Saturday, October 31, 2015

Fashion Clothing Catch

I remembered attending lots of graduation convocation at the same university. 

Just then, I realised that I have grown up so much. Those my sisters' friends whom I had lunch with them when they were in their foundation year, they were all graduated. Time flies. Only yesterday is remembered clearly.

I decided to share a photo of me when I was Form 1. It was taken at UTP, my sisters' university. It was her convocation. 

As you can see, that's little Elisa, hiding behind my dearly mother. Hey, that's my little brother. He is rocking with his Winnie the Pooh and Friend Tee. That was his favourite. He literally wore it everyday! 

Let's see what I was wearing. I wore a black shirt. That was my first ever black shirt. I was never allowed to wear black because my parents said that was not a good colour. I forced them to buy that black shirt for me because I wanted to wear it on Chinese New Year. And no ones ever wear black on Chinese New Year. 

That was a pair of flare jeans. It was not that flare, but you could see I was obsessed with that cutting. Mine wasn't that flare, but my twin sister's was super flare. My sandal! They were pink in colour. I bought them from Ipanema. I wore them like for every occasion. I thought they were formal. But they made me so informal here.

I had a lion shaped hair. I always had my hair cut in my hometown. But I hated that hairdresser so much! I told her to cut a little bit. But she always ended up cut a LITTLE bit MORE. I used to have fringe, but I thought it made me look kiddy. So, I brushed it to the right side.

I used to think wearing those were presentable. I meant wearing them for those functions. A lot of time after attending more and more functions, I realised I needed to change my style. A pair of jeans, and a tee shirt were literally my style. I wore those combinations for any time.


This was taken when I was 16. When I saw this picture, I laughed. I never knew I could pose something like this. See, my face was so fierce. I looked like I was a zombie. I have that orange shirt. That was my fashion. But it was much better in a way that I actually knew how to pose in front of the camera. 

It was so fun to look back how I looked like. These are the reasons why I want to be a fashion designer so badly. I wish to save people from being like me. I wish they wouldn't even have a chance to wear so ugly and under-standard like how I was. I wish I could. 

I used to refuse for going to those occasion when I was Form 3 and Form 4. I felt as if I was the odd one with my sister. Due to the shame that I had given to myself, I started to think about how to combine different fabric together, though I have no proper skills in drawing.

I cherish this little dream of mine. I know, one day, I would achieve that dream. 


Monday, October 26, 2015

Quit Instagram



Surprisingly I did something incredible. I deleted my Instagram account.

Yesterday I went to my sister's master degree convocation. I was really happy about it. Congratulation to her for completing the tough journey. We took a lot of photographs for the past few days in her university. The scenery was nice. But it got windy at the evening when the sun went down. We had a lot of fun taking funny, creative and formal photos.

The Friday before I went to sister's convocation, I had a mini photo shooting with myself. I know that sounds super duper weird. But that was what literally happening with me. I set a tripod and the camera. I cleared the background for where I wanted to take the photos. And I put on a black dress. I was depressed and pressured that time, I would say. In addition, I was alone in house, and I was listening to Sia's '1000 forms of fear', which made me more depressing. 

I took many shots. It was really tiring because I had to be both model and photographer at the same time. Of course I was using timer.Way after all the failure and success like photos were taken, I wanted to pause for a while. However, I decided to just take more shots. Surprisingly, the last shot was the only one I satisfied. The others were not that impressive. 

Here are some of the shots:



I posted on my Instagram. But I deleted my account!


This is my favourite! 


From the photos, I can there are too much noises, not good photo's setting.

I really thank God for making me realising how beautiful everything is. I always thought that Instagram made things looked better. But what is more important is that using your own eyes and discover the beauty for everything with every angle. I think my decision of deleting it is not a mistake. We still can excel in any other platform. Don't ever let anything to restrict you capacity! 

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Dump things I've done!

I own something that many people don't.

Sometimes I feel curious about how people think about me. I'm weird in the sense that you can see me being hyperactive in this moment, and being down in the next hour.

I'm so tired nowadays. I have to keep in mind with my studies, which I particularly feel burdened and stressed out. I guess I'm not that stressed out as my sister does. She literally gets high blood pressure today since she has that reddish patched on her cheeks. Thus, we consider that she has got high blood pressure. Water always helps. So, I instructed her to drink water.

It's about how I keep being off track from my plan and my principle. The desire that makes me feel lazy constantly haunting me. My body shuts down whenever I'm alone or on my bed. I don't even put an effort doing house chores. I can still remember this lecturer of mine told me to start doing house chores so as to ease my mum's burden. Yes, I know. I'm really terrible at it.

After being scolded by my mum due to my complaints of myself, I finally shut up in front of her. But I still keep asking myself if I'm really useless. This uselessness I find in myself is really useless. I don't do well in studies, communication, sports, music as well as house chores. I don't even cook nice food. I told my dad that the existence of my mum makes me stop eating food that is not for human. Obviously I'm telling him that I cook food that's (apparently not even) for animals. And I eat those stuff.

Therefore, my mum sort of begs me to stop being low self esteem. I feel even sad. I make my mum worrying about those little things that I worry. Sometimes, I just feel like pressing a restart button in my body and clear my "why am I so dump?" question in my brain. How I wish this question had never existed before. I really have no idea how.

I get people saying I'm emotional. Yes, apparently yes. Truthfully, yes.

But how am I gonna save myself?!

Friday, October 2, 2015

Independence

I like how human socialize with each other.

When I first came across this word 'socialise', I thought it was something dirty and sinful. It was a word I learnt when I was Form 3, equivalent to the age of 15. I knew the real meaning behind it after one year. That was pretty much how I learnt this word.

I find myself spending too much time talking about the past. It wasn't productive. Using today's time for yesterday. Now, I want to switch.

I am learning to be independent. It is not easy. Doing something alone is really scary at some point, because people might think you're anti social. I can go crazy by doing things alone, staying home alone, or even cooking alone. I discover that I have lots of disability when I'm alone. And I'm here asking why. But 'why' shouldn't be the word we should discover, we should know 'how'.

I get this a lot, 'where is your sister?', 'why are you alone?' and 'I thought you girls can't be separated!'. These questions will end up with the same answer.

Normal human being is single person. In a way that we will never assume he or she is dependent. Because people who aren't twins, they are more independent, in everyone's view. But when it comes to me, a twin, I feel so uneasy to talk to people alone. It's like missing some part of my confidence. I guess, there are many people out there who are like me, social awkward. However, they are less being understood. Humans are too naturally think all of us can survive on our own.

Please don't get me wrong. This 'survive on my own' simply means being independent.

Thus, dependent has become my obsession. Sitting alone is better than sitting with someone I know but without my twin. The social awkwardness has hit its highest level inside me. I keep thinking of getting it out. It's coming out gradually.

X