Weak Love

I supposed this year is gonna be a fun yet challenging year. I'm quite sure my assumption is on the right track, because the reason of my headache is that statement. 

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry.

I thought I could be more independent. But, I'm wrong. I'm totally wrong. 

Things don't always turn out to be what you want. I mean in terms of everything. For example, I thought I had the guts to take photos today, but instead of taking photos like a pro in the hall, I head to another classroom, hiding myself. I'm such a mousy person. 

I just regretted of what I've done, literally. The absence of mine, had become the presence of my twin sister. I guess, that's why, I'm always thankful about everything. I pulled out in the end, and dialed a SOS call to my sister, but she didn't pick up the phone. I went around the college and seek for her. At last, I made another phone call, she picked up. I guess, you know what had happened next. 

I passed the camera to her, and said a simple thank ya to her. She ran all the way to the hall, and literally substituted my place. She was taking photographs for the next 1 hour. I mean, I was supposed to be there, but my fear conquered me, and I was hiding inside the classroom, presenting myself in the Usher workshop of which both my twinnie and I supposed to be there at that time.

At the end of the day, my face wasn't described as a joyful face. Neither my twinnie did. Her face was burning like a hot boiled pot. All of my thought came to a state of which, I wanted to stand in the middle of the road, and let the cars go through my body so that I could be in a 2D state. 

***

I'm weak. I admit. 

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist.

I would rather call myself selfish person, indeed. I can't face tomorrow. I can't face anyone. Now, I feel as if I'm a psycho person. In my mind, I'm asking myself to go or not to go to seek for consultation from psycho geek lecturer in my college. Well, guess what, this is the N times I've asked myself the same questions. 

***

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

X

Learning

Today is the first day after 2015 chinese new year.

One week before today, I remembered myself unwillingly going back my hometown. I was so nervous of meeting my relatives, because they kind of giving me some serious look, which creep me off everytime. Well, maybe they are just too serious, that I can't bear with them. After all, everyone is different.

What I did during this super lovely trip back to my hometown was visiting my relatives and also my primary school friends. I met 4 of my primary school friends, one I last met her when we were 15. The other three, on the other hand, I hadn't been seeing them since the last day of my Year 4 school day. So, it was kind of touching and excited moment after so long hadn't met them. 

They were still the same.

My heart cried when I saw them. Oh my! All sorts of different thoughts flipped through my mind, and my brain was busy working as if it hadn't been used before. I thought of how they were when we were little kids, running around in the school hall during PE time. And " I don't wanna friend you" was our blackmailing tool of all time. We spent precious time together. It was what we used to call friendship, because we shared everyone's secret as if the secret was ours. 

I visited my friends' houses and heard a lot of stories. Those stories were too mind blowing because I never know and I''ll never understand why they have been in the chaos and complicated relationships. If one day, I can fully understand all the stories and the feelings of the main characters involved, I think I'll write it out and hopefully public those stories in one book. That will be really great.

Just bought this book for my English subject's literature.

Can't wait to discover every bit piece of it! 

***

I'm now in a real stressful mode as there are many exams fall on this week. 

I bear in mind, that, I'll make myself, be the best.

I don't wanna live in past.

Therefore, I changed my mind set.

Telling myself,

not to be the best, but do the best. 

I lose myself

It is almost another Chinese New Year.

The feeling of mine, however, is tiring, stressed out and uneasy. I'm scared that the laziness of mine will one day eat me up, and I'll lose myself.

I came across this fellow, Jun Curry Ahn, on Youtube last year, and decided to subscribe his channel. Well, I did. And I liked his facebook page too. What is so special about this fellow is that he is a real talented guy- in violin. I ain't sure how does people categorise pro in violin, but I just kind of like his music. And totally in love.

Therefore, I dug out a violin from my room, started get some nice shots for it, though I don't know how to play it, sigh.

