Monday, February 22, 2016

I Grow.




Yesterday I met my aunt in the airport. It was a tough one. I would tell you why. My phone has got not roaming. There was no WIFI in the airport, not even a single computer that I could reach WIFI. I panicked. I asked God, why did he do this to me, since I'd already experienced lots of ups and downs on that day. God provided me. I went to the public phone and realised I had no coins. I went to the Smith and saw there was SIM card selling. I was thrilled. I struggled with choosing the right SIM card, at the end, the seller told me there's WIFI in the airport. 

I went into the airport, but I still couldn't connect to the WIFI. I panicked again. I told you, it was tough. Then, I went into the Smith again and bought a candy to get changes in coins. I used that stupid, money cheater public phone. I could not reach my aunt. 

How should I find my aunt?

I prayed. Then I went into the airport. I was wandering around. God provided. I saw my aunt. I shouted and then I cried. That few minutes were the longest minutes I'd ever been through. I could promise. The moment when I was not even connected to anyone, in that situation. I had a trolley with two heavy luggage with me. God did a miracle. 

It has been 2 days since I stay in Australia. Yes, staying, at this moment of my life, I really hope that there would be a bunch of Malaysians appear in front of me. Or perhaps, my AUSMAT friends that I had never missed before, but now I do. I really miss them a lot. 

I wasn't having my brain with me this morning. I woke up early. I chose my twin's dress to wear. I looked into the mirror and I found my twin in the mirror. The nostalgic feeling filled the whole bathroom. I was swallow by the deep grief that I had. I started dropping tears. I wore the dress and walked to my University.

I'd done a lot of things today. 

I met a Nepal girl. She was very nice. I asked if she missed her family. She said yes. She told me she cried for 3 days. I wasn't shocked. I had a similar experience as her. We are family men. I think I would be a house-wife in the future. Not sure how I'll go. I just want my twin, at this moment. 

I thanked my aunt for everything she had done for me. She made me feel like there's hope for tomorrow. I really thank God for this aunt, an aunt that would not leave me alone in danger, but leave me to my friend for me to grow. 

I will grow strong.

I have planned to do many things tomorrow. I still can't bear with hearing my sister's voice. I can, but maybe my eyes can't. My eyes are as swollen as dumplings, I can tell you if you can't imagine. I hope I could stop crying one day. By the day, I would have known how to love God more. Because I might have kept Emily in my heart already that even if I may not see her, I still love her. That's how God's love works, isn't it? (Tears dropping out when I wrote this. )

I will grow stronger. 

I will grow stronger in God's words. I want to be rooted. I don't want to be attracted by the desires. I want the rules that shape me into a better me. God's rules do. 

I thank God for today, I thank God for yesterday, I thank God for everlasting life, I thank God for my AUSMAT friends whom I would never forget, I thank God for Emily. 

I thank God for life. (I smiled )


I took a selfie today! 

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Separation

Being alone is the worst feeling ever.

I see people in different skin colour.  Some seem to be bonded with the other, while the other walking alone, or perhaps sitting alone. Loneliness fills in when you can’t find anyone to accompany. Loneliness is our best friend when we can’t find one.
It’s scary to be alone.

Things don’t change if you sit there by yourself and staring at different people around you. There’s no way for a spark in this dimension to have someone pops up in front of you and talk to you. We need connection.
I don’t know who to connect to.

WIFI connection for my phone seems so far away. I don’t give it a try anymore. I rest my mind in peace. I lay my mind down. It’s always good not to connect to anyone in your life. stare at my luggage and my back pack. I start to picture those things inside them being stolen by someone I don’t know. If by any chance my belongings are stolen, I’m gonna run and chase that man back. I’ll kick him and hit him. If only if I have the strength.

It’s good to have time to think about myself. Sometimes, I kind of being too immerse into the world that I involve in. I wonder what and how God thinks. Does he ever regret of making a human like me out? Does he think that I’ve gone too far away from him? Do I love Him more than loving myself?

I went to prayer meeting at my church last night. It wasn’t a fun one, but memorable. I’ll remember what I’ve done for the whole night. I kept trying to hold my breath and tears, in case it splits out from my mouth becoming a sigh and becoming waterfall that I am not able to turn it off. I had spent lots of time swallowing my saliva that caused by the whole nasal reacting system when I wanted to cry. Yes, I swallowed several times.

