Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Little things

There are lots of things to be completed.

I'm sad to say I'm a failure of things. Low self esteem beats me hard. Or else, it is laziness which gives me this on going failure. Time management is a hard subject, I thought I could bear with it since the beginning of the year, but I'm sure, I'm wrong.

I got this little thing in my mind. I'm never a good one. Whenever I'm with lots of people, talking about random stuff, I would be like, I ain't interested about the topics. It's sort of a sickness of mine. I would really like to get out of it. I find my life is as if an empty sheet of paper, I haven't even drawn anything on it. I feel really hopeless, indeed. As if the paper will soon be burned, fire will be at every where. I would be no where.

Let's don't get into that emotional situation. I keep reminding myself that I've got a lot of things to do, but I end up procrastinating. You know, I can even end up doing nothing for the whole night. That's how bad I can go. 

Today, there were a whole bunch of my college alumni gave shares about their current life and how they went through their college life. I missed the first 20 minutes, because I was having photography taking session. They shared about how great overseas were, and how they coped with the hardship. Reflect to myself, it was kind of hard for me, because I know nothing about being on my own. I would say I'm still learning, and this thing called low self- esteem makes me even worse. I thought of abandon it like long ago, it would silently creep into my little heart, and eat up the whole part of my bravery again. The feeling is horrible.

And those alumni were studying on scholarship. It was kind of ridiculous thing for me to do it, because it seems like it's impossible. Some more, I just failed one of my my hard work subject today. They said it wasn't hard to do it, because it was something that was achievable. I know I should believe in those nerds and geeks, because I was once a nerd. And yes, there is still a possibility for me to achieve.

X

Sunday, July 19, 2015

My Hometown.

It's not a lovely idea when you plan to be separated with your parents, especially when you have depended a lot on your parents.


Mama and Papa at the beach.


No, the idea has never come across my mind. I'm feeling pretty nervous and melancholic when I tell myself, I won't be seeing my dearly parents for the next few months. It was as if I'm going inside an oven, saying goodbye, and being heated till I get a ticket to go home. I miss home, even, when I'm now at home.

We have got a big house here, over Bintulu. It is a super new house. A mansion, I would say. The garden is not as big as I imagined. But if you would like to have a bicycle race with me, sure, we could ride around the house. The living room is where I'm sitting right now, it is filled with Disney's channel's sounds, and of course, the typing sound that I'm making right now. Quite often you'll hear car or motorbike pass by the road in front of my house. It's a big and warm house.

I would say a place doesn't have a great meaning. It's the people there who make the place a memory. People, beach, houses, and coffee shops, are parts of my memory of Bintulu. I tell you what, almost everyone knows each other here ( except the fact that my sis and I are the only ones who know fewer people that the others do ). Coffee shops are where we meet people. Different coffee shops, sell the same things over and over again. The thick classic Foo Chow smell of the noodle, just makes me want to have some bites. Because too much of it would just create the fat feeling that I always have after eating noodles. And that's how the noodles give me, the fulfillment and of course, the memory that I'd never forget even if I had amnesia.

The people, especially my extended family, they are lovely. They speak in a strong thick Sarawakian accent, which makes me feel like laughing whenever I hear them speaking English. I thought of who I was before I moved to west Malaysia. I was having the same accent as them too. And now, I will just enjoy the accent they have, as if I really have lived in Bintulu for my whole life time. My church friends! I nearly forget them. Actually, I don't have much church friends here. But I just made two friends yesterday. I attended the Youth in the church. I got the feeling of being new in my hometown, but actually I'm so much older than them. I experience how much God has given me. I would never be who I'm if I didn't move to west Malaysia before. And that gives me different identities. However, I'm still proudly saying that I'M A SARAWAKIAN.

I guess that's how I'm gonna miss this place, though I'll come back in few months time. I guess, God has really blessed everyone here in Bintulu, where love and harmony are bounded in every corner. It's so good, as so nice.

