Helping or Not Helping Her?

We have come across lots of things in life. But we seldom remember what they were.

This little but quite threatening incident happened to me yesterday afternoon. I was walking on the road as usual with my sister. We met this one woman. She asked us about a big book shop nearby. We thought it was the MPH book store. We reconfirmed with her. She wasn't sure if it was the bookshop that she wanted to head to. Anyway, we still led her to the book shop we assumed. 

This woman spoke fluent English. First thing came to my mind was that she was a well educated woman. I assumed that she didn't know Chinese at all. Anyway, as we walked, she just realised she had been to the MPH bookshop. She told us that she had checked out that bookshop but she couldn't get what she wanted. Then she started telling us about "Book Keeping" in accounts. She wanted to help a girl who is sitting for SPM in 44 days. She asked us if both of us were Accounts students. I said yes ( I was quite regret telling her about that ). I told her that Accounts was just one of my subjects. She asked me if I knew about Book Keeping. I nodded my head and said yes. I said I wasn't an Accounts student before this. She then asked me to show her my textbook. It wasn't with me. She then told us that she had got 4 degrees. And I wasn't shocked. 

I then told her to look up for A levels or O levels textbooks. She said she couldn't get those. She wanted the English version of accounting book so badly. She told me how desperate the "last-minute" girl was to do accounts revision. I said, why didn't she study earlier? She showed no care about that. She told me that if I helped her, equivalent to helping a girl who was sitting for the test. 

Apparently, my big exam starts on the same day as SPM. My accounts was so badly done as well. This woman asked me if there would be a chance for her to read my accounts notes. I said they weren't with me. Then, we headed off to my college, as I suggested her to have a look with A levels accounts textbook. 

After asking for the prices and all that, she didn't decide to buy the books. She was still in panic with helping her friend's daughter. The only thing she knew about Accounts was book keeping, debit, credit. Before she left, she asked me if I could give her my phone number. I hesitated. Then, I shook my head. She then left me with her phone number. She said she knew I thought she was a bad person. ( But no, I don't think she is evil. I just thought it wouldn't be a great idea to simply give phone number to anyone!!! )

I was in a great dilemma for helping or not helping. I used almost 1/2 an hour to deal with this woman. I just realised that my EQ was super low. I couldn't manage things properly. 

I'm not a helpful person. I will just stay away from helping people. I've lost the interest in helping anyone. It is so hard for me to justify right or wrong. 

I was so frustrated after that, because she wasted my 30 minutes. And she made me feel bad. While thinking of helping the girl, I thought about how desperate I was too, for sitting for my exam on the same day as she will. I prayed to God that I was able to make good decisions. 

Philippians 2:4

4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Deep in my heart, I wish I could help her in a more willing heart. But I just couldn't. I suggest that she could find a tuition teacher for that girl instead of learning those book keeping and then teach that girl, because that sounds too illogical for me, at least. 

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Childish thoughts.

What is up people!

I just put on my pyjamas. It was a bloody tiring day! I woke up at 6 something and started studying my Economics. I was so tired. I would just shut my eyes anytime. I hop on train after getting everything on my bag pack and done with my clothing and brushing.

Just as I got out from my house, I just remembered that I forgot to have my breakfast. I was pretty surprised with myself, because I had never forget to eat before. I really thank God for this, because at least once in my life time, I was really hardworking till a point of forgetting the intake of food.

That was pretty fine. I kept reminding myself that what I do is for God. I'm sure I forget what I say like every time after I have done something. I feel like I'm having battle with myself.

Honestly, I focus too much on myself. Sometimes, I just tend to care for myself and forget what others need. I feel so helpless. The older I grow, the lesser I help people. Well, when I thought about my childhood, I couldn't think of any helping activities that I had done. Probably, I was born to have this selfishness in myself. I know this is weird. I promise myself, I will be selfless one day. I know it's kind of impossible.

I surfed through internet and went through lots of nice photos. I started to day dream about being a professional photographer again. You see, I always dream. I dream nice dreams. They just never hit to point of my "GO" button. Well. Therefore, I just took two photos after I accidentally glanced through my room door.

Current favorite colour is WHITE! 

Therefore, all time favourite is BLUE! 

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Beauty

I can still remember the dreams that I wanted to achieve when I was just a high school student.

It was kind of weird that dreams change according to time. The older I grow, the more I realise about what to do in my life. Realisation often changes the way I act and the way I live. It makes me feel even older than who I am right now.

A photo a post, keep reader awake. 

A lot of time, I am told to be bold and be brave. It is a hardship of mine. Back to my English inefficiency problem which I face lately makes me even dull. I always show up the emotional face, or you can say that super stressful look. It is partly due to my English. I challenge myself to watch Youtube video. I watched different Youtubers' channels. They are some from England, mostly are American, there are also some from Australia. Besides listening to different accents of English, I also make a lot of effort of listening to the lyrics of different types of music. I admit this one is more like my hobby than listening to different accents. Music is a decoration of language. Or language is a decoration of music? I guess they are both interconnected and they stand on their own.

Reading the lyrics makes me understand how English work. But sometimes, it is very risky learning English from the lyrics, because there are lots of possibilities having wrong grammar in the songs. Anyway, I still think it is a good way to learn English. But no matter how much I try, I'm still a loser in English.

I often ask myself this question: why do I have the ability to speak chinese? I blame a lot on knowing too many languages making me a dump in English. Sometimes, I just spend like 10 minutes laughing at my poor English. I wish one day I could gain the real happiness from knowing English. I hate my disability.

Sometimes, I feel so low in self esteem when comes to dressing up myself. I know I sound so childish here. To me, it's just a shame of mine not knowing how to combine different colours. Investigating designs and fabric has always been my hobby too. And I feel like I'm not good in combining designs and colours. It's such a contrast that I spend super long time on this thing, and I fail to achieve what I set for myself. That kind of feeling makes me want to thank God more than hating myself. I'm serious.

I read a lot of articles about how people who are disable are able to do something they seems like can't. I thank God for giving this chance to even write out this blog of mine in English. I thank God for whoever created blogger. I thank God that he knows me more than anyone else. Because I'm such a proud girl who thinks her math has reached the highest point, and a simple question came out in one of the test set her to fall down from the upper most of the mountain. I thank God that I know a lot of teachers because of my love asking question nature in me. Probably you can see me calling lots of people ( especially in church) teachers. And lots of people wonder how on earth my teachers are my teachers. I thank God for my disabilities that I can never be proud outside and constantly ask for God's help internally.

I know one day, I might meet important people in my life who can help me out in English. Who knows what God's plan is? Glory to the Lord.

It is a beauty of disability. 

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