before industrial revolution, people looked up to you if you have a great job. they looked at your occupation and what you did as a living. today, not so much. people look at what you can buy, what you have gotten to make your living standards better. they look up to this kind of things. the more aesthetic things you have, the better you can be. 

for my time in australia, i have tried hard to listen to people. listening to what they have to say about their dreams, their pursue of career, their views on money, spending and earning. as i tried to learn more about how rich a person could be, i could never count how many times i've met homeless people on the street. they sleep everywhere. 

all of the sudden, i realise, it is not me who can do this, and rescue them, or giving them the hopes. but it is more than me giving out to them. it is to survive in this society, to grab the bread, to be competitive, to be aesthetic looking, to not be afraid of shame and failure. 

contradiction arrives when i start to see that sometimes the pie is too good to not be shared. it is too good that rarely anyone can ever share. it is hard to get the pie. 

now then, what can i do as an economics graduate who hardly keep myself survive in australia? 

pray and pray.

Friday, May 17, 2019

曾经沧海难为水,除却巫山不是云。


妹子到阿德一游。

文字还没死。

去年的今天,我还在忙着赶作业,那时的我想要越过考试的门槛。我对去年的事迹不是很清楚了。只记得每次年头回到马来西亚的时候,都会认识一些新朋友。然后不知觉的被称为我老妹的姐姐。

我没有什么沧海桑田,只是想把一切我想记录的东西都记录下来。我已经很久没有写了。当初15 年的时候就想停,理由和三年前停止的原因一样——不想把身边的人的事暴露出来。因为很多感情的泛滥,加上自己是一个 people person,所以我以前在每件大小事情上都显的很在意,都想把他们用文字表达出来。

很多人都鼓励我拍视频,因为这样更多人可以看到我想表达的思想。可是我都没有做,因为我觉得平面的世界就应该是平面的。我不喜欢把能够摸到、看到的都放在不能看到、摸到的地方。

也许就是在这个平平无奇的文字里面,我可以舒服的把我不敢说的写出来。

X

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Unmix.

It is the first day of 2019.

I am lying on bed. I woke up early today, few minutes before 8. I slept around 3 last night. I was having a call with my old friend. We chatted a lot, shared about how tough each of our lives were and probably are.

I have intense thoughts in my mind. They are part of me, and it is hard to take them away. I thought about life after graduating, I thought about being abandoned by my "implied" boyfriend, I thought about going back to Malaysia.

I thought about what God wanted me to do. I asked myself what were all the motives of doing everything that I was doing, was it for the money, was it for a happier life or was it for my lust to continue?

Every relationship is like a play dough, different colours of play dough. It depends of how much we want to mould, and depends on how many colours we want to mix together. There are times when you accidentally mix the colours up and then you can never unmix them. When we push the boundary further, it can never come back. When we kiss, we can never unkiss. And that scene of intimacy can never be undone. We regret that everything is going too fast, but yet, we enjoy the speed of the roller coaster. We enjoy the rush at the moment, we escape from the consequences that we need to bear afterwards. The days go on. We live in a journey of escape, we just want to escape from the reality while preserving the sweet memories that we had.

Who do not want to live in the moment?

We want, but often, we can't.