I can’t concentrate during the prayer meeting. Why did I even participate? I told myself that it was always good to turn to God whenever and for whatever. I turned to God. God knows me the most. He knows that I’m sad of leaving my twin alone in my home country. He knows that I worry a lot about her. He knows that we need to be detached from each other. He knows that time represents life. He knows that human like me needs him more than needing anyone. He knows that being a twin, I often place God as the 2nd place in my heart, but my twin as the first. He knows that he is always the controller. I can’t bear things with my twin together. I can’t bear things with myself alone. I need God whenever, whatever and wherever.

Be hold to God, twin.

I cried in the end of the prayer meeting.

I don’t know why I even give in to the desire of letting out my tears. The moment when our friends, Rachel, asked everyone there to do a favour to pray about my twin and I, I lay my tears down. I can’t help crying. It’s as if the best medicine to turn a n-curve on my face to a u-curve. We cried together. Then we laughed.

It’s funny to have someone who looks like you to be a person that you always spend time with. One day, when God takes away one of us, I really have no idea what to do. I think by that time I’ll turn to God. (As I’m typing this, I literally cry on the chair I sat at the airport. I’m scared that everyone is looking at me. They must be wondering why I cry. ) It’s sad. The sadness may be like level of pain of couple being apart from each other. ( I’m not sure about this because I’ve never had a boy friend before. ) It’s as sharp as knife, as sad as the sinking of Titanic.

God provides.

Always will.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Elisa, read this when you're remorseful.

Sometimes, when I think about my future and my past, I feel restless.

It's as if there's an unplanned way for me to go. It's as dark as the night. I really have no idea where to head to. It's then until I have made a decision, a difficult one actually, then, I find a way out of the darkness. The decision is made without any big discussion. It's something that popped out in my mind one day, and my brain translated the information to my parents. They allowed it. There I go.

I wonder how many people out there studying Business like I do. At the least, I know some are doing property, finance and accounting. It's very devastating. I feel as if there is a wrecking ball hitting myself. You know, that kind of feeling that I can't have my feet stand on the ground. That's it! I feel the danger of competition. The little evil version of me keeps shouting inside my heart. All I hear is to be more hardworking, to fight, to win the competition.

I can't keep up with the fast pace that people around me have had. I want to get some rests, a real nice rest, the one that I can read tonnes of novels through the days and nights for years. It's impossible. I keep dreaming for being fed my my parents until the day God calls me home. But that's still impossible. That's why people want to be toddlers very much.

I don't want to be a toddler.

It's time to lay down everything to God. The moment when I think about God is the one who controls life and death. I lay out my breathe, a very long one. Every stone and weight in mind is taken away, and thrown into somewhere I will never go. At the moment, every thing seems so good and nice. It's the glory and creation of God that always amaze me. God has amazed me a lot, a lot.

I always forget how God has strengthened me.

Monday, February 15, 2016

FAQ: What am I studying?

It's just a few days away from the most thrilled day.



If you're my friends who are reading this, you might have known what this is all about. I'm heading to Aussie to further my studies.

A lot of people or friends have asked me about what I'm studying and where and when and... Let's get started with all the questions being answered!

HOW OLD AM I
I'm turning 19 this year. It will be my first birthday without my twin around me. That's exciting yet depressing. 

WHAT AM I STUDYING
I finished my "foundation" course last year 2015. I did commerce subjects and I struggled a lot. With the help of my genius friends and lecturers, I was able to get through the whole course. I'm now applying for my degree. My degree called Bachelor of Business ( Economics, Finance and Trade ). I really struggled in the subject Economics when I did my "foundation". But the more I have struggled, the more I want to challenge myself. That's why I get Economics as my degree. 

WHERE AM I STUDYING
I will keep it as a secret about what Uni I'm going. But, it's an Australian University. I'll be in Australia in the period of less that 1 month.

WHY OVERSEAS
Yes, I got this questions a lot of times. It's because I did not even do research on Local's Unis about Economics degree or any other Commerce degrees. So, that's why my only option is overseas. 

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SEPARATED FROM MY TWIN
Depressing at first. But we are not so emotional like about out twin relationship. I guess, we won't be Skype-ing everyday. I think we won't even Skype. 
I'm very worried about about my twin on the other side. I'm just scared that her friends would take advantages of her. As my job is always stopping others to take advantages on her, what I can do right now is to pray that whoever have read this will not take advantages of her. I don't want my twin to be bullied. 