X

Sunday, July 12, 2015

I mock myself.

Being much involved in church and fellowship serving makes my body feels sore and tired, but I'm surprisingly happy and joyful. I can go super hyper and laughing all the way when doing my service. You can never know how much I feel when doing God's work, unless you've tried it before!


The world is not as perfect as I see. 


I ain't sure if any of you would get annoyed by reading my blog post, because it's a bit too like  personal-philosophical-plus-a-bit-immature. But I thought of this, it would be really good to share what I feel about those things I've experienced, because an "immature" person's view is really important.

People around me keep telling me I'm innocent and naive. I don't quite agree with them. They just didn't see what I've experienced, they didn't know what I've chosen. I ain't sure if anyone out there, laughed at me because of the perfect and fairy tale like thinking that I've had. But I got this a lot, HEY ELISA, YOU'RE NAIVE AND INNOCENT. Innocent? I'll define innocence, innocence is the lack of knowledge to choose right or wrong, in other word, stupid.

At that very mean point, I feel as if I'm disconnected to the world. Completely disconnected.

You know what? I've seen people crying and starving themselves because people out there are telling them they are not perfect. You know what? I've seen how an old grandy keeping quiet because she doesn't want to let people know that tears are dripping deep inside her heart. I've read books about how people having love, making love, kissing, and whatsoever, because they just love it and those "activities" attracted them. I know why people keep complaining girls nowadays only love bad boys, because their souls demanding soul mates, who they can call girlfriends, patting them and hugging them in front of people, having that "relationship goal hastag". Or else, I've seen people without money and still boasting around that they want to eat branded stuff. I've seen how blind men walking through a rubbish place, and they had no idea where not to walk through.

The world telling me to stop sympathizing or empathizing them because that would be really stupid, and you-can't-be-helping-people-and-feeling-sad-all-the-time. I ain't feeling sad about those I've mentioned, I feel sad about people telling me not to sympathizing.

Getting through to know what's right and what's wrong is never a sin or something to be laughed. You thought I had no idea about all those so called cheesy stuff people can do between two people? Their desires evoke, and their hearts just melted by each others'. They know they have to be connected with each other. When they see each other, their eyes locked, nothing would unlock them unless they look away.

I refuse to do such kind of things, unless I'm mature enough.

X

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

I know the meaning.

There was a time when I felt really touched. 

Helping people has become one of my main goals in my life. There was time when I felt really down, and I had the urge to give something to people. I had no idea what was wrong with me, the little soul, who had felt lonely almost all the time. The moment of helping people really brought great joy to me. Even it was just a little act like accompanying a blind man to cross the road. That instance after I said goodbye to the guy, I literally smiled. I smiled to no one, I smiled because I felt joyful. 

Being joyful and happy are just as easy as helping people. Little goals make a big goal. I ask this question a lot, what's love to you? I'm really excited to see people's reaction about love, how love has worked inside their hearts. They have got different types of definition. At that point, I feel like re-knowing the world, re-knowing people around me. I shared little bit of my life to people around me, being focus on the topic itself instead of myself.

We live in different circumstances. There might be people around us who are from different places. Keeping a distance from them might be a good way to protect ourselves from being hurt. However, the affection of love will only be surrounded inside ourselves. It's not exaggerate to say the love that is not shared is a selfish act, it's a selfish love. Well, that sounds very wrong, because love should not be selfish. 

There was this big choir singing in my college today. They sang about 1 hour. I was having lesson for the first 30 minutes. Imagine the sound they had projected throughout the whole college. They were singing for God. They reminded me of how silly I was when I sang in the choir in my church. I didn't really put in lots of effort, and the notes I projected out were really lousy, I think. I thought about how this missionary choir shared their joy, love and message to people around the world. I felt so glad that there was still hope in the world nowadays. I felt really happy. I enjoyed the songs they sang, though I didn't really hear the altos and tanners. But glory to the Lord.

Every bit of people's life can become one part of our experience. 

What's your experience of love?