That little dream.

"What is your biggest fear?"

"Animals." 

No, I reckon I have more than one fear, the fear of being unsecured, abandoned. All these, I call them loneliness. 

The feeling of being away from the safest area, isolated by others. The feeling that makes you want to flee away from wherever to somewhere you call the safe paradise. 

I seek for securities whenever I go. I realise whenever I go jogging alone, I insist myself bringing that super flat yet bulky phone of mine on my hand. I always have it on my hand. It's the fear of losing contact with the big world in my phone that attaches my phone with my hand. I, therefore, end up jogging with the phone on my hand unchanging for more than 20 minutes. Whenever I feel like giving up, I will unlock my phone home screen and checking if there is any exciting notification. It is as if I'm consuming energy bar from my phone. Or to be exact, the little world in my phone. 

There are a lot of times, you (yes it's you) feel super awkward in a party or perhaps small group talk, you start to panic. Then, here comes your phone, the little world that you can participate in, and never feel awkward. You search your phone through any where. That instance when you recognise the familiar shape, you gentle take it out. Then, you find yourself swiping the phone screen.

Soon, you realise you have the contradicting feelings when you play your phone. You kind of want to pull yourself away from the phone but there is this invisible force that pulls you back, as if it whispers to you in a deep, calming voice - don't be scared, I'm here.

Yea, we always need someone, or something to accompany us. That's the reason why we are so desperately thinking of getting our true-one, hunting he or she like a hungry eager which is weary and has starved for 5 days. 

***

Yea, I wish there was someone to turn up to my face and whisper to me just like how my phone whispers to me,  

"Dear, don't be scared, I'm here."

***

Yea, that little dream. 

Poor // Rich

On the Google search tab, I typed 'dignity' and pressed the enter button on the key board. A tap sound was heard, the screen turned white.

Man Up, Thumb's Up. (Taken 2013)

I have done this more than 3 times. Ever since last year, I have heard 'dignity', read it on a random Facebook article and probably saw it on a creative ads. 

***

I have no idea how many friends of mine are suffering from financial burden. Yes, I'm talking about money, the one that we give someone to exchange something back. How much we have valued things with money. 

I grew up learning that dad work hard to make money to feed every single family member. I have always pictured the money being banked in by his company to his bank account, then he takes out the money and further divides it into more than 7 portions (yes, he owns cars!). I have always wondered how much he actually earns.

We used to go to Tesco during my high school time. I took grocery shopping as the most shameful shopping I had ever done on earth. But, thanked God, my friends, like me, they hardly even got out to be in Tesco, so there was no way I would encounter them. Yes, I was too social conscious. 

I would volunteer pushing the trolley, moving bags of fruits and milks into our big giant like SUV car. I always had that little disappointment whenever I went shopping with family. I always wished to have a big brother who could help my dad to do the man work. 

No, there would never be.

So, I 'man' up.

Because I couldn't stand looking an aged 50 plus years old man going grocery shopping with a whole gang of ladies and a baby boy, pushing trolley weighed more than he weighed. 

My father, my hero.

After 'man'-ing up, he would refuse my request. I guess, that was (is) how much he loved (loves) me. I would, then, insist on doing the heavy work. And, I always win.

***

I guess, that's why 'man'-ing up has become a part of my habit. Unlike other girls, I always stand up to do the heavy work. 

***

Once I was in my tutorial class for this subject called 'Business and Society' (B&S). My tutor wanted to use the white background curtain like screen (the one that LCD is projected on, I can't remember what it is called). It was rolled up, and she couldn't reach to pull it down. Because it was B&S, it was supposed to be 25 students, but there were only 2 girls (including myself) and a guy. When she was about to pull a chair with her and planned to stand on it, I had this thought. 

I could stand on the chair and help her pull that down.

I couldn't. I was wearing short skirt.

I helplessly sat at where I was. My eyes witnessed the whole progress. 

***

So, what's dignity?

We are human, we have Butt

Once I heard this, 

' Some of the feminists are feminists because they hate men, as there are no men in favour of them.'

I ain't sure how true it is, but let's move on to this little story of her.

***

It was a sunny day when I walked to my uni one day! As usual, I had to cross over to traffic lights in order to cross diagonally. I waited at the traffic light, waiting for the red man to turn green. 

There was a woman (I think she is slightly older than me, let's call her the girl) standing in front of me. I was wondering where she would head to. She was in her workout legging pants and a hoodies (I couldn't remember what she was wearing as her top). She carried lots of stuff with her, including her bag.

When the red man turned green, we both crossed the road. Her pace was slightly faster than mine (I ain't sure if I was too slow or she was too fast). She successfully crossed the road, and continued to walked ahead. 

There was this guy (with dark colour skin) walking passed her.

I was still crossing the road like a turtle. (Don't judge my speed)

He turned his head and stared at her butt. 

I thought it was a sunny day. 

***

So then, whenever I pass through any guy on the road, I will pull my shirt down to cover my butt.

We need God.

The Ugly Truth

"You have never enjoyed your life, living inside the box, you're so afraid of taking chances, how're you gonna reach the top?"

I haven't been updating my blog for a really long time. But trust me, there is always this little voice telling me, "Elisa, write something!", "Perhaps, you can write about today." Yes, I do, I had had 5 drafts with only 3 sentences. I question myself if I'm really capable in sharing out my blessed life through words in the unbounded world. Writing turns into a big back pack for me to hike the mountain of my life journey. I've fear of wearing it on my back, I'm terrified with telling people about the inner ugly side of me. 

Humans are always ugly.

Once I was walking on the street back to my flat. It was supposed to a street with busy human traffic. Because I was walking late night, there were only few pedestrians on the street, and a homeless. It was a windy night, everyone was covered with few layers of clothes, except the homeless. He had a bubble tea cup placing directly in front of him. The cup was quarterly filled with coins. 

I told myself, "give him something, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." I continued walking, I even walked passed him. I couldn't remember if I had prayed or not. But I did ask God for wisdom to share what had have in a sentence. I ended up being in a Chinese bread shop. I bought a bread (it was so expensive!), and I turned my way to the homeless. I gave the bread to him. 

"God bless you," he said. 

"Jesus loves you." I babbled.

He was holding a lit cigarette in between his index and middle fingers in the very next morning.

Humans are always ugly.

That's why, we need God.

05.06.16

  

Consolidation mode: ON.