DON'T I FEEL SCARED TO STUDY IN AUSSIE ALONE
Yes, I do feel scared some times in a while. I feel more exciting than being scared. My dad said that was a big improvement since I've always cried whenever I couldn't see my twin sister. My dad always told me to be brave. I guess, this would be the bravest time ever. 
I'm really scared of being involved in drinking or things like that. Still, I know God is always here with me.

WHERE WILL I BE STAYING AT 
Cool. My place would be approximately 1 kilometers away from my campus. I guess, I will walk to my Uni or maybe do cycling!

WILL I CONTINUE BLOGGING
Yes, definitely! I will keep writing blogs to get my friends in Malaysia updated! I'm thinking about starting a fashion blog or fashion page or photography page. Pretty much something like that. I wish I could sharpen my photography skill for the next three years!

DO/WILL I MISS ANYONE 
Frankly speaking, I don't miss any of my friends for now. I'm sure I'll miss them in a later time! 

HAVE I DONE MY DRIVING LESSON
No! I understand the fact that my sister has already gotten hers but I haven't is a strangest thing you guys have ever heard before. But not! Even with this three months holidays, I still haven't gotten my license. Keep calm, I'll move on.

That's pretty much all about what would happen in February. 
Thanks for reading!

Friday, February 5, 2016

Fashion

It can be tough to style sometimes.

I am not sure why I have been so obsessed with fashion since I was 12 years old. The shame that I felt would never be gotten away from. I remembered how being not appropriate for me to wear something that was not formal to a formal occasion.

At some point of my life, I think that I'm a little bit too exaggerate about my fascination towards fashion. Unlike fashion bloggers, or the cool kids that I have met in my life time, I don't really have a special style or fashion to follow. I just style up whatever I want. I just want my creativity and uniqueness to be shown through my outfits. Two years ago, I found myself being carried away by fashion. Instagram has become one of the major factor of me being passionate about styling up and creating fashion.

As soon as I deleted my Instagram account last year, I was able to cope for my studies. The closing down gave me a big impact. Since then, I didn't really fancy about photography, even if I asked to be twin model by one of my best photographer friend. It is weird. I have disconnected myself from the creativity that I used to have. I disconnected myself from the social media. Finally, I stopped chasing fashion, instead, I'm now walking down to a life path that I think I like. The path, that actually has different distractions. Probably, distractions that I have never experience before. I'm waiting for the life.

I have this sudden urge to write about fashion because I just finished reading some fashion blogs. I almost fainted when I saw the pictures of the fancy clothes. Every attire seems too crazy for normal people to wear. I mean, I have tried wearing something like a robe to college before, but this is way crazier!

Fashion is a blending of creativity, reality, psychology and culture.

I don't have any.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

February!

I have spent my time in reading novels.

I am not sure if I'm doing the right things. I always feel being immersed in the context of the novels whenever I read them. The more I read, the more I find myself being taken away from Malaysia, into a piece of new land where everyone speaks English. 

I don't know why I love reading. I am scared that it is a desire, an irresistible desire. That scares me a lot, like a lot. Sometimes, I'll just tell myself to not touch the novels. I'm scared that I'll be polluted by the thoughts of the authors. That's my biggest fear when I read books. Never think that reading is a healthy activities, because not every book is healthy, not every book suits your religion.

There's always a fear swirling around my mind. I'm scared that one day, I am disconnected with God. I'm very scared of how much more desire traps that I'll be falling into. Or at least, how much traps I'll encounter. I think that's how Adam and Eve had felt once they sinned. They hid themselves, not wanting to let God know about what they had done. After all, I'm more like Adam, who was brave enough to tell God about what he had done. I don't want to be distracted by the desires. I don't know who on earth has the same problem as mine. I don't know if I'm the odd 19 year-old-girl who keeps thinking about what Satan will do to me. 

***

It's really great to look back what I have done last year. I feel old. 

I keep telling myself not to be like who I was, because I strongly need a change. A change that can change people around me. A change that can change my future. I didn't get good grades last year. I disappointed no one but myself. I seek for another life. I'm too excited about being in the first year of my degree. I can't wait to take the chance and explore. Things are too exciting. 

***

Yeap! Chinese New Year is around the corner. I'm pretty happy about meeting different kinds of people. I just want to have a holiday that everyone also has. I mean, who wants to be like me right now? My sister and I are having holidays, but no one else in the house has! 

Thanks for reading my mind, I really appreciate that!