***

It's so cool that humans can actually create nice music. And we, who are able to hear, can have the opportunity to listen to it. The sweetness and joy of it, is what words can't describe, but every heart can feel and know. 

Funny how I joined music club of my college and signed up to be a "student" of music instrument. They passed this A4 paper around during the first meeting. And we, club members, were supposed to write down our names, music instruments that we wanna learn and stuffs like that. I was so impressed by myself ( practically, I was regretting now ) and wrote down VOCAL and ELECTRIC GUITAR, as what I wanna learn. 

Well, electric guitar is kind of cool and I'm so in love with it because Greyson Chance used electric guitar as one of his song track background. I know, this reason is kind of the lamest reason, but believe me, that's why I started loving remixes.

After all, I just feel like I did it because I was so excited about it, not because of I really wanna learn. And I just realised I love piano the most. So, yea. I decided to quit music club because it's kind of shame of mine! 

***

I definitely want to relate my fresh and real life story to you guys, because we really need to know and reinforce. 

Think before you do, ask before you act. 

Sometimes, we tend to tell ourselves that what come foremost to our thoughts are the best. And we won't stop thinking about how good to be in that future situation. And thought of everything will go well, well. However, we are actually giving ourselves the chance to loss control of ourselves. And then, it'll finally lead to an uncertainty, of which, all the situations are not what we would have expected. We'll fall down into the deep, and feel like dying, every single second.

What are we looking for? It's time to ask yourself this question.

If you are unable to answer, well, it's really serious that you needa find God to help you. 

***

I'm so impressed with what Moses had done to get the deals with Pharoah. He was low in confidence at first, but then, with God, he got over it.

I put myself into Moses' situation. I find it really amazing that, now, I'm actually recovering from low self- esteem. That's how God has done to me. 

Glory to the Lord.

Defining Love

Hey there!

Paris Love

I'm sort of lost in finding my own self. The year of 2015 gives me a real great impact on building who I'm. And I hardly believe that I'm who I'm right now.

Being silent, fearful had always been the words that couldn't be wrong to describe me. I hardly believe that I'm a little bit ( that's how I feel ) too, or perhaps, I'm too talkative. 

Throwing out my opinions is what I've been doing lately. Unlike years before this, I was struggling with interaction with people. Well, you could probably check out my 2013 blog posts. Those posts are all about complaining my own English level, and how desperate I wanna to have good English in order to raise out my own opinions when I was in the crowd. 

Well, I can say, I finally did it! 

Glory to the Lord, because I would never do anything without Him. Though I have had hard time ( almost all of the time, and I always show it on my face, if you notice ), I have the faith that I'm able to go through it with the strength of God. 

***

Yesterday, there was something fun going on. Well, I probably mean those CAT and ECCE students in my college. They had these selling roses and cookies booth at one of the college corner. I was being attracted to that booth, because they were selling my favourite flowers, roses. And this was really funny. They sold like 3 roses for RM 12 and 1 rose for RM 5. At first, I had this so called desire to buy 3 roses for myself. But then, I felt like there wasn't a need to buy 3 stalks of roses at once. ( In fact, if I really have bought them, I would probably use them for photography! ).

So, after I came back to my lovely resting house, I just realised that they were selling like a COMBO. And the COMBO didn't really sound good, because, since they were selling for people who wanna show their love to their truly and only love ones, there weren't supposed to be 3 stalks of them. Or else, they wanted people to send 3 of the roses to the same person. If you understand what I mean, just keep the joke to yourself. If you don't, well, ignore it! 

***

I had my super duper long piano lesson today. It was pretty good, as usual. My teacher was like so desperate wanted me to learn all the songs and kept telling me to practise those songs she had selected for me. And I'm like OKAY, I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT. I actually have learnt a lot of things from my piano lessons. Some philosophy, I would say. 

