Reassurance

Sometimes I find it good to rest in my little bedroom, organising whatever that are in my mind. 2017 has been a year that is full of different stories. Tears of every kinds make this year an epic year.

I always hope that one day my life can be changed and I can be another person. I wish to be the people that I have looked up to. I wish to live like how they have lived. I have always complained about how insufficient I am in receiving blessing from God. I always fail to see the beauty of God's plan.

Weeks ago, my church here in Adelaide has had a missionary visiting us. She is Maggie and she talked about how she has become a missionary. She said that prayer is the scariest thing to do. It reveals things that you do not want to hear. Truly, we are often committing ourselves in doing things that we want for ourselves, we forget to see the bigger picture. We give ourselves more and more reasons of not following what God has taught us, holding on to the self that we have always been. It is scary to throw ourselves into the bin and submit the life and authority to God. Giving up ourselves and feeling what God wants us to do.

I see this. I am so broken. I always tell my best friend that I am so broken. He will always reply by saying that we all are broken. Yes, we are all broken.

How many times I find myself watching people's photos or instagram stories and thought of achieving what people have achieved in their lives. The urge inside my mind pushes me to pursue more of what I want. The attachment that I have had for a companionship grows stronger. I look up the sky and moon that hangs alone in the sky. I saw God's promise during one of my alone walk at the nearby park. The reassurance that God has given to me makes me realise once again that attachment to another person is more of a lust than love if I do not have a complete relationship with God.

I see a sinner self, the little one who is stressed by the dreams that I have not achieved.

X

The Asian job.

Never underestimate oneself. Their potentials and possibilities might be beyond what you can comprehend. 

We have heard a lot about this kind of motivational quote. It might be because of this, we dare to chase what we dare not to chase. We have planted a little seed inside our hearts and water it with passion, hard work, positivity and nurture it with Words of wisdom, be it from God or human. 

--

I quit my job recently. That was my 2nd job in my life. My friend recommended me this job as she is working there. Thank God for her, I got this job, serving as a waitress in the restaurant. 

It was a jolly experience when I went for the work trial. I was happy and enjoyed what I was doing. I asked a lot of questions, of how to do this and that. It was the first day that I learnt about their work culture, the restaurant culture, of how they run the business efficiently by following several organised systems. It was a lot about communicating in between the kitchen, bar and the floor staff. 

I went to the shop for my first shift one week after my trial. My shift was on a busy night. I was terrified. Literally terrified by the amount of customers and the pressure that every staff had on that that night. I couldn't remember a lot of things, like what dish is what name and what to put where. It was 10.30PM when all the floor staff finished our work. I headed back home and talked quite a bit with my colleague. Talking to my colleague made me feel better. If feeling has a graft, talking to him was like a positive linear curve with marginal effect. After saying goodbye to him, I walked alone to my house's direction. I searched for my phone in my bag and saw the messages and I told my friend that it was a bad experience and that I wanted to quit. My friend called me and asked if I was ok. I said yes, I am okay, all good. I ended the call with a laugh. 

Immediately I put down the call, tears started rolling down on my cheeks. It was the worst experience I had ever had in my life. It was worst that any examination I had ever had. It was as if I went back to primary school and got canned by my teacher because I forgot to bring my textbook or homework. I couldn't stop tearing. 

-- 

I bit the bullet and went through the torture for 4 months. It was the first time that I experienced work as a curse. It felt like exactly the same thing that was mentioned in Genesis when Adam was cursed with work. Work is really a curse. It was like getting blame without any justification and feeling pressured without having any reward.

The pay is $10 per hour. I knew that I was a cheap labour. I was. There was no way that I could get a job other than lowering the price that I wanted people to pay for my time and work. It was the only choice. 

I hated the fact that it was only $10 and that I was constantly under pressure. It was more stressful than studying for 4 exams. It was. The fact that I couldn't make mistake and that I was still new but they wanted me to act and do things as if I was an experienced worker stressed me more. The U curve that was drawn by my mouth on my face was no longer there. I felt very sad about the reality. 

I experienced the unfair treatment of being an international citizen. I experienced the hardship that Asian faced when they work in a "white" country. The double standard is real. 

X

Love myself.

Sitting in front of the laptop again.

I have two assignments due in 3 days time. I am almost done with both of them. I enjoy studying as much as enjoying being alone and reminiscing.

Regular OCF session just ended and I walked home with my OCF friends. They are as lively and joyous as usual. Sometimes I have unspeakable feeling towards them. I feel tired, tired of presenting myself in front of everyone. I am tired of being a follower of Christ. Sometimes I just think about when can I be transformed into a new person, who has passion and fire to live for God, do whatever he has written.

We had an issue few days ago. It was about E-camp committee. I felt sorry for Elaine who wanted to serve in OCF. I felt sorry for God, who wanted to choose people that He has already chosen. I felt tired to be caught up in this difficult situation.

Elaine is a wonderful person who likes to know more about things that she doesn't know. A person who has got lots of questions. But at the same time, a person who focuses a lot on herself. I see a lot of myself in her. Isn't it that is what we always do? We put ourselves before anyone else, thinking that we are the best candidate for anything. We do it because we think that if we don't pick this duty up, there will be no suitable person.

On the other hand, I see Janniza, a girl whom I am always curious about. It is like she is unpredictable. She is extraordinary, not your typical Singaporean girl. She gives a lot. For the whole period of living with her, I learn more about her, about her lifestyle, her likes and dislikes, her super neat organisation for things and her patience for me. I have never in my life encountered such person. A person whom I have fear of but a person who loves me so much. She is truly a follower of Jesus. I have a lot of chats with people around me. I always heard this - Jann is quiet and a bit fierce, or Jann is very serious, she is not friendly. In my heart, there is always this very different perspective of her. She keeps things to herself but she shares. She is simple yet mysterious. It is so hard for me to describe her.

I am at this point of life discovering how things have been and how I should refix my eyes on Jesus. Always wondering if I am giving myself too much, wondering if I am loving myself too much.
X

The winter that rains.

It has been a while since I last wrote a blog post. 

It is coming to the end of Australia's winter. I felt that the time passes fast. I am half way through my bachelor degree. 

Being an international student is not easy. Accepting people entering my life and leaving are not something new to me. Sometimes I am numb with it. Some people are meant to be together. 

I could still remember how my ex-housemate moved to her new apartment without saying goodbye. She left me tearing in my bed silently (but yes, she was just too busy with moving house, we still love each other and talk). Some friendships build deeper than some others. 

I used to walk back from uni to home, alone in the darkness. I stayed somewhere nearer to uni that time. I loved and hated the feeling of walking alone. I always gazed at the sky, the sky that goes dark after 5PM. Jimmy, a senpai of mine used to tell me this, 'when you see the sky is pinkish colour at night, it is a sign that the night is going to be a rainy night'. The pink was the kind of pink that mixed with grey colour, a bit of red highlighting the sky. The beautiful thing always has an impressive prelude. 

How amazing that God has drawn a nice piece of art! All these while I have been watching the night alone, yes, with God.

I like it when the raining sound starts playing after I switch off my light at night. I will lie on my bed, make sure that every of my toe is covered with the thick bed sheet. I will keep quiet and close my eyes, listening to the rain dancing outside the house. I like it very much. There is a sense of peace and calmness in my heart, knowing that the house is strong enough to withstand the rain, that the wind will never blow through the balcony door, that I will sleep soundly and wake up feeling energised for the next day. 

Sometimes the rain dances until the dawn. They take a rest when I am awaken. I will turn my head and look at the clear balcony door of mine. The rain drops adhere themselves on the other side of the door. 

'They will go back to where they belong', I say it in my head.  

X

The kid.

Once again I found myself sitting in front of my laptop and tears rolling down on my cheeks while I was listening to the Christian songs.

It was just another tough day in winter. I had told myself too many times not to tear, but to be brave and strong. There was no time for tears and sadness. I was all alone in my tiny room.

The songs struck me too many times. Thinking about the meaning of the lyrics alone made me cry even harder.

__

I had told thousands times of my stories to my closed friends. I shared the bits and pieces of what I had done in my second job of my life. I was constantly in fear of making mistakes. It ain't playing, it ain't video games, it ain't studying. Working is being responsible to yourself, your employer, your colleague and the innocent customers. This is the second job that I got in my life.

Like many times, I hold a playful heart to work. With the deepest view of my heart, sometimes I see work as a kind of torture, like the punishment from God. Sometimes I see it as a blessing, a wonderful way to express serving in love. Different days have different views. Some days I live as if I have got no regrets.

__

6 years old kid. 

A future engineer, he said. 

I was sitting in front of a 6 years old kid on one of the ordinary but not so typical Friday night. I was in church, having dinner with fellow international students who were also Christians like me. The little kid was Jordan, probably my favourite guy currently in Australia. He was eating and his mum was by his side. I like how he could just mix together with us who were so much older. I was watching him all the time. My friend talked to him.

One thing struck my mind: I can't talk to kid. This is the biggest yet saddest issue I have right now. I remember reading 'The Little Prince'. It was one of the best literature I have ever read. There was a part where the little prince told the man who were repairing the plane that adults always quantify things. Adults use a lot of numbers.

I thought, I was just like one of the adults who talked about figures and always analysing the figures.

My normal start off conversation with kids goes like this:

Me: What is your name?

Kid: *his name*

Me: How old are you?

Kid: *Showed their fingers to represent their age*

Me: How many friends do you have?

Kid: *Showed me their fingers to represent the number of friends*

__

It is terrifying to talk to kids, because that makes me realise how deep the cuts in my hearts are. Their conversations always point me back to the reason I am on this earth. They remind me of the passion and love that I had when I was young. They retell me the story that I used to tell my dad when I was young. They dig out the original purpose that I have for everything that I do.

__

'So you are no longer slave, but God's child;
and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.'

 - Galatians 4:7