Oh yea. I also had this Christian Fellowship session in my college. I was an usher, by the way. Well, ushering time is really enjoyable and I've learnt a lot of things. Things that I'll never learn in my former school and things that I won't learn in my home, and things that I can't find in books. Ushering needs a lot of efforts. As an usher, smiling is just the basic. Well, probably you wanna people to feel like coming to CF is like coming home. Yeap, a smile does makes them feel welcomed! ( I guess )

Also, I have challenged myself to communicate more with people around me, because social skill is too important. Besides the fact that I'll sometimes tend to be careful of my English, I still manage to show that I'm not a mute. 

I guess, smiling is a show of love to everybody.

Give the love.

Receive the love.

Elisa X

Grateful

I've changed.

I find myself being to expressive sometimes. I really don't like the feeling of that, knowing myself as an active person.

Crazy I see how people have talents in doing many things, while I'm still finding a talent of mine ( which I believe it will exist, but never exist ). I've tried hard to do what I should do, but I failed to title the word  successful on what I've done. I'm serious, I'm to weak.

I read the 4 first chapters of Exodus from the Bible. I learnt that Moses was weak too. He couldn't speak in front of Pharoah. He told God that he was weak and not blessed to speak with courage. In the end, God appointed his bro to help him doing the talking part, though they failed like 9 times to convince Pharoah let their people go.

This is such an amazing story. I see courage and weakness present on the same time in this story. I feel like I, myself, am also going through this phase. I'm weak, but I still know that there are people who are willing to help me ( including God,  for sure ). I'm not alone.

I've seen people regret doing what they have done. Well, I just back from my church youth. I was asked this really serious but unrealistic question - What would you do, if your life is rewind? My mind stopped for 1 second, and 5 seconds onward, my mind flashed back to what I regretted. Well, definitely, stopped learning piano when I was 8.

Being self known as a low grade piano student, I'm always grateful that I know how to play piano. However, at the same time, my heart was torn into 2 parts. I have this super sad and low self esteem feeling about myself. Probably because I'm still an amateur. I fail to be the pro. I'm slow.

I really thank God about what I have. I retake piano after my Form 3 public exam. The feeling of retaking is amazing. I find back what I used  to learn. I know more that what I've learnt before though it was a restart. Thank God that at least I'm titled as an AMATEUR!

How lovely everything can be, but at the same time, scary and fear make the lovely things run away like a mad dog. That's how things work in the world.

Shall we work together and get back an everlasting lovely surrounding?

Well, love will conquer all, I believe.

February

It's February.

I never know I can survive in college since this is the first time I don't have my sister by my side during lessons. Well, there are so many independent lessons to learn.

I really don't know how to express what I'm feeling right now. Taking this course- Ausmat, is really not a good idea for people like me, because there is always at least a test every week ( If you get what I mean ).

I'm in the super stressful mode nearly everyday, because I've got so much to do. And I feel like my working load never finish. Never.

There are too much to worry about. I worry about my results, my homework, piano practices, club meetings, service learning and so on. I come to a point which, I can really, tell myself that, these things are not the most important things, being a perfectionist doesn't mean I'm perfect. Well, I give up doing my so called best in everything. I just do till the mind set of giving up comes upon. I'm still weak, yet, though God who strengthens me, I can do anything. This is the little yet powerful thing that pops up in my mind, when I have those melancholic feelings.

I don't know how people think about me. Wow. Maybe I'm too proud of myself or too low in self esteem. I don't know who am I. Seriously. Compared to last year February, I was, worrying about how to overcome fear talking to people I don't know. Now, I fear of being to proud or too proactive.

I learn to be more talkative, but almost forget how to be polite. I just feel like I'm a person who can sell fish - selfish. I think about myself before thinking about others. I seek for advantages. I seek for everything that is good, but not bad. I seek for nice things but not giving any help to people.

Therefore, I seek for opportunities to help people. Well, this gonna be my goal of the year.

***

So, I accepted this #28daysoflove Challenge from my former school head master. 

Day 1- Reading Materials

Day 2- Flower

Day 3- Food

Day 4- Art 

Day 5- Music